Warning... be careful as to who you say is "cute". Ugh

[SadWifeofBPD]

For years, my H has been VERY vocal about who he thinks is cute/hot... . actresses, waitresses, girls walking down the street.  Frankly, I could care less that he thinks some young babe is cute.    I really don't care.

However, I made the mistake ONE TIME several years ago when I made a brief comment that I though a college football quarterback was cute (he was cute... . heck he's a baby... . 21! ).  Oh my... . H has never let that go.  He still brings it up. 

Of course, since that time, I've thought others were "cute," but I just keep it to myself.  the only guy that H leaves me alone about is Cary Grant (who my mom and I used to drool over... . )... . but he's long dead so I guess he's safe!  ha!

Anyway... . it's not fair... . it is hypocritical, but it's not worth it to share who you think is cute! 

I'm sure others have similar stories.

[Chosen]

Lol.  Regarding this... . my H is quite vocal as well, and would frequently point out (to me only) how cute this guy/ girl is walking down the street.

I rarely see people in that way, so most of the time I don't agree with him, and then he would sometimes project his feelings on me and say "You must be thinking he's hot".  Well, I really don't 

And for the one or two people I think is good-looking, he would keep on saying "Why do you think so?  I think they're so-so."  I would always just say "Well, I still think they're good-looking".  No explanation needed.

[SadWifeofBPD]

Same here.  Many times H will say, "I bet you think XXXXX is really hot."  And, I won't. 

[Cloudy Days]

My husband does this too, he is very vocal about pointing girls out on the TV. Victoria's secret commercials, heck we just went to the fair this weekend and there were half naked girls everywhere and he doesn't keep it to himself. Honestly I don't care, I've never been a jealous person, it's not like he's trying to run off with these people. However, it's a total double standard. First of all he tries to act like I think any decent looking guy is cute that we meet. It's not even on my radar of thinking. Very rarely do I see someone who I would actually comment on if I were with girlfriends. And he gets so bent out of shape when I show any happiness towards an actor or performer of some sort. I've always loved Justin Timberlake, ever since I was 14 I was gaga over him. My husband is so threatened by this fact. I really don't understand it, It's not like I could run off with JT.

[SadWifeofBPD]

First of all he tries to act like I think any decent looking guy is cute that we meet. It's not even on my radar of thinking

Same here.  If we encounter any decent looking guy, H thinks I'm drooling.  We had a young car salesman the other day.  He was cute with that frat boy preppy clear blue eyes look.  But he was like 30 and I'm a middle aged lady.    I said nothing about his looks.  On the way home, H kept asking me what I thought about this person's looks. 

I should have said that he reminds me of (insert name of some actress that H has REPEATEDLY drooled over) as a joke. 

Or better yet, maybe I should have said, "Well, he's not nearly as good looking as that (insert name here) who you drool over every time you see her."  And, then flash my biggest smile.

[Suzn]

Or better yet, maybe I should have said, "Well, he's not nearly as good looking as that (insert name here) who you drool over every time you see her."  And, then flash my biggest smile.

Sounds like he was a little intimidated. Not that we have to save anyone from feeling this way, it's healthier to consider ways to extinguish it than to inflame it. I wonder what he would have said if you told him "he's not nearly as good looking to me than you are." Flashing your biggest smile and a wink here.

[Cipher13]

Looks like everyone here has projected there story about the H. Let me follow up with one about my W. As a male I will admit to bein able to notice and atriactive person. But thats were that ends. But no to my W. She of course says what she thinks about certain football players as we watch tv. I do not get affended or even put uch thought into it. Now I know from 1 previous expereience that I can not do th same. We were not even married yet the converstion came up of people watching. I said somethign you know how you can tell someone has attractive features and some do not.  Thats all I said and all of a suddend I like and want to be with every female and just oogle and check them out.  It cuse 1 of many break ups that never really ended up as a break up.

