How to let go of the anger?

[me757]

24 days NC now and been broken up for 8 months. Feeling way better. I don't miss my ex at all but I still have a lot of anger towards her. How did you all let that part go? I feel like once I can do that, I will be completely free... . finally.

[Sparky2Blame?]

Forgive.

Realize that there is an illness at play. And that not 100% of her errors were totally within her control.  Keep in mind that she most likely never had real intent of hurting someone (you).  And she didn't see, or fully understand, that her actions could do that.

She does/did what she does/did as a coping mechanism.  Most likely a learned behavior from childhood issues.  A subconscious manner of surviving.

Realize that there were two people involved in the relationship.  Accept your responsibility for any issues that have happened.  Learn why you stayed and accepted her behavior.  And then forgive yourself.

Writing an "unsent letter"... . verbalizing your anger could possibly help.  Digging deep and reliving issues one last time.  Then writing words of forgiveness and your reasons for forgiving.  I found some peace can be found in getting things out this way.  I always keep my letters in a box that was out of sight / out of mind in the basement.  But some people burn the writings in symbolism of release and letting go.

I think that for me, the anger has subsided.  But that still doesn't mean that she never crosses my mind.  But I'm ok with that.  And am comfortable that its all part of "my" healing process.

[cska]

Hey me757! Good for you for wanting to let go of anger, in my experience anger and hate impede the healing process because they cause guilt and suffering.

You're right, once you let go of your anger, you will feel free.

I echo Sparky's post. The things she did to you were not out of a desire to hurt you, but rather a byproduct of her mental illness. BPD is a serious psychiatric condition, and you need to realize that. Your ex will most likely be unable to have a healthy relationship, but you will. You have a gift that she does not. And so you should feel empathy towards her because she is an ill person. You should stay away from her, because being around her will cause you pain and misery, but you should feel empathy for her, not anger or hate. pwBPD have a heavy burden to bear, and we can't help them. All we can do is step back, detach, heal, and look at them with empathy and compassion, not anger and hate...

[Clearmind]

Nothing wrong with anger if it catapults us into action to begin taking charge of our own life. 24 days NC is not long.

Use the anger for good! Because the alternative is holding the anger in which is not healthy. Anger is part of the grieiving cycle.

The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

The five stages of grief are:

Denial

This is when we and our partner are on different page about our commitments to the relationship. This stage is filled with disbelief and denial.  

In the Kübler-Ross model, if your partner has died you still expect him to walk through the door.  The equivalent in a relationship breakup is that your partner is drifting away or has broken-up and you still think that he/she doesn't mean it - that it is a ploy or a reaction.  

Often in this stage we are engaged in relationship struggles and are expecting our partner to respond in the way that someone in a relationship would respond. However, they are in a very different, less caring place.  We are confused, hurt, put off by their behavior.

Anger/Resentment -

Anger often the reaction to being hurt and/or fearful, and helpless to do anything about it. The greater the loss, the greater the reaction.

In the Kübler-Ross model, you might feel anger at your deceased partner for dying (Kübler-Ross model).  In the relationship, you may feel anger at your partner for asking for a divorce and breaking up the family. You may feel anger at your friends or family for supporting her and not you. You may be angry for being betrayed.  You may be angery for not being idealized any longer (ego wound).  

Anger is a very complex pat of grieving - many of us stumble in this stage with either unhealthy anger (misdirected, trapping) or no anger (no release). 

We need to determine why we're angry and focus our feeling on the true issues - if not, anger can imprison people.  

Bargaining

You try to negotiate to change the situation.

In the Kübler-Ross model, if you've lost a spouse to death you might bargain with God, "I'll be a better person if you'd just bring him back". In a relationship, you might approach your partner who is asking for the break-up and say "If you'll stay, I'll change".  

Bargaining is that stage of the break-up when you’re trying to make deals and compromises. It’s when you start talking about how an open relationship might be a possibility or a long-distance thing could work. It’s when you say to your partner, “if you just did this then I could do that and it would work”. It’s when you say to yourself that you’ll do x, y, z to be a better spouse so that the relationship doesn’t have to end.

