After 3 yrs, she ends the relationship for a petty reason

[Mr Mom...]

Hi,

I'm really feeling low right now. So excuse me if I come over as a bit abrupt.

I've been in a relationship with my g/f for 3 years now and recently she has become very rude to me, which I won't stand for. I usually point out her bad behaviour to her and say if she continues, I'm gonna go home etc... . then she would either apologise or leave things alone for a few days and then we're all good again, she usually learns that she can't get away with treating me badly (being rude, dismissive, insulting to me) and if she doesn't, she gets the same boundary put on her again until she does learn.

She has been begging me to give up smoking for the longest while (as has my son, 14, also) and 9 weeks ago I did (Yayyyy for me!  ) she has not been quite as supportive as I would have expected, but she has helped me along with it and said she was proud of me a few times. As I now have a lot more energy and more enthusiasm to get up off my lazy butt and do some excercises, go hiking, windsurfing etc, she has become more 'unstable', more anxious, more 'tired' all the time, and recently, constantly more rude and insulting towards me.

This past week, she has been especially dismissive and insulting, and I have made it known to her that I wont allow her to treat me like this. I gave her a couple of days to 'cool off' and then sent her a message or 2 to say Hi and I hope she's OK, hope she's having a good day, etc... .

Yesterday we had arranged for me to go over to her apartment to stay over, but when I got there, she just dismissed me again, opened her front door and just walked away, no 'Hello', no 'Hi. how are you' etc. So I stood in her living room and asked her to greet me nicely, she just walked off again and ignored me, then she walked right passed me (twice!) and continued to ignore me (Ugghhhh... . ) So I said to her' If you're going to behave like a bhit, then I'm just gonna turn around and go home'. She flushed red and flung her front door open for me to leave, didn't say anything, and neither did I. I just calmly walked out, got in my jeep and drove home.

After about 5 minutes, she sent me a message saying I had gone way over the line, and she will not allow anyone to call her a bhit, and 'she's done'.

Later on in the evening I sent her a message back saying that I had not 'called her a bhit' but said 'if you're gonna behave like a bhit' and there is a difference. Also I asked her if when she says 'I'm done' does she mean she ending the relationship? She responded (this morning) saying yes. and she won't allow anyone to call her a bhit or use that word to her in a conversation. And she says that I DID call her a bhit.

Never mind that she has called me a 'son of a bhit' on many occasions previously, but I would just say to her 'you know, that's really not nice for you to call me that and I'd prefer it if you wouldn't from now on. It took her about 4 times of calling me a 'son of a bhit' to actually stop calling me it. and, BTW, she would actually call me, say to me I'm a 'son of a bhit'.

I kind of suspect that maybe, just maybe, she has been talking to someone (a Therapist, I think or maybe a Councillor ) and I was sure that some time last year I saw some Haldol pills in her bedroom.  Her behaviour has been improving recently (over the last 6 months or so) slowly and gradually, but I'm wondering if she's stopped talking to who-ever and/or stopped taking the meds (assuming she was taking something?) and this may explain her recent bad moods/mood swings/insults etc. That, and maybe she's now feeling stressed that I'm becoming a bit more independent of her, doing my own things (excersising, windsurfing, hiking etc).

Anyway... . had to get that off my chest. I'm a bit down at the moment, but I'll be OK.

I think she expects me to go begging back to her, full of apologies and tears... . I just can't/won't do that. I didn't do anything wrong. I said she was behaving like a bhit and she was. I would apologise to her for using the word 'bhit' but I wont apologise for 'calling her a bhit' because I didn't. She is blaming me, as she always does.

The other thing is... . I live in a very, very small and isolated country, and the chances of finding any other girlfriend is very minimal, so I guess I'm going to be single for a good long time. Hmmppphhhh... .

I'm wondering if (after a few days of me not contacting her/not begging her back) she'll find an excuse to end up at my house or my office, as she usually does... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mr Mom...]