So since then i say everyone is ugly and I never am the one to bring it up. I wonder if it really is a test though. They try to get our reactions so they say "look at that tight end" or what ever. Do they want us to turn on them like they would us? 

[SadWifeofBPD]

They try to get our reactions so they say "look at that tight end" or what ever. Do they want us to turn on them like they would us? 

... . they'd have a fit if we told them that it's just as wrong for them to oogle the opposite sex as it is for us.

But, I wonder what they'd say if we said in response to their oogliing, "Oh, are you going to have an affair with that person?"  And then when they say, "no," then say, "I believe you. Neither one of us is going to have any affairs."

[SadWifeofBPD]

Or better yet, maybe I should have said, "Well, he's not nearly as good looking as that (insert name here) who you drool over every time you see her."  And, then flash my biggest smile.

Sounds like he was a little intimidated. Not that we have to save anyone from feeling this way, it's healthier to consider ways to extinguish it than to inflame it. I wonder what he would have said if you told him "he's not nearly as good looking to me than you are." Flashing your biggest smile and a wink here.

Sure he's intimidated.  But, as long as he's in a good mood, I'm gonna use the opportunity to "open his eyes" a bit to his hypocrisy. 

H also does this (which is VERY weird):   When he sees a pretty girl with a plain/ugly guy, he gets very upset and annoyed.  He'll go "on an on" about how unfair it is that that plain/ugly guy got that pretty girl.  Now, I'm middle-aged, but when I was young, I was probably a 9... . at least that's what others said  ( I looked a lot like Sophia Loren... . face,body and all)... . so it's not as if he got stuck with chopped liver.   

Anyway, it's very weird that he gets so upset to see a pretty girl with a plain guy.  It's not as if he'd get that girl... . .

[Cloudy Days]

I wonder if it really is a test though. They try to get our reactions so they say "look at that tight end" or what ever. Do they want us to turn on them like they would us? 

My husband actually told me once that he wants that reaction out of me. He wants to make me jealous because it makes him feel better. I'm just not that type of person to get mad because he wants to say someone else is attractive. However he has really pushed my buttons before by flirting with one of our coworkers. A girl who I really disliked and he just loved my reaction so he kept doing it. I know he would never have any kind of relationship with this girl but man did it get to me that he was flirting with the enemy. If I ever did that, there would be hell to pay. So maybe they are looking for that reaction.

[rj47]

The worst part of this reactionary behavior by our BPD other is it simply becomes one more lever for suppressing our interactions with others. We choke down the natural responses and begin to parse every word and observation around the BPDer to avoid the inevitable trouble. Over the years my behavior has changed in front of my wife to the point that she has little understanding about the man she once knew. Its become so natural to subvert my natural tendencies that I am often unaware until others point out how drastically different I am when she is not around. If I look at another woman and she notices... . that means I want to sleep with her and probably will. Forbid the thought that I would converse and laugh with another. Even casual care or concern for others becomes a trigger that I care more about other than her. As a result, I'm careful in every mixed setting watching and remembering every word for when she attempts to gaslight me later. When I get angry at myself for the control and try to assert myself... . I end up withdrawing knowing its just not worth the trouble. Its pathetic.

[SadWifeofBPD]

My husband actually told me once that he wants that reaction out of me. He wants to make me jealous because it makes him feel better

Oh my... . that must be what's going on!

When we first began dating, H would "pretend" to "find" notes from other women, quickly shove them into his pocket, and then look at me for a reaction.  I never gave him any, and I guess extinction burst happened and it went away. 

He probably was annoyed that I didn't jump up and demand to see those bits of paper. 

However, this commenting on other women's looks still goes on, even tho I don't express any anger about that either.  I usually just agree that the girl is pretty and move on.   

Recently, while in church, H kept complaining that there weren't any pretty girls that day.     Uh, hey, you're not there to look at girls!  He also changed his gym membership because he said the new place has better looking girls.  I should have asked him if the guys are better looking there. 

