The other side of the world signal, did you ever get it ?

[Reg]

Hi,

The title may sound curious, but it comes from something my ex said a number of times to me.

It was something like this : I wish we could move to the other side of the world, where nobody knows us, and everybody leaves us in peace (actually in the middle of nowhere)

Of course reality did precent us from doing so, and most of all her family and fears of abandonment.  If it wasn't for the fact that my mom is still alive, I wouldn't even mind, I ve been travelling a lot, most certainly all over Europe, and Australia and New Zealand are very attractive to me as countries to live in.

However if we take a deeper look into that line she said, it is as if she says I wish I could run away from all the influences from others who cause so much trouble in my mind and in our relationship.

Anyone had similar experiences with their borderline ?

Thanks !

Reg

[Nearlybroken]

My expwBPD would always talk about "running away" to another country or getting a camper van and touring.During his therapy he spoke to the T about this... . at the end of his programme she did a written  assesment/flow chart  of his "thinking processs" and concluded that his desire to travel/be a hippy was more than the typical fantasy we all have at some point.She told him that he had great difficulty being "grown up and responsible" and actually just couldnt cope with the reality of adult life.

[emotionaholic]

Yes

She always fantasized about moving to Montana, to the middle of nowhere.  I have often told the T that if we could just live in a bubble I think it would actually work.  Outside influences ie kids, family, friends, job, had a way of inducing hurricane levels of opposition.  But shut up in the house alone for a weekend or a trip just the two of us and it was magical.  I would fear a friend stopping by or calling, because anything that distracted my focus on her and look out wrath of god kind of stuff.

[tailspin]

Reg,

My ex idolized Chris McAllister from "into the wild" and thought that was the greatest thing a person could do... . run away.  Finally after hearing him glorify this person one too many times, I expressed  my opinion that McAllister was a coward who hurt everyone who had ever loved him, and boy did I get punished for it.  Rage followed by the silent treatment followed by madness.

These escape fantasies are common for people with BPD because they feel so misunderstood and believe the only real solution is to run away.  My ex had grand fantasies involving a motor home and lavish travel plans but had no concept whatsoever about working hard and saving money so these dreams could become a reality; he truly expected his dreams to be dropped at his feet.  I remember looking at him like he was crazy; turned out he was.

tailspin

[ObiRedKenobi]

My ex would talk about moving away to somewhere and starting over. There were TONS of red flags before she started bringing up moving away. I'm glad we never did the isolation and seperation would be impossible to deal with if we had.

[allinthesmall]

My H says he would love to live in the middle of 100 acres and never have visitors.

I think he fantasizes about this (and also the reason he hates it when anyone comes over) is because it's so much work to be fake. He's so personable at work and around other people, but when we're alone he is almost constantly snapping, complaining, and walking around with a miserable look on his face. I think keeping all that misery hidden must be exhausting.

[Reg]

Hi,

I think all the stories have at some point something in common, the fact that they actually want to run away from reality.  Very curious, and so understandable on the other hand.

I wonder if anyone actually ever did this and what the result was.  But I'm convinced it wasn't positive.

Thanks for sharing !

Reg

[asher2]

Reg... . It is truly amazing how similar many of our stories are and especially the things we encountered along the way. I certainly encountered something like you described.

My ex talked often about how much she loved being at my place. She called it "fantasy land" and in her description, everything was perfect when we were at our place. She would say that once we left my place, reality hit. I guess she felt very protected when she was at my place.

But I always thought it was weird that she said that and while we were together, I never understood why she said it. Knowing what I know now about BPD, I now know that every time I left for work (she basically lived with me and lost her job), her abandonment fears probably kicked in. And for her, the outside world was I think a place that "knocked her down" often (although a lot of it was her own fault). But again, I think she felt very safe at my place.

My guess is comments like the one your ex made and the one I just described have a lot to do with abandonment fears which is the root of BPD.

[mcc503764]

Hi all -

interesting perspective as I have thought of this one many, many times... .

My x, has always been the "hippy / feminist - type."  She moved across country and lived for many years.  She moved back to the area, but distanced herself from her family as she lived 2+ hours north.

When we were together, she would always talk about relocating to other states.  This was completely impractical and couldn't happen.  I think she resented me because of it on some level? (while she did NOTHING to attempt to make this happen herself... . )

It was frustrating / maddening to say the least.  Just another example of her false reality, I guess and he needing to be "saved" on some level?

It's funny, no matter how far you relocate yourself, the problem will still follow because you cant escape yourself!

<CC

[Reg]

mcc,

How correct even for all of us, we can't escape ourselves.

Asher 2,

I had the same experience at my home, we lived 55 miles apart, and she stayed here once for 10 days, moving in with me, with possible 'want to stay'.  She didn't because her mother was missing her to much and she even moved out with a sorry note, not the way she wanted it, but my mom was afraid that you would hurt me (physically).  Funny thing is that she was the only one who really has physically attacked me on a moment... .

But even after that when she came here for a day or a weekend or so, she also said to feel protected, relaxed, and things did go a lot better here at my place then otherwise.  No fights, no serious twisting in her head as usual.

That is till she cheated on me with a known borderline in my street, from that moment on it was just another hell house... .