Oh, BTW, I forgot to mention that this weekend is her birthday! I have a nice gift for her and I had arranged for us to go out to dinner at a really nice (her favourite) restaurant. Guess that's all down the drain now... .

[arabella]

birthday you say? Hmm... . Any chance she dysregulates this time every year? I know my H has a really hard time with birthdays, holidays, etc. - it seems to be a common theme with pwBPD.

Also wanted to congratulate you on sticking to your boundaries - it isn't easy! What are you hoping for now? Do you have a plan going forward, or is it more of a wait-and-see thing for you now?

[Mr Mom...]

Hi Arabella,

Yeah, she does dysregulate badly, especially around Christmas, but birthdays also, and other celebratory events, travelling too. She also is under extra stress at the moment, from work (she works in a family run business) her Father and Step-mother are both away leaving her to run the whole operation on her own for about 5 or 6 weeks. Also, her Mother is in town for a while which also makes her anxious (although she wouldn't admit it).

Thanks for the congrats, those boundary things really do work, but I find you HAVE to stick to your guns no matter what, and it usually takes a few goes to get it into their heads.

What am I hoping for now? I don't know really! I guess I'm hoping she'll come to her senses and realise what a mistake she made by ending it. In all honesty, she won't find anyone else who can cope with her like I did. Like I said, we live in a tiny country... . population no more than a small town in the U.S. So I guess, at the moment I'm hoping she'll come back and we can work things out together, but I'm not holding my breath... . (and I'm not going to go to her to come back either).

Guess I'm just waiting and seeing for now... .

[emotionaholic]

Good job on the quitting smoking.  Hats off to you.  Sorry you are going through this right now.  I know how hard it is when they do this, and not knowing if this is really it or not.  Question though.  Is this the first breakup in your 3 year relationship?

No matter how you use the bhit word, and I hear you that you did not call her that but that was how she was behaving, it never settles well with women.  I have been called every name in the book and the one time I used that word, same way you did, she did not talk to me for weeks.

[Mr Mom...]

Hi Emotionaholic,

Yeah, this is the first time we have broken up. We have been through some tough times in the last 3 years, she has gone up to 6 weeks of not talking to me, had many rages, screamed "F### You" at me from across the street in public, called me an "a@@hole" etc etc... . but never broken up. All of these things, she has done when I bring her up on her behaviour, expose herself to herself.

Having said that, when she's "normal", she can be a great person to be around, very affectionate, humorous, appreciative, etc... . I really do love her and care for her deeply, as she does me, I have no doubt. We always find a way to make up... . not sure this one will ever recover though... . she can be very stubborn when she's ready. I really think she just couldn't take me putting the boundries on her and its been virtually constant over the last week or so. She just can't help dysregulating at me for the last week week or so (including disassociating) and I won't accept being treated like that.

I think she was just waiting for any excuse to end it because she convinced herself that I would eventually dump her anyway after exposing all her bad behaviours. The thing is... . I already know about her bad behaviours and was handling them in my own way.

This just sucks... .

[emotionaholic]

Mr Mom

Your subject says she left you for a petty reason.  I have come to understand that what is petty to us is major to a pwBPD.  It is like they are a gigantic open wound and we are a bag of salt.  Over time we become the source of pain and the main trigger.

Good for you for setting boundaries and sticking to them.  Exposing someones poor behavior is invalidating though.  I know we want them to see that they are being rude, immature, self centered, cruel, the list goes on but really their actions are reactions to pain, fear, and lack of balance.  The inability to regulate their emotions.  I have been in your shoes.

I do think the thing about boundaries is that you need to start small and only one at a time.  I make the mistake of the first boundary being a big one involving one of her biggest triggers.  It did not go over so well.  I like you got a very calm reaction from her, which I would have almost preferred a rage, I'm used to those.  I haven't heard from her in 2 weeks.  But I know she loves me and I hope when she sorts out her emotions she will get back in contact.

Give it time and when she does contact you I would not argue whether you called her a bhit or not but validate the hurt it caused her.

[Mr Mom...]

