De-programming your BPD ex's criticism and control?

[DeRetour]

Was your BPD ex highly critical of you? Did your ex try to control you to the point of even how you responded to them? If so, how are you dealing with it? And what are some successful ways of getting rid of that voice of criticism to function normally again?

My ex-GF (uBPD) had a real knack for criticizing me about, what felt like almost anything. Some things were predictable. I knew that I had to choose my battles selectively. If I showed any sign of being upset, she’d look deeply into my eyes, probe me, and I’d either have to tell her I was “okay” and convince her for the next 5 minutes, OR, I had to just tell her what I was upset about. And if it was about her, it could pretty much be guaranteed that she’d escalate it into a “fight”, then withdraw, sulk, become unavailable, and threaten to leave or cancel our next outing because I made her "depressed". Even more difficult than this, however, was how unpredictable her criticism could be. I felt as though I were dealing with a loose cannon. It’s been about a week since our breakup, and I find her voice coming up (in my mind) in so many situations.

Here are a couple of examples of things she’s said:

1) If I looked remotely upset about something (ie., not smiling joyfully after she’s told me that she’s going to spend Saturday night with her friends, without me) – her response: “Are you okay? (probing look into my eyes) Because you got, I don’t know…a little…WEIRD. It’s like your upset with me. Are you?” etc.

2) We often did cooking projects together. She was actually a good cook. But this was where I could also land myself in trouble. If, for instance, I did something like chop the onions up the wrong way or mix the spices in the wrong bowl – her response: “WHAT are you doing? That’s not what I told you. I needed you to focus and you weren’t even listening to me. Does this make sense?” She’d then sulk and decide the whole project was “ruined”. Oh, then the whole day could be ruined in her mind.

3) Sometimes, it felt like she'd just fabricate things. Once (again in the kitchen), she decided to start cleaning off a shelf. She'd been actively helping out with organizing as a gesture of getting ready to move in with me soon. I told her it really wasn't necessary. She smiled and insisted. Then... . 5 minutes later. "Later this week, I want you to clean out those cabinets, okay? C'mon I need you to take more initiative. I don't want to have to tell you. This is your place. Take care of it." BTW, it wasn't like it was really all that dirty. But... . this escalated into a rant. Before I knew it, she was upset. I wasn't smiling, but wasn't saying anything either. She then escalated this into an argument (or "fight" as she'd call it) and criticize how I looked in response to her words. She'd then threaten to not move in if I couldn't take this criticism. Etc.

She’d admit to being highly critical later in the day and somehow get out of it with a sob story about how “everyone gives up on [her]” or �

[DeRetour]

sorry, it looks like the rest of my post got cut short!

Does any of this sound familiar? How are you dealing with it after the relationship? I don’t want to be stuck with this voice. I do want to be able to find a nice, healthy life partner again... I hope. And not have that voice of criticism preventing me from just being me. :/

Thanks for any advice or sharing of experiences.

[Eric1]

YES. YES AND YES.

Mine would push me out the kitchen if i wasn't preparing the food the way she wanted me, too. If i didn't clean the kitchen to her standards after cooking, she would rage.

She's also called for me to go into the Bathroom after i had a shower & stood, waving a finger in my face, telling me off because i left water drops on the floor. She would get v.angry and it would pretty much ruin the night.

I always got - "You can't do anything right"

[DeRetour]

Hey Eric1,

Ah. Thanks for sharing your experience. Wow, sorry to hear about your situation. Sounds like you've had to deal with something very similar. Did you feel like you had to control how you responded to her criticism? Because I certainly felt I had to control myself down to my most subtle facial expressions. And were there situations where you just couldn't predict when she'd get mad?

It's been a week for me, and now that I've had time to really begin to process this stuff, I'm seeing just how much I allowed. How did I allow this? I really wanted this to work. We talked about long-term plans and she knows I really wanted a life partner. And then, haha... some of it was, I hated to think of what she'd do if she did leave. That's not a good sign there either - I didn't feel I could fully trust her based on catching her on a few secrets and lies early on. But yes, there was always that looming threat of her going on "break" again.

How are you dealing with this now that you're at this stage?

