Interesting month with child enmeshed with BPD mom

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

We had our month's summer visitation with DSD, who seems to be quite enmeshed with BM.  It was interesting how she changed over the course of the month (sadly, she will probably change back now that she is back with BM).

First, she and DSS12 were hating each other while they were at BPD mom's house--he apparently was telling her that he hated her every day.  She was blogging that he was a "narcissistic beast" and "child of Satan".  The first week she still seemed extreme in her descriptions of him (e.g. he wanted to light a candle, and that made him an "arsonist".  BUT for the rest of the time, they did not seem nearly as hateful towards one another.

The first two weeks she was pretty negative.  Found something to complain about 24/7.  The other kids were calling her on it.  My DSD said that at one point, because we did not get her 2 month summer dance classes (last year we did, and she only went the month we had her so we wasted 50%), DSD was telling BM that she thought we "should pay" for dance classes (not her) since she didn't get to go to camp this summer.  Um... . the camp she was complaining about happened in the month she was with BPD mom.  I just thought it interesting because apparently, she and BPD mom DO talk about what we should pay for, etc.  

The third and half of the fourth week were actually nice.  Her negativity stopped.  She was a pleasure to be around.

Then several days before she was going back, the negativity came back, and here is what I found interesting--she started obsessing about her dolls again.  She is 16 and is still all about a collectible dolls.  We watched a movie in the family room on her last night here, and she brought her doll to watch with us.  She was not doing that earlier in the visit.

She was also constantly texting BPD mom long, sweet good night texts throughout the visit, but BPD mom was rarely replying.  BPD mom also did not come to get the kids on her weekend in the month... . denied to the kids she had one (she usually just claims she forgets).

I really worry about her.

[sanemom]

We had our month's summer visitation with DSD, who seems to be quite enmeshed with BM.  It was interesting how she changed over the course of the month (sadly, she will probably change back now that she is back with BM).

First, she and DSS12 were hating each other while they were at BPD mom's house--he apparently was telling her that he hated her every day.  She was blogging that he was a "narcissistic beast" and "child of Satan".  The first week she still seemed extreme in her descriptions of him (e.g. he wanted to light a candle, and that made him an "arsonist".  BUT for the rest of the time, they did not seem nearly as hateful towards one another.

The first two weeks she was pretty negative.  Found something to complain about 24/7.  The other kids were calling her on it.  My DSD said that at one point, because we did not get her 2 month summer dance classes (last year we did, and she only went the month we had her so we wasted 50%), DSD was telling BM that she thought we "should pay" for dance classes (not her) since she didn't get to go to camp this summer.  Um... . the camp she was complaining about happened in the month she was with BPD mom.  I just thought it interesting because apparently, she and BPD mom DO talk about what we should pay for, etc.  

The third and half of the fourth week were actually nice.  Her negativity stopped.  She was a pleasure to be around.

Then several days before she was going back, the negativity came back, and here is what I found interesting--she started obsessing about her dolls again.  She is 16 and is still all about a collectible dolls.  We watched a movie in the family room on her last night here, and she brought her doll to watch with us.  She was not doing that earlier in the visit.

She was also constantly texting BPD mom long, sweet good night texts throughout the visit, but BPD mom was rarely replying.  BPD mom also did not come to get the kids on her weekend in the month... . denied to the kids she had one (she usually just claims she forgets).

I really worry about her.

[mamachelle]

sanemom,

Yes, I think 16 is a bit old to be bringing a doll to sit on the couch.

I know BPDBioMom in my case though has a big piece of fabric (boys call it her blanket) that she keeps around in her purse even now at like 41 and it is a comfort object she touches when she is stressed out. I wonder if your SD mom has this type of thing too.

Your SD16 seems like she is living with a lot of anxiety and I think all in all she seems to be coping ok though.

mamachelle

[sanemom]

Yes, I feel like she is so desperate for mom's acceptance and attention.  I know she gets it intermittently from her mom... . just enough to keep her trying.  Their relationship seems shallow, in general. We are heading for mediation, and DH really wants to make an offer to maybe entice BPD mom to send DSD16 back.  And I am torn.

Part of me wonders if we take her back with us the majority of the time, will it be harder for her to resolve whatever it is she needs to resolve with her BPD mom?  Or will it be better for her if she is not living with that struggle day in and day out?

[mamachelle]

It sounds like she is going to have these issues regardless of where she lives.