I think you're right. The reason she ended the relationship was just a convenient excuse for her. The gaping wound (for her) was her chronic dysregulation over the past week or so, probably caused by several factors (stress from running the business on her own, stress from having her (very dysfunctional) mother in town, stress from seeing me becoming more independent, stress from me continually putting boundaries on her. Stress because it's her birthday this weekend. I think she just felt inadequate around me and convinced herself that I would have left her anyway, and she needed to put an end to the inevitable. The bhit word was just a convenient excuse to do that.

I still can't believe that this will be a permanent thing. We had been discussing the possibility of living together and eventually having a child, she even said she wants 2 children.

Her behaviour has been gradually improving over the last 6 months or so, no more rages, no more outbursts and ignoring me for weeks at a time. So what went wrong so suddenly? Why the sudden 180° turn? Maybe she was just holding it all back and now the flood gates have burst open? Maybe was was seeing/talking to a therapist or councillor and/ or on meds and she stopped?

I don't know... . I just want it to work out. It's her 33rd birthday tomorrow, we were supposed to go out to dinner to her favourite restaurant tonight. I feel terrible that that's not going to happen now. Feel very sad for her... . she has to be hurting real bad inside... . very sad... .

[emotionaholic]

I don't think I will ever be able to understand why in their times of emotional support they discard the one person who stands by them.

I think that when everything starts getting them down and they get "dysregulated", I love that word, they want to be in control but since they can not control certain things, work stress, approaching holidays, family, they turn their control on us.  Throw in difficulty with interpersonal relationships and we become the evil one.  Since they can not get rid of the things out of their control they get rid of us.  The added stresses of a relationship are their last straw and something has to go.  I also think that they require a greater amount of time to sort out their emotions and they can not do it with us around, because we are the source of pain.

You say you had been making plans to move in together.  Your gf coming from a very dysfunctional mother may be bringing up unresolved childhood trauma.  The though of being a family with you is probably touching that trauma as though she is reliving it.  I know my gf came from a very broken family.  We went looking a engagement rings once and a week later I was dumped.  I proposed and two weeks later dumped again, both trips we took as a family with the kids, she has one and I have one, she ended it again.  I think the thought of being a family brings such a fear that there will be a repeat of her childhood that she can not take it.  Forgetting the fact that I am stable, solid, loving, faithful, and a good father.  This can not be right families hurt each other right.

Id be willing to bet that once her mom leaves and and her father and stepmother return things will get back to normal.  It is very sad to see someone you love so much destroying something you know they hold so dear.

[Mr Mom...]

Wow, Emotionaholic, very powerfully words that ring so true! I agree with you 100%. They tend to throw away the very thing that means the most, her closest ally and her biggest and, frankly, her best and only supporter. I love and care for her very dearly and  I know that she sincerely loves and cares for me too. There is no one else, including her friends and family that will stick by her, support and understand her on a long term basis.

Control... . is the very heart of her... . she has to have it. Can't survive without it. To her, it is essential.

Maybe she felt that, with all the stress she's under she was losing control.

In any event, I would be surprised if this really was the end of us. I am fairly sure that at some point she'll find an excuse to contact me and see If I'll 'crumble' and come running back to her and her controlling demands where she can blame me for it all and expect an apology. I have been warned about this... . (I have an excellent therapist who is very experienced with pwBPD) and although I am missing her dearly and just want to get back to being a loving and caring couple, we have to do it on mutual terms, not her terms. She has to see and understand her behaviour, she has to accept it for what it was. I don't expect or want, or need an apology from her. But she has to accept 50% of the responsibility for it... . (side note: HAHA... . good luck with that!)

Very sad indeed... . she is a wonderful person, affectionate, loving, appreciative, independent, humorous.

I'm torn apart about it... .

[connect]

Yep - I can relate to this too -sorry you are dealing with it.

