I finally called 911

[toomanyeggshells]

UBPDbf and I had a graduation party at our house for my D23 Saturday.  He had been very anxious about it because my x-H and his family were attending.  To make a long story short, at the end of party after uBPDbf had been drinking all day, he started yelling about me wanting to have sex with my x-H.  Thank god nobody was still there to hear it. 

I ignored it and started cleaning up and then he grabbed me by the hair and pushed me.  I got away from him and then he did it again but pushed me out the front door and locked it behind me.  At first I went into the backyard and started cleaning up from the party, hoping he'd unlock the door.  Every few minutes for 1/2 hour I went from front door to back door, back and forth, banging on the door and yelling (not too loud because I didn't want the neighbors coming outside) for him to let me in.  This wasn't the first time he locked me out. 

Finally, I was about lay down on a lounge chair in my backyard and try to fall asleep when I thought to myself ... . what the hell am I doing?  I tried each door one more time and then sat on the front step and called 911.  A few minutes later 2 cops showed up and banged on the door and got uBPDbf to come outside. 

I didn't file a complaint against him (because I'm an idiot) but I went inside (while the cops were there) to get some stuff and left for the night. 

Now its Monday morning and I'm still living with him.  I have barely spoken to him since then although he is, of course, apologetic and doesn't understand why I'm still upset. 

This was a huge step for me to call 911 and I'm very glad I did.  At least now he knows I'll actually do it, since I've threatened before.  Will it make a difference?  I'm sure not.  But the bigger question is ... . why am I still there?  Really, what the hell is wrong with me    I really don't love him any more and can barely stand the sight of him.  I guess I'm still posting on Staying because I'm delusional, thinking that things can change, but he'll never change because he won't get help. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Steph]

 Sounds like a classic case of codependancy.

So really... . why are you still there?

Think about that... . what are you getting out of this relationship?

[toomanyeggshells]

Honestly, I'm getting NOTHING out of this r/s - not companionship, not love, not support, nothing.

I've been telling myself I'm still there because of the $30,000 I paid so we could buy the house we live in (he contributed no money to the initial purchase).  I tell myself that if we were renting an apartment (no financial commitment like a mortgage), I'd be long gone and I honestly feel that way.  The fact that I put so much money into that house and now I'm going to have to walk away from it (and watch it go into foreclosure because he won't agree to sell and he won't leave) makes me feel physically sick.

I know whats more important - my mental and physical health.  The money and house are secondary.  Its just me needing to get up the guts to walk away.

[harmony1]

Toomany

I wanted you to know that I have been where you are.  I, too, put the money on the house, living in a dv relationship and it took much courage and posting to get the courage to leave.

I went thru my own counseling, it may be free in your area, call your local branch.  I remember the courage it took to even admit.

I want you to know that with therapy, I did finally get the courage to leave, have been out for over two years now. He still contacts me wondering why we can't be friends (even tho I blocked him from every avenue,but refuse to give up my email so he texted to that)

Things can get better. For me, I had to decide that nothing material was worth my life.  It takes time.  Please make sure you are safe and know that people do understand.

Harmony  

[toomanyeggshells]

Thanks harmony1 for your support.  I know counseling would help me.  I've looked into it a few times but never took the step to make an appointment. 

I happen to work for an attorney and he sort of knows the situation.  We are both owners and both on the mortgage.  If I do leave, I'll probably have to go to court to force him to list the house for sale because he's so stubborn he won't do it voluntarily.  Ugh 

[motherof1yearold]

It is sad that the only reason he *may* not repeat the abusive behavior again is because fear of repercussions  - when it should be because he respects you, and knows it is wrong.

Glad you worked up the strength to call. I know I would never call on my ex because he would 'punish' me one way or another .