It's crazy to think that she would find anything close to what I gave her

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've heard of the object permanency, yet I've read so many show up out if nowhere after weeks, months, sometimes years of NC or silent treatment.

I was amazing to my ex. Whatever she believes that painted me black, is misperception. I doubt seriously she will find another as dedicated AND loving as me. She is 28, her parents said she never talked about a guy (gushing) until me since high school. I know I was 110% to her. Best of the best.

She wants to wait till marriage for sex, she became religious again a few years ago... . And from her early days she has an STD.

I mean, there HAS to be a point where she at least says, "even if he made a mistake, wow, I really lost out on something great." Right? Even if it takes her dating lesser men... .

It's crazy to think that she would find anything close to what I gave and was capable of to her being her first truly loving adult relationship.

I'm struggling with 3 weeks of silent treatment, I stopped trying to contact her 5 days ago.

[Relentless]

I've heard of the object permanency, yet I've read so many show up out if nowhere after weeks, months, sometimes years of NC or silent treatment.

I was amazing to my ex. Whatever she believes that painted me black, is misperception. I doubt seriously she will find another as dedicated AND loving as me. She is 28, her parents said she never talked about a guy (gushing) until me since high school. I know I was 110% to her. Best of the best.

She wants to wait till marriage for sex, she became religious again a few years ago... . And from her early days she has an STD.

I mean, there HAS to be a point where she at least says, "even if he made a mistake, wow, I really lost out on something great." Right? Even if it takes her dating lesser men... .

It's crazy to think that she would find anything close to what I gave and was capable of to her being her first truly loving adult relationship.

I'm struggling with 3 weeks of silent treatment, I stopped trying to contact her 5 days ago.

[papawapa]

Yes she misses you.

[isseeu]

   Relentless

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I'm in a similar place-after two plus wonderful loving years with my undiagnosed BPD.  We didn't have any split ups, angry outbursts, mean exchanges-a short silent treatment or two from him and obvious down times but we worked through them and came out in a good place.  Over the fourth of July weekend-after two great days, he started to get dark and moody and to make a long story short, he had a meltdown and said some really mean things and decided "that's it, we're over"  I am still confused about what caused him to lose it-it had obviously been  building for some time and he really was trying to hold it together.

I'm reeling-it's been five weeks and I just now decided to stop trying to contact him.  We've had a few little exchanges but he ignores all of mine unless they are something related to the factual exchange of personal items. No angry or mean words have been exchanged since the break up-or whatever it was.  Family and friends loved him, everyone loved us together and they (and he) said he was happier than he had ever been in his life.

The silent treatment is hell-absolute hell.  I'm glad you found this board.  I'm new to it as well.  The support really helps.  Hang in there-you sure aren't alone.  Like you, I am trying to learn from others' experiences.  Right now, I'm trying to focus on myself and use this time to really reflect on what I gave and what I got (and didn't get) from that relationship.  I can't pretend that it's over in my mind... . I'm not there yet.

Take care of yourself. 

[isseeu]

and papawapa... . thanks for saying that.  If I didn't believe that my ex (or whatever he is) missed me on some level, I would sink into an even deeper depression...

[Moonie75]

I don't have BPD, but I'll tell ya quick story I'm not proud of!

Before i met the girl I married I dates a beautiful, kind, loyal & loving teacher called Sally. We were together for 5 years & I was never unfaithful. One day a different woman walked into my life & swept me right off my feet. I knew I had fallen for her straight away, so i got stuck into being emotionally unfaithful till i knew a physical relationship was a cert. Then I dumped sally & devastated her to her core. She even ended up on medication to deal with it all. I started seeing new girl (who became my wife).

I didn't look back once for the first 3 months & was totally immersed in my new love. Only after our first row did I give Sally a thought, then after that first one I thought of her more & more often when current relationship was in doubt. The relationship found it's feet again & we went on to get married & have a very happy 8 years.

Point I'm making is,  I did miss my ex who I unceremoniously dumped & shattered. But only when me & current gf were wobbling. I stayed loyal to the current girlfriend & we worked through it without me triangulating (read definition) us with an ex that could've been my 'blanky' in case me & new girl didn't work. My ex was left to get over our split & move on with someone else (and she was happy). But YES I missed the ex when I had doubts about my decision. But only then!

So your BPD ex will eventually miss you, but not until the bumps in the road come to her & new dude. She loves in a more intense way than we non's do so keeping it balanced is too much to ask & she can't do it. I believe That's when the triangulation (read definition) comes in & recycle attmepts while still with new guy start! Unlike us they NEED the 'security blanky' & hence they keep checking if we're there.

They do miss us yes, (because they loved us so intensely they couldn't manage it or balance it) . But only when the road got rocky elsewhere.

At a time when you've been totally loved up, have you ever missed an ex? I haven't!

But I have when I'm not happy. They're no different. They just don't manage it like we do.

[Moonie75]

WOW! 

[Relentless]

Wow, thx for the feedback. Much appreciated. Papa... . What made you so easy to say? I mean thank you.

I know in her eyes I did something terrible, but what I did was innocent.

I wonder if she will stop the silent treatment ever... .

Thanks again everyone... . I really needed that. Anyone else on a deeper scale regarding the missing?

