One year NC

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Well, I am now one year NC with the BPD.

I haven't posted much on any of these other boards except for 'Taking Personal Inventory' as I don't yet see fit to help others when I am still trying to figure out what happened myself and feel I've made a muck of things.

But the main reason is that I don't want to talk to him, want no contact from him, don't want to ever have him in my life again.  Maybe the first couple of weeks I did but it was also laced with anxiety that he would.  NC was not difficult for me once I realized how messed up our relationship was.

I would be telling a lie if I said everything was peachy-keen now.  I'm still struggling and sometimes, looking back, I'm not sure that I've really gained anything during the course of this year.  All I can do is try to find myself.

So I just wanted to say thank you.  I've been on this board longer than this year and I can not even thank you enough for the support, kindness, and clarity you have given me.

Truly, thank you.   

sheepdog

[sheepdog]

Well, I am now one year NC with the BPD.

I haven't posted much on any of these other boards except for 'Taking Personal Inventory' as I don't yet see fit to help others when I am still trying to figure out what happened myself and feel I've made a muck of things.

But the main reason is that I don't want to talk to him, want no contact from him, don't want to ever have him in my life again.  Maybe the first couple of weeks I did but it was also laced with anxiety that he would.  NC was not difficult for me once I realized how messed up our relationship was.

I would be telling a lie if I said everything was peachy-keen now.  I'm still struggling and sometimes, looking back, I'm not sure that I've really gained anything during the course of this year.  All I can do is try to find myself.

So I just wanted to say thank you.  I've been on this board longer than this year and I can not even thank you enough for the support, kindness, and clarity you have given me.

Truly, thank you.   

sheepdog

[Relentless]

Did he try to contact you?

[sheepdog]

Relentless - nope.  And I never tried to contact him.

[StarStruck]

Hi Sheepdog,

Congratulations on a year and all your hard work!

I think you will start to find yourself from here onwards, see the last year as a good solid foundation.

Have you done the usual... . changed your number, deleted his, etc?

Someone told me once - never, ever go back. (The times I have, I regretted it).

& hopefully you will never have the misfortune to bump into him. I ran into mine 10 years later - I ticked myself off, for ever been involved with the prat - he was an absolute wreck.


I second you on that one... . this board is just fantastic, sounds you have been on a real journey Sheepdog - Goodluck with the rest of it ... . the best bit!

[nolisan]

Congrats SD - good for you. My bet is that you have made more progress than you think you have.

[Moonie75]

Sheepdog,

Was it the first & only break up? Or the final nail in a coffin of many break ups?

And good on ya man for doing so well. Hats off to ya

[talithacumi]

Hey, Sheepdog - I remember you being here/active when I first joined this board a little over a year ago. So glad to hear you made it to one year NC. I just hit my six month mark last month, and, like you, feel I'm still struggling particularly with some of the core issues this whole thing raised/continues to raise for me.

You wondered if you've gained anything from having gone NC.

For me, I think the awareness that I AM struggling is one of the biggest things I've gained from it.

Having contact/interacting with him, especially after the break, became the only thing I was really willing/able to do. It was all I could think about. For the first year or so, like you, because I wanted to have some kind of meaningful connection with him given how long/much of our lives we'd shared with one another. Then, for the last year or so, because I didn't feel that way anymore - dreaded what he might say/do next to hurt me even if it was just to completely ignore me altogether - and had absolutely no idea how to make it stop that wouldn't ultimately just make it worse than it already was in the end.

Only after I finally felt physically safe enough to go/stay NC, did I start to realize just how much and in how many ways I'd been so negatively effected by my interactions with him - not only after he dumped me - but, more importantly, during the entire time we'd been together. How much I had been, and was still hurting. How deeply enmeshed and dependent on his interest, acceptance, validation, and approval I'd become. How lost I felt without those things. How difficult it was for me to know who I was, how I felt, what I needed/wanted. How big of an escape from those feelings contact/interaction with him had always provided. How much I missed having that escape. How hard it was for me not to at least WANT to escape that way again from having to feel those things and explore the reasons I felt them in the first place.

All of which has NOT made the last six months very easy or pleasant for me in a lot of really major ways.

I am struggling. Yes. But I know I'm struggling. I know how, and I know why. Which means I at least have the ability to start working on making the kind of changes in myself that will help me struggle less in the future without the demanding, all-consuming, compulsive, and constant distraction of the man/relationship/interpersonal dynamic that both brought me to, and simultaneously kept me from this place to begin with.

It is hope for something different/something better for myself that lies - not in someone else - but in me and this struggle itself for a change.

When I hit my six month mark, I wanted someone to give me a chip and celebrate with a home-baked chocolate cake like they do in AA. Sadly, the critical support I get here on these boards that helped make it possible for me to reach that mark in the first place only exists in cyberspace. No chip. No cake.

If I could, Sheepdog, I'd give you both so you'd have something tangible to remember and hold in your hand as a symbol of all you've accomplished over the last year when your head/heart have trouble seeing it for themselves because of what you're going through now.

Keep going through it. Keep struggling. You are soo worth it.

- TC 

[Surnia]

  sheepdog

A big   for this very special day!

And good to have you here.

I wish you for the next year peace strength and little things that make you smile.

[sheepdog]

Thank you so much, everyone!

You wondered if you've gained anything from having gone NC.

For me, I think the awareness that I AM struggling is one of the biggest things I've gained from it.

Only after I finally felt physically safe enough to go/stay NC, did I start to realize just how much and in how many ways I'd been so negatively effected by my interactions with him - not only after he dumped me - but, more importantly, during the entire time we'd been together. How much I had been, and was still hurting. How deeply enmeshed and dependent on his interest, acceptance, validation, and approval I'd become. How lost I felt without those things. How difficult it was for me to know who I was, how I felt, what I needed/wanted. How big of an escape from those feelings contact/interaction with him had always provided. How much I missed having that escape. How hard it was for me not to at least WANT to escape that way again from having to feel those things and explore the reasons I felt them in the first place.

All of which has NOT made the last six months very easy or pleasant for me in a lot of really major ways.

I am struggling. Yes. But I know I'm struggling. I know how, and I know why. Which means I at least have the ability to start working on making the kind of changes in myself that will help me struggle less in the future without the demanding, all-consuming, compulsive, and constant distraction of the man/relationship/interpersonal dynamic that both brought me to, and simultaneously kept me from this place to begin with.

It is hope for something different/something better for myself that lies - not in someone else - but in me and this struggle itself for a change.

When I hit my six month mark, I wanted someone to give me a chip and celebrate with a home-baked chocolate cake like they do in AA. Sadly, the critical support I get here on these boards that helped make it possible for me to reach that mark in the first place only exists in cyberspace. No chip. No cake.

If I could, Sheepdog, I'd give you both so you'd have something tangible to remember and hold in your hand as a symbol of all you've accomplished over the last year when your head/heart have trouble seeing it for themselves because of what you're going through now.

Keep going through it. Keep struggling. You are soo worth it.

- TC 

TC - WOW!   WOOW!   

Yes to all you said above.  Yes.  Yes.  YES.  A million times YES!

Thank you.