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Author Topic: If it weren't for the baby, we'd cut off contact in a minute.  (Read 1289 times)
Winifred

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« on: August 18, 2013, 11:54:24 AM »

Please, can anyone tell me why we should not cut off or severely limit contact with our BPD daughter? We are the educated, loving, patient, earnest parents who have learned to set boundaries, validate, understand, and tolerate. Over the last 20 years she has stolen thousands of dollars from us, manipulated us, told us so many lies that we automatically disbelieve most of what she says, treated us and her brother like dirt clods, entered and left therapy, cut herself, associated with criminals, lived in the back of a pick-up truck, had sex in the dirt behind a pizza joint and anywhere else she pleases, manipulated the police, walked out on us, hung up on us, assaulted her father, threatened me with a knife, been committed twice, had at least three boy friends threaten to kill her, been fired from every job, been beaten up and strangled by boyfriends, and now has a four month old baby by a career criminal who last week was jailed for second degree assault against her. The previous week she was jailed for assaulting him. Last weekend she and the baby stayed with us, and we had a very nice and hopeful time. We have bought a crib, stroller, and other essentials for their visits, besides reorganizing a room that used to be my office. On Monday of this week she called late in the night to say that her criminal boyfriend broke down a door and beat her up. We called the police, and fortunately they arrived in time to arrest him. The next morning we phoned to take her to the courthouse to get a protection order against him.

She told us she didn't want to do that. When I pointed out that she needed to do it for the baby, if not for herself, she hung up. We haven't heard from her since. He's out of jail. I suspect they're together again. When the baby was three or four weeks old, CPS took her while they did an investigation, then returned her. A public health nurse and a social worker monitor the baby's welfare, but the baby remains in the apartment amidst screaming, violence, and chaos. if it weren't for the baby, our granddaughter, we'd cut off contact in a minute. What in the world should we do? Advice is most welcomed!
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
pessim-optimist
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 2540



« Reply #1 on: August 18, 2013, 12:25:38 PM »

Hi Winifred!

What a whirlwind of terrible situations... .  

I understand your feelings. The mix of anger, wanting to be done with it, and worry for the baby at the same time... .

Cutting off an r/s or severly limiting it are very personal decisions and no one can tell you to do that or not to do that. That is something you and your husband need to ponder, and decide for yourselves. Either way, we will not judge you, because, like I said those decisions are personal and most times there is no right or wrong in them... .

That being said, we will be happy to help you explore your options, and support you through the process.

From reading your post, I get the feeling that you want to stay in touch for the sake of your grandkid. Am I right?

BTW I am not sure where she is right now - did your daughter take her back after you had her, or do you still have her with you?
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Winifred

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« Reply #2 on: August 18, 2013, 12:52:03 PM »

Yes, I would really appreciate knowing what our options are. You are right that we want to stay in touch for the sake of our grandchild. The baby was never in our custody; when she was taken by CPS, the boyfriend's parents took care of her. When our daughter was jailed for a night, I think the baby was cared for by a CPS worker. We see the baby when our daughter visits us. We've explained to CPS that the baby was in the apartment during this latest assault. Of course, after filing a complaint, we are allowed to know absolutely nothing about what happens thereafter. Silence from thereon out. Thank you for your interest!
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pessim-optimist
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« Reply #3 on: August 18, 2013, 07:53:30 PM »

I think that the sense of helplessness when our grandchild may be in danger and we can't be there to protect them is the worst of all... .

We were cut off from our grandkids in the last year and a half and only recently saw them again. We can see the scars on their little souls and it breaks our hearts. It was really hard for us to accept that we do not have control in this situation. We realized that the only way we can help them in any way is if we work on the r/s with our uBPDd32. And as our r/s with her is getting better, we are seeing our grandkids more or at least talk to them on the phone.

Your situation may be different since the child is still a baby. It must be really frustrating to have no information from the CPS... .

Do you know the parents of your dd's bf? What do they think about the situation?

There are also some good resources on this website for improving an r/s with our pwBPD. Some of it may not be new to you, as you said you have been dealing with this for a long time.

Here's a link if you would like to check it out:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114267.0

The discussions are ordered in a logical progress. So, you can look at the contents and pick what you think would be helpful to you. The part that deals with our role in the r/s is discussion #2 and the tools and techniques that what we can use to change the dynamics in the r/s discussion #3.

Let us know what you think... .
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vivekananda
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Relationship status: married
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« Reply #4 on: August 25, 2013, 06:44:06 PM »

Hi Winifred, I am glad you have found us here.

Yours is a really challenging situation. It must feel overwhelming at times. We all want to be able to fix things up, to make them better but with BPD in our lives, we know that we can't. It is hurtful, isn't it?

As I see it, you have two concerns right? Your dd and your gd and these two concerns are intertwined.

If you want to have contact with your gd, then you have to work on improving your relationship with your dd, yes? That is one solution. So, that is something you can work on.

The alternative is to consider custody. That is a legal situation that is outside the scope of my experience, but there are some here who understand that process better than I do. Anyway, from what I have read of what you say, that hasn't been an active consideration of yours. So, will put that to the side for the moment.

To improve your relationship with your dd, it helps to remind ourselves of what we know already: we need the strength to change what we can change, the wisdom to know what we can't and the grace to accept the difference between the two. Can you change your dd? No. Can you change the situation she is in? no. Can you change yourself? yes.

You mention validation and boundaries and that you have changed. As you say (and I believe you too) you are educated loving patient and earnest ones. Believe me I understand your frustration. I have felt that unfairness myself. Nonetheless I will challenge you to explore these things in some greater depth. I think you may find an answer there. Validation and boundaries are tools in our BPD tool box. What we aim to build with these tools is a 'culture' of 'mindfulness' within ourselves. One important aspect of mindfulness is acceptance - radical acceptance. I would like you to consider this for a bit. You are educated so you will enjoy the learning journey. It is this journey that has brought me to a happier place.

Radical Acceptance for family members

Winifred there is a lot that we can learn from each other in our individual journeys with BPD. There are layers of understanding of our loved ones and ourselves and the world in which we live. Please let me know if the workshop above helps, please let me know what you think. If you have any questions, please ask.

There are other grandparents here who may have some wise words for you.

Do you see a T? Are you a part of a face to face support group?

Please take care of yourself,

Vivek   

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