She blamed me for everything that was wrong

[willtimeheal]

I know the feeling. She blamed me for everything that was wrong in our relationship and continues too.

She will tell me she waited and waited for me for years to tell my family about our relationship... . we are both female. I was waiting to see if she would ever get sober. She said she she was tired of waiting but never once did she acknowledge that she had nothing to offer me since she was drunk all the time. There was  never a day she wasn't drinking. From the moment she got home from.work she would crack a beer and continue drinking till she passed out. We couldn't go anywhere because I never knew what she was going to do when she was drunk. And the kids needed to be taken care of. I definitely played a role role and decided I needed to get help.  So I did but I never saw her running off with a guy while we were still together. I understand about making plans. My ex never wanted to do anything. I would suggest things and she would sleep or say I just want to be home. But then she would complain we never did anything.

It's a double edged sword... . they are never happy.

I miss my ex terribly and she text me last week saying she can't let go of us and that is is not happy and doesn't love this new guy. I don't know what is going to happen.

It's important to remember you didn't do anything. Don't blame yourself. BPDs are very good at making you feel guilty and like you are at fault. They are good at distorting facts and reality. They are never happy.

You need to take care of yourself and focus on you and your well being. You can get through this.  

[briefcase]

You need to take care of yourself and focus on you and your well being. You can get through this.  

For me, this was the most important, and hardest, lesson to learn.  

The whirlwind of these relationships can leave us feeling pretty shattered.  I know after 15 years of marriage, I felt shattered at a pretty core level.  

Eventually the whirlwind ends, one way or another, and we're left to try to make sense of what happened and pick up the pieces of our lives.  Examining and processing what happened is a big part of taking care of yourself, and its not easy work.

It usually starts by examining the role and behaviors of the person with BPD.  What we see is often not very pretty.  We recognize abuse, addicitions, the double standards, etc.  It feels unfair and we can start to see ourselves as victims and we feel a lot of anger.  I know I did.  Eventually, the anger gets processed and we're able to look at our own (very different) role in the relationship with clearer vision, but it takes some time.  

Some things that helped me take care of myself in the early days were simple things, like exercising, eating right, making sure I got sleep, talking to friends and family, and doing things I enjoyed.  These basics also help us rebuild some strength.  Are you doing these things as you work through this?

[clover528]

willtimeheal,

I understand being blamed. All roads led back t othe fact that I left and never came home. No mention of his drug problem, rages,threats (while is was very sick,  injured and pregnant). it was my fault he got deeper into drugs. My fault he cheated and gave me an std while pregnant. My fault he lost his job. my fault his home was in foreclosure ( it was in foreclosure for over a year prior to him calling me or us even talking again)... . and the list goes on. he says he waited for years for me to come home. The entire time i was faithful to him and he swore he was as well. I found out he had no less than 8 other women during our r/s. When I finally said no more was when he had disappeared after telling me his kids were very sick. He didnt reply or answer my calls. I decided to drive out to check on them. he had no vehicle then. I was greeted by a cold arrogant man and a vehicle in the driveway. When he rushed out the door and wouldnt allow me in I knew he was with another woman. It turns out to be the same one who is currently living with him. that was an ouch. He had just told me we could work things out that morning and that he loved me. He told me to go home and left me standing outside his door crying and confused.

In essence, I understand how bad it hurts when they discard us and move on like nothing ever existed for us and them. I am sorry for your pain. And yes, you need to take care of you.

[danley]

It's important to remember you didn't do anything. Don't blame yourself. BPDs are very good at making you feel guilty and like you are at fault. They are good at distorting facts and reality. They are never happy.

You need to take care of yourself and focus on you and your well being. You can get through this.  

Seems true. Never happy. Never appreciate what good they have. Wanting more and tire quickly when the rush of validation isn't enough to soothe their ego. They find something negative in positive things. Glass is half empty and never half full. And no matter how much you try to convince them otherwise they find it hard to trust and their negative self fulfilling prophesied thoughts control them. They need to make their demise a reality for some reason. They want to vomit their fears and blame onto you. Dont want to hold onto any sense of failure or unhappiness with themselves. Manipulate you to see them as victim and twist words to confuse you into a daze. They dont want anything to do with their rubbished thoughts and feelings. They want to toss it at you like a game of hot potatoe. Take care of yourself before they try to take you down with them during their slip into darkness.