[mitchell16]

yes mine was always, but at diffrent times it was on the sly or she would say I just misunderstood what she meant. Of course, One again in was my fault. BUt to give you some examples.

Your not washing the dish right.

you didnt fold the towels the right way.

started poking fun at my weight, I work out twice a week. people always tell me how goo in shape i look. I weight 175 pounds, size 32 waist. She was serious about it but when i said something back she said I was only kidding. but she wasnt.

I can hear you chew your food. This was funny becasue for two years she never mentioned it to one nightwe were out with a freind of her from and her boyfriend, her friends corrected her boyfriends eating habits, with in a week or so she was correcting my eating habits. First time I ever heard in my life the that I had poor eating habits.

Starting correcting my use of the english language.

would praise any man in a 100 yard radius for any small thing they did for her. Example when she moved, I moved like 3 loads of her stuff by myself, carried it all down stairs, unloaded it, stacked in garage. used my vehicle gas. Some of thes boxes weighed 40 to 60 pounds. A friends husband was over and he vacumed her floor while we all did the hard labor. She walked up in front of everyone and said I need a man like that. Everyone just kind looked at her shocked she said that. and she wasnt joking.

I had been in the military, she said I might have found you more interesting if you had killed someone. OMG

got mad cause I hadnt washed her car and when I explained I didnt have a key to it and that she was driving it at that time. She said you have an excuse for everything dont you.

our mutal friend is somewhat of a comedian. She accused me of not laughing when he told jokes and said I didnt look like I was having good time. When I said that wasnt true she would start arguing,then would say I just love to argue.

the same friend made a joke at her expense it was funny. She laughed, the friend laughed, his wife laughed. I laughed and she turned to me with the most wicked look in her eyes and said that last guy I dated that laughed at me, I dont date him anymore, so you better stop.

when she broke up with me once. I tried to text her to talk about it. She refused my calls, said she was done with me and didnt want to do this anymore. I waited a few days sent her an email. No reponse. tried a week later, still she wouldnt talk to me. I then continued on with my life. When we did get back togther and later she gets mad one night and said that I just wanted the break up. When I said i didnt that i tried to talk it over with her. She said that wasnt true. When I refreshed her memory about all the attempts I had made she said well you did try hard enough if you had wanted me back you would have tried harder.

the list can go on and on. But it does kill your self esteem. For such a long time I felt bad about myself because of things just like that above. she blamed me and I blamed me. I felt like I couldnt never do anything right. I have a somewhat slight over the top when I do something. I always try to do my best and most of the time im successful in whatever I set out to do. so all this was a self esteem killer.

[hardhabit2break]

I am also learning to break away from the habit of living under a critical BPD. My BPD H would:

Tell me what topics i was and wasn't allowed to talk about; ie, not my job or day at work, not my friends, or anything else he didn't care about (if it wasn't important to him, then he didn't care if it my important to me)

Never respect my opinion.  It was always his way or the highway.  Still like that

Tell me I was only fun around other people... . well, I wonder why? (Sarcasm)

Say that I could talk for an hour on the phone with my female friends but didn't have anything to talk to him about. And that was my fault. At least my friends didn't set boundaries on what we could talk about

Constantly make sex a huge topic, even when he got plenty of it, it wasn't enough, wasn't at the right time, the right way, and telling me I didn't seem like I cared about it.  Sex has always been a huge control of his.  To top it all off, though I have known for years he had excessively looked at porn online, in May i discovered deviant online sexual behavior and betrayal and AN ONGOING AFFAIR

Criticizing me if I made a plan with a friend.  Which I rarely did because I knew it would upset him

Said I cared more about everything but him. He was on the bottom of my list

Never validated my feelings. Always knocked them

Criticized me in a joking fashion, but meanly, then would say "you can't take a joke"

He ran the show. Now I am divorcing him. I have made decisions now and his reaction and feelings have nothing to do with my decisions. But the habit of living that way still makes me play out all that in my head.  Guess what he says to me now?  I don't know who you are anymore.  No, he doesn't. He has never met this me. I have never met this me.  As my name says, this is a hard habit to break but I am trying every day. There is a new found freedom and I see little glimpses of it. And when I finally can get to a better place and heal I know I will be happy again and enjoy that freedom... . for myself and my children. Be well everyone!

