Me not her

[Perfidy]

     It's way over. Even if she is the last person in earth I will not be that lonely. I will live alone for the rest of my life if I never have to be in a sick relationship again.

      The fallout is unbearable. The anxiety and depression. I have had maybe two days in more than four months where I have experienced natural endorphins. I was happy for a few hours.

     I want to be rid of the memories and the emotional pain. I am suffering unhealthily and I want it to end. How do I destroy my memories of a seven or eight year relationship? I have removed and blocked social media. No contact period. No photos and eliminated reminders. I have dated. I have distanced myself. I have started exercising but not regularly. I have got drunk a few times. What else is there? I have avoided most of the unhealthy behaviors. No drugs I don't use drugs. Little alcohol. Tried just waiting it out. Did not rebound into another relationship. What else is there?

    I am usually a happy guy. I have a lot to be thankful for and I feel like I am a whole person because I depend on myself and no one else for my day to day life. I am a good person and I want to feel good.

     I have the shame and guilt for staying as long as I did. I wanted it to end almost as soon as it began. I could see that there were SERIOUS issues from the git go. I told her in no uncertain term to leave and don't come back. She just dug her hooks in like a tick. I wanted to call the cops and have her removed but then didn't want the drama. If she wanted to stay that much then she must REALLY love me. HA! RIGHT! What a joke.

    My self respect is gone. All of my good feelings have been replaced by crappy ones. WHY? I was the responsible one in the relationship. She contributed zero. I provided everything.

   It's about me now and she will never be a part of my life again. I want to feel better.

[Inside]

…I’ve little to add… (but may take awhile) just happen to be one of the first to read this post.  Damn – We’ve all been there... .   Seems like 16 – 8 – or ‘only’ 2.5 years like me,  and we eventually end up as you’ve described.  …I also know how hard we try to be strong – and we must.  But in the battered states we’re in, having accepted such egregious behavior …behavior that’s so sapped us of our self esteem, monetary resources and life energy – there ain’t much left!  I feel your pain…

And, yours is the most common question I’ve noticed around here – not only how to move on – but just plain survive.  They’ve drained you – and made you feel it’s your fault.  Know it’s not!  That’s perhaps the best advice I can give – know it’s not your fault.  But they’re sick, and we love/ ed them…  We gave them all we had – and ‘this’ is how we end up... ?  Just don’t …and it ain’t easy… blame her…  She’s like every another organism on this planet, seeking to survive.  But her disabilities became yours, and you, just as we all – have paid a heavy price.

There’s lots of advice and reasons for ‘us’ having fallen for and allowed ourselves to be taken down by such behavior…  Learning all I can about it has helped me …cause   we’re not perfect either -- and had better be able to glean some useful information from these hellatious adventures with regard to ‘improving ourselves.’  Just beware of those wanting to ‘blame you’ too much …that doesn’t help.  ‘We’ may in some way be predisposed to linking with or accepting such behavior, but for the most part – we’re too good and giving people to bash ourselves.

And honestly, I don’t know what works to rid ourselves of this trauma.  Just stay in the fight of life – it can’t get any worse!

Personally, I’m in some weird wavering place of quazi-electronic contact with mine.  She knows what “I (have determined beyond the shadow of a doubt) think is her problem (BPD).”  Now it’s up to ‘us’ to determine how we detach.  ‘They,’ “pw (people with) BPD” (in my eyes and from all I’ve read) will not heal... .   They can’t, it’s a hardwiring problem too deep to repair.  But, we can heal.  So if you’re bitter, remember, no matter how she spins her life from here – it will ALWAYS remain …messed up.  Not that we want endless ugliness and hardship for them, but that’s where it always appears to end up. 