[willtimeheal]

I received a text five days ago from my ex saying she wants me. That I haunt her and own her. That she is not happy and she want  me not her new dude. Problem is ... . this is the same line she has been feeding me for the last three months. I have finally in my mind... . although it took me a while to get here... . That she is never going to tell him. That these texts every week or so is just a way to soothe her ego and a way for her to see if I am still hooked to her. She has had plenty of chances to tell him she doesn't want to be with him. and if she wanted to be behave would have told him and she would be with me. So it is time to do this for me. I get it know... . She isn't going to tell him or choose. Why should she?  I will make her decision for her. I choose me for me. I choose to move on with my life.

[MarkMo]

I was going to post my own thread but I saw this one and it was exactly what I wanted to talk about.

My wife moved out and in with another man. I won't get into the specifics but Im hurting and crying every day over it even though I know she has a problem.

In the beginning she said it was because I was too angry, even though our only fights for months were of her going out 4 nights a week, and then it was that she had to see that I changed, and now that I have become the person I was before marriage and more, its well I don't believe that you will stay that way.

I only say all that because over the past few days she has backed that up with saying she can never go back to the way it was with me, the way it was for 5 1/2 years with me. I was the most horrible husband and that I sexually, physically and mentally abused her and she can never go back to that. She was horrified when I said that I filed for an extreme mental cruelty divorce because SHE was the one that has been through so much. I was responsible for everything bad in he last 5 years. It has gotten so bad that I think she is starting to believe all this stuff and I'm sure her consoling, enabling, clueless bf does not help. He has NO idea.

I started writing everything down and I am 10 pages in and not past the the first 2 years of marriage. I actually just got off the phone with her and she hates the person I have become,(good way). She hates that who I am now, wasn't me the last 4 years because I am the one that has caused all of her pain. I mentioned one thing that she did and she got angry and started blaming me for that too claiming that I was making excuses. I kept my calm because that's just not me anymore and that made her angrier.

She says how much happier she is because she is not part of a relationship with all the pain. Basically, me getting tired of the constant lies and finally calling her out. Now she has someone that just cares for her and listens and she can bad mouth me to without him every really finding out the truth about me or her past. Oh well

[briefcase]

So it is time to do this for me. I get it know... . She isn't going to tell him or choose. Why should she?  I will make her decision for her. I choose me for me. I choose to move on with my life.

  That's right, you get to call the shots in your own life, not her.  She's had plenty of opportunity to act on those texts to you.  Actions really do speak louder then words.  It's up to you to decide how long the ship waits at the dock for her to get on board . . . before it sails. 

[willtimeheal]

Markmo

Don't drive yourself crazy looking for an apology or looking for her to.accept responsibility. if it helps to write everything down then do it but do it for you. When I started therapy and I started to get better and see things  more clearly that is when my ex BPD put her back up plan in motion. She thought I was going to leave so she found someone else to fill my place. Funny thing is I wasn't going anywhere. I was.more willing to move forward and live my life for me. I got rid of my baggage. But she already executed her plan. So I get messages every now and then saying how much she wants me but she won't tell the guy she is with she doesn't want him. It hurts letting go but she has no intention of telling him. I am being strung along. I deserve better and I finally see that. But it is beyond painful letting go.

[MarkMo]

Well that is what she was trying to do too. She was playing both of us for awhile to see if she could have her cake and eat it too and if one failed then the she would just go back or stay with the other. He caught her and she chose that life. I will move on eventually. Its going to be a long road though.

[willtimeheal]

It is a long road.  The first couple of weeks were brutal for me.  At one point I thought I was going to have a nervous break down.  I did go to the doctors and get medication to help me.  My mind is now starting to slow down and not constantly think about her and wonder is she thinking about me, what is she doing, is she with him.  Luckily for me I have great friends who support me and just want me to be happy and they listen to me ramble and cry and they never say, Enough already.  Yesterday, I finally came to the realization that she is never going to tell him how she feels about him and that she loves someone else.  She has opportunity after opportunity to tell him and she hasn't.  Breifcase said it... . Actions speak louder than words.  And that is something I wish I had paid more attention to when we were together.  But I will take the lesson and move forward.  One day at a time and there are days I will slide backwards and those are the days I will cut myself some slack.  It is a long road.  Hang in there!

