I've had an epiphany

[Eric1]

It's probably because I'm still running of the endorphins from the gym, but... .

She is a toilet. She made me miserable & blamed all her misery on me. I didn't make her unhappy, she was never happy! She won't ever be happy. However, I can! And I will!

I want to be by myself because I can enjoy my own company. I'm going to work out as much as possible and get my body and confidence back. I'm going to the doctors to get referred to get my broken nose (sport) put back because it makes me self concious. I've asked a friend to lend me a guitar, so I'm gonna learn to play guitar!

Next time she sees me, if ever, I would have moved on. Be in a better place & will be looking and feeling f-ing amazing!

[Octoberfest]

It's probably because I'm still running of the endorphins from the gym, but... .

She is a toilet. She made me miserable & blamed all her misery on me. I didn't make her unhappy, she was never happy! She won't ever be happy. However, I can! And I will!

I want to be by myself because I can enjoy my own company. I'm going to work out as much as possible and get my body and confidence back. I'm going to the doctors to get referred to get my broken nose (sport) put back because it makes me self concious. I've asked a friend to lend me a guitar, so I'm gonna learn to play guitar!

Next time she sees me, if ever, I would have moved on. Be in a better place & will be looking and feeling f-ing amazing!

I am not quite sure but I laughed out loud when you called her a toilet. An interesting comparison.

I think you are on to something though when you mention that you didn't make her unhappy; that she was unhappy to begin with.

Something I have found helpful is to try and remove myself from the situation, and look at my BPDex's relationship history as a whole.  When I just look at my time with her, I am left with plenty of opportunities in which to blame myself or second guess my role in the failure of the relationship and her constant lying and cheating.  When I look at the grand picture, see her failed marriage at 19, her several engagements aside from that, the fact that she was at her third college in three years, and the broken trail of relationships she has had aside from those already mentioned, it is pretty plain to see that I was just another chapter in that sad story. It had very little to do with me, just like it has had very little to do with those before me and the guy after me.  I kind of see us all as pieces of wood from a shipwreck that my BPDex has desperately been clinging to, and then swimming to the next as soon as the weight of all her baggage sinks us  .  There is nothing wrong with the pieces of wood; it is the person trying to float on top of them!

[Eric1]

She's had quite a few boyfriends before me & they've never really gotten passed the 5 month mark. I was her longest at over 1 1/2 years, but we still broke up a couple of times.

I think I'll always love her, but she isn't good for me and there's nothing I can do for her.

I just want to be the best person I can be. So, next time we run in together, she'll realise she made a mistake, but i would have moved on by then and will be indifferent.

[dangoldfool]

I'm not sure, but I don't think the ex's think it that far through, to see the break-up as a mistake.

But your doing just like me, getting on with my life not for my ex, but for me. I was several pound over weight and out of shape. Drop 10 pounds already and starting to feel good. Forget about them. Next.

[Clearmind]

A certain amount of self shame and blame comes from not being able to make it work! I sense that a little here - mixed in with a little bravado  . Its OK! We all loose some self confidence from these r/s.

While you working on your health – great by the way – also start to think about why you got yourself into this relationship to begin with. There is something innate in you that needed this relationship.

[Eric1]

I think the reason i stayed so long was because i loved her. I Knew she had issues & i tried my hardest to look passed these.

We had such a connection & i loved spending time with her, we spoke about our futures - marriage, kids etc & i idolised that.

She was hardwork, aggrehsive and very insecure.  But, i loved her.

I'm feeling better today. It's day 4 of NC. Still thinking about her a lot, but i know theres nothing i can do now.

Do you think she'll try and re-engage?

[Clearmind]

Eric, all that you described is steeped in fantasy thoughts rather than the reality of the relationship. I know you are a newbie and I can completely understand where you are at right now. All the best to you and keep looking after you.

[Reg]

Eric1,

As Clearmind said, forget about the 'real' connection, it was her mirroring... . It was not real, and we have to learn to understand this.

Actually you have to face the fact that they can always try to re-engage or recycle, due to the changing b/w pattern in their thoughts.  By knowing the way they think, one learns an important tool, not to run into the same trap again.

My ex recently started to join groups where I'm posting music.  She had never posted anything of the kind before in groups, and every time I posted something, she started posting herself after this... .

