It seems I am the one with the illness, not him

[Sango216]

Hello All!

I'm not sure if I should put this on "L3" or up here.  I guess towards the end this post becomes more about me taking responsibility for my role in all of this, so this seems like the right place.

Anyway, here it goes:

I haven't been here in a while (not sure if that's a good or bad thing), but I wanted to drop in.  I've been doing alright.  I believe I posted it here, but I did break no contact with my suspected BPD ex-bf on my birthday in late June.  He apologized for all that he had done (but did not really own up to the emotional/verbal abuse).  He actually said "I think for a person to let comments like that get to them, that's stupid.  It's like cyber bullying."  Anyway, for a second, I thought we could be friends.  Of course, we could not.  Since then, we had been communicating randomly via text.  I grew upset because deep down I was still drawn to him, and wanting to talk to him all the time.  I felt as if he was ignoring me and it hurt a lot.  It got to the point where I e-mailed him and spilled a bunch of information to him that I shouldn't have, made myself look absolutely nuts.  I told him that I was sick of him ignoring me all the time, and I admitted that I knew what the woman he was dating looked like and where he had been with her, and that it wasn't going to work out (us being friends) because it still hurt too much and I was becoming someone I did not like.

He said he was shocked to hear that I was checking up on him like that and wanted to know what else I knew.  He said he wasn't dating her and that she was just a friend.  Then the conversation took a turn and we ended up talking about random stuff and laughing everything off.  That happens a lot.  I write to him to say "We can't talk anymore" and then we still end up talking.  I realized if I ever want to put a stop to everything, I needed to stop reaching out, no "announcement" necessary.

We've had many arguments since then, the last one being a couple of weeks ago.  I had stopped texting him for about a week and he had reached out to me twice.  Once on a Sunday to say good morning and then again on a Friday night (this was when we last spoke).  He asked me what I was up to and I asked him the same.  He said he was in his room.  I said "Hmm…who can I text who will always respond," basically suggesting that he only talks to me when he is bored.  He got upset and quickly said "Bye Sango."  I told him I was kidding and he said "No you aren't.  You always do that."  We continued talking and that's when it started…he started being nasty to me for no reason.

I told him this story and he did that thing I hate "Cool story…" basically brushing me off.  I told him that it was rude for him to do that because it seems as if what I have to say is insignificant.  He said I was being dramatic.  He just always does that to me, he wants to talk but everything he has to say is more important that what I have to say.  And he finds my "stories" annoying.  Then he finally admitted it:

Him:  I choose to treat you this way because you hurt me.  I don't want to get attached or get closer to you because of what happened in the past.  Plus I have someone here who I like a lot and I don't want to mess that up with her.

Me:  Why contact me at all then?  I was doing fine not talking to you (lies…although I was doing slightly better).  Why go out of your way to push me away and be nasty to me?    I would NEVER do that to you.

Him:  Because I slip up and text you when I shouldn’t.

Some other stuff was said that I can't remember.

Me:  I'm done trying to force myself into your life.  I am surrounded by people who love me and I'm going to focus on that versus someone who obviously doesn't care to treat me right.

Him:  I'm glad you've been doing better.  It didn’t take me nearly as long but I definitely had my time.  I just really like my friend and I can't get attached to you again.

I said some other stuff because I was hurt by that (him saying he really liked her over and over again).  Towards the end of the conversation he said something like "This is why we can't be friends.  You always go on your rants."  I said something else and he goes "This is where you get the text message saying "Okay." as if he doesn't care.  He also mentioned that I'm "everything he wants in a woman, but this isn't what he needs in his life right now."  He said he's young.  He should be having fun, going out, making mistakes, etc.  We couldn't work out at this point in time.  The thing is, I didn't want to be with him.  I knew in my mind if we got back together, he'd treat me horribly like he had in the past.  I just wanted him to stop being nasty towards me and to stop making me feel so….insignificant if that makes sense.

I didn't have much to say at this point and I wanted to hurt him, so I told him "I used to think when you told me you were dating someone else, I'd be hurt and want to die, but the fact that she is ugly makes it a lot easier."  Horrible, I know.  He said "The fact that you just said that…bye."  I told him goodbye and he said "You've got some nerve calling someone ugly."  I put "Ha" and sent him a smiley and that was it. 

