Came to the house when i was at work

[Tired68]

I am so upset right now, I get a text from her that she is at the house and didn't even give me a heads up, yea it's her house but she left 2 months ago and I don't hear a thing from her. She asks me where her black box is with all her important papers was, I said you came to the house without me knowing , she said " it's my house" I told her I had the box with me, she said that she would come to my job and bring the police . I told her there is no need for that , that I wanted to talk. So her and her friend came at 230am and I was outside by the car. She came up to me slowly like I was going to do something , I told her to sit down, she did, I looked at her and asked if she was ok she said yea and you , I told her how hurt I was and the way she left . She said " I was unhappy for awhile" I said why didn't you just tell me the truth . She said because every time we talked it would be a 4 hour conversation . I said you lied to me and led me on , you were telling me you loved me up until I busted you . She had a little bit of tears came in her eyes but didn't really respond to that. I told her about the dogs and her little guy would wait at the door thinking she was coming home. Anyway she said her friend had to go, so we got up and I went into my car and for the box. She said " you look good" and that was it , i walked away and went back into work. I feel so lost yet again, so hurt when I was feeling a little better ... . A mess again I am

[Tired68]

I forgot also that she said , she feels like a horrible person . She also at the end looked like she wanted to hug me goodbye or something , but I may be imagining things . I told her we bought a house we got married . I never thought you would do this to me. Anyway that's it . I am hurt more then ever

[Validation78]

Hi Tired!

I'm sorry that you are hurting now after seeing her. I'm sure it's been hurting all along, and somehow, you've been dealing with it.

So, where does it go from here? What would you like to see happen now?

If you're not sure, while you decide, be sure to take care of yourself. Surround yourself with friends and family to support you. Get yourself together so you can decide how to get on with your life, with or without her!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[goldylamont]

Tired68 the reason why this hurts so much is because you are that good of a person. You truly loved this person and were truly abused and this hurts. Your pain is a measure of how truthful you are, a measure of your integrity (sucks right?  ). If it didn't hurt at all and you just picked up and moved on, then, you'd be a sociopath.

And i wanted to throw in there that you should be very careful with the exBPD now, my guess is that she's acting all nice to you just to pull you back in so she can hurt you again. Chances are she's lonely because her other boy toy situation isn't working out, or she just wants to hurt him and could do this by using you for a bit to boost her self esteem and/or make him jealous. 8 months after our breakup my ex cried and said she loved me and wanted me back and that she missed me every day blah blah blah; then 24 hours later did a 180 and said she "just wanted to feel single". what this meant was she wanted to drain me further to support her emotionally till she found another victim (which she soon did). It's a trap, trust me.

But also; Your pain weakens you, but it does not mean that you are weak--really think about this. 7 years. And you are still at the start of the separation. Completely natural how you feel. How long will it last? Probably several years would be my guess if you were married for 7--maybe less though if you find your path faster. Know that you have the strength to weather it out, because you do. And as the layers of pain slowly lift off, you will be able to congratulate yourself for handling it as well as you did.

Imagine yourself several years in the future, completely separate from this person and happy--this will happen but the reason I'm suggesting it is not some kind of self deception to make you feel good now. But, if you can imagine yourself later, then you could look back at where you are at now and what you will go through in the next few months--you can't change the ex or the situation, but you can do your best to behave in the best ways you know how so that you are proud of how you processed the pain. You will look back on all of this with selfless pride later on that you were able to overcome what you are going through now with your inherent integrity. What do i have now that I'm mostly out of the $htstorm? I'm so happy on how i was able to conduct myself--i was far from perfect but i'm truly happy about the decisions i made and how I dealt with the situation, the pain and betrayal and the worries i had about her smearing me to others. We both know that the pain is there. And we know that it *will* subside, but it takes time. But, know that you will look back at this time at a later date with clearer eyes and congratulate yourself for being so strong and weathering the storm. Best of wishes to you Tired68 

[hardhabit2break]

This morning I was coming to this site to post how I am feeling, then I saw this from Tired, and again am relating to another person's pain. Just barely 3 months into the situation that has lead to the end of my marriage, and the emotions are so raw. How does the saying go; something like "it takes a long time for the heart to realize what the mind already knows"?  I have made tremendous progress from the emotional disaster I was when I found that my uBPD H had betrayed me. We have been together since we were 18, 31 years (married for 28). This man has been the person I have shared my life with, loved every day, had 2 children with, and thought I was going to grow old with.  I don't have to tell anyone, but I will, that I have been a loving and devoted wife and mother. The only person who needs to know that is me, and I do. I am not kicking myself or taking blame for what has happened. I have been feeling more like myself again and acceptance of the loss of the man I knew and loved is taking place, slowly but surely.  Right now I am feeling the loss, and my heart is hurting. I am feeling the emotional and automatic attachment I had to this man. It is there and my heart is still remembering it. Does that make any sense? There was good in this man and now he is giving that part of himself to his new SO.  And I am left somewhat empty. I have been LC to the best of my ability for a few weeks now. He is still living here but spends several nights a week with his new SO. I cried yesterday when I saw on the bank account that he bought flowers.  That's my heart being hurt over and over again. And these types of things keep happening.  We are going through divorce and I am trying to get him out of the house. But the divorce is all just financial and details. And don't get me wrong, that's difficult too. But the emotional stuff won't end with the divorce. I am trying my best to take care of myself and live in the moment, but that isn't always easy. The pain does not go away. I know I will heal in time, but this will change me forever. My life now is divided into the before and after this life changing event (as often happens with a death). But had he died, I could wear my pain and sorrow on my sleeve for all to know, see and understand. This is not something I can share with everyone around me (coworkers, acquaintances, neighbors), instead I carry it in my pocket and only take it out for the few who are closest to me.

I will keep on moving forward and feel lucky for what I do have. Be well everyone out there struggling.  And thank you bpdfamily for allowing me this forum to share my story!