She does sound as though the external pressures have become a bit overwhelming for her. When in this state I think they can sometimes see the r/s as an additional source of stress (think someone else said that too) Mine does similar things. He says when he is like this he cannot think about anyone else's feelings except his own as his own feelings become all consuming. Are you after an apology from her? She may take a while to get there if she is overwhelmed. You dont sound as though you want to break up with her. Would you be prepared to contact her if she didnt expect an apology from you? I noticed you said you think she wants that. Horrible limbo feeling when this sort of stand off is going on isnt it?

[Mr Mom...]

Hi Connect,

No... . I'm not looking for an apology.

She's very stubborn and probably wouldn't apologise anyway.

And no... . I don't want to break up with her. I made a conscious decision in the early days of our relationship to accept her including her faults, knowing that it could be a tough thing to have to deal with at times. And believe me, it has been... . at times. It has also been wonderful... . at times... . when we 'connect' (no pun intended) life is great... . it could be just sitting in front of the TV, holding hands. Or sitting in a dark room, lit only by candle light, in silence watching the view of the sea from the balcony together... . or dancing in the night-club on a cruise ship vacation together... .

Anyway... . back to today... .

The psychology behind this, as I see it, and as far as I know, is as follows (in a nutshell);

We are together for 3 years.

Things get progressively worse with her mood swings and raging.

I start to enforce boundaries on her and she hates it, but respects it also, she begins to treat me better.

She starts to improve her behavior, slowly but surely over the last 6 months... . no more rages at me. I think (suspect) she is on meds and/or seeing a councillor/therapist.

She starts talking about having children together.

I start coming around to the idea and for this and several other reasons, I give up smoking.

I start to exercise more, doing my own thing, Yoga, Hiking, Windsurfing etc... .

I still love her and she still loves me.

She starts to get more stressed, especially over the last week or so, running the family business on her own, it's her birthday tomorrow, her (nasty and belittling) Mother is in town.

So she takes out her stress on me all week in various ways (insults, controlling, etc... . )

I enforce boundaries on her.

She hates me for doing this and convinces herself that as I can now see her chronic bad behavior and mood swings, that I am bound to leave her.

She finds any excuse to end the relationship before I do, hence "I called her a bhit" and she wont accept anyone calling her that, so it's my fault... .

Now that it's my fault, she doesn't need to look at her own behavior, because she hasn't done anything wrong.(in her eyes).

Who knows what the next step is?

Now that its all my fault and she has empowered herself by dumping me, she feels more grown up and justified... . ?

Until she realises that I'm not around anymore to sleep next to her, to hug her and understand her feelings, to laugh with her and make silly jokes with her, to take her out on surprise dinners and tell her I love her... . :'(

I'm welling up here... . getting all teary... .

Who knows whats gonna happen.

I know what I want to happen... .

[Mr Mom...]

And the games begin... .

It's 9:50pm and  she just sent me a message: "Hi".

I replied " Hello"

After a couple of minutes she sends "was just saying hi"

What kind of a mind-f##k is that?

It's like she wants to torment me... . or maybe this is her way of sizing up my attitude towards her?... . am I responsive or resentful? Maybe she's dipping her toes in the water to check the temperature... . or maybe she just wants to screw with my head... .

AAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Not reading anything into this for fear of getting hurt even more.

But it's so frustrating... .

[connect]

Hi,

Yep - mine broke up with me for a while and also send a "test" text out to me. It threw me off balance TOTALLY. I had been going through the mill emotionally. We texted back and forth a few times, very neutral and friendly. Silence for 2 days and then I thought "sod this, sod these games" as I didnt know where I stood. I knew he had dumped me when HORRIBLY dissociated. Like your situation mine was very stressed externally (his mother thought he was having a breakdown - he was a stranger to me in looks and attitude - cold, unemotional when dumping me, all over the place emotionally otherwise, cutting ALL close people out of his life etc) I knew this wasnt the person who I had been going out with so to speak. Anyway, I decided to go to see him. I texted him a few days after his test texts to see if he would be prepared for a cup of tea. He was and we got back together that evening. He acted as though nothing had happened when I met him. I had decided before this meeting that I wanted him back but I wasnt expecting anything and was ready to let the r/s go if that was what he REALLY wanted when he calmed down. In all we were broken up for 13 days - he sent the test text out on day 10. Like you I felt it copuld have been a "toying, tormenting me" text as it was just a friendly hello, a chat about films etc and to tell me I had stuff at his house (that bit freaked me as didnt know whether to interpret this as a get your stuff out of my house type of thing... . ). But in hindsight he was reaching out to me in some form. Maybe she doesnt even know how she feels (likely with BPD) but it is a reach out.