So immature.  So dumb.  So…everything.  I shouldn't have said what I said.  It was wrong to attack her.  I even lost a good friend over it, someone I met here on BPD Family.  She couldn't handle it…seeing me waste all of the potential I had to do better and giving in the way I did. 

Since that night, I've still been struggling with checking in on him (although I don't obsess over it all day like I used to).  He recently put his page on private and so has his new friend.  I can't look anymore.  I shouldn't have looked in the first place. 

Reading all of this, it seems as if I'm the one with the mental issue, not him.  Obsessing over someone who treated me the way he did (emotional/verbal abuse), cyber stalking, etc.  I don't like this person.  I have been going out and doing a lot of random things that I never would've done months ago.  I turned 21 so I started drinking here and there.  I probably won't drink for a while now.  I get no enjoyment out of it because it tastes disgusting.  I tried hookah (absolutely disgusting…never again), and I met some cool guys through a friend.  It won't go anywhere though.  I'm not ready to date, not when I feel like this.  I feel like I'm having some sort of identity crisis though.  Sometimes when I go out, I do things and I wonder what my ex would think of it.  "Oh, he'd be shocked to see me drinking."  It's like I do stuff with the intentions of showing him "I can be fun too!  I'm not the baby he always made me out to be."  As crazy as this sounds, I think them putting their info on private will be good for me.  I can't see anything, and eventually it'll get to the point where I'll stop checking.  If he takes his info off of private, I'll have no idea because it won't matter anymore.  I definitely want to start going back to therapy, and on a weekly basis, not just when I feel super down.  I want to get to a healthier place. 

My apologies for the rant!

[MaybeSo]

I think most of us went through a unhealthy addiction to our ex's and when you are in your addiction cycle it can look and feel pretty yucky.

You are only 21... . many of us here are in our 40s and 50s... . and our behavior with ex didn't look terribly mature, either!

I think this is a time to be compassionate with yourself and learn from this setback. What does this setback tell you about your needs? How do you want to proceed going forward?

[Sango216]

MaybeSo,

I definitely want to put this all behind me, and there is no way I can do that by maintaining contact with him.  Sometimes it feels as if this "addiction" is wearing off, but there's a part of me that is holding on anyway (me looking to see what he is doing).  I want to stop this.  He doesn't matter anymore.  What matters is my well-being.

[seeking balance]

I think you summed it up well - immature

Look, there are times we act ridiculous and the only thing we can do is take inventory.  You are doing that here.  Healthy people do this.

The lesson in this - he does not bring out your best self - that simple.

Since then, we had been communicating randomly via text.  I grew upset because deep down I was still drawn to him, and wanting to talk to him all the time.

Kudos to you for being honest here.  Rarely can we be friends with someone when we want more - BPD or not.  It is just a hard position to be in.  As such, accepting our own limitations and acting accordingly is how we don't end up going down the path you found yourself on. 

This is no different than MaybeSo mentioned - an addiction.  If you are an alcoholic and start with drinking again only a single beer.  After time, an alcoholic will drink more - it is the addiction. 

So, you learned the lesson - a gauge of who he is for you - it is not the end of the world.  Let yourself grieve, let go of fantasy's about him and forgive yourself.

Peace,

SB

[rosannadanna]

What you wish:  to talk to him all the time

What is reality:  communicating randomly via texts

The space between: suffering

If you continue to communicate with him in a way that makes you unhappy but hoping that it will change into something that will make you happy, you will continue to suffer.

If you continue to communicate with him with the acceptance that this is they way you are communicating right now, with no expectation for change in the future, you will not suffer.

Are you able to do the second option?

If you are not, I suspect that your hope for change, as well as your addiction/attachment is keeping you stuck.

I know my attachment to my BPD feels like a primary attachment, which extremely compelling and difficult to detach from.  It is a painful process that you have to be an active participant in, so take your time and don't judge yourself for having a difficult time with it.

Take care  

[Sango216]

Seeking balance:

Yes, I have seen that communicating with him only causes me to act out in ways that I am not proud of.  The two of, we bring out the worst in one another, and I'm over it.  I thought today would be tough since it is his birthday (technically it's his birthday where he is right now), but I'm doing alright!  Thank you for your support!

[Sango216]

rosannadanna:

I have accepted that we cannot talk anymore, which is why I have not contacted him since our last argument.  That was weeks ago so I'm doing alright.  I guess I was just nervous about what I would do seeing as his birthday is so close.  I don't see myself reaching out to him so I feel good about that.  Thanks for your response!