bounderies.

[mitchell16]

someone suggested as away fighting the urge to go back or make contact that we as non look at the relationship with the BPD and remind ourselves of the bounderies they crossed and we allowed them to. I think this is a good idea and its helped me daily stay away. Im still have my moments of anger with her but also with myself. At myself for allowing her to use me and treat me anyway she wanted to. I makeing a list of things that I allowed her to do to me as a reminder to myself of why I dont want to go back anymore. Being the weekend is coming up and its the hardest lonley time for me this is usually when I get my weakest.

allowed her to rage at me and scream at me without me removing myself from her presence. I would think if I left she would tell me I abonded her. In the early stages of the relationship she did this and I told her if she didnt get it under control I was leaving. She did calm down. The  next day she told me she had abondement fears and by me threating to leave that I was being mean to her and I should never do that to someone who had abondement fears. This backed me down, because I looked at as a phobia of types. In my minid I wouldnt torment someone who had afear of heights by making them climbing something high up. This worked to keep from me putting them in place.

allowed her to get away with lying to me. When I caught her in several lies on numerous occasions all she had to do was say she was sorry or blame it on me. Her favorite  was I love you too much to tell you the truth becasue I didnt want to hurt your feelings or her other one was You make it hard for me to tell the truth to you becasue you will twist what I say. hmmm. This was in reference to lieing to me about her ex contacting her for over a month, plotting a weekend get away to go met him. Of course it would be hard to tell me that in advance. But what was crazy was I asked her about it before it happened becasue i sensed it. I told her if that was it and she needed time to see who or what she wanted we could just break up and go our seperate ways and maybe get back togther later. but if we didnt have trust we didnt have anything. she denied it and said she just need space to think about things. Later I found out that things was her ex. I let her apolgies and tell me she did it for "us" so she could move forward with " us" and really know for sure Im who she wanted. I bought that crap and forgave her.

I allowed her, to insult me and trigulate with other men and people. she would always bring up an ex and I allowed her to get away with it. She would reference them when we had an argument. She would say I never had to do this with so and so. She often used her friends as a way of insulting me. She would say Ann, said you are to jealous and controlling. I would asked were did ann get that it and she would say she could just tell. It would make me angry or hurt my feelings. I wolld tell her I was going to speak to ann about this and she would beg me not becasue it would make her looked bad to ann. I would back down, but it worked becasue it made me feel bad that i was being accused not only by her but by her friends for something I knew wasnt true. When I asked her to explain why these people said that she never could. I didnt know about trigulation so I just thought it was crazy. but I started realizing when I said i was going to ask these people about what "they" said she stopped saying it.

I carried the whole relationship. I was afraid to tell her no, becasue I was afraid I would lose her or i would cause one of her many issues to flair up. Or I would be like everyone else putting her down. By being that away I allowed myself esteem to be taken away, allowed myself to be used, I allowed myself to be insulted and degraded. By reflecting on all this  has helped me to say no to her ever again. and get back me to the person i was before this hell.

[Lucky Jim]

I carried the whole relationship. I was afraid to tell her no, becasue I was afraid I would lose her or i would cause one of her many issues to flair up. Or I would be like everyone else putting her down. By being that away I allowed myself esteem to be taken away, allowed myself to be used, I allowed myself to be insulted and degraded. By reflecting on all this  has helped me to say no to her ever again. and get back me to the person i was before this hell.

Hey Mitch, You are in good company.  I suspect that virtually everyone who has been in a BPD r/s has walked on eggshells at one point or another due to the fear of the "flare-ups" that you describe, or fear of losing what seems like such an ideal partner at first.  And you're right, it takes a terrible toll on one's self-esteem.  It seems like you get the picture, and are striving to "get back to the person I was before this hell," which means to me that you are heading in the right direction.  Hang in there, Lucky Jim

[Validation78]

Hi Mitchell!

I know it hurts to remember the bad things, and can even make us angry. However, from my own experience, it can also keep us focused on ourselves while we heal and leave behind a relationship that was clearly unhealthy. Keeping the memories of the unhealthy part of the relationship helped me to feel unencumbered with fear, guilt and obligation (FOG) which was a  block to healing. As we move further from the toxicity, the FOG clears, and we can become what we are meant to be, and will attract what is healthy and good for us!

Best Wishes,

Val78