Hi Fay,
Pessio gave you sound feedback there.
I would like to add to it another perspective. ok, if my dd is 'attacking me' I expect of myself that I will listen to the intent behind the words. I'll try an eg... .
dd: You never listen to me!
me: I understand that would frustrating, I am trying to listen now.
in that simple eg, I identified the emotion she is feeling as frustration. I did not respond to her accusation, that is not what is important.
The difficult is when she says something that hurts me. This is where I really call on my other skills. This is when I need to identify my own emotional needs - eg I am hurt because I feel guilty (maybe) or maybe she triggers in me a response when in the past someone has hurt me and what she says or does takes me back to that. Eg
dd: You have abused me all my life!
me: You have felt terrible hurt when you think about your childhood. I am sorry you have felt such pain. I would like to talk about it with you when you are ready, with your T perhaps.
See that would trigger me enormously and probably make me cry. I would need to say to myself, that is a hurtful thing, but I am not the person with the mental illness, I can take care of my hurt. My dd needs me to be here for her.
The thing when we feel hurt is 1) to identify our own emotional need and 2) to learn how to meet our own emotional needs. If we can learn to do this, it will bring us to a sense of 'detachment', not separation from our pw BPD, but we can detach from our own emotional involvement, meet our own emotional needs and show ourselves compassion. It also means we can learn to let go of our ego, not expect others to meet our emotional needs.
Validation is a tool to help us communicate better with our loved ones, esp those with BPD. It is a tool that leads us to mindfulness, to being in the present, being fully committed to the other person. And it can also help us with our own concerns, when we reflect on ourselves.
This is a link to an excellent video that lasts about 51 mins. I highly recommend it:
Understanding Validation in Families - Alan E. Fruzzetti, PhD any help?
Vivek