Addictions to Objects

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

i was playing that stupid candy crush saga game recently just to see what the big deal was and after you run out of lives you have to purchase more lives... . it hit me when i got my credit card statement and realize  i spent way more money than i even realized on this dumb computer game.

it also made me see how my BPDex was such an addiction. Mine was sort of a male waif, but there were constantly obstacles that he brought up calmly that basically implied it was over, unless of course i found some sort of quick fix resolution using my own resources to continue. like a video game the machine just keeps taking, but its kind of built that way, not its fault.

I realize the anger i feel is really at myself. After being with this person i gave up on my lifelong dream to move to colorado. I spent my savings, i cashed in my life insurance policy. Im now living at my parents house in my 30s, trying to start from scratch in a town in the middle of nowhere with no friends. When i was in the relationship and i had given all my resources i literally just wanted to sit and have a conversation about how it was time that he contributed because ive given everything i have to the relationship and i needed him to help more. this is when he basically told me game over- stonewalled. turned friends against me, called me crazy for being angry. He told me that he would rather be in a prison somewhere locked up alone rather than hear someone say mean things to him, and he said how was he supposed to know how much money i had.

He is built to be a taker. I evidently am built to be a giver, but it took this to realize what an addict i was. since he cannot take responsibility getting angry at him is like kicking the video game at the arcade for taking my quarters. i did it to myself.

Does anyone else see that this was an addiction for them? If you turn your BPD into some sort of Object, objectify them (For the sake of self realization, not to insult them necessarily) What object would they be and what was your role in interacting with them?

[Ittookthislong]

i was playing that stupid candy crush saga game recently just to see what the big deal was and after you run out of lives you have to purchase more lives... . it hit me when i got my credit card statement and realize  i spent way more money than i even realized on this dumb computer game.

it also made me see how my BPDex was such an addiction. Mine was sort of a male waif, but there were constantly obstacles that he brought up calmly that basically implied it was over, unless of course i found some sort of quick fix resolution using my own resources to continue. like a video game the machine just keeps taking, but its kind of built that way, not its fault.

I realize the anger i feel is really at myself. After being with this person i gave up on my lifelong dream to move to colorado. I spent my savings, i cashed in my life insurance policy. Im now living at my parents house in my 30s, trying to start from scratch in a town in the middle of nowhere with no friends. When i was in the relationship and i had given all my resources i literally just wanted to sit and have a conversation about how it was time that he contributed because ive given everything i have to the relationship and i needed him to help more. this is when he basically told me game over- stonewalled. turned friends against me, called me crazy for being angry. He told me that he would rather be in a prison somewhere locked up alone rather than hear someone say mean things to him, and he said how was he supposed to know how much money i had.

He is built to be a taker. I evidently am built to be a giver, but it took this to realize what an addict i was. since he cannot take responsibility getting angry at him is like kicking the video game at the arcade for taking my quarters. i did it to myself.

Does anyone else see that this was an addiction for them? If you turn your BPD into some sort of Object, objectify them (For the sake of self realization, not to insult them necessarily) What object would they be and what was your role in interacting with them?

[Undine]

I think that love can be an addiction- especially in a relationship with a pwBPD. I loved being adored and I loved it when we were in our magic little bubble together. But the flip side was really scary for me. I don't know if I can turn him into an object he loomed too large as a person in my life. When I read your post's title I thought it would be about how your pwBPD was addicted to objects. Mine actually was addicted to all his stuff. I really think he loved his house more than me! Anyway- it is really hard to find out that you have been used. I kept thinking that he actually felt what I felt & accepting that he doesn't is painful.Dealing with a waif is hard.They know exactly how to tug on our heartstrings and they fake emotions so easily. Anyway, this was probably not helpful but the bottom line is I feel for you and I think you are doing great-taking care of yourself as best you can. We all have been fooled by these people. I think the feeling of being addicted is universal when you've been involved with a pwBPD.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Hello it took this long:  I heard an elderly woman in our community say once about lessons learnt in life.  She said,  "The fish is fresh whenever you take it out of the water," meaning that it does not matter WHEN a person learns lessons that will improve life... . what matters is that the lesson is learnt and from now on, life can be better.

Our 80 year old mother is just starting to learn how to detach from our BPDSIL and other downers and drama mongers in our close-knit extended family.  She lost all her life savings, even her soc. sec accounts raided and at the age of 76, was literally kicked out of the house destitute.  My sister had to pick her up from the sidewalk.  Her clothes were thrown out of the house in a garbage bag which was laying next to her.  This is after teaching in a college her life time... . pension gone, gold jewelry gone, savings spent, property sold... . all to fund European vacations, top of the line Mercedes, a 3.5 million house, designer shoes and purses, first class travelling... .

She is learning now how to love with detachment... .

So, please be happy about the empowerment you have given yourself.  By acknowledging responsibility for your own decisions, you have finally understood that the power to choose resides in you.

Congratulations... . I am very proud of you... . 30's is a young age... . and there is never a wrong time to reinvent yourself... . create yourself like an artist would create a person.  Create yourself slowly, carefully, thoughtfully, systematically, with imagination and stubborn persistence... . to become the person you want to become.

God bless.

[Ittookthislong]

I love both your responses. waifs fake emotions?

I like the fish metaphor. still aches in my heart and sometimes I worry that I wont ne the same anymore. but your post was uplifting. its my choice

[Clearmind]

Absolutely it was an addiction. The ups and downs are addictive and when we are down we crave to be idealized once again. However being placed on a pedestal that high – there is a long way to fall and the fall is hard.

I enabled, I had no boundaries, I thought it was all my fault, I internalized my hurt, I negated my needs. I did treat my ex like an object – school project – I tried to change him every which way I could into something I wanted/needed.

hit_

My ex was also a waif and he had the pity plea down to a tee - not his fault - however it was mine for always jumping to his aid.

hit_

You will be stronger than before tookthislong - I had always carried around "my ways" of relating - it took me a huge wake up call - my ex - to really see it.

[Undine]

I don't know what I was trying to say with "fake emotions". I have friends who are waifs & I think they sometimes put on the emotion that they think they are supposed to display(?). That is part of their manipulation game. Also, they definitely fake the love part. I think all BPDs do. They have to because they don't know what it is. Every pwBPD in my life thinks what they feel is love when it is actually need. That IS their version of love. After all, they've heard about love all their lives so what they feel must be it, right? I think that is why they can abandon us so easily, if we are no longer meeting that need they must run off and find someone who can ASAP! Anyway, that was probably clear as mud. This was my 1st attempt to respond to someone else on this site so please pardon me if what I said sounded wrong or unhelpful. I am here trying to make sense of insanity like everyone else. :/

[charred]

Never thought of it before, but gambling is addictive and quite a bit of it is the intermittent reinforcement schedule... . you never know what you will get, you might win big or crap out. The r/s with a pwBPD is like that... at first you win, win, win, then it shifts to more and more like a roll of the dice or pull of the one armed bandit. You want to stop and cut your losses, but find yourself in the hole and still trying to put more and more in to the r/s ... . figuring surely it will pay off eventually. But for most of it, I don't think it does.

[laelle]

As long as we are comparing our exe's to slot machines... .

My ex was like a slot machine... . lots of talk about payoffs. He would give me nickles and dimes to keep me there, while I was throwing in dollars to keep him paying out the nickles and dimes.  I always ended up going home, broke, hungry and needing a drink.  You cant get a drink to save your life near the slot machines.  The waitresses know the tips suck.