Reg

[recoil]

My ex also liked Into the Wild.

Another movie she liked was The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

When I watched these movies, I knew what I was dealing with on an instinctual level.  Never again will I ignore my gut. 

Amazing how we could all be speaking about the same individual, regardless of gender/age.

[Iamdizzy]

My uBPDex would say this on a daily basis, "I love the movie eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" and that she want to move far away and start over. I think she wanted to run away from herself and the memories of her town. However, wherever you go, there you are.

[Iamdizzy]

Recoil, yes! I see so much similarities on here I could of sworn we all dated the same person. Sad.

[causticdork]

When we were together, she would always talk about relocating to other states.  This was completely impractical and couldn't happen.  I think she resented me because of it on some level? (while she did NOTHING to attempt to make this happen herself... . )


<CC

Yeah, this exactly.  Mine always wanted to travel (who doesn't?) and would mope and whine about how we never go anywhere exciting.  Meanwhile, she's unemployed, bringing in no income, and living off of me while I work to cover both of our living expenses.  I kept telling her I would love to plan a vacation together and go see the world, and I would suggest that once she started working we could have a savings account that we both deposited money into for the express purpose of taking an awesome vacation.  She'd get more mopey, because clearly she wanted me to just whisk her away to exotic locales without her having to chip in a dime or do any work.  She also constantly talked about moving.  We live in the desert, and she says she hates the environment and wants to move somewhere that's more green and beautiful.  I think more than anything she just wants an Etch-A-Sketch do-over (to paraphrase Eddie Izzard).  She wants to look at the mess she's made, and then just be able to turn it over and shake it hard enough that it all goes away and she can start over.  The problem is that anywhere she goes she'll still be a drug addict with a severe personality disorder, and no money or job.  

I always attributed her desire to "start over" as something that came from the drug abuse (pretty common for addicts to want to run away to get clean so they don't have to deal with all their triggers to use) but maybe it was the BPD as well.  

[talithacumi]

The last time I saw my exupwBPD he told me with tears in his eyes was that he played powerball every week in the hope of winning it big enough so he could run off to Turkey, get an apartment, mail me a plane ticket, have me join him there, and live with me in secret with no one to cast aspersions or make trouble for us of any kind anymore.

This was almost two years after he left me for a woman he'd met/been having an affair with for less than a month, was still with at the time, and literally had JUST told me he really hoped he would eventually be able to actually feel safe enough being around so he could maybe live with her again & even marry her like he really wanted.

Total escapist fantasy. Had 'em when we were together, too. But after? Just another unexpected, wildly confusing aspect of the disorder that became really hard to ignore/JADE after the fact.

[Octoberfest]

My ex talked often about how much she loved being at my place. She called it "fantasy land" and in her description, everything was perfect when we were at our place. She would say that once we left my place, reality hit. I guess she felt very protected when she was at my place.

My BPDex used to tell me that she loved our "ritual". She would come over to my place after we were done with classes and homework and life and whatnot and she could curl up on my futon and watch a movie while I sat within arms reach on the computer.  Every 10 minutes or so she would be woken up by me spinning around and kissing her on the forehead.  Then I would come to bed and we would often have sex and then I would wrap her in my arms and we would fall asleep. 

She talked about that experience with almost reverence... . she told me that "no matter what happens each day, what goes right or wrong, if it is a good day or a bad day, I can come over and go to sleep with you in your arms and everything is ok".

:'(

Yes

She always fantasized about moving to Montana, to the middle of nowhere.  I have often told the T that if we could just live in a bubble I think it would actually work.  Outside influences ie kids, family, friends, job, had a way of inducing hurricane levels of opposition.  But shut up in the house alone for a weekend or a trip just the two of us and it was magical.  I would fear a friend stopping by or calling, because anything that distracted my focus on her and look out wrath of god kind of stuff.

Haha, sorry to be the one to ruin the fantasy, but BPD is alive and well here in Montana. Emotionaholic, I have said the EXACT same thing to people.  When it was just my BPDex and I behind a closed door, everything was PERFECT. We were so enmeshed in each other, so connected with each other, so in love, it was incredible.  But as soon as that door opened and other people with other wants and expectations appeared, it all vanished. She couldn't maintain focus... . She didn't know how to prioritize.  Whoever or whatever is in front of her face at any given time is her focus.  That strategy makes having a faithful working relationship IMPOSSIBLE.

[cska]

Yes, mine would dream about running away together very often. I think she was trying to run away from her anxiety and fears, and she thought that running away physically would somehow remedy that.

[mcc503764]

When it was just my BPDex and I behind a closed door, everything was PERFECT. We were so enmeshed in each other, so connected with each other, so in love, it was incredible.  But as soon as that door opened and other people with other wants and expectations appeared, it all vanished. She couldn't maintain focus... . She didn't know how to prioritize.  Whoever or whatever is in front of her face at any given time is her focus.  That strategy makes having a faithful working relationship IMPOSSIBLE.

I think I speak for a lot of people who have experienced this same dynamic... . so intense and personal behind closed doors but completely the opposite in other situations... . one cannot help but wonder WHY?

MCC