[willtimeheal]

I have a question. My ex udBPD hasn't text me in 13 days. This is the the longest she has ever gone without contacting me. When she does contact me she says she has made horrible choices and hates herself for them and she is miserable (she got upset with me and left me for someone else. That someone  moved here to be with her and she doesn't want to hurt him by saying she doesn't love him.  She loves me or that is what she says).  Is she really miserable?  Does she really miss me and love me?  Or are those just moments of panic that set in.  I realize we will never be together and I struggle with it every day and it is so painful. But I wait and wait for those.messages. Is she capable.of missing me?  Does she eve realize i was part of her life or is she just in her be  life and I adjust a.memory every once and a while. She says she never loved anyone as deeply as me but yet she is.not with me. She chooses to stay with him.

[Moonie75]

I've concluded they lie minimum 50% of the time before they leave.

But that goes up after they've gone & the only truth you'll hear then is, "Hi, It's me".

[Relentless]

Aw! That's sad. I don't think they're all the same. I agree in general they tend to... . Be misleading. But I believe my ex loved me more than she ever loved anything... . I just don't know much more than that.

[papawapa]

I know it because I heard it from the horses mouth so to speak. I broke up with my uBPDgf at the end of may. We have had periods of limited contact and no contact since then. Right now we are on good speaking terms. She told me the other day she has missed me this whole time.

[cska]

She told me the other day she has missed me this whole time.

And you believe her when she tells you that? my ex would tell me the same thing after periods of NC, but I don't buy it.

[Emelie Emelie]

I think he misses me.  When he's been feeling vulnerable he has said I may not show it but I'm hurting and missing you too.  But I think he's very determined to be done with the relationship.  Not knowing why is hard.  Why after a year together. 

[papawapa]

Yes I believe her. She first told our son that she missed me.

[Relentless]

Today I found out from her room mate that she said she was done with me, and that it was a situation she didn't want to be in... .

She said that I was a great bf, and I did a lot of great things... . but I wasn't the guy she thought I was... .

WTH! Ugh, it hurts. I then found out she's been telling all her friends to not talk to me and said that she is scared of me etc.

Do they ever come back around after hit like this? (not necessarily romantically... . but at all? Will she split me white again after a long time of realizing she is blowing some stupid ass thing way out of proportion?)

I'm actually mad right now!

[willtimeheal]

I am sorry relentless. I am sorry that you had to hear all of that from someone else. My ex BPD told me she loved me and made a mistake by leaving and inviting another to move in with her. She cried and said she made bad choices and screwed up her life. That she loves me and wants to be with me. That's what she said to me. She was telling other people that she was so excited to start her new life with her new love. She couldn't wait for the fresh start with someone new. She told them I was begging her to come back to me.

Bpds will say and do whatever they need to fulfill their need at the given moment. They only feelings that matter to them are their own. Do I think she misses me?  I have no idea. Maybe at times when i can fill a need for her but when that passes I am starting to realize I am not even in her mind. She will split you white when she needs something and then split you black again when she is done with you.

[Octoberfest]

I am sorry relentless. I am sorry that you had to hear all of that from someone else. My ex BPD told me she loved me and made a mistake by leaving and inviting another to move in with her. She cried and said she made bad choices and screwed up her life. That she loves me and wants to be with me. That's what she said to me. She was telling other people that she was so excited to start her new life with her new love. She couldn't wait for the fresh start with someone new. She told them I was begging her to come back to me.

Bpds will say and do whatever they need to fulfill their need at the given moment. They only feelings that matter to them are their own. Do I think she misses me?  I have no idea. Maybe at times when i can fill a need for her but when that passes I am starting to realize I am not even in her mind. She will split you white when she needs something and then split you black again when she is done with you.

Everyone heed this- it is spot on.

We as partners fulfill a need.

Look at it as the relationships between hunger and food.  When you are hungry, you REALLY want food.  When you are full, you don't think twice about food.

It is much the same here.

I am not arguing that our partners did not love us for who WE are to some degree, but these relationships developed out of a need for them.  I know that I have looked at the guys my BPDex got involved with while with me and started relationships with, ones that she was all set to ride off into the night with and get married to, and honestly they started PURELY out of convenience.  There was no chemistry, no common ground, anything.  It is "lets start now and figure all that out later".  Honestly, it happened much the same way with her and I, except I made it clear from the get go that we would not be getting married.  When I look at the bigger picture of ALL the guys she has been with, there is no common theme.  She has been all over the board, attractive, ugly, douchey, smart, you name it.  Being in a relationship, having someone to love them, is a primal need, and they will do whatever to fulfill it

[Perfidy]

I've concluded they lie minimum 50% of the time before they leave.

But that goes up after they've gone & the only truth you'll hear then is, "Hi, It's me".



[/quote

  If my ex told me this I would ask for ID! Part of the ease in going no contact and burning the bridge is the fact that she lied so much. Not only did she tell lies she lived them. Amazing!

[Learning_curve74]

I am rapidly reaching the point at which I don't care what my BPDex said or thought. When somebody's actions don't back up their words then their words are just lies.

[Relentless]

I am rapidly reaching the point at which I don't care what my BPDex said or thought. When somebody's actions don't back up their words then their words are just lies.

I think I need to get to this point as fast as possible. I listened to a voicemail from the day before all this where she professed her love and told me I was the greatest thing ever... . EVEN IF I did something wrong... . A normal person would have talked it out... Or fought it out fairly.

I'm heartbroken and angry right now. Who knows if she will ever come back... . But it is truly her loss in the end.