[DeRetour]

Hardhabit2break,

Wow. What you've described sounds like, pardon me for saying so, but... . a dictator. Oh, I am definitely familiar with the whole, "This is how you're supposed to respond to my criticism". You aren't alone there. I hated that I felt as though I had to control my responses down to my facial expressions. "Are you okay?" was usually her first probing question. I'm so sorry to hear that you've dealt with this kind of control! Hugs!

While our significant others are probably quite different from one another, your examples of control and criticism that you dealt with sound so familiar:

Tell me what topics i was and wasn't allowed to talk about; ie, not my job or day at work, not my friends, or anything else he didn't care about

Oh yes, sure I could tell her a few things about my day at work or friends, but... . she was really good at getting out of talking about things she didn't want to talk about. She was obsessed with what she called wasting time ("C'mon, we've already wasted half an hour talking about this!". I'd felt as though I had to work against the threat of: emotional withdrawal, ridicule, blame for wasting time. If all else failed, she had no trouble falling asleep (I mean loud and snoring, ) within two minutes.

Constantly make sex a huge topic, even when he got plenty of it, it wasn't enough,... .

Sex was a major issue for her, and therefore our relationship. The chemistry felt strong between us. She was very responsive, sometimes even aggressive. I liked this. But, sometimes, she'd creep me out. Things would get intense, and she'd start to get what sounded like anger in her voice - far from the sweet, affectionate girlfriend that kept me around.

I'm so sorry that you had the betrayal that you had. To the very end, my ex swore that she was loyal to me, that she never cheated. However, over the course of our relationship, which was really only a year, she was caught in a few lies: 1) After a few weeks of dating, we promised exclusivity. She wasn't yet ready for a relationship. A few weeks after that, she went out to a late dinner with her co-workers and I discovered that she had been flirting with the bartender. How did I know? I knew that she looked at "missed connections" ads and had this feeling in my gut. And there it was. I confronted her, she confessed, turned it around and put me on the defensive. We made up, she promised she was being immature and would never do something like that again. Besides, she realized I was the "love of her life". haha.

2) Two months into our relationship, it was my birthday. She had made elaborate plans for me. So far the day was beautiful. Before our dinner reservations, I had to go run an errand. She wanted to stay behind and rest. She texted me to get an estimate of how long it would be (again, she hated waiting), and when I got back she was in the bathroom and my laptop was open in the living room. I discovered a porn site and... . ah, a webcam site. I calmed my voice, "Sweetie? What is this?" She got quiet, tears began to stream over her hands covering her cheeks. She confessed. Explained that this was something she did to "pass the time" and that it's just an old habit. She swore I was enough and that she'd cancel her account. I also knew that she had some body image issues and I did what I could to help her know how beautiful I found her. She told me it started with her last boyfriend - he began to only have sex maybe once a week with her, and it was generally "vanilla" (never liked that term, btw). Honestly, I feared that if I weren't giving her sex at least once a day, she'd wander off! Even with this, she wanted to control how long I could discuss this with her. I was expected to just verbally resolve it with her that night and take her at her word. If I couldn't, there was always the threat of, "Maybe I should just go home."

Ahh. So sorry that was long. I wanted to be concise with this, but it's so emotionally loaded, still. My point here is to show just how much she needed to control things down to how I responded, even after she had obviously done something hurtful. It's really been a relief to not have to deal with this kind of anxiety - I realize that I was never given a proper moment to process these hurtful things to our relationship and truly rebuild the trust. The threat was always, "Maybe you should re-evaluate our relationship... ".

Hardhabit2break, I'm so sorry to hear that you dealt with this combination of control, lies and his infidelity. It's a good thing you know that this is really unacceptable in a partner. It sounds like you're taking some steps to move forward - the divorce, processing what happened, etc. Good for you. Question: What are you doing to get rid of the inhibitions that come from all of this controlling behavior?

Thanks again for sharing your situation and reading this post. Extra hugs!

[laelle]

Try getting demeaned because you cut their pineapple the wrong way.

[DeRetour]

Laelle,

Hi.

Try getting demeaned because you cut their pineapple the wrong way.

