Understanding that this is not a normal breakup

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

As I have been coming to grips with the situation that I went through, it has been extremely difficult to find others that understand that this is not a normal breakup.  Our mutual friends, even though they do not trust my uxBPDbf, they do not see his behavior as pathological.  Since he is undiagnosed, it drives me a little mad that others can just say things like "he's just a scumbag, the world is full of them", as if there is something normal about the behavior.  Of course, most people do not understand the full extent and are unaware of how much manipulation and sadism I have seen.  And therefore, they dont understand that the pain I feel is connected to behavior that is not normal.

Related to this is the issue of breaking silence.  I kept so much a secret for so long.  I want to tell people.  I want others to know, but I feel like telling my story is just character assassination.  I dont want to turn other people against him, but I want them to understand that there is a serious problem and not just overlook it. 

The way he ended it, literally left me in a physical place where I have no support network, and just 2 weeks before my lonely birthday.  It has been 2 months now. 

Have others coped with the sense of being the only one that sees the ugly truth?  And if so, are there any suggestions. 

[whirlwind]

As I have been coming to grips with the situation that I went through, it has been extremely difficult to find others that understand that this is not a normal breakup.  Our mutual friends, even though they do not trust my uxBPDbf, they do not see his behavior as pathological.  Since he is undiagnosed, it drives me a little mad that others can just say things like "he's just a scumbag, the world is full of them", as if there is something normal about the behavior.  Of course, most people do not understand the full extent and are unaware of how much manipulation and sadism I have seen.  And therefore, they dont understand that the pain I feel is connected to behavior that is not normal.

Related to this is the issue of breaking silence.  I kept so much a secret for so long.  I want to tell people.  I want others to know, but I feel like telling my story is just character assassination.  I dont want to turn other people against him, but I want them to understand that there is a serious problem and not just overlook it. 

The way he ended it, literally left me in a physical place where I have no support network, and just 2 weeks before my lonely birthday.  It has been 2 months now. 

Have others coped with the sense of being the only one that sees the ugly truth?  And if so, are there any suggestions. 

[shaggysoul]

I totally hear that whirlwind.

Most people either don't see the insanity of their behavior because they have not witnessed it or they just don't understand what BPD is. I am in the medical profession and even trying to talk to my peers about my exBPDbf falls on deaf ears. A big part of it for me is that it was difficult to describe the chaos the relationship was seeped in and to try to illustrate the irrational arguments we would get into. I didn't understand them. Why would anyone else. People would just sort of tune them out.

I feel really invalidated when people don't get on board with me in regards to his mental illness. I feel like they are looking at me like I am trying to make myself feel better after "getting rejected".  It makes me feel lonely.

[seeking balance]

Related to this is the issue of breaking silence.  I kept so much a secret for so long.  I want to tell people.  I want others to know, but I feel like telling my story is just character assassination.  I dont want to turn other people against him, but I want them to understand that there is a serious problem and not just overlook it. 

Well, you are not alone here - most anything you can say we have seen.

Regarding keeping silent - I found that I had protected my ex too and when I started talking... . how do I say this delicately... . I looked a bit like the crazy one.  Why on earth did I tolerate so much?  I also had friends that didn't take sides the way I would have liked and I had to realize that perhaps the people that I thought I could trust are not quite as good of friends as I thought... .

That said, we really are pretty broken at the end of this - do you happen to have your own T that can help you navigate your emotions as these relationships can leave us not know which way is up sometimes.

[hoping4hope]

Gosh, this brings back memories.  Way back when I dated a diagnosed BPD, before we broke up, he disappeared in the middle of the semester and left a message that I knew meant he was suicidal. I was the only one who knew of the diagnoses and this was not a well known disorder at the time.  Because I knew he was suicidal I put out calls to his roommates and his family back home to look out for him and that I thought he might hurt himself.  I would never have contacted them if he had just disappeared as this was pretty normal behavior. He had spent a weekend deeply depressed and doing serious drugs, but made it back to college in one piece.

When he got back he was angry that I had tried to track him down.  He did say that I must really care about him and that he was surprised.  Nevertheless he convinced his roommates and his family that I was crazy and overemotional.

He was suicidal, but he sacrificed me to cover his tracks.

Yours is not a normal break up whirlwind, but I think there is more of this kind of tragedy out there than people will acknowledge.  Just know that few people will really see it, because a pwBPD is soo good at covering.

Trust yourself.

[Clearmind]

I had that same urge to tell everyone however very few understood - abuse usually happens behind closed doors and the more I told the more I felt invalidated.

I have in time balanced my need to voice my ex's antics to everyone. In time, we begin to feel and believe what we endured however at the beginning I sought out validation that I was not making it up.

In time we realize we are not making it up and the validation part is less important.

Post away - it really does help.

[Ittookthislong]

Hey- mine left me in a place where i knew nobody. thats really hard. i think in retrospect it makes me now feel like, holy cow i actually am a really strong person to get through that... . but 2 months afterwards... . where you are i felt so down, and i felt ashamed for not being able to snap out of it, i thought i was weak and sort of unloveable, but that was my broken heart and it wasnt reality.