You can heal.  …what’s worked best for me is looking at life as ‘greedily’ as they do.  What a switch – looking out only for yourself!  Not that you’ll begin to use others the way you’ve been used, but to make every decision based on ‘what you want.’  That’s not been easy for me, I’m a caregiver – but a caregiver that’s hit Rock Bottom!  And – it appears to be a process…  That tick’s toxic juices will take awhile for your system to cleanse.  Stager through if you must, let others see you’re down … folks with real empathy - friends, family and coworkers who really do love and care about you.  And open your eyes to every possibility … I see them – and there’s no reason we need be trapped for life in this hell-hole!  Get angry, stupid, giddy, down …and all around…  Find yourself – what helped me was listing to music and triggering memories of how much I loved life before I met ‘her.’  Take yourself back to there – and know you’ll never make this mistake again!  …if nothing else, know you’re not alone.  Read – and post around here.  I stumble onto wisdom I couldn’t afford every visit!  And of course, listen to others around here …it hardly seems there’s a bit if difference between someone with 10 posts - or a thousand.  These are some exceptional people – and you’re one of them!  You’ve a place to go – and the rest of your life to get there …make it so

[Perfidy]

Thank you for your encouragement inside. I have worn all my family and close friends out with this. I am almost out if resources. A couple of my old"friends" disowned me. But that's ok because they were toxic themselves. I NEED support right now. Not apathy.

    The day may come where I will be able to support another who is enduring the utter desolation that I feel now.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Perfidy:

A few helpful hints:

1)  You are a valiant knight fighting a thick, foul, joy-sucking fog.  If you stay still, it will choke you.  If you flail and flounder as you are doing now, in time it will dissipate and you will breathe again.

2)  Such deep pain is a result  of the death of a cherished dream:  a dream of happiness ever after.  A dream may be an abstraction, a figment of the mind and imagination as compared to a flesh and blood entity.  It is still a powerful, tangible force.  When it dies a tortured, gut wrenching death, it evokes grief.

You are in mourning.  Your dream deserves appropriate mourning.  Let it have its due.

3)  The aftermath of a terrible experience cannot be managed effectively on one's own.  Do not hesitate to engage the services of a counselor, specifically a grief counselor. 

4)  Focus on consciously creating good experiences for yourself.  The process will seem artificial and contrived in the beginning.  The only way to dissipate the worst of the aftershock is to start piling up good experiences on top of it.  As in,  "Good $@#t gets rid of the bad $#@t". 

To do this, you will have to perform conscious exercises like:  When you make a cup of coffee, deliberately and consciously ask yourself,  "Which cup do I like"... . answer the question, then use that cup.  Ask,  ":)o I want strong coffee today or light?".  Answer it and then accomplish it.  Then ask,  ":)o I want to sit by the window looking out to drink it or do I want to sit at the table while I read the Sunday comics."  Answer the question and follow it.

When you step out in the morning, stop and look up at the sky.  Consciously and deliberately feel its immensity, feel the warmth of the sun on your skin, feel the breeze move through your hair.  Tell yourself that it is the universe caressing your cheek.

These are mental exercises.  This type of internal dialogue will become natural with practise.  This results in what is called,  "mindfulness",   "being in the present",  'living the moment".

Follow this exercise with every little and big task you undertake in a day... . from selecting which shirt to wear to which shoe to put on first to what temperature of the shower to what shampoo you like... . etc. etc.

At the end of the day, while in bed, go over all the things you did FOR YOURSELF and relive the feeling that you did it FOR YOURSELF.

What you are doing is that you are taking an ordinary day with its ordinary routine stuff and changing it into extraordinary and magical.  Surrounding the aura of ordinariness with a golden magical halo.

In order to heal, a psyche does not work well with extreme stimuli like alcohol or drugs or promiscuity... . the psyche works the best when small pleasurable sensations are piled over and over until a nest is made and the psyche can be cradled securely in it.

Be an artist of your own minute, hour, day, week, month, year, decade... . a lifetime. 

Healing cannot be chased.  It can only be seduced.

[Perfidy]

That is an idealistic goal for me... . I am not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel right now. The grief I understand. The death of the monster that was "us". I should by all rights be overjoyed that it has ended. It was horrible and I was willing to stick it out and wait for it to change... . Well it did change... It got worse. She wouldn't allow it to end when I wanted it to. She kept hanging on and finally after I was used for all I was worth to her she simply started another relationship and didn't even bother to tell me about it for months! Seriously? We're talking about an adult here? I keep asking people... Could you do that to your significant other? Act out a charade to them? Keep a poker face lie going on for an extended period of time? To me it was ultimate betrayal... . Perfidy. Understanding myself and my feelings is my goal. Healing myself and getting well... No more depression and anxiety. No more suicidal thoughts.

