BPD family issues and kidney donation

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm currently estranged from and deciding what to do about my uBPDh of three years.

Just as one of my therapists (I battle bipolar type 2 and alcoholism) felt that my H is a pwBPD, an earlier therapist of mine thought that my mother was one, based on my accounts.

Thanks to my Mom's infidelities I have two younger brothers. My Dad tried to raise them as his own, but he was an alcoholic and in later years he let it be known that they were not his. Both of my parents disintegrated and died young because of their untreated issues.

I love my brothers. One of them seems to prefer not to be in touch with me and I don't push it. I have been a lot closer to the other, the youngest, kind of as a substitute mother since he was a teenager when our Mother died. Whoever his father was (I do have a hunch), the fellow must have had a congenital kidney disease. My brother was born with only one kidney, and now it has suddenly stopped functioning and he has been on dialysis for six months. My other brother got tested to see if he could be a donor, but he cannot because of his own health issues. People are looking at me because my brother's wife wants to hang on to her kidneys in case their son needs one in the future (like my brother, he was born with only one and it could deteriorate at any time).

I feel so depleted from being raised by a pwBPD and now being married to one, and have so many issues of my own, plus two children whom I support virtually on my own. I don't want my body cut into and I don't want to lose one of my organs. Most info on the subject minimizes the health risk, but I know that I would never feel the same again, and that my life span would probably be shortened by about ten years. Meanwhile, without a transplant my brother might live only another four or five years.

I don't want to donate one of my kidneys to my brother. I do feel guilty, and of course I will miss him if he dies. Any thoughts?

[SweetCharlotte]

I'm currently estranged from and deciding what to do about my uBPDh of three years.

Just as one of my therapists (I battle bipolar type 2 and alcoholism) felt that my H is a pwBPD, an earlier therapist of mine thought that my mother was one, based on my accounts.

Thanks to my Mom's infidelities I have two younger brothers. My Dad tried to raise them as his own, but he was an alcoholic and in later years he let it be known that they were not his. Both of my parents disintegrated and died young because of their untreated issues.

I love my brothers. One of them seems to prefer not to be in touch with me and I don't push it. I have been a lot closer to the other, the youngest, kind of as a substitute mother since he was a teenager when our Mother died. Whoever his father was (I do have a hunch), the fellow must have had a congenital kidney disease. My brother was born with only one kidney, and now it has suddenly stopped functioning and he has been on dialysis for six months. My other brother got tested to see if he could be a donor, but he cannot because of his own health issues. People are looking at me because my brother's wife wants to hang on to her kidneys in case their son needs one in the future (like my brother, he was born with only one and it could deteriorate at any time).

I feel so depleted from being raised by a pwBPD and now being married to one, and have so many issues of my own, plus two children whom I support virtually on my own. I don't want my body cut into and I don't want to lose one of my organs. Most info on the subject minimizes the health risk, but I know that I would never feel the same again, and that my life span would probably be shortened by about ten years. Meanwhile, without a transplant my brother might live only another four or five years.

I don't want to donate one of my kidneys to my brother. I do feel guilty, and of course I will miss him if he dies. Any thoughts?

[Validation78]

Hi SweetCharlotte!

Wow friend! That's a tough spot to be in. I wouldn't want to have to make that choice, but you do have to make it, and I don't envy you.

I can certainly understand where the guilt is coming from. Many of us would feel the same way given the circumstances. However, it is your right to decide for yourself how you will proceed. This is no small matter, and anyone who understands the risks and sacrifices you would be making, will have to respect your decision not to do it. Yes, it's very sad indeed, the lot your brother has been given! That being said, it's a very personal decision, and nobody should make a judgement about your right to not do it if you don't want to. It takes a lot of guts to do stand by your convictions, despite what others may think. Find peace in your decision, and may your brother find peace as well!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[SweetCharlotte]

Yes, it's very sad indeed, the lot your brother has been given!

Thank you; it is indeed sad. I feel very sorry for my brother. However, I don't feel I am in a position to help him. My children need me and I cannot jeopardize my ability to provide for them. I don't feel comfortable with the whole "living donor" industry (it goes against the "First, do no harm" ethic of the physician), but I know I would scramble to do it if one of my children needed it. I hope his number comes up for a kidney from a deceased donor in time for him to benefit from it!