And thanks, but no thanks. I'm so sorry that you endured this kind of treatment. I got a lot of criticism in the kitchen. Sometimes, she'd later apologize for being so "harsh," explaining that her mom often chewed her out for any mess she made in the kitchen that happened while cooking. My thought is - okay, so now that you've acknowledged this, what are you going to do to change it?

But, as you can see, even now, I find myself trying to fix or make sense out of this. And what I keep reading is that BPD is an illness, and people with BPD don't have the full capability to handle this kind of disagreement rationally (even seemingly minor things like how something should be cut or chopped).

Now the challenge is getting rid of all this negativity!

[laelle]

For me the negativity lessened in time.  It has been 4 and a half months for me, and I do not try to make sense of it anymore.  It is what it is.

I accept the way my ex was and why he was that way... .   I can not live that way.  Like any relationship, they work or they dont.  That our ex partners are sick makes that harder to accept.  I had to really just sit in my own despair and hurt all that I needed to hurt.  Some days will be better than others.  Slowly the good days outweigh the bad.

The deprogramming comes as you rebuild your life and your self esteem.  Ok, so what happened sucked, but now you get to break down that old foundation and build a new and better one.  One with a mote and a drawbridge.  One that has archers on the ready, and a 1000 man army.  What you want to become is up to you.

You have the freedom to create that... . Focus on you and what you what.

[Perfidy]

Interestingly enough, if you ask them YOU were the control freak. My ex exhibited the whole "not good enough" routine. Criticized everything about my housekeeping and called me "slovenly". I was by no means ocd about housekeeping but far from slovenly. But now that she was living with me all that was going to change. She used the term "house mouse". she wanted to be my house mouse. a way to justify her not working and THAT was how she took over my home. It was now "her" home.

    I saw all of this coming. I told her I had always taken care of my self and that I didn't need her to do it for me. She just went even more over the top. She ended up with all my passwords and soon she was even taking care of my finances. I began referring to her as my "personal assistant". She had complete control.

[DeRetour]

Perfidy,

Hi. The way you described your ex moving in and taking over... . wow. This must have been overwhelming for you, yes? How is it for you now?

And yes, btw, I am definitely familiar with being considered the one who has more of the control issues. I just don't get it. Oh well. It's so hard to know when to stop ruminating over this, isn't it? I shudder to think about what my ex would have tried to control once she moved in. You see, we broke up right before she was about to move in. I know she was becoming highly critical of how I kept the apartment. And like you, I was far from being slovenly. But, if you listened to her, you'd think I was living like some 19-year old frat boy. She'd mention something, go on a diatribe about how I needed to take more initiative in keeping my place clean if I expected her to move in with me. I remember last tax season, she seemed to really get on me about filing my taxes on time. Still, as harsh as it could be, I often felt loved and cared for when she nagged. But then there would be the moodswings that came with the nagging - mood swings, general discouragement and the looming threat that she'd "just go home" if she was upset enough.

I don't know if anyone can relate to this, but sometimes I'd feel guilty for resenting my GF's nagging. Sometimes, as demeaning as it could feel at the time, I'd tell myself, "Wouldn't you rather have a partner to nag you than not?" I'd almost get teary-eyed at the thought of spurning her expressions of caring for me. Anyone else have any feelings of guilt along these lines?

[hardhabit2break]