Over the years my behavior has changed in front of my wife to the point that she has little understanding about the man she once knew. Its become so natural to subvert my natural tendencies that I am often unaware until others point out how drastically different I am when she is not around.

I was getting to that point as well.  Then I realized that we got along better during our early years when I was more myself.  So, now I'm trying to return to that.

[Cipher13]

I have found that I have become less out going and I try to be more of myself while at work but the years of copeing with all of this and turning the wolrd out as it is the nenmey almost has made me enjoy my work or at least the work environment more. I still am not the self I wan tot be.

[Cloudy Days]

I can also agree about not being yourself in public. I've basically shut off most of my natural personality when I am out in public too. In fact I don't like going out in public with him, I would rather go myself. I'm not doing anything out of the ordinary, but he's thrown a fit so many times over things that I had no idea could possibly be a problem for him that I just don't feel comfortable. What's the kicker is that he notices that I act differently and then uses that to say I am hiding something from him. If I wasn't then I wouldn't be nervous or different.

[Cipher13]

Not only do I no be myself in public I find that if we are around her family I am different to. Its like i can relax a little because she won't or hasn't raged in front of them. She tells me often that I am differnet around them. I feel more myself as I use them as a buffer to feel more normal.

[rj47]

What's the kicker is that he notices that I act differently and then uses that to say I am hiding something from him. If I wasn't then I wouldn't be nervous or different.

Woah... . I could have posted that. I characterize much of my present existence with her as "life between to 40-yd lines".

The trick is to show enough social interaction to deflect critical analysis (there's always a post social interaction analysis... . ALWAYS) when it becomes a lever for confrontation later. But... . not too much or it elicits immediate confrontation and accusation. Too little... . and we're hiding something (as in... . "you must f*ing her! Ummm, you just introduced me to her". It does not matter... . our conscious and unconscious goal becomes minimizing conflict potential. Nevertheless, the longer they know us the better they are at filtering through the defenses to exploit the situation. Its maddening isn't it?

[Suzn]

Sure he's intimidated.  But, as long as he's in a good mood, I'm gonna use the opportunity to "open his eyes" a bit to his hypocrisy. 

SadWife you have used one of my favorite words from my past. Hypocrisy.

Hypocrisy = "this isn't fair!" = victim

You are not a victim. You have chosen to stay with your husband. Why would you "poke the bear" when he's in a good mood? You may want to ask yourself "what is the payoff for me in my behavior?"

Bowen "family systems" theory sheds a little light on issues/problems within a relationship.  

The theory was developed by Murray Bowen, M.D. in the late 1940’s and early 1950’s, when he was a psychiatrist at the Menninger Clinic. After his time at Menninger’s, he moved to the National Institute of Mental Health, to Georgetown University Medical Center and finally established the Georgetown Family Center in Washington, D.C.

An individual’s overall life functioning is linked closely to his level of emotional maturity or differentiation. People select ... .   partners who have the same level of emotional maturity. Emotional immaturity manifests in unrealistic needs and expectations. ~ Murray Bowen, M.D

For me, this theory opened my eyes to my own behavior in my past relationships. There were plenty of times I felt things weren't fair and I acted out, out of my own emotional immaturity.   

In order to maintain a healthier, more mature (our side of the street) relationship we likely have some self work to do. Are you willing to do that? The lessons for Staying are to the right of your screen---->

[SadWifeofBPD]

Why would you "poke the bear" when he's in a good mood? You may want to ask yourself "what is the payoff for me in my behavior?"

My intent isn't to "poke the bear."   My intent is to use a receptive time to teach... . and it's worked.   So, why not continue?

[Suzn]

Why would you "poke the bear" when he's in a good mood? You may want to ask yourself "what is the payoff for me in my behavior?"

My intent isn't to "poke the bear."   My intent is to use a receptive time to teach... . and it's worked.   So, why not continue?

He has a therapist right?

The title of this thread starts with the word Warning, ends with the word ugh.  How is this productive for you and your growth?