[MarkMo]

WilltimeHeal,

   I completely understand that. What is hard is that we have kids. So what would just be a divorce is going to turn into a custody battle and dealing with her for the rest of my life. That is even harder than knowing that she will be with multiple guys instead of me.

She won't tell him anything because she is "happy". I didn't want to say it to her face but of course she is happy. She doesn't have the kids and she has a guy that supports her in everything she has to say because he has no clue. He has no clue that the majority of what she is telling him is a lie.

She is starting to believe her own lies now because he is so there for her and enabling her lies. She acts likes she hates my guts and is trying to hurt me because she now truly blames me for everything.

Having a yes man is not going to make a normal person happy but that is what she needs. Ill have to just deal for myself and the kids until something is in place.

[willtimeheal]

My ex BPD has three kids. On  is older and we didn't see  him much but the younger ones I spent a lot of time with and they were my family. One of the hardest parts of the break up is not being able to see the kids. After all they are not mine. I miss them. I was a huge part of their lives and  they were a huge part of mine. When my BPD walked away from me... . I not only lost her but I lost my kids too. That hurts more than anything. I miss just going for ice cream with them or playing ball outside with them.  I wonder too if they miss me. It makes this whole ordeal quite unbearable at times.

[MarkMo]

Willtimeheal,

    I am very sorry that you had to go through that and you are struggling. The is the first time other than a vacation that my kids or my wife have not been around. It is the worst. She has an almost complete family at night right now with her bf and I am sitting here in an empty house.

    I have never been so alone. I have never really had time to myself and if I did have a few hours I still new that my family would be back soon. Now, all I can do is wait till they are brought back to me. It truly stinks. I know how you must feel and I am very sorry for that. I don't know if my kids are missing me while their Mom and bf play with them or spend time with them.

    What I do know is that there Mom will do everything for them once the bf comes home to look like a great Mom to him so that he gets the show. He will never know about the nights where she just went into our room to watch tv or told me to just handle the kids. He will never know about any of it. He will get only the good stuff.

    Thats why I am fighting for custody so that my kids are well taken care of and not just for show. She does love her children so I know that she will let no harm come to them but she is an average Mom most of the time. I am not saying that I am the worlds best Dad. Certainly lately, its been really tough to be a great Dad with all the emotions that I have had to deal with, but I have been trying.

    In this respect, I just wish she would come home. Who knows, she may see her bf with her kids and know that its not me and she will miss me. I know she is very sick though and needs help for all of us.

Being alone stinks especially when you have an entire family that can't be with you.

Things will get better because you will have a family of your own one day and while you will still miss the children you had gotten to love, you will love your own that much more.

[papawapa]

MarkMo,

In time he will see the other side of her too. She will revert to doing all the things she did with you,

[willtimeheal]

Markmo,

I agree. She can only keep up the "show" for so long. What's important  is that your kids love you and know that you are a good dad.  Your kids know how important they are  to you and how you have always been there and that will make all of the difference. I cringe when I think of someone else tucking them in at night but it is no longer my place and I have accepted that... . what else can I do. The quite and emptiness is very difficult. But as everyone on the board says with time it does get easier. Some days are  worse than others. Keep fighting for them and don't ever give up. Kids need stability   

[willtimeheal]

So I got a text last night saying how tired and unhappy she is. That she has been working just horrible hours and summer has not been fun.  That I didn't appreciate that fact that she was going to stay here and not travel this summer. I was like, ah... . You left me and had a guy move in with you.  She said obviously she made some poor decisions. That led her to digging up the past and blaming me for everything once again.  I told her I had no desire to revisit the past.  That it does no good.  I told her that the one thing i do know is that as more time passes and she does.not tell that guy how she truly feels then she won't and I am not waiting for it to happen. If she hasn't done it by now then she won't. I want to be happy and I will not sit around waiting for her to choose. She has made it clear that she doesn't want to. So I have chosen for her. I choose me.