Trying to find true sense of self

[zone out]

I wonder if anyone can identify with this - as a recent member of the site I have been involved in a degree of introspection ... . trying to figure what is important to me, identify my core values, set boundaries etc.

For some time I have felt like a puppet with my elderly uBPD mother pulling the strings but I think now I have come to the realization that I have somewhat lost touch with my true sense of self.  I almost feel that I have to get to know myself as an individual.  Perhaps this is related to enmeshment.

Has anyone experienced this feeling.

Zone out

[Calsun]

Hi Zone Out,

Absolutely.  You're not alone.  My mother who has all of the symptoms of uBPD, is so controlling that it was difficult to know who I was or what I wanted.  What I loved was attacked and often made fun of, and she was constantly taking credit for my accomplishments or trying to usurp my will or undermine my sense of reality.  The enabling parent was also undermining of my sense of reality.  You do that enough and a child doesn't know who they are, what they think and what they like.  What is natural becomes attacked and questioned constantly, so it was a struggle for me.

I have gotten far better in knowing how I feel and being able to own my sense of reality, what I like and don't like, but that has been a struggle for me in my life.  There was always the sense of what do I like, who am I v. who am I supposed to be.

My uBPD mother was not concerned with who I was.  She had a distorted mirroring of who I am, was really just narcissistically projecting her reality onto me, often projecting her dark side onto me and her negative self-image, and saw me as a reflection of her.  Anytime one is raised with that kind of parenting and mirroring it will be difficult to really know yourself.

But there is great opportunity for growth in that area. I've definitely felt it in my life, for certain. And the fact that you are asking the question is great!  And you are not alone in the process of self-discovery.

Calsun

[GeekyGirl]

Calsun is right--you're not alone. For those of us who have spent our entire lives appeasing our parents by putting their needs first, it can feel like we don't know who we really are.

I was very enmeshed with my mother--to the point where I dressed like her, bought furniture that she picked out, and adopted many of her social and political views. Now that I've branched out, I'm my own person and have changed how I dress and how I vote (although I've kept the couch she picked out ). She doesn't approve of many of my choices, but I'm feeling more and more comfortable in my own skin, and the healthy people in my life have taken notice.

You may, as Calsun and I have done, have to really dig in and get to know yourself. It is hard, and you may run into some bumps in the road with your mother, but the feeling of freedom and enlightenment is truly amazing.

[zone out]

Thank you Calsun and Geeky Girl for your insights.  It is so good to know that others have had experienced this kind of feeling.

I was more fortunate in childhood than many adult children whose posts I have read - mother was so enmeshed and tangled up with her extended family, emotionally she was kept very distracted (on reflection there must have been a few PDs going on there) that I was able to keep a very low profile and pretty much escaped being the target of her 'episodes' although I would have witnessed them. As a child I made sure that I sorted out my own problems and was very intent that that mother would not hear anything that would upset her.

I left home young, with a sense of rebellion and could honestly say I developed the true sense of my individuality.  She did not approve but I honestly could not care less.

Within a decade she had reeled me in again, prompted by the commencement of a chronic health issue.  Since then ... . a quarter of a century! has passed - she has been chipping away at me, and I have somewhat lost touch with my real self ... . and I don't even feel as cheated or as resentful as a 'normal' person should.  I think I have set my expectations so low as a coping mechanism over the years.  Also by subjugating your own needs and feelings, going on automatic pilot - it is nearly easier to deal with the difficult issues on an ongoing basis.  Now I know I should have been determining my values and setting boundaries.

I feel that I have just driven out of fog (the mist variety) and the everything is starting to look clearer.  I'm sure glad I found this site when I did, thank you.

Zone out

[isshebpd]

Within a decade she had reeled me in again, prompted by the commencement of a chronic health issue.

The exact same thing happened to me. I was independently living in another city, but developed stress-related health problems. My uBPDmom jumped on it to lure me back to my home city :P

Ever since, I've struggled to keep my life seperate. When we (me and DW) were apartment hunting, we found a beautiful but expense apartment. I told uBPDmom about it and she got excited about us living in such a nice place with a beautiful view (even telling other people). We crunched the numbers and realized it was unrealistic, but I still felt like we had to get the apartment because my uBPDmom loved it.

DW had to remind me that we were looking for an for us, not my uBPDmom