Do they have any loyalty in their hearts?

[LivingTheNightmare]

For example, when someone with BPD dysregulates, or disassociates... . or triangulates, or does any of those things that is part of the illness, how do you know if you're the anchor, as it were? Are their good moods genuine and bad moods a reaction/defense mechanism? Or are they both equally as significant as each other?

Like with my current situation, she tells me after 3 years that she doesn't love me, which has changed overnight, and a few days later she's sleeping with someone else... . she doesn't seem like herself either, cold and scripted almost. If she is disassociating from me to avoid the pain of her jealousy and commitment issues, then does she feel the same way about this guy that she did when she first met me? Or is she burying her (true) feelings for me while he is just a fantasy distraction?

Do they have any loyalty? Or do they literally just run around as they please like this with no attachment beyond their present moment in time? :/

[LivingTheNightmare]

And are they capable of love? Is it possible that she can still love me whilst using this other guy as a distraction, to bury those feelings of love for me? Or are they completely gone, and she is genuinely uninterested in me since she started sleeping with him?

[LivingTheNightmare]

Is she over me and starting the process all over again, so soon after being with me? (a week) or is it possible that this is her 'acting out' and trying to push me away? :/

[mcc503764]

Their “loyalty” is to THEMSELVES.  I think it’s a survival mechanism.  They rebound so quickly because all they do is transfer feelings from one to another.  I think that it’s really that impersonal.  Which is why WE tend to take it so personal!

I guess this is the way that I can make any logical sense of it.  Think about it, she has probably never had anytime truly “single” for a very long time?  If you never have the opportunity to recover from the emotional fallout of a r/s, then what do you think happens?  The issues, feelings, and emotions compound from one to the next…it’s like a snowball effect?  This is their emotional existence….so in essence, problems / troubles in your r/s could have been very likely the result of their past traumas?

MCC

[LivingTheNightmare]

This is why I am so lost, we met when she was 16 and I was 19, 3 years ago, and she had only had one 'relationship' before that which lasted a month and was 5 months before I met her... . so I have nothing to go on. I was her 'first love' as she puts it and I just wonder if her affection/'love' for me still remains, buried, or if she has actually moved on in the space of 2 weeks :s

[eternity75]

"Their “loyalty” is to THEMSELVES."

About 5-6 months into dating my bf I remember he commented on a post on facebook that said something like "Singles, who is the person you love most? Tell us about them" and of course, I read the comment thinking he would have written something about me since he was constantly declaring his undying love for me, saying I was the best woman in the world, the best thing that ever happened to him, and he wanted me in his life forever. His comment to "who do you love the most?" was "Me!"

I am also starting to notice when he is looking for new supply and putting all his energy into that and when that supply doesn't turn out as expected. I have access to his call and text logs on his phone and while I don't know what the messages sent are, I know if it's a woman he's texting and I can see the patterns of texting them vs how he is treating me. For example, he was recently texting another woman, texts increased until he was texting her constantly throughout his day while I would get only a few standard texts from him.  At the same time, his attention on me is waning... . he still does the minimum he thinks he needs to do to keep me from "getting mad at him", but the change in him goes from I love you so much and you are the center of my universe to I just called to say goodnight but I'm really tired and have to go to bed early, then stays up half the night texting her. Then suddenly the texts stop, no more texts to her... . I am guessing he turned up the heat and she shot him down. And suddenly he is declaring his undying love for me again and telling me I am the best woman in the world. And I am like "uh huh" I see what's going on here. It's that easy for them. They turn it on and off like a switch. I am finally starting to realize this.

Of course I never say it. I am working on detaching completely from all of this so I don't start drama with regards to his actions anymore. I've stopped reacting to what he is doing. I am sure he thinks this is because he has gained my trust back. Little does he know his greatest source of supply right now is on the way out the door.

[LivingTheNightmare]

Now that you've written that it shows a pattern with my ex... . I remember quite a few nights when she didn't want a goodnight call because she was tired and going to bed, around 11:30, but would still be up on facebook till like 2am... . it makes me wonder how many other guys were actually getting her attention during our relationship :/

That would also explain why she freaked out once when she found a wallpost where I was talking to a girl (just talking) during on of our 2 day breakups and she started going on about how when she dumps me I 'run off to other women'... . is this likely projection in play?

[danley]

I think they can be loyal but only if It's beneficial to them. While together I believe he was loyal in all senses. But loyalty went out the door once he felt threatened with his fears, shame, and guilt. I became the bad guy because I voiced uneasiness in the relationship due to his woe is me attitude. He would complain about his issues but never worked on them. I told him to work on them and poof that was it. The loyalty he had for me dwindled. Even tho he knew I was right it wasn't what he wanted to hear.

Flash forward to today and I cannot say where his loyalty lays. Although he is dating someone he is doing things for me that he wouldnt while we were together which he would not want to do. It's strange. As an example, NOW he texts me while he is with his kids. During our relationship he wouldn't and I didn't ask him to. Another example is that he will text me while he is with his new lady friend. Maybe it could be a sign of loyalty but really I feel It's him playing both sides. I don't think he will be able to keep up with this. It's more an ego thing than a loyalty thing.

I am a loyal person thru and thru. I cannot say the same for my ex anymore.

[eternity75]

Danley I think if they don't completely hate us after the end of the relationship they try to keep one foot in the door in hopes there is a chance they can suck us back in if things don't work out with whoever they are currently with. Or as long as there is a hope of getting any kind of attention and supply from us.

My bf cheated on me early in our relationship with another woman. She later told him she was interested in more than just sex and didn't like where his attention seemed to be (on just sex) and that they would only ever be "just friends". To this day he will randomly text or email her out of the blue and say "When can I see you again?" She never responds. I asked her once after I saw another one of these messages if there was anything going on between them. She said no, she has told him they are just friends and it will never be more than that. I asked why he keeps sending her these messages then and she said "I don't know, he doesn't seem to get the hint". This was before I realized he is BPD. I think he has a complete lack of what is appropriate and not. For example, he also sends inappropriate messages to his massage therapist telling her things like how he imagines her in a bikini on the beach. I asked her about this as well and she said "Yes he does send me inappropriate messages. I just ignore them. He is a client of mine and nothing more, but he doesn't seem to realize his advances are unwelcome". It's a total lack of awareness for social cues. I suspect this happens a lot more than I am even aware.

As for loyalty with them... . I don't believe it exists.