Since I have decided to end the marriage to my BPD H, I am breaking the old habit of living under someone else's control. It will be a long process.  Right now I am still so immersed in the emotional pain of what has happened since it has only been about two and a half month since I learned of his betrayal. Up until that time I was actually "happy" or maybe content is the word I should use. I had adjusted my behavior for so long (28 year marriage) that I actually became this person whose automatic response to everything was "how will this effect my H?"  I had learned that my happiness was basically gained through his happiness and if I could keep him happy (we all know that's an unobtainable goal), then the rest of the family could be happy. Keeping peace was my job and if there was a salary attached to it I wouldn't be in the financial mess I am in now! I have been in therapy for about 5 years and though it did help me to learn that I couldn't change his behavior but only change mine... . and my reaction to his... I feel a T with more knowledge of BPD would have picked up on these signs and I would have known what I was dealing with long ago.  Now I am searching for a new T and also intend on going to Al Anon (on the suggestion of a coworker who is a T). It took me a long time to change me behavior and it was only a slight change. But I did decide that I wasn't going to allow him to "suck the life out of me" anymore and that I was a happy person, whether he wanted to be or not. Since about 2010 to 2012 he was really on a downward spiral which came to a head with severe depression last summer. I told him then that he needed help (as I had in the past but he only sought out T once on his own and claims after 5 sessions the T told him he didn't need to come back) and that I wasn't going to react to him anymore by defending myself and explaining myself. He was angry, so angry. But soon after admitted that his general practitioner had dx him with depression a month earlier. Within a few weeks he was on anti-depressant meds.  What a change. He was happy! I was happy! More happier for him than i was for myself.  It has always been harder for me to see him suffer than it was for me to be hurt by him.  How crazy does that sound. I would let him blame me for things just so he didn't have to hurt. I could take it, give me your pain, I will carry the burden, I am strong!  What the meds seem to have done is allowed him to jump full on into extreme behavior without caring about the outcome, ie "what will happen if my wife finds out", or guilt. So what I thought was a good thing, was really a bad thing.  He should not have been given these meds by a GP, he should have been referred to a psychiatrist to be dx, and he should have been monitored over this one year period.  So I fell into a very comfortable place, then BOOM, my world comes crashing down. Now he is HAPPY!  He is DATING his new SO, going out to dinner, movies, ball games, concerts, buying her gifts and spending excessive cash. And refuses to move out. Oh and then he says things like "I'm here if you need me for anything, just call and I will be here" in his manipulative heartfelt manner.  And fool that I am I actually did ask him for something, to feed and let out the dog this Saturday, and what is his reply? Ready for this? I can't, I'm going to the city to see a play on Saturday!  I knew I shouldn't have asked, cause it hurts so much still to know that he is living this other life with his new SO.  And truth is he isn't there for me (or our kids, S25, D17) but this is yet another lesson I have to learn the hard way. I know I will find true happiness out there in my future. But it is hard for me to know he is living this euphoric existence and while he is medicated i believe he is euphoric. But I know he cannot feel hurt the way I do.  And he has already justified what he has done to himself... . losing his family is our fault, not his, and his marriage was over long ago. I have to come to so many realizations in all of this, and that is another process. I am trying to live in the moment, not get caught up in the past and the future, make myself my #1 priority, so I can be the mother I want and need to be, and see the good that remains in my life.  I can be me at last! And I like me!  I seem to have rambled on and gotten off topic, but even if I can just put these words down and no one reads them, it still helps. Be well all who are struggling!

[DeRetour]

That's a lot to process, hardhabit2break. I read through your story twice and wow. And from what it sounds like, you've had to really put your personal goals and matters on hold for quite some time. You've held up. Just think of the things you can apply yourself to that you didn't get a chance to do when you were taking care of your BPD h. Hugs!

But it is hard for me to know he is living this euphoric existence and while he is medicated i believe he is euphoric. But I know he cannot feel hurt the way I do.  And he has already justified what he has done to himself... .

This really strikes a chord with me. Even though my relationship had lasted just over a year, I've found myself thinking this way too. I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts and situation, hardhabit2break.

My relationship lasted for only just over a year, but I've found myself thinking this way too. During the first couple of days after we broke up, I found myself looking at her social media postings. She has (or "had" as far as I should be concerned) some really annoying, no, sometimes infuriating habits when it comes to what she posts on Tumblr or Instagram, even. Let's say we had an argument. If she left to head to work upset, it was quite likely she'd be feeling "low" for the rest of the day. She'd then re-post some image on Tumblr - something broody and often add a comment about how sh**ty her day was. This way, by the time she'd get to work, in addition to just looking like she'd been crying for hours, some of her co-workers (as well as friends and followers) could give her all kinds of hugs and pity. This way, they could hear how upsetting I was to her - and she kept us conveniently separate - prevented us from ever getting close with the excuse that they're really her friends, that this is how she and her friends have always done this. So she'd use social media to milk her "low" moods for all she could.