For me personally I wasnt prepared to be dumped by a dissociated version of my b/f - I wanted to speak to him when he was calmer. If the calm version dumped me then I would have accepted it. I was sick of the limbo and what felt like a game playing stand off. I went to see him with the intention of telling him what I felt which I did. I said I do not want this break up and I love him. I didnt expect a response - I wanted to say this to him and let go of the outcome. I didnt go into the details of what he had said or the reasons as in my heart I knew what was going on. I didnt refer to them as the reasons were just a means to an end for him to give himself space from me when he was in this state. But just to warn you. Mine had a very different view of the days we were broken up. I was a mess - he was unemotional and recovering from his dissociation so I wasnt in his head in this time in the way he was consuming me. He was concentrating on himself and getting back to normal (doing housework, cutting the lawn, eating properly, getting work back on track, all things to help him regulate again) He claims he wasnt thinking of me at all - just himself. But later I found he had been making videos to show me in this time and also talking to his child about when I would be back... . so somewhere he was thinking about me deep down.

From an outside persepective your situation seems like you say, a "petty" thing to fall out about. Mine also grabbed hold of something I had done as the "excuse" so he could temporarily lose the r/s to concentrate on his own stuff and his recovery. He didnt look like the bad guy - I did. Part of the disorder I feel.

I do hope that you can work things out. If as you say you want to be with her "accepting" how she is then this behaviour is also part of that in one form. Could you extend an olive branch to her? When she has settled down you could maybe discuss these issues with her then. It just seems a shame to have a stand off over something this. The rudeness she has been exhibiting was the lead up to an episode for her. I know this is a boundary for you but could it be more of a time out boundary rather than a break up one perhaps? Sorry if I am riding roughshod over your boundary here - it just seems that it could be a "patch" rather then a r/s end from the outside and you obviousley do love her.

[Mr Mom...]

I think there's probably a lot of truth in what you said. Maybe she needed a time out from the relationship.

Dissociation can be a common thing for her, she has done it a good few times before(sometimes quite badly) and even a few days prior to her breaking up with me she was disassociating. She does this when she's under extreme stress ( for her).

I'm sorry, I'm just a little lost for words right now. Last night we were supposed to go out to dinner together and today is her birthday. And I won't have the  opportunity to spend any time with her.

I'll write some more a bit  later.

[connect]

 

[Pou]

From my personal experience.  A real bhit hates it when someone call her one.  I have female friends who are extremely confident and know they are not one, so the term bhit never bothers them.  It is like if someone calls me an a-hole, I would not be mad, rather I would think and reflect if something I did deserves such a distinction.  Some one with PD would not think rationally and will react without boundary and make your life extremely miserable.   I know, I am living through it.  Consider yourself lucky if you can end this with minimal collateral damages.  I was so in love with my NPD-w and for years I had a blinder on until she constantly threaten me and eventually did about calling police just because I voice out my point of view.  My NPD-w will see everything I do are wrong and on too she will go as far as making things up to attack me and my family.  Many times I wonder if she is also hearing voices.  There are times she would be alone and burst out talking to herself.  Not sure if this PD related.  But I heard that PD usually is only part of the problem.  But I do think PD is an extremely frightening condition to the NONs and life devastating.  I think you should get out and move on, she broke up, that is good... . let her think she is in charge and change your emails, phone and address.  Dont mess with fire.   I wish I had discovered this board and understood about PD before I got married. Good luck.