She wanted to get my attention again... .   It didn't work, it just made me smile

I just kept posting, and she ran out of ideas... .

Reg

[Eric1]

I keep asking questions whether she did have BPD or if i'm just trying to find excuse for the breakup.

I do just want all this to be over.

[Reg]

Eric,

If I may, write down her unusual behavior.

If you did not do this yet, take a look at lesson 4 on borderline behavior : https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331266#msg1331266

I have the feeling you still feel guilty.  So making this comparison may be interesting for you I think... .

Reg

[Eric1]

I have listed what i went through in some of my first posts.

I'm feeling better about myself. The gym is starting to work wonders & i'm eating properly again.

I wont make contact with her again, even though at times i do want to.

I need to be put down, but i would get back with her.

[Eric1]

Don't shout at me, but, how would you go about getting back with your Ex?

Again, don't shout at me.

[Reg]

Eric1,

Be assured nobody is shouting at you, we've all been there. One way or another.

Getting back with your ex is no solution, it will just start all over again.  You had break ups yourself, she wanted you back, did it change anything ? No, it didn't.  It remained the same.  It will never change.

Try to figure this : my ex hates me because I say she has borderline, not my conclusion BTW.  She is surrounded by other known borderlines, accusing one another of being a borderline.  And still they can't let go of each other.

I can only talk for my case, but they influence each other so much that it is impossible that she will get help.  And she is used to her behavior.  So she would have to grow up emotionally by seeking therapy while surrounded by adults on an childish emotional level.  It is not going to happen... .

They can only change when they go in therapy, let go of the wrong people (which is awakening their biggest fear, to be left) and if they really want to succeed in changing.  It takes at least two years before there is real change.  Many of them stop, they are scared to grow on an emotional level to an adult.  They are not used to this after so many years... .

So your ex should first say yes to therapy (mine almost agreed, yeah, for a few days) she would have to start it as fast as possible, she would have to be willing to do this and go to the end of it.

Most of them live in complete denial of what they have.  It is not upon us to cure them, we can't.

See it as an alcoholic who's drinking, and lives in denial.  He can only be helped if he acknowledges of his problem and seeks help.  Alcoholism is a choice.  Borderline is not.  It goes way deeper.

It is about convincing someone of his or her problem, who thinks the problem is everybody else... .

You don't want to get back in that situation.  I did the same as you, started at the gym several months ago, went out of my house, saw friends, listened to music, learned about BPD and my own issues, and now, I'm moving on.

My breakup itself was by 1 January this year and four long talks later when she came to talk with me about borderline, as I said, it lasted a few days, and the later talks were of no more use... .   Last one is now about 1 month and a half ago.  I'm happy she is no longer part of my life. 

Believe me, you will get there also !

Reg

[dangoldfool]

You could read article on the staying or un-decided boards. They might be helpful to you. Only you can make your choice as to what to do.

Peace

[Eric1]

I know i shouldn't, but i've got a real urge to break no contact.

Thing is, i know nothing will come of it and it'll set me back again, but i just can't help myself.

[VeryFree]

What do you want to happen if you break NC?

What do you think will happen if you break NC?

How is breaking NC going to help you?

[Reg]

Eric1,

I know you can do it !

You just have to convince yourself, that you won't take contact.  That you want to get better.

It's time to think about yourself and let go of the toxic and negative.  If you have an urge to do it, get out of the house, see friends, listen to uplifting music, go see a good movie.

Reg

[Eric1]

What do you want to happen if you break NC?

What do you think will happen if you break NC?

How is breaking NC going to help you?

I want her to tell me she wants me.

She won't say anything.

It won't.

[VeryFree]

Clear answers Eric.

So why would you bother to break NC?

[Learning_curve74]

I know i shouldn't, but i've got a real urge to break no contact.

Thing is, i know nothing will come of it and it'll set me back again, but i just can't help myself.

Eric1, I feel EXACTLY like you right now. I want so bad to contact my BPDex. It's so hard to let go of the fantasy of "if only she could change, if only I didn't give up on her". I alternate between feeling good about breaking it off and being terribly depressed missing BPDex.

Regarding how you feel about the uncertainty your ex has BPD or not, how much difference does it really make? I understand it bothers you. Think carefully will her actions still make you miserable? Is that what you really want or think you deserve?