At least as irritating as that was, perhaps even more frustrating was when she re-posted things to show how "empowered" she was to be without my oppression. She'd often re-post images with captions that alluded to "taking a break" or "Someday someone will come into my life and understand me better." I know, she didn't create these postings, but she'd bother to re-post them as though to say, "Yes, this is how I feel." If I dared to ask her, she'd get very defensive and turn it around, calling me ridiculous and paranoid and a fight would often ensue. I generally like to think of myself as kindhearted and patient, but sometimes thoughts of wanting some sort of justice creep up. It's not that I want her to suffer, I just find myself hoping that my uBPD ex-GF will at some point realize how selfish, unreasonable and cruel she had been as a girlfriend. And that's when those ruminating thoughts start to really flood my thinking. "How could she not how much I put into our relationship?" or ":)oes she honestly not have any ability to feel remorse?" or "I hope she thinks good and long about this and how she's been a sh**ty girlfriend." etc. Yes, I find myself thinking like this and I know it's not constructive.

Ah, see? I find myself really going on and on. So much to process. So, generally speaking, how do you move beyond just thinking about wanting "justice" or for our ex to come to some epiphany? Sure, my ex had moments where she'd come back and apologize for being "difficult to get along with," but I find myself thinking she may never come to a point where she realizes: "Wow, I really was ___ty to my ex-BF. I broke his trust and yet he came back to me. I'm so sorry." How do you get rid of this kind of negative thinking?

[hardhabit2break]

DeRetour

I guess you are right; without even knowing it I have put myself on hold. I have been on the bottom of my list (though time and again my BPD H has accused me of putting him there). Now I know that's typical of them. He, too, sought the compassion of others through social media, even before all of this current situation started. Posting on FB, looking for and getting responses from his "friends". Of course these friends were, for the most part,  not even people who were part of our lives. At the beginning of this situation he even changed his status from married to "complicated"! Boy, was that a hard hit for me!  But I see that I am dealing with basically a child.

How do you move past wanting justice or for them to have a wake up call? I really don't know the answer. I am trying to accept that there will never be justice and he very well may never realize what he has lost. Sure, there may be times when he sees what he is missing out on, since there are amazing things that I will experience that he will not play a role in as a true father. I have a grown son (25) and a young adult daughter (17) and they have their whole lives ahead of them. And I will be right there along side them through all the great life moments ahead.  And of course, through the difficult ones too. But even if he sees what he is missing, he won't take the blame himself but rather just feel sorry for himself for what has been done to him!

The negative thinking is still there, of course it is. I just keep trying to accept what I have no control over, and never have had control over.  You know, the serenity prayer;  ... . accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Hopefully I will come out of this wiser and able to trust again (though they will be difficult). And I have my truth behind me, not his! I know what kind of wife, mother, partner and friend I have been and I am have no regrets for how I treated and loved my family; I don't claim to be perfect, nor have I always done the right thing, but I always did it with the best intentions. And for that I can look at myself in the mirror and like who I see.  Be well!

[flatspin]

Sure their words and ways may become swords that run through our hearts.

What helped me is that quite early, I understood that no matter what I did, or tried to do, it was never good enough. So, at some point, I just tried to do my best and let her "bellyache"... . whilst trying to placate her though. I'm not perfect and I willingly accept criticism whenever it's justified. And at times even if it's not justified in my opinion, because I may be unintentionally blind to alternative aspects of a given and shared situation.

When you're treated of being a good-for-nothing man because you use too many exclamation points in your e-mails or for some other trivial reasons, you quickly understand that there's something askew in her reasoning... . I have wounds from childhood but not to the point of believing utter nonsense. Despite being somewhat impervious to the worst of her crushing remarks, I was really saddened because I really tried to do my utmost to please her. The downside of being impervious is that I let her insult me and establish a chronically unhealthy communication pattern among us.

What helped me too is the corollary of what's above. That is, I didn't feel guilty anymore. Sad but not guilty. In the same vein, I read here on this wonderful forum that I would have been perfect, she would have insulted me and denigrated me for being so or would have spinned other reasons so as to hurt me. Knowing this and processing it deep inside made me feel better and eased my recovery.

I was told on this forum : She isn't mad at you because you made a mistake, she's mad at you because she might have for example lost her scarf and as a result, you're the scape goat to her anger.

There are still moments when I remember how she used to react and comment whenever I do or say a given thing but it doesn't hurt anymore. At times, I enjoy the moment when I do things with friends without being laid into and it feels so good !