     I only wish I was there with that inner peace that you describe. I am not the type to have self destructive thoughts. Before I met her I loved myself and I knew it. I loved myself so I thought I could love another. I was happy. I wanted to share that.

     

     

[WXYZ]

... . start piling up good experiences on top of it.  As in,  "Good $@#t gets rid of the bad $#@t"... .  

Highly recommended - that's what I did and it works a treat.

Go, go, go !

[Inside]

I know what you mean about wearing out your friends…  She and I met through a group of mutual friends, so first - who do they “believe?”  Not you – cuz nobody could be that messed up …and she’s so cute, friendly and loving (while teasing the guys and kissing up to their wives)... .  So, ‘our friends’ figure I must really be pissed off to even accuse her of something as ‘crazy’ as BPD.  Though I’ve only described what I’ve gone through to three close ones …word spreads.

…and family…  Yup, they’re tired of it too …cuz around them she was peaches & cream! …though could hardly stand to be touched or looked at by me when we were staying with them.  So messed up…  Family listens, and keeps their eyes open for ‘someone else,’ but what I’ve found is they don’t want to hear it anymore, especially after a few ‘recycles.’  It seems few people believed me, or feel there’s anything more they can add.  I’ve got a Sister who’s the best, she digs right in and trusts me totally.  That’s nice, but about it.

…oh, I’ve got some daughters who, though ‘just now’ adults, always side with me, and what to hear the crazy details … then freakout if I’m found to be in any contact with ‘her.’  Co-workers have long told me to ‘move on.’  Only one seemed to give it more thought, and decided, “I’d rather see you miserable with her than without.”  So I took his advice   But the back & fourth hardly seems ‘an answer.’  And, I was never (cause she’d always hunt me down) away from her long enough between recycles to have felt clear of the loss and want.  

Seems we’re all at different stages.  I’ve felt the calm sweet feelings of freedom while enjoying life on my own, and ultimately, that’s where we’d all like to be, at least clear of BPDs.  But you are still at that hurting stage and place, and don’t know or feel if you can get beyond it.  I also know well the desire to just give up …to stop the pain.  But, as difficult as it can be, force myself to remember those glimpses of freedom, then ‘pretend’ that’s still out there for me on a full-time basis.  And if I can’t sustain that feeling …I’ll let the depression wash over me…  I figure it’s all part of a healing process that has to happen – just ride it out.  As mentioned, it can’t get any worse!  ‘This is down’ – and heck, life often seems to throw in a few more ugly things while you’re there – it has me.  …and if all life turns out to be is the small semblance of joy you get from some tiny part of it …that joy becomes your starting place, what you seek, all you expect or wait for through an otherwise difficult day.  Hone your discipline and you will be rewarded.  

And keep posting – Hey – I even found you ‘over here!’ – in the leaving section.  Again, you’ve lots of company, each dealing with much of the same, in there own ways and at various stages of recovery.  I’ve not sought therapy, at least professionally.  But I see no reason you shouldn’t.  I’ve got medical coverage that covers it, maybe you don’t.  But if you’re willing and in need of professional assistance – ask around here for advice.  Let’s not let BPD take us down, too!  Fight it, like our one-time lovers can’t.  Thing is, you’ll win…  …and sorry to say, they’re doomed…  

[Perfidy]

Inside you got it. My last year and a half have been some of the worst times of my life. I have been dealing with a string of tragedies, of which , losing the most screwed up relationship in my life was only one. At the risk of boring you... Four of my close family perished. My place burned to the ground. I relocated 1600 miles. When people have hardship they turn to the ones that are closest to them. I turned to my mate of eight years and was betrayed. She told me that she had been seeing someone else for months on the day that I told her my place had burned down. I was in shock. It took me a full day to process this before I could even cry. Is that emotional irresponsibility?

[Clearmind]

Core wounds may still need some attention! Where does this shame and guilt come from?

We tend to hit rock bottom and strip ourselves bare when these relationships end. All our usual defences, facade, mask we have hid behind is now exposed. You may feel very vulnerable and open to fault finding - to rebuild ourselves we need to find our reasons for getting into this relationship.

Our partners tend to remind us/re-ignite in us a deeper wound that has been there a long time - well before your ex came along.