Thoughts on exBPD 1 year after breakup

[IamDevastated]

Hi everyone.

My relationship with my exBPD has been well documented on here. I have been through all the stages of shock, anger, hate towards her, accepting and now some sort of clarity (albeit a sort of heavy depressing clarity) after our horrible horrible breakup in summer 2012.

I guess I just have to get my feelings out... . so here they come:

I really really hated her for what she did to me. For a long time. When all the abuse and devaluing from her was taking place I learned what hate really is. I am not like that normally. I am the most patient and caring person you would ever meet and it takes forever and a thousand stabs at my heart to make my temper rise. But I guess it was because she kept dragging out the process for so long, for so very long. She kept coming back, torturing me brutally, giving me hope, only to again devalue me again and again and abuse me in ways the devil himself could only have master minded.

The lack of moral, the lack of empathy, the lack of any kind of human decency or redeeming character traits in her was just... . staggering. This girl conned me... . everything I believed I knew about her was coming crashing down like a house of cards during this time. Every time I thought there was hope and a glimpse of the girl I once "knew" a new and uglier than before snake stuck out its head and spewed venom. I was so absolutely horrified how her real personality was coming through and what it was like. I couldn´t believe it. I haven´t cried since I was a child but some nights I literally cried alone on my bed - me a grown man.

Nothing... . nothing in this world can describe what you feel when someone who has told you over and over again how they love you and you are their entire universe and sun and moon and they will spend every second with you for the rest of your life suddenly changes into the most hateful devaluing and evil monster from your worst nightmares. I never knew people like this existed. I never knew behaviour like this existed? How can you treat other people like this and look yourself in the mirror?

She was my greatest dream and my first real love... . I loved her more than life. But she was conning me all along. None of it meant anything for her. She did it for kicks and for filling up her black hole. I feel used. And abused. She kept me from meeting other girls, real girls, girls with heart and soul and compassion. Real people not monsters.

A part of me still hates her. I hate what she did to me. The dreams she showed me only to turn them against me and discard me like a piece of trash. I hate how she toyed with my heart just for ___s and giggles and I hate how I know she is doing it this very second with a ton of other gullible guys.

She has literally left my life in ruins. And my trust in other people is shot. I feel like I see BPD women everywhere. Just one little sign of disrespect or drama on their behalf and I judge them BPD and get the hell out of there! I know this isn´t helping me move forward or get a larger social network, meet new women etc.

Some days I feel like the greatest sucker ever born. How could I not see all the signs? How could I be so stupid? How could I try and hold on even after the abuse started and why did I take it all while she was just enjoying it and probably bad mouthing me behind my back to her pack of guy followers.

She was the greatest ride I ever knew. In the good phase the love and connection was out of this world. I will never experience that again. I´m sure. I miss her so much so very much. Or the girl I thought she was. I am not the same person anymore as when I met her... . or rather when she pursued me relentlessly like a black widow spider and reeled me in her net.

I guess the lesson out of all this is: If something sounds or looks to good to be true (idealization phase, gorgeous 20 something model-looks girl worshipping the very ground you walk on) then IT PROBABLY IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!

I have learned alot of things out of this mess... . and yes even for all the hate I feel towards her some part of me also thinks she is the saddest girl I have ever known. Because she won´t change. Ever. Despite everything she did to me I´m sure she has the same dreams as everyone else and wants love and a nice relationship. I don´t think she will ever get it. She is too messed up. The problem is... . I want those things too... . this is the highest dream for many people: Love... . and she promised me all that... . but she never delivered... . she only abused and abused and abused... . she mocked me for giving her my love and opening my precious heart to her... . she dripped poison right in the core of my heart and she was laughing all the way.

For that I can never forgive her. And quite frankly it´s not my job to give her compassion or wish her a happy life. She never had compassion for me. And only wanted to destroy me in the end. In fact destruction was the aim from the very beginning. I realize this now  

I shudder when I think of her. I mean physically. At the end... . whenever I was dealing with her and I knew she was just setting me up for more devaluation and abuse... . I often kept repeating in my head the scene from Passion of the christ where Jesus is in the garden of gethsemane and he prays to god (Father rise up defend me... . save me from the traps they set for me)

In my version it was - as you can guess: Father rise up defend me, save me from the traps she sets for me.

I will never forget her. After all said and done I miss her terribly. I don´t know if life can truly continue without her. But it couldn´t continue with her either.

I´m not suicidal. Just incredibly sad. So sad tonight.

Sorry for the long post.

[cska]

I will never forget her. After all said and done I miss her terribly. I don´t know if life can truly continue without her. But it couldn´t continue with her either.

I´m not suicidal. Just incredibly sad. So sad tonight.

Yea man, I feel the same way. I definitely can't be with my ex, she will destroy me, but I'm so damn depressed, and I seem to not be able to enjoy life like I used to.

[Moonie75]

I've just sat here & read that twice. For the second read through I had tears in my eyes.

I don't know what to say other than you go steady & healthy big man. And it takes a big man to be so open & honest.

Thanks for sharing.

[Perfidy]

Dude... We have the same ex? Wow! I knew she got around!

[Clearmind]

But I guess it was because she kept dragging out the process for so long, for so very long. She kept coming back, torturing me brutally, giving me hope, only to again devalue me again and again and abuse me in ways the devil himself could only have master minded.

Yes IAD – and you played a role here…’she’ did what was predictable and you IAD placed your happiness in her hands without looking out for you.

We don’t get sucked in involuntarily and no one can be taken without your consent. If we continue to believe they did it to us we will remain attached – thoughts of revenge are common.

Some days I feel like the greatest sucker ever born. How could I not see all the signs? How could I be so stupid?

Often we feel intense self shame coming out of these relationships. We felt so vulnerable and rather than embracing those feelings and acting on it we dig ourselves deeper – we stayed – shame comes from lack of self worth, staying in a BPD relationships also illustrates a lack of self worth.

You are deserving of a good relationship with someone who will treat you well.  

I guess the lesson out of all this is: If something sounds or looks to good to be true (idealization phase, gorgeous 20 something model-looks girl worshipping the very ground you walk on) then IT PROBABLY IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!

Yep and I felt like Cinderella at the ball with my ex – he was very attractive. Yet we were incompatible. Often when we go for looks, its because we don’t feel we have value ourselves. We mirror someone’s attractiveness to help us feel whole.

Its shallow relating. When we work on self worth our dating circle opens right up.

hit_

My hope is – that you have learnt a valuable lesson to self trust and look out for those red flags and politely exit a relationship that is not fulfilling your needs. In order to do that you need to know what your needs in a relationship are.

Make sure the words = actions.

Things will get better – work on you because we place so much importance on how disordered person views us.

Awesome video: Power of Vulnerabilty - Brene Brown