Her criticism wasn't grounded on your deeds but on erratic and unconscious feelings. Moreover, time is a good healer. Let it take its course !

[DeRetour]

At the beginning of this situation he even changed his status from married to "complicated"! Boy, was that a hard hit for me!  But I see that I am dealing with basically a child.

Hardhabit2break, I’m sorry to hear that you had to put up with that kind of attention-seeking behavior on FB. This also reminds me of something that used to really get under my skin. During the first 6 months of the relationship, my ex kept her FB status as “single”. When I noticed it, I waited a few weeks in hopes that she’d change it. No. Nothing. Finally, I couldn’t wait anymore and decided I needed to bring it up to her. Her response: “Are you SERIOUS? I hope you’re joking, because this is absolutely ridiculous and SHALLOW!” She didn’t want to discuss it over the phone, but insisted on continuing the argument over text – because she was “beyond frustrated with me.” Finally, a couple of weeks later she told me that she’d do it “when [she’s] ready. Maybe in a few weeks. I couldn’t believe it, obviously it was something that was important to me. But her explanation was that “everyone that matters KNOWS about us. C’mon this is really shallow and childish!”

It took breaking up (her decision, btw) and coming to an agreement when we got back together after a couple of weeks. Then she changed her status. To this day, it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I’ve never had a significant other act in any other way, but proud to introduce me to important people in her life.  But this one, she seemed to know just how important it was for me to be claimed, and given the way she was acting in the beginning, I felt the need for extra effort on her part, to say, “Hey, I’m taken. This is my boyfriend.” 

So this is definitely something I have wanted some justice or resolution in. It’s as though I want her to come to some moment of, “Oh... wow! I was really ___ty to my boyfriend. He treated me like a treasure, and has been completely loyal and patient with me, and I was completely selfish and bratty. I should have taken responsibility for my moods. I should have seen that I had a good man and I really f**ked it up.” Etc. And from what is being discussed through all of our shared stories and the published literature on BPD, this is not a realistic thing to hope for. And that’s where the issue of deprogramming the criticism comes into play.  For now I feel the need to process these thoughts and not completely deny them and say, “La la la…I’m okay. Feel better. Keep busy. Don’t think about it.” When the thoughts are still coming up, prompting me to solve them or make sense of them.  And just the same, I want to work on letting these thoughts go so I have room to focus on being okay with myself, as I am. 

And I have my truth behind me, not his! I know what kind of wife, mother, partner and friend I have been and I am have no regrets for how I treated and loved my family; I don't claim to be perfect, nor have I always done the right thing, but I always did it with the best intentions. And for that I can look at myself in the mirror and like who I see.

I like these thoughts. This is a good point – you can be okay with who you’ve been in this relationship. And that’s really the most important thing, starting with loving and accepting yourself.

[DeRetour]

I was told on this forum : She isn't mad at you because you made a mistake, she's mad at you because she might have for example lost her scarf and as a result, you're the scape goat to her anger.

Hey, Flatspin. And wow! Yes, this rings a familiar note to me too - that need for not only conflict, but a scapegoat for said conflict. I'm sorry to hear that you dealt with being scapegoated. Man do I feel for you there.

You know, I don't know about you, but there was just so much anxiety to deal with in this relationship. I don't mean to state or re-state anything that's obvious, it's just that this is how it's occurring to me now. I not only felt that I needed to "walk on eggshells" to discuss anything less than pleasant with my girlfriend, but I had to also anticipate anything that might go wrong - troubleshoot the day, beforehand and in passing. One of our last days together, we went on a hike - something we agreed to do more of as a Saturday daytime activity. I knew she struggled with major body image issues and this was the only way I could support her. (Reminding her of how beautiful I found her, got us frustratingly nowhere.).

Well, I chose a trail. She was excited and when we got there, she wanted to know if there was an incline. Okay, admittedly, I wasn't aware that the incline might have been a challenge. I'll even accept responsibility for that and say it was an oversight. Of course wouldn't have been such an oversight if I didn't feel pressured to work hastily and timely for her, but anyway... . when she saw there was a hill, she went from being happy to be outside together, to being completely discouraged and "low". "We've wasted so much time already now." I tried to explain that I didn't know, but that she was being a little harsh on me. That basically got her angry and she decided the rest of the day was ruined because of this. It took talking for 40 minutes to get her back to being "okay" with me. At which point she apologized for being "difficult to get along with."

