Why am I STILL spending time on him?

[Notthesame64]

My question is this... the relationship is over.  I will never get closure or answers... I accept this.  I know I have been in a relationship with someone who suffers from BPD for almost 6 years and now it's been over for about 10 months.  I also know i would never go back! I have read several good books, talked with a psychologist... cried endless nights due to the loss... moved several states away... have move on in a very productive way in my professional and personal life... . so why am I STILL spending time on him?  The behavior that caused me so much anguish?  It's like I'm still trying to make sense of what happened... who cares? It's over... why can't I just get past this?  Can someone give me some light on this... . I feel the more I research, the more I read on his behavior the more I get frustrated with myself for giving him more attention than I have already invested...

[dangoldfool]

Have you moved on with a new relationships?

Sometimes I think to much knowledge about BPD is to much. I think when you find some significant other, the ex will be forgotten much easier.

[Notthesame64]

Lol dangoldfool... a relationship? Farthest from my mind! I couldn't even imagine caring for another at this point of time.  I have a lot to over come and a lot to let go... but I think you are right, to much knowledge can be a hinder rather than an asset.

[Perfidy]

Yeah I wonder about that myself sometimes. Would a new relationship do the trick? Well... . I have spent very little of my adult life without a relationship. I had always thought that I was pretty well grounded and that I had boundaries. I have had the strength to walk away in past relationships when I felt that my personal boundaries had been not respected. So I ended up going through one relationship after the next. Looking for my other half. One wife and a handful of girlfriends later here I am single again. This time I was the one got dumped. By the scruffiest little skank on the planet. So strange.I wonder now what the heck I was doing with her in the first place. Any way this time I did not enter into another relationship. I know it would just be a quick fix and then I would just be spreading my crap into someone else's life. I have dated but I don't want a serious r/s. Dating even was weird because I was honest with them. I told them that I was not over my ex. Like it wasn't obvious.

[GreenMango]

What does the therapist say about the rumination?

[alliance]

My take on this is in the beginning of the process of detaching, we need a lot of info to understand what we were dealing with. And we need support and validation for what we went thru.

For me, there came a point where reading about BPD, talking about it, even sometimes this web site, makes me feel like I am renting space in my head to my ex unnecessarily.

The less I read and talked and listen, the less intrusive the ruminations have become and the easier it is to turn them off when they do happen.

I am not ready to start a new relationship but I am enjoying getting to know new people and finding people who "fit" better with me.

[Notthesame64]

Well I know myself pretty well and like you perfidy I had one relationship after another.  My reasons were I had small children and I did want to be alone... as I grew older my needs changed and this last relationship was definitely different than the rest.  He reeled me in with guilt right off the bat... telling me he felt insignificant, thus playing on my heart strings... I'm here don't feel insignificant   . 

Now, I'm in a whole new time of my life... grown kids, great career, doing pretty good so the neediness in me is less and the self realization heightened... a relationship bounce is no longer a need nor a want.  I don't think I'm healthy enough to truly contribute to a loving relationship, so it would be unfair to him.  I would be like scrutinizing his every word, every move... are you BPD? That sounded like BPD to me ... I'm outta here!  Poor guy wouldn't even stand a chance. 

However... I do believe I am still looking for validation, thus on these sights and reading anything I can download to my IPad.  I think I am trying to still convince myself that somehow everything that went down was due to an illness... his MS, his personality disorder, his past... not by choices he made or myself... I still am protecting the abuser by trying to excuse his actions and behavior.  Hope that made sense.

[Perfidy]

I don't come here looking for many answers or any sense. I'm never disappointed. Lol ... Kidding sorta. I mainly come here to feel supported while I heal from the wounds being reopened from a failed relationship. She was like a predator. Used me for all she could then when it was no longer convenient she just walked away. We were actually treating each other better than we ever had. We were together short of eight years. She was diagnosed with a personality disorder but back then I really didn't think a whole lot about it. I stumbled across this site a couple weeks ago I guess. I was feeling so depressed and suicidal because the pain would just not let up and it had been months. I want it to end. She is definitely not worth it. I wanted to know why I felt like I do and by typing the way I felt into my browser it led me here. I read shell shocked. It's about BPD relationships. It described our relationship as though it were a script. Everything BPD was displayed in my ex. Everything. She became a monster in the end. Very sad but I loved her more than any other. It was like watching my closest friend die right in front of me. 

   My goal here is simple. I just want to feel better. It does make me feel better to talk about it and get the poison out. I am not looking for answers but I am learning. I am more or less just trying to survive the tragedy right now. I don't cry as much. I feel like crying a lot. So sad. Too sad. Grief in the pure form. The death of happiness

[Emelie Emelie]

Perfidy I don't think "months" is too long of a time to mourn an eight year relationship.  That's a long time.  I want the pain to end too.  When it gets overwhelming I come here.  (Been here a lot lately .  Sometimes I think too much.  Giving it too much energy.  I don't know.  It's all so freaking hard.  At first I was completely certain I would NEVER go back.  Now I just want the pain to stop and that scares me.  If he asked... . I feel like I might go back.  I don't care what anyone thinks.  (And my friends would murder me.)  I just want the pain to stop.  But then again I know if I went back the pain would never stop.  The other thing that scares me is it seems to be getting worse instead of better.  I think in the first few weeks I had some secret hope that we'd work it out.  I didn't acknowledge that but it was there.  The more time that passes the more I realize that's not going to happen. 

[Notthesame64]

Wow thank you so much you guys...  perfidy, there are no words to describe how incredible it is to have others understand what you went through and what you continue to struggle with.  You know they say, a woman's heart is as deep as an ocean... we'll I can honestly say for him it was... and like you perfidy, i loved him like no other too... . and like the pain you are feeling , I too just try to get through each day without the urge to call him, text him or break down and cry... it's hard.

I always say, it is when I can talk about him without tears rolling down my cheeks is the day I will know I am over this... so far 10 months later, I still cry.