Cool... Calm... Collected... (?)

[BPDHubby]

My uBPDw brings up a few reoccurring issues that she has with me. One of them is that I fail to show emotion (to her standards).

I have noticed that if I let my emotions out, it can act as a trigger for her and have since learned to put on a poker face and stay cool, calm and collected.

Once, NOT showing emotions was enough to trigger a massive Rage.

Is this the right way to handle this?

Why can my showing emotions be a trigger?

Thanks.

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[WalrusGumboot]

For me and my exBPDw, this was a classic no-win situation. Showing emotion would just escalate the situation. Not showing emotion, I was called "cold" and "a robot", and she would continue to bait me to try to get me to react. I feel that when she wanted to rage, she would find an excuse to rage. When I reacted, she felt she had justification to do so. She just loved conflict!

Looking back and comparing the two options, I would say that remaining calm and non-reactive was always the better option.

[VeryFree]

Same over here: I was too cool, all bussiness, no emotion.

And she was probably right. Hey, I'm a man!

The times I showed emotions and I needed her to be there for me, she wasn't. Why bother?

[MSE1081]

I am in the same boat... . whenever there was a major conflict... . resulting in him saying or doing something that was hurtful, I would express my emotions (usually tears) - that would send him over the edge. He didn't want to talk it out if I was crying... . crying is a sign of weakness... . etc. So, when I changed how I handled the situations by remaining calm... . and if I needed to I would cry in private... . now, that makes him even more upset because he feels like I am not listening to him or that I am trying to brush the issue under the rug.

[briefcase]

I don't necessarily agree that this is a "no win" situation. I do agree that how we choose to express our emotions matters.  No one wants to live with a robot, or someone so walled off emotionally that they behave like a robot.  And no one really wants to live like a robot, keeping emotions bottled up inside and festering. 

I've had some luck simply expressing my emotions verbally.  Simply saying "I feel (whatever)" helps at least communicate what's going on in my head sometimes.  It gives my wife something to work with, and lets some of the pressure out of me, wthout really excalating the emotional level.  It is triggering to my wife if I try to express my emotions the same way she expresses hers, or even at 50% of her intensity level.  So, things like angry outbursts, crying, pouting, sharp tones, etc. tend to send her into a spiral.

The other big part of this, frankly, is not really caring so much how your partner reacts to your emotions.  A firm understanding that your emotions are "your stuff" and not hers helps to let it out.  Sure, you may get an invalidating response from your partner, but it does help if you have a clear understanding of your right to feel and express emotion - regardless of her response (keeping in mind there are better and worse ways to express those emotions).

You are allowed to be fully human.      

[Sin_M]

@Briefcase: Yes, it is always tricky with the BPs because showing emotion is a threat to them but so is NOT showing it. For my husband, if I have emotions that he is forced to consider - and of course I, like everyone else, have emotions - that somehow means that his are not important. This is perceived as a direct threat to him and a rejection. He is unable to understand that two (or more) people's emotions can matter at the same time. Of course, if I remain neutral, it means that I don't care.

We have all been called selfish for having feelings by our BP partner. You just have to learn to get past that. ALL people have needs and feelings and it is not wrong or selfish. The things they say about you are not true. The things they accuse you of are not true. You aren't not responsible for their happiness, self-esteem or anything else.

[BPDHubby]

. I always tell my husband (he has BPD) that just because my emotions do not control me does not mean they don't exist. I just control them. Of course, saying that to him is useless but that doesn't make it untrue.

This. This is exactly how I feel. I remember growing up, my father would get very upset and his blood pressure would skyrocket. My mother would always put it on us kids for getting him that mad - saying we would be the death of him. I always made a point of not letting my emotions get the better of me - one of the reasons why I am able to keep things under control at home with my wife.

[BPDHubby]

Same over here: I was too cool, all bussiness, no emotion.

And she was probably right. Hey, I'm a man!

The times I showed emotions and I needed her to be there for me, she wasn't. Why bother?

Why bother? I do it for my kids. I agree that it is difficult when I do need some support and could use a wife I can lean on. I did read somewhere that your wife is your wife - not your T. That helps me get through it sometimes.

[BPDHubby]

I've had some luck simply expressing my emotions verbally.  Simply saying "I feel (whatever)" helps at least communicate what's going on in my head sometimes.  It gives my wife something to work with, and lets some of the pressure out of me, wthout really excalating the emotional level.  It is triggering to my wife if I try to express my emotions the same way she expresses hers, or even at 50% of her intensity level.  So, things like angry outbursts, crying, pouting, sharp tones, etc. tend to send her into a spiral.

Thanks - I will try this. I have attempted this before after the fact - once she is stable, and I get a response of "Why don't you show me your emotions?" I am afraid she somehow feeds off of the emotions given.

[VeryFree]

Why bother? I do it for my kids. I agree that it is difficult when I do need some support and could use a wife I can lean on. I did read somewhere that your wife is your wife - not your T. That helps me get through it sometimes.

That's right, neither are you her T. You're her husband with your own issues, good sides and bad sides. We are all human and if we live with another we should accept that and the SO should too.

I understand you do things for your kids. Very good imho, but realize that before you can be there for another and care for them, youfirst have to learn to be there for yourself and care for yourself.