breaking point/ needing help/ suicidal

[gallerykey]

what do you do, where do you go when you really believe youre at that point you cant take any more?

[WonderingWhat]

You read this:  www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_help.htm

Then you call someone.

[Suzn]

Hi imj, I'm sorry you are struggling right now. 

What's going on my friend?

[gallerykey]

for the first time in my life i wish i didnt have my children as i know it would be so simple not to be here any more

[Suzn]

Well, I'm thankful for your children then. We are glad you are here. 

Children can be a Godsend when we are feeling so low. Hugs from them are so helpful and warm.

What have you been doing for you?

Have you located a T for support? (I read in one of your prior posts you were looking)

[gallerykey]

Not been doing enough for me, just trying to hold it together in front of other people seems to take enough of my energy.

I have a T, not sure shes the best for this problem so could do with looking for another but I knew I needed someone quick before I got too bad and she has been helpful. I listen to everything Im told, but I just dont get it, grasp it or understand it... . hurts so much to think the one you loved and trusted can push all your buttons to hurt you and want to see you hurt and ruined. Cant see ways out of this pain

[Suzn]

Not been doing enough for me, just trying to hold it together in front of other people seems to take enough of my energy.

Who are you hiding this from? And why do you feel you have to hide your pain? It's ok and normal to cry in front of others when we are deeply sad. This is vulnerability imj, this can help bring people together for support when it's very much needed. Do you have friends or family you can go to with how you are feeling?

I have a T, not sure shes the best for this problem so could do with looking for another but I knew I needed someone quick before I got too bad and she has been helpful.

Good! This is good self care. Reaching out before things get too bad is you taking care of you. 

I listen to everything Im told, but I just dont get it, grasp it or understand it... . hurts so much to think the one you loved and trusted can push all your buttons to hurt you and want to see you hurt and ruined. Cant see ways out of this pain

This is normal, as hard as it is, to not understand everything right now. You sound drained and depressed, have you had a chance to read this? : Depression and Suicidal Ideation

Pay close attention to what this says about serotonin levels and how this can affect you. Talking with your doctor about the possibility of medication for a time may be helpful.

Taking care of the basics right now is important. Getting rest, making sure you eat, etc... Taking short walks and getting some exercise will be helpful too, even if we don't feel like it sometimes we have to push ourselves just a little to get better. This will take some time, be kind to you right now. Your children need their mom, even if she's sad for a little while. It will get better.   

[gallerykey]

Honestly, i think im trying to hide it from me, dont want to admit my life really has become this bad and low. I survived my divorce with barely a shed tear yet my ex partner can bring me to my knees ready to give up my entire life. I also dont like my children to see me like this, Im their rock, keep it all together for them.

I had planned to see my doctor this week, but i dont do medication, dont even do pain killers let alone anti depressants, my T has suggested this already.

I have no one to turn to, my friends lost during the r/s and family i held at arms length when i saw how things were becoming with him as i was frightened they would see him as a nasty person, which in a way is true but i wanted to protect him, the carer , yes i do know my own issues of being a carer.

This moment in time just shut myself away in my bedroom with headphones in listening to music very loud to try and shut everything out, just me my music and reaching out to this board for help in the hope i dont do anything stupis to rid the pain i cant cope with.

I was such a strong person so hate myself for becoming THIS!

[Suzn]

I was such a strong person so hate myself for becoming THIS!

This? This, is a human. A very hurt human. It looks like you are definitely a survivor imj. A strong individual will reach out for support like you are doing here. What is holding you back from getting support from your family as well now?

You are coping, you are here working through this pain. There is no reason to hate yourself for being human.

[gallerykey]

THIS, this is a failure, yes very hurt so a very hurt failure. I cant do anything right, everything is my fault, Im to blame for all the bad things that happen, its my fault hes this way, i made him worse. I heard it enough times to know it must be true. I never ask for help in any shape or form, dont see how i can reach out to people now when in their eyes all they saw was me dumping them for "the man of my dreams"

I suppose when you look at it, where i am now is my fault, i allowed it, why did i allow one person to enter mine and my childrens lives and cause so much carnage? I have really tried to understand but i just cant get it. Want the tears to stop, want to sleep, want to eat, want to be able to breath properly

I was ok for the first 3 weeks so why now?

[Suzn]

I cant do anything right

You can look at those two little beauties you helped to create, two children right?

I heard it enough times to know it must be true.

Just because someone says something over and over, that doesn't make it so.

I never ask for help in any shape or form, dont see how i can reach out to people now when in their eyes all they saw was me dumping them for "the man of my dreams"

I was ok for the first 3 weeks so why now?

This is an excerpt from the link I gave you above.

Long-term High Stress Level In this situation, the patient is depressed but can't quite put their finger on the cause. Imagine running a video tape of your life, reviewing the past 18 months. Look at the stress you've been under, the amount of responsibility, the number of pressures, and the number of hassles. In actual clinical practice, this cause of depression is seen more often than sudden loss. This type of depression creeps up on you.

I suppose when you look at it, where i am now is my fault, i allowed it, why did i allow one person to enter mine and my childrens lives and cause so much carnage? I have really tried to understand but i just cant get it. Want the tears to stop, want to sleep, want to eat, want to be able to breath properly

The loss of sleep and not eating properly can significantly exaggerate our emotions in a time of loss imj. It's good to acknowledge our role, that's a show of maturity. Right now focusing on your self care will help you work through these painful emotions.  