Depression

The is the "it's really over" stage.

After all of the denial and the anger and the bargaining have been done and we realize that things really are starting to end and we become depressed. We fell helpless and powerless and overwhelmed with sadness about the loss that we are experiencing.  We realize the situation isn't going to change. The death or break-up happened and there is nothing to bring the other person back.  Acknowledgment of the situation often brings depression.

Acknowledgment often starts the serious process of us trying to understand what happened.

Acceptance – The "This is what happened" stage.

Acceptance is a final stage when we have finally sorting out what happened, accepted it and are more interested in moving forward than looking back.  

Acceptance can take a lot of time and a lot of processing. It involves understanding the situation, understand our role / understand their role, understanding what can be learned, and letting go / moving forward.  

Note: Each person mourns a loss differently.  You may not experience these stages in one fluid order. You may go through some of the stages more than once. Sometimes during the bargiaining stages we recycle the relationship. Or an event will trigger us to experience one of these stages again - like hearing your ex-partner is to remarry.

[clover528]

thank you for the post. I am in real need of releasing anger myself. forgiveness? it may take me some time.

thank you Clearmind for the information. I truly needed to read this.

[Perfidy]

Empathy is what got us here in the first place. If I had no empathy I would be as happy and healthy as I was before I met the sick individual. My compassion allowed me to let this person close to me. I fell ass over tea kettle for the whole wounded bird thing and this is my shame and guilt combined with the devaluation from her is a double whammy. Hell... . Less than a month ago I didn't even have knowledge of this disorder and now I'm almost sorry that I do because of the transferring nature. Like if you let it into your mind you propagate it. Concentrate on the self healing instead of the horrible behavior and social sickness.

[recoil]

Realize anger is natural.  Feel it.  Let it out (go to the gym, swing a baseball bat at your mattress, throw eggs, break stuff).

I went through that phase.  It passes.

[Surnia]

Hi me757

The good thing about anger: It provides us with energy. Perhaps you can use this energy for some changes.

Maybe for things you wanted to do for a while. A project? Exercising?

Or just a bit rearranging your apartment?

And for some of us not easy: Accepting that we are angry. It took me a while. 

[Shall1989]

Empathy is what got us here in the first place. If I had no empathy I would be as happy and healthy as I was before I met the sick individual. My compassion allowed me to let this person close to me. I fell ass over tea kettle for the whole wounded bird thing and this is my shame and guilt combined with the devaluation from her is a double whammy. Hell... . Less than a month ago I didn't even have knowledge of this disorder and now I'm almost sorry that I do because of the transferring nature. Like if you let it into your mind you propagate it. Concentrate on the self healing instead of the horrible behavior and social sickness.

This is exactly how I feel right now. If I let myself feel sorry for my BPD ex boyfriend, it just upsets me more. I feel like a failure for not staying to help him, even though I know he cannot be helped when he isn't willing to even acknowledge he has serious problems.

I'm finding it very difficult to find closure because he didn't take any responsibility for how much he has damaged me and that he was the reason our relationship broke down - although he wants to push this blame onto me.

My therapist has described me as on the neurotic end of the personality scale,meaning I absorb the blame and guilt and try to see how I affected each situation personally and negatively. This is what my ex thrived on and it has seriously depressed me.

I feel a hugely confusing cocktail of emotions right now.

I don't know if I even know how to express these but I think it's anger, hurt, rejection, frustration, injustice... . I could go on for ages.

It frustrates me more that my friends can't really understand how I'm feeling as all they have it to compare to is a break up with somebody normal! Yes all break ups are hard, but this is much bigger than that.

It's more than the breakdown of a relationship as it also includes feelings of failure towards caring for them and 'giving up' on them as 'everyone else always has'.

I once said to my BPD ex - 'if you do the same actions you reap the same results, you feel like you are constantly abandoned by people but its because they have had enough of you and how you treat them. You do the same in every relationship and that's why people will always leave you.'

But of course, he is the tragic victim and never does anything wrong.

Feel like I have banged my head against a brick wall for so long and now I've stopped I'm left with a huge headache that no aspirin could cure.