You feel like you can't help yourself that you want to contact her so bad. Separate out those two feelings. 1. You feel like contacting her. 2. You feel like you can't help yourself. Are these both true and logical? What are the likely outcome if you act on these feelings?

Thank you Eric1 for posting this here. You helped me think through my own situation right now and have some peace of mind that I'm doing the right thing for me. I hope you can find the right way for yourself too.

[Eric1]

Clear answers Eric.

So why would you bother to break NC?

Because I miss her. I don't want her to forget about me. I care about her.

[VeryFree]

I understand those reasons Eric, but if you know you're not going to get what you want, why bother?

If eating chocolate is going to make you throw-up badly, are you going to buy chocolate?

[Eric1]

I don't know. I was doing so well, and now for some reason i've hit a wall.

I miss hearing from her & yes, i had to deal with all her problems, but i miss giving her advice and helping her out. I miss laughing with her. I miss drinking with her. I miss our petty arguements. I just plain miss her.

[VeryFree]

I don't know. I was doing so well, and now for some reason i've hit a wall.

I miss hearing from her & yes, i had to deal with all her problems, but i miss giving her advice and helping her out. I miss laughing with her. I miss drinking with her. I miss our petty arguements. I just plain miss her.

Do you miss her or do you miss close contact with another human being?

Do you need her to fill an empty gap in your life or is it really about THIS person?

[Eric1]

I'm content being single and being on my own. I have had human 'contact' as i've pretty much got a friends with benifits.

but, I still miss her.

[Blade99d]

I miss hearing from her & yes, i had to deal with all her problems, but i miss giving her advice and helping her out. I miss laughing with her. I miss drinking with her. I miss our petty arguements. I just plain miss her.

Eric,

I can totlly relate to this.  My ex and I would send txt messages all day, then see each other at night, drink heavily together and have a wild time together.  But there was no real substance to the relationship.  If you have the means, try talking to a T, it has helped me immensely with letting go and focusing on getting me healthy.  I have been NC now since mid may.  Hang in there, it does get better, but you also need to focus on why you fell into this kind of relationship, otherwise you will most likely repeat it.  

[Eric1]

I miss hearing from her & yes, i had to deal with all her problems, but i miss giving her advice and helping her out. I miss laughing with her. I miss drinking with her. I miss our petty arguements. I just plain miss her.

Eric,

I can totlly relate to this.  My ex and I would send txt messages all day, then see each other at night, drink heavily together and have a wild time together.  But there was no real substance to the relationship.  If you have the means, try talking to a T, it has helped me immensely with letting go and focusing on getting me healthy.  I have been NC now since mid may.  Hang in there, it does get better, but you also need to focus on why you fell into this kind of relationship, otherwise you will most likely repeat it. 

A lot of the same. I'm honestly thinking that being in LC is best because it allows me to see how she really is and helps me take her off the pedestal.

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Eric,

     There are very few people on these boards (including the moderators, I suspect) who don't have some part of them that feels like you right now.  If you think of this as a heroin addiction (there are many parallels, by the way) you will understand that you might never get completely free, but the pain gets a lot better with time and work unless you restart the clock by going back.  Having said that, many (perhaps most) of us here have gone back more than once and it's not the end of the world if you do too; you may not be ready to move on with your life yet.  Don't make the need to be n/c yet another stressor that forces you to need your mother's love even more -- as that is really what this bond comes down to in many ways.  If you do return, you will have the bad experiences again and end up kicking yourself more since you knew better, so be prepared for that. 

     In the end, getting over this depends not at all on what the pwBPD says or even what she does. It depends completely on how you decide to treat yourself.  She can't get better, but you can.  Start treating yourself with the love you show everyone else and this nightmare can actually end.

LT

[Emelie Emelie]

Eric -  I understand.  I feel the same way.  We're hurting and we're human.  Every time we get into one of our conversations I think what I'm really hoping for is for him to tell me he made a mistake.  He screwed up.  He's sorry.  I don't even want to hear that he wants me back because that would make it even tougher to not go back (and I am not going back).  But I want to hear the other stuff.  Problem is I never do.  All I hear about is what I did wrong.  (Before, during and after break up.)  And how hard it all is on him.  I suck at no contact but EVERY time we have contact... . regardless of who initiated it... . I feel like crap.

[Eric1]

She's always contacted me before, but I think she is seeing someone so she no longer needs me. I just want her back.