[Emelie Emelie]

I understand how you feel.  I've felt so overwhelmingly sad and broken that I don't know how I can survive feeling this way one more day.  Have you tried reaching out to some of the people you feel you kept at arms length?  You may be surprised at how they will react if you reach out to them.  I had a good male friend that my xBPDbf hated.  This guy was pretty protective of me and had a few conversations with my BF about it.  BF was jealous and felt he was disrespectful of our relationship.  I cut him out of my life.   He was a family friend as well and was no longer invited for holidays, etc. I'm sure I hurt him a great deal.  Well I saw him last night and we talked about it a bit and I apologized and it was okay.  It will take time to rebuild the friendship but I didn't feel like he didn't want anything to do with me anymore.

[cska]

Hey! I'm sorry you feel so much pain  

I was once in the same place. Feeling depressed, suicidal, like my life has no meaning. I too couldn't believe how low I've fallen. I have always been a strong, ambitious, successful, happy person, and there I was, sitting all alone, feeling empty, as I my life was over and I was never going to feel happy again.

But I'm talking from experience, it gets better. It really does. The pain will eventually lose its intensity. You will feel happy again, I promise.

Be strong, hang in there! I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers 

[gallerykey]

It all just feels too hard right now but I know it will get better over time. I know he will never be healthy but knowing and accepting are 2 very different ways of thinking. I asked his mum to help and encourage him as he admitted he wasnt taking his meds properly, her reply, he seems happy enough. Yeah cos she hasnt had the nasty, hurtful, stab u in the back tects amd messages that I have and still wont believe he has a real problem despite being diagnosed. I know IM better off away from it all and need to change my phone number to ensure i stick to NC but doesnt help my thoughts and feelings and theyre harder than anything. He knew how i felt this evening and went to see his friend who was down after splitting up with his GF, think thats what really brought it REAL to me, I have ignored alot but cant ignore that. Thankyou to everyone on here x

[Suzn]

I know IM better off away from it all and need to change my phone number to ensure i stick to NC but doesnt help my thoughts and feelings and theyre harder than anything. He knew how i felt this evening and went to see his friend who was down after splitting up with his GF, think thats what really brought it REAL to me, I have ignored alot but cant ignore that. Thankyou to everyone on here x

You may be very right that this is a time for NC. A time for you to get a stronger foothold on your emotions so that you can more easily stand by your boundaries. This is also very sound self care. If you feel changing your number is the best thing to do for you then by all means. If instead you feel he will respect your need for distance for a while then it may be best to simply inform him you need time for your own healing you may not have to go that far. You know him best. What do you feel is right for you?

[Newton]

imj72 ... . I am so glad you chose to reach out to people here when things have become so difficult for you... .

It's what I did when I joined here and I felt like I simply couldn't carry on.  It's really important that you appreciate you are not alone with this.  I appreciate typing into my keyboard isn't going to change your feelings.  What really helped me was to see this place as a surrogate family... . people who understood the pain I was in... . people who truly "got it"... .

Posting here means you are doing a kind thing for yourself... . the first step in removing this pain from your life.  We can all type "it will get better"... . I heard that from kind folks back in the day... . it took a while to happen but slowly and surely it did.  Looking back now on who I was then... . well it's a little unrecognisable... .

If things get that bad, please please please phone a crisis line.  Getting through one night when you are this down is a major success... .

Oh... . and as for the meds... . I resisted for years... . and when I finally chose to take them I kicked myself for weeks that I hadn't done it sooner... . suzn makes an excellent point... . it's important you do some reading on serotonin levels.  I was running on vapours... . it sounds like you might be too... .

[gallerykey]

Part of the problem is although he knows he isnt healthy, yes has meds when he remembers, but hasnt really accepted it. he says hes had hypno for his lying and has been referred for complex needs but still doesnt grasp it so we hadnt ever discussed boundaries. he said he wants to work it out and loves me then next breath says hes had an offer of a date and a tough choice of seeing her or me, gutted me. when i get upset and angry and say enough is enough and to move on i get hurled abuse and called names, the next morning its back to normal, then it starts with the accusations of cheating etc... . so i dont think he understands boundaries.

the thought of never having contact again scares me but is it better for me? not sure i could either way if that makes sense.

just wish i knew where i really stood either way. its everytime i find out a new lie he kicks off but he still cant understand he is causing it, he turns it and blames me

[Suzn]

when i get upset and angry and say enough is enough and to move on i get hurled abuse and called names, the next morning its back to normal, then it starts with the accusations of cheating etc... . so i dont think he understands boundaries.

Boundaries are our own personal rules for us, not rules for someone else to live by. For example: I will not engage further if someone calls me names. This isn't necessarily something you have to express over and over. Meaning, you can explain this once if you chose to, if it isn't honored then what? You get to chose whether it is healthy for you to step back for your own self preservation. If one would continue to engage in this then it's not really a boundary, or better said maybe a boundary you are shaky on enforcing.

the thought of never having contact again scares me but is it better for me? not sure i could either way if that makes sense.

Exactly. Makes total sense. So instead of acting on changing your number at this time maybe letting him know you will not be responding for a while so that you can gain a foothold on your emotions. He may or may not respect that. If he doesn't you don't have to engage it.

just wish i knew where i really stood either way. its everytime i find out a new lie he kicks off but he still cant understand he is causing it, he turns it and blames me

You chose where you stand. You get to decide if this is healthy for you.