If it was me, I would probably let Dad try for more time, at least DSD will know that your DH cares about her even if she ends up with Mom more.

Was it BioMom that wanted her more or was it DSD that initiated the move or was it kind of both simultaneously?

Is DSD aware that Dad wants her living with him more again? How is that therapy going for both of them to repair the r/s?

I dunno, this 'enmeshment' is a scary thing now that I am seeing it for what it is with one of my step sons.

[DreamGirl]

I think it's a pretty decent coping skill to find comfort in a hobby (doll collecting) or hanging on to an inadamant object (the doll)when we need to. I was in a support group facilitated by a therapist and there was a similar kind of mindfulness exercise I practiced for myself that incorporated my journal. I had placed several stickers on the back of it (puffy ones, smooth ones, rugged ones) and I would run my fingers over them to help calm my nerves. It was all about just bringing me into the moment and to help in building that resilience that helps us cope with the tough stuff.

Your SD is 16 and is smack dab in the middle of a custody dispute because she has a voice in it at 16. Her mom is also involving her in financial aspects which is stressful. It leaves her in this pseudo tug-o-war where each parent truly believe they know best and she doesn't have the skill set to know who is right. 

That's hard for a 16 year old. It would make sense that she would revert back to something that has always brought her comfort like her doll collecting. It something that actually makes a lot of sense to her. 

Statistically speaking, transition days are really hard for a lot of kids. It actually is pretty normal that there were signs of anxiety when she showed up and the anxiety returned when she went back. 

We had our month's summer visitation with DSD, who seems to be quite enmeshed with BM.  It was interesting how she changed over the course of the month (sadly, she will probably change back now that she is back with BM).

In what ways is she enmeshed with her mom?

Does she ever have moments of interdependence?

[sanemom]

It sounds like she is going to have these issues regardless of where she lives.

If it was me, I would probably let Dad try for more time, at least DSD will know that your DH cares about her even if she ends up with Mom more.

Was it BioMom that wanted her more or was it DSD that initiated the move or was it kind of both simultaneously?

Is DSD aware that Dad wants her living with him more again? How is that therapy going for both of them to repair the r/s?

She is aware our home is an open door for her.  The therapy is still in individual therapy stage... . no joint yet.

I had something interesting happen with my ex last week--he posted on FB that he was suicidal.  He rarely sees our kids because of his depression (he is bipolar), but after that my oldest DD reached out to him, and they did some fun things together.  He started telling her that she is all he lives for.  She started freaking out at that responsibility.  She was very very upset to have that much pressure put on her.  Then I started thinking that DSD lives with that pressure all the time... . she has been hearing that message from her mom for so long that it doesn't sound strange to her as it does to my DD.  Then I wonder which is an easier cross to bear? 

In terms of enmeshment, it is hard to explain.  We can tell what mood BPD mom is in when DSD comes over by seeing what mood DSD is in.  DSD rarely wants to go out with her friends; rather, she wants to stay home with BPD mom.  Even when she was with us, she was complaining that her friends wanted to do things with her.  I was surprised she didn't want to go.

[mamachelle]

sanemom,

I hear what you are saying. My SS10 has always been like a 'canary in a coal mine' when it comes to his mother's mood. When he was little even, he would become agitated and then Mom would call... agitated. I thought it was just a psychic connection but as he's grown older it is really apparent this is not a normal relationship. He is her main spokesperson for his brothers and updating them on plans. She tells him she loves him the most, more than his brothers and always has told him this. She says she is "just like him" and understands his behavior. He writes her love letters that I find all over the house. Says he wants to have the same job as her. Says constantly that he has Mom's teeth, eyes, hair.

He is also very immature and is on the autism spectrum and appears to have gender identity problems. His mom desperately wanted a girl and I think he knows this on a subconcious level. Basically a kid with a lot of issues and I fear he may be heading for BPD himself.

ALso, on your DD and her Dad. My DD13 and 16 do not see their BioBPDDad but when they did he would lay a lot of heavy issues on them. He uses facebook sometimes for semi-desparate communication that they ignore. I think your DD freaking out is a good sign that she doesn't want and won't accept the responsibility. Still, I would hope your DD has a therapist she could do a check-in with on that encounter with Dad. My DD are not in therapy now but their therapist has an open door if either one needs a few sessions to work through something.

I think I would discuss your enmeshment concerns with DSD therapist and see what she thinks of her behavior and what can be done to help her become more independent or at least more aware of the relationship.

  mamachelle