New here

[Surviving]

Hello - I am 49 and have a BPD mom.  I was an only child.  My mother had me as a single mom in the early 60's.  My dad that I have today, married her when I was about nine months old.  He worked out of town most of my life, and so I spent a lot of time without him in our household.  Those were the worst times.

My life has been a living hell in terms of my relationship with her. She has manipulated me, lied to me, and tried to destroy me all my life.  Then at the same time professes to love me and pretends like the things she has done have never happened.  Most days of my life she told me she hated me and wished I was never born.  I was ugly and stupid.  In actuality, I was a good student and I now teach at a university.

I have moved away from her and have my own family.  Still, she seeps into my life on a daily or regular basis, continuing to ruin things, relationships, and destroy my confidence.  As my parents are aging, her inability to follow directions - she has BPD, OCD and Oppositional Defiance Disorder - are now affecting my father's health.  She will not give him his medications correctly and he cannot do it on his own.

She guilts me into feeling sorry for her.  I am the worst child in the world to her - yet I cannot walk away.  

I see a counselor about my feelings of hopelessness but nothing is working.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Surviving



Please don't lose hope. We're here to walk with you, guide you and pull you up when you can no longer do it yourself.   People come here in crisis, having lived through a lot of pain, like you. Many of them find relief here and a new way forward.

How's your contact with her?

If you're comfortable, do you think you could give us a little more detail of how she seeps into your life now?

There's a lot of material, tools and workshops on this website, made by experts in the field. We'll help you find what you need. Here's a link to a really good book: Surviving a Borderline Parent

And another link I though of when reading your post was this one: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Keep posting - there are things that you can do to make your life better! We're here for you

[heartandwhole]

 

Hi Surviving,

I'd like to join Scarlet Phoenix in welcoming you to the site.  I'm so sorry that you have gone through so much with your mother, that is very painful.  I can understand your feelings of hopelessness, I would feel the same.  You have found a great place for support, and we have lots of tools that can help you feel better, and even help your relationship with your mom.

Keep posting, it helps.  We are here to support you. 

heartandwhole

[Surviving]

My parents have made and lost their life savings twice.  My husband and I sacrificed our savings for them just after we were married. They left the state we lived in and said if we did not move into their home and make the payment they would lose everything.  We could not afford the home.  It took years to recover our credit after being late on our bills to make their house payment. I forgave them.

They move back to our state after we rode out the bad economy and successfully sold their home.  They bought a small business.  My mother begged for help again.  We invested in the business by building, literally on to the business.  Upon completion of the structures, my mother became angry the day we were visiting to celebrate my son's birthday.  She threw his cake on the ground and told us to get off her property, the business property.  We never got any return on our investment.  They still have it. I forgave them.

We moved far away - states away.

The business... . My mother is 10 years younger than my father.  He is failing in health.  My mother has retired and it is the first time in decades that they have been together all day - every day.  My father ran the business wonderfully.  He has started having health problems and my mom has had to assist him.  She is running the business into the ground.  She screams at customers and has other issues.

This summer my college age traveled to assist them because my father would call and cry, literally.  My son now realizes that my mom has not been giving him his medication as directed. When I questioned what was going on, she told me it is her right to give it to him how she sees fit.  The bottom line is she doesn't follow through on her own meds or his. 

My mother was stopped by a state trooper for running a red light.  He ended up ordering a psych eval and had her license revoked because she became so irate and for what she said to him.  She went to a nurse practitioner and passed her psych eval.  They took her off her Xanax because she said it made her groggy.  That's why she ran the light.  They have no idea what she actually said to the Trooper but I do and she wasn't groggy.  She bragged about what she said proudly.  She also quit taking her OCD meds because "the world needs to deal with her" as she says.

So now my parents have their business for sale, but my mom is ruining it.  My son has witnessed her extreme rudeness and anger with customers on a daily basis. 

Today... . Today my mom called me at 3:30AM her time to tell me she isn't going to follow the neurologist's request and let him analyze my dad's recent blood work.  My dad is seeing a neurologist because he has almost no short term memory.  The neurologist told me that my dad does not have alzheimers, dementia, or stroke.  He believes there is something else going on with his medications and interaction combined with depression and sleep deprivation.  My mom told me she is calling another doctor and telling them to reduce one of my dad's meds.  I asked her to let the neurologist do the job.  She started screaming at me saying why didn't I love her like I loved my dad.  Then the same hurtful words started vomiting from her mouth into the phone.  My parents are going to lose their business and their money in the process.  I am going to be left letting them live with us.  She spends the money they have now on cheap things every day.   

My mom has told me from the time I could remember that she never wanted me, I am ugly, and she wished I were dead.  She has told my dad she couldn't wait for the day he died and she had his life insurance.  Years of this.  But she acts like she never said it a day later.  And she told me today that my dad hates me too.   

[Surviving]

Hello Moderators - I posted my intro in the intro portion of this forum as instructed.  What did I do wrong to get it moved out of that forum?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hello Moderators - I posted my intro in the intro portion of this forum as instructed.  What did I do wrong to get it moved out of that forum?

You did nothing wrong 

It's just that sometimes they move posts from the introduction board to a main board, so that the member (you) will get more accurate replies from people in the same situation as yourself

[Scarlet Phoenix]

And also, I can see it must be very stressful and hard for you, the way your relationship is with your mother   I'm so sorry.

The boundaries-link I posted earlier is really helpful to help us navigate these relationships. Another valuable tool is validation. It helps us have a calmer communication with our loved ones with BPD: Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

[ScarletOlive]

Hi Surviving,

Just wanted to jump in and join the welcoming party! Glad you're here, but sorry things have been so rough for you lately. The manipulations regarding paying for her house and building on the business are really intense.

There is a great deal of information here. The more you can educate yourself about BPD, the more you can heal and learn how to communicate effectively. I would highly recommend you look into our articles that talk about boundaries. They are so helpful with figuring out what you want, how much are you comfortable with, and the ability to say no. BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Are you in counseling? How much contact do you have with your mother now? It is tough to move past the guilt but it is also possible. As an adult, you have the awesome ability to make your own choices, and you aren't bound to obey her. Keep posting and sharing. I know you'll fit here. Sending you lots of caring and support.