It hurts when your isolated, you dont have a support network to take you out, talk to, distract you. Most people need that support during normal breakups and this one is ten times the pain and need for help. Not to sound cheesy but even though you feel terrible this is when you get to see that you are a million times stronger than you thought you were. I started understanding everything around me with a whole other level. its the hardest times that you actually do grow the most- i think i would have rolled my eyes if i heard someone say that before, but now im starting to get what that really means.

it hurts like a $%&(&$er, and your friends cant understand if they didnt have the experience, it is such a wierd, intangible, unexplainable thing that you cant make some friends understand without them doubting you, which is very harmful too. The phrase ' revictimizing a victim' is no joke. I sometimes felt more pain from the wierd looks and condescending advice id get from friends who didnt have the slightest idea how i felt,(not their fault, i didnt know what heartbreak was till this last breakup). I actually sort of distanced myself from friends because when your trying to get your footing back and teetering between strength and self doubt, those who cant feel what you have felt will make you feel crazy. Im going through a lot of self doubt at the moment and that sucks.

I hope this didnt make you feel bad hearing how hard it may be for a while. I hope you can give yourself alotta stuff you need and deserve right now, and im so sorry that someone, anyone, would leave you alone to feel this way. its heartbreaking seeing your post cuz i know what your in the middle of is so much harder than anyone around you even realizes and i wish i knew what to say to let you know little by little, bit by bit youll feel spurts of your own happiness coming back. you will feel good again. take care

[whirlwind]

Yes! Ittookthislong, reading that brought some ease to my soul!  It really felt like I had undergone a spiritual rape.  I opened up my soul to this person.  He used that against me.  And suddenly disappeared, leaving me totally vulnerable.  About 10 days after I got to Houston (where my internship is), I was also nearly sexually assaulted in my parking lot in broad daylight.  So much craziness has happened to me over this summer that I dont even know how anyone can believe what I am telling them when I say it.  But it is all absolutely true, albeit surreal.

[whirlwind]

Also, I will add, I think the worst of it is now over for me.  I am starting to rebuild my future.

[Trick1004]

I think this it is because a lot of the actions and emotional abuse happen behind closed doors. My ex only showed her true colors when we were alone or around her family and the few close friends she still had. She was able to act out around her "group" because they had all seen it before and had accepted that that was who she was.

Her family and close friends always told me how great a guy I was for her and I am starting to feel that they were just amazed that I stayed with her for 3+ years with them having years of knowledge and experience dealing with her, her dad even told me early in the r/s to "watch out, she is a wreaking ball in life".

Around my family and friends she was always on her best behavior and I can see how they thought she was the sweetest most caring girl. However, I think she was terrified of being around the people close to me, that eventually they would be able to see through her mask and she limited the contact with my group as much as she possibly could.

I still haven't told anyone close to me much of anything about her actions and behavior that went on throughout our r/s,  I don't feel like dragging her through the dirt. Ultimately the things that happened I let happen and I don't need to tell anyone how horrible it was.

I have discussed the actual breakup with almost everyone close to me and for the most part they have told me I handled it very well. I can count on one hand though the people who have an inkling of understanding what I went through. One was my brother who I called up to get drunk with me on the Friday after she left me. He let me vent and at one point told me your r/s was crap and he thought it was best to be done with her. I also have a close friend from college who has been through some hitty relationships that I got drunk with the next weekend and he knew what I was going through. There were a couple others who found the way she left me out of the blue weird and said I was doing the right thing by throwing up boundaries right away to not contact her.

I guess it depends on if the people who are close to you have had a similar experience, I had a few that understood what was going on and let me know I was doing the right thing. This board has been the biggest help for me and I'm glad I found it a few day after the r/s ended. I knew nothing about BPD and probably would have muddled along getting recycled for awhile.

[thisyoungdad]

Well it is nice to know I am not the only one, although I don't like that others go through this too. Anyway though I still struggle with this, and it now is 11 months since she left. In fact today would have been our 5 year anniversary. I am slowly opening up more, but I too have been wanting to "protect" her which I am working on in therapy as realizing it is still rescuing her by keeping silent or not sharing the truth, or the whole truth, because I can do that respectfully and not compromise what I need by sharing those secrets. The more I keep silent the more she doesn't have to own the consequences of her actions at least within those who know us. Because those who know either from the tidbits she shares in her warped place where she actually thinks they would agree and or be supportive, or have heard from me, those people are not sticking around for her. Thankfully they are good people who realize that it is so crazy I couldn't possibly make it up, even if at the same time it is so crazy it is difficult to believe. Plus they know me.

That doesn't mean I go shouting it off the rooftops but people still barely know we are getting divorced or even separated and the divorce is nearly over! A lot of that was because I never said a word and she hasn't although she claims it is respecting me in reality it is her hiding her shame because she knows as well as everyone else that there was no good reason what so ever for her to leave. All of her female friends wanted me to teach their husbands a thing or two or at least highly respected me. They can't understand why should would up and ditch me when the clearly can see how I am a great guy, and a great dad. At our last attorney appointment she practically jumped up so excited when we reached a financial settlement that all but destroys her financially because all she cares about is "being done with me" and the lawyers even hers, was pretty surprised by her reaction. As her almost ex-husband I have realized that i can tell my story in a way that still respects her as in not character assignation, and still keep my integrity but stop keeping secrets. I think that is the key for me.

The reason people believe me also has to do with the fact she is paying off her first divorce for 3 more years, she treated her first ex the exact same way 5 years ago (I fell for her B.S about being a victim and we got together right after she left the first one and since we live in a small town people remember that. And they still question how the wife could possibly be true in her allegations of that first one so now that she is doing it a second time in 5 years which isn't that long, they are realizing perhaps the common denominator isn't us but her. In that way being in the same city is helpful because her actions speak a lot for themselves.

[Xtrange]

whirlwind,

I have the same problem.

Nobody believes me, even T (I have to send her some papers of BPD), neither my lawyer!

One of my friends told me: Why are you so fearful of her?