confrontation?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Dear all,

I mentioned this in a post a while ago, but back in March when things really started to not feel right (she was still sleeping with her boyfriend but claimed they did not even kiss) and I had separated and was in the process of divorcing my wife... . I had given up so much for her already, to be with her and I felt she was starting to slip away... . she was not giving up her bf... . I went into her email account as I was in such despair. She had given me a password to her wireless in her apartment, and it turned out to be the same password to her email accounts.

I found many emails there that strongly suggested a romantic (or budding one) with a third person (not me or her bf... . I showed the emails to my therapist who said they were way beyond friendship). It also revealed she lied about trips to her bf (she said she had not seen him in months whereas her email revealed a Feb trip) and spending time with him.

I know it was wrong to go into her email, but it helped me learn more.

However, my question for all of you is: I've been having many inner dialogues with my ex BPD where I tell her I read her email, what I know, I ask her how she could do this to me, abuse me, forever alter my life and suddenly not feel anything. I ask her 'how dare you do this to me'. Maybe I would not bring up the email thing... . there is still plenty for me to say.

So: do you think it could be healing for me to go visit her and tell her all the things that have been going on in my head?

My therapist says she abused me, and that counseling me has been similar to that of counsing a rape victim.  A part of me would so like to impress on her how much she has hurt me, how much my life is changed forever, how unfair it all feels that she just walks away and feels nothing (I don't know that for sure, but it sure seems that way), that she can't do this to people... .

Many thanks to all of you,

John

[Jhensohn]

Dear all,

I mentioned this in a post a while ago, but back in March when things really started to not feel right (she was still sleeping with her boyfriend but claimed they did not even kiss) and I had separated and was in the process of divorcing my wife... . I had given up so much for her already, to be with her and I felt she was starting to slip away... . she was not giving up her bf... . I went into her email account as I was in such despair. She had given me a password to her wireless in her apartment, and it turned out to be the same password to her email accounts.

I found many emails there that strongly suggested a romantic (or budding one) with a third person (not me or her bf... . I showed the emails to my therapist who said they were way beyond friendship). It also revealed she lied about trips to her bf (she said she had not seen him in months whereas her email revealed a Feb trip) and spending time with him.

I know it was wrong to go into her email, but it helped me learn more.

However, my question for all of you is: I've been having many inner dialogues with my ex BPD where I tell her I read her email, what I know, I ask her how she could do this to me, abuse me, forever alter my life and suddenly not feel anything. I ask her 'how dare you do this to me'. Maybe I would not bring up the email thing... . there is still plenty for me to say.

So: do you think it could be healing for me to go visit her and tell her all the things that have been going on in my head?

My therapist says she abused me, and that counseling me has been similar to that of counsing a rape victim.  A part of me would so like to impress on her how much she has hurt me, how much my life is changed forever, how unfair it all feels that she just walks away and feels nothing (I don't know that for sure, but it sure seems that way), that she can't do this to people... .

Many thanks to all of you,

John

[Want2know]

I think we've all had those thoughts.  I do have to ask you how do you envision her responding to you?

[Scout99]

I think Want2know is posting the most important question! Think through both what you would want her to respond to such a confrontation and then think through, knowing what you know about her and her condition, what you could expect her to respond, regardless of what you would wish her to so to speak... . Really imagine the worst case scenario... . Then compare the two and consider if the benefits would surpass the risks and the hurt coming from quite possibly not getting the response you would seek for healing purposes... .

Doing an exercise like that can help you gain perspective and can be quite healing in itself, I believe.

Best wishes

Scout99

[Reg]

Jhensohn,

She has borderline.  She doesn't understand what you are saying to her.  In her own mind the reality is twisted.  Think about yourself now and let her go, there is no magic that will make her understand all of a sudden what she has done.  Somewhere she knows it was wrong, but it is of no use to try to explain this.  The only thing you will do is hurt yourself again.  Believe me, been there. 

Reg

[Nearlybroken]

I tried to speak to my ex and tell him how much he had hurt me, the effect his actions had on my life in both emotional and practical terms,how I couldn't understand how he could just walk away from me etc etc.I felt I had to do this in order to heal.His complete lack of empathy and malicious responses only served to make me feel worse.All I can say is that you will be very unlikely to get the response that you need in order to heal.These people are not capable of appreciating the views of others.Don't make the mistake of thinking you will get the response that you want... . consider the fact that you will get a response that will hurt you and leave you probably more frustrated.I know how you are feeling and the desire you have just to make her see what she has done to you.I think the painful truth is she won't care and even if she did she will put on a great show of not caring.I got nothing posistive from trying to tell him I knew the truth.In fact, doing so set my healing back.Think very carefully.

[ObiRedKenobi]

I don't know about you but I had many inner dialogues with my ex. I had well founded and supported arguements that weren't so much accusations as just trying to get her to understand what she was doing to me.

Any time I actually tried to voice those arguements though things would take a wild turn I didn't expect and would be left going what just happened. Its not like dealing with a normal person where you would say that you feel a certain way because of x and expect them to respond accordingly. I learned not to reherse these arguements ahead of time. Determine what I had to say and keep on my toes ready to dance and not get taken off topic.

[jollygreen]

In her mind the behavior is justified and normal. But I bet if you had a GF you were hanging out with similarly it would be wrong and your pwBPD wouldn't like it. Double standards.

My ex spent the night at her two guy friends' house, drank, smoked, and took a shower ther next morning. Didn't tell me about it until the next day and said she didn't want me to be angry for not mentioning it before. I then asked her how she would feel if I did that. She said it would be okay if she could choose who haha. And she justified her actions by saying her parents ex's spent the night at their house in the past. Bad boundaries enstilled. But then why is it not okay for me?

[Learning_curve74]

She will just turn it against you. She'll most likely say that you violated her trust by breaking into her private email and reading it!

She is unlikely to learn anything from you lecturing her. As soon as you start blaming her, she will probably just tune you out and/or keep accusing you of being untrustworthy, a projection which she has evidence for as well since you snooped in her private emails.

On the other hand, maybe it will feel good to just get it out there and speak your mind, as long as you absolutely don't care what she has to say in reply.

[jollygreen]

I agree with learning curve. She will get mad at you for looking through her stuff and turn it around. My ex did that with my situation I described earlier.

The Jodi Arias trial is another good example. When she was in her teens she grew pot at her parents house. When her parents found it and tried to discipline her, Jodi flipped out and turned it around saying how dare you spy on me and go against me. Very opposite thinking, she had to be the victim and not the wrong doer.

[danley]

They are always the victim in their eyes. No matter what plain and simple facts are present... . they are always the victim. And IF there is a moment when they're not, they look upon the other with disgust and probably have the mindset that they deserve what's happening to them.