[emotionaholic]

I'm with connect on this one.  I think, even though they "break up", that in their minds they are taking a break.  They don't necessarily understand the words that they say at the time.  I choose my words carefully so as to be as clear as I can.  I also can look at all sides of a situations and weigh out the pros and cons while "regulating" my emotions so as to give the most concise response based on facts logic and true feelings.  Sorting out emotions, realizing that responding with one emotion like anger may not be a true reflection of the other emotions also in play is something pwBPD can not do.  When they feel anger they feel anger and have knee jerk reactions.  They lack the inability to look at the consequences of their reactions, because at the time their anger is all consuming.  They cannot feel anger and love at the same time.  I am angry at you right now but I love you and my anger will sooth itself out in a while so I will not react with my anger right now because it may hurt you is not how it works for them.  I know in the dozen or so breakups, some lasting a couple of days some lasting weeks or up to a month, that I have been through my gf only considers one or two of them breakups.  If only she can understand that when she says "I f__ing hate you we are over forever" that is what I hear and take that as truth.

I would be willing to bet that her text was her way of reaching out to you but that she is still sorting out her emotions and not quite ready to return to the relationship, but letting you know that she is not done.

[Mr Mom...]

Here we go... .

Today is her birthday and, on the advise of my T, I sent her a brief text to say happy birthday. This was done so as not to give her any ammunition in the future, i.e. "you never even remembered my birthday, you didn't even say happy birthday to me" type thing. So around lunchtime, I sent her a simple " happy birthday, hope you have a good day"'. She responds with "thanx. I'm having an OK day. U?" So I replied as simple and as brief as I could with "Okay". She  then sends to me; " you wanna talk sometime?"

Now, my T and  I have briefly discussed this situation and he says I have  to be careful not to jump back into this relationship too quickly and keenly, as much as he knows I want to. she has to feel the pain of loss and she has to accept responsibility for her behaviour. Also she has to learn that I'm not going to go running back to her like a puppy, otherwise she'll get the message that it's ok to dump me every time she gets angry.

I honestly feel quite sorry that she messed things up, she has to be having a terrible birthday and that's not a good thing, but as like with a 6 year old, she has to learn that temper tantrums and uncontrolled outbursts are not the way we deal with life's issues.

I really do love her and care deeply for her and all I really want is to get back together with her, but I firmly believe that it has to be done in such a way that she understands the repercussions of her behaviour. Other wise it's just not going to get any better.

[Mr Mom...]

So I responded to my (ex) g/f that I needed some time to think about whether we were going to talk. A day later, I sent her a message that read "ok, I've had time to process my thoughts and  I'm ready to talk whenever you are. Let me know when you're ready and we can arrange a time" she responded with: "K". ! And that was it! I haven't heard from her since, and this was 36 hrs ago!

What the h###?

Is this some kind of sick game to her?

[emotionaholic]

Its not a sick game it is control.  I think they get off on control to compensate for their utter lack of it.  Sorry you are going through this.  Personally I hate text as a way of communication.  I think it takes away true communication and enables people to not face things.

[Rose Tiger]

Don't lose focus of the original delimma.  You went to her place and she refused to speak to you.  What was up with that?

[MaybeSo]

There is a lot of reactionary behavior on your part.

There is a lot of personalizing and blame.

Get centered and go through the tools for staying again, if you plan to stay.

We don't enforce boundaries on someone; boundaries are for you, not her.

It takes two to game play, you are an active participant... . you let her know you weren't sure if you would talk with her and let her sweat it out... . ,she is simply pinging back to your pong. You are both participating in game playing. Ping pong.

Sending birthday messages to prevent XYZ... . this is an attempt to control the uncontrollable on your part. You both have control issues.

We all say and do things we aren't proud of when we are dysregulated ourselves; referring

to a loved on in a disparaging manner happens, though it's still not "ok" and it's not helpful

long term. Apologize and move on.

These relationship are complex and require at least one person to keep growing up... .