This was an example of being let off "easy". And more to the point, here was one of many examples of that scapegoating behavior you mentioned. And now that it's been two weeks, I'm realizing just how much I've had to debrief from being on constant edge about things.

Thanks for the insight, Flatspin, and for sharing your thoughts and situation. It sucks to hear that this is something you or anyone here deals with. And I can be thankful that I haven't dug myself into an even deeper ditch with her. But, it's a struggle. And I'm so thankful we have a place to discuss such things. Okay, thanks again!

[DeRetour]

Oh, and Flatspin,

There's something else I wanted to point out. I appreciate that you mentioned how you're learning that no matter how perfect you would have been for your ex, there would have been another issue thrown your way. This is exactly how I've felt as well. My ex always probed anytime I looked in any way less than happy. Perhaps due to being a male, and some events in my formative years, I still struggle with smile suppression/inhibition. When I think about it, I try and cultivate a smile and an attitude reflective of it. But other moments, I could just be quiet.

I'm wondering, does this sound in any way familiar? I'd often get asked, "Are you okay?" if I wasn't smiling, or if I was just quiet. I'd generally respond with yes, but if something was bothering me, I always wanted to be honest and communicative. So I could either say, "Well, I'm a little bothered by ----." And from there, I'd often find myself pulled right into conflict which would lead to her raising her voice, then BLAMING me for getting into a "fight", OR... . I could just say, "Yes. I'm fine." and she'd probe further. "Are you sure?" Yes. "Okay, I'm dropping it, and we can't talk about anything if it's bothering you, okay?" etc., etc.,

So yes, that's something I wanted to add regarding scapegoating and how our exes could create conflicts out of virtually nothing. Yes, this is definitely something I want to clear out of my system for good. I really don't enjoy emotionally intense arguments that could simply be discussed more maturely and compromised on.

[Xtrange]

DeRetour,

I think many of us are dealing with the same: how to behave normally after the BPD treatment. I am still trying but it's hard because although I do not listen to her voice anymore, I still behave like if I do.

[Emelie Emelie]

Try getting demeaned because you cut their pineapple the wrong way.

Oh Laelle... . you made me laugh!  Not funny but all too funny.  Same deal with mine.  I couldn't talk about issues at work because it "upset him".  Couldn't take about issues with my daughter because "I lose respect for you when I see how you let her walk all over you."  I could go on for pages. 

[duncanville1]

This is a really good thread, from the original post I almost had to ask if he was dating my diagnosed BPD exgf. The point should be made, this on us, the Non's. We are the ones who let someone destroy our lives. In my case I did this dance with my ex over the course of years. She left me, went NC, gave birth to our daughter. She managed to reach out to me once in that 2.5 years with a single text. I begin chasing after her again this year. We were back together long enough for her to get back into her own place, which I helped set up. Now she is back in NC again and trying to terminate my rights to our daughter after she granted them too me a mere month before. No matter how crazy this is, I was a willing participant, hell I even tried to get into it. That says allot about me. In the end, allot of Non's tend to have this enmeshment issue. I see co-dependent traits in my history, none ever like this. Maybe its our personality types that too get us into these relationships. The BPD partner finds a perfect mate to continue the dysfunctional dance. Their emotional and relationship dynamic seems to bring the worst out in ourselves. We must look to ourselves for happiness and change, unfortunately I too am unsure how to find that peace either.

[Emelie Emelie]

I was fantasizing once when I was reading this board.  Wouldn't it be nice to have this really huge beautiful mansion with dozens of bedrooms where we could all go and hang out with each other for a few days whenever we needed to.  We could all be kind to each other and hug each other when we were having a hard time and have a glass of wine and laugh with each other at the absurdity of it all when we were up to it.  Just a safe, loving place for us all to recover?  And of course in my fantasy mansion there would be therapists when we wanted to work on our stuff and massages for when we're just tired and sad.  Somewhere we all felt very safe and very protected and very loved. Too bad I didn't win the Powerball .