Ex in a panic over leaving town - berates me while I am on date

[Hurtbad]

This is one for the books.  My ex, who is preparing to leave town to live with her new guy... . she is the one who  flew to another city to sleep with him three days after she said she wanted a break/she met him on Facebook... . called me demanding to speak with me.  She wanted to know why I was not available to talk to her.  She then berated me for saying I had to get back, because she was in a bad way over a problem with her new job.  She also was upset that I was going to spend the next two nights with my date.  she started in about how it was only four months since we broke up , how could I do that etc.   Woow.  She also is now wondering if she made a big mistake leaving me and planning to move to this other city.  She says I am the love of her life and she does not know if she can live without me.

Anyway, I was cordial but firm, yet I have a hard time being hard on her.

Any advice at this time would be welcome.  Needless to say I a proceeding with caution.

HB

[Perfidy]

It would be easy for me. I cannot return to my ex so that is out. You have both been with other people. You both have a brand new bag of stones to throw. Do you want that? She could very well use the new guy and your new flame against you. She could change her mind again... Umm... . What could POSSIBLY go wrong with that!  Seriously. If that's what you want go for it. Pain is a motivator.

[danley]

So it was okay for her to move on immediately to someone new and she expected you to deal with it. But yet you waited a few months to start dating and yet you are the bad person here?  Seems like she is regretting what she done to you and/or she is having issues with her new relationship. Or could be the classic... . not knowing what a good thing you had til it's gone. Nobody knows except her.

Well whatever the case may be, you have been going thru the healing process and have since moved on. This is a good thing. As far as I can see, you handled the situation well. You're making sure to proceed with caution. You haven't dropped everything to soothe or comfort her. You've done good. There's no reason to be hard on her... . Just firm and assertive.

[Octoberfest]

This is one of the trickiest parts of the BPD dance in my opinion... . holding THEM accountable.  

I cannot tell you how many times I took my BPDex back after finding out she cheated, or lied, or whatever else.  Each time it was "I get it now, I'm sorry, I love you, I'm ready to do this for real". And each time, I believed it because I SO DESPERATELY wanted it to be true.  

It is incredibly hard to say no to your BPDex... . it is almost like they have us under a spell. I return to my college town in 5 days and I have told most everyone I have talked to that I hope above all else that she stays away from me and my friends.  That she stays out of my life... . and a large reason for that is that I KNOW the kind of hooks she is capable of putting into me.  She knows me inside and out- she is the only one who does.  She knows how to press my buttons. I would not ever go back (and I have a small mob that would track me down and murder me I did), but that would not stop her from being able to really mess with my mood and happiness.

Of course the healing process is all about retarding the effects of her words and actions to a point where it doesn't affect me anymore, but in the meantime, I am vulnerable.  

Something that my therapist told me a while back that I think you may find applicable... .

I was discussing how I seemed to be carrying a ton of guilt over things that happened to my BPDex in her past (LONG before me, things I had NO hand in), guilt that was dragging me down and making me sad.  Sadness over the abuse she has been subjected to for much of her life... . Just general grief that this person that I loved has hurt like she has her entire life.

My therapist told me to imagine a scenario where I am handing her burdens back to her and telling her, "I respect you enough to give you back your pain"

That might sound counter-intuitive at first... . if you love and respect someone, shouldn't you want to take their pain away? Maybe, but that is not what is best for them.  You are only enabling them to continue running instead of stopping, turning, and facing their demons.  It is a hellish thing to do, but it is the only way to truly vanquish the pain and shame.  Like I said in another thread, pwBPD are adept at going AROUND the pain, or slapping bandaids on it in the way of new relationships, but the only way to get it to stop following you is to take the brunt of it and go THROUGH the pain.

I think this principal is applicable to your question and situation as well... . in this case, maybe think,

"I respect you enough, and myself enough, to hold you accountable for your actions".

Reengaging at this point only reinforces that her behavior is acceptable... . and it is anything but.

It is an incredibly hard and sad thing ( at least for me) to think that the relationship with our BPDex could actually be finally over for good... . In my case, how many times in the past did we say that only to reconcile?  Walking out of eachothers lives never even seemed like a possibility.  There was always something more, a next time. It is hard to conceive that any lessons we may or may not have imparted on our BPDex's may only be beneficial to the NEXT person... . that we will not be the ones to see the fruits of our efforts... .

That last little bit may just be because my relationship with my BPDex is the only relationship I have ever had  

Sorry for being long winded as usual, but hopefully something in here makes sense to you

[bpdspell]

Hurt bad,

Your ex is mentally ill and has successfully triangulated you to care about her life even when she's made the decision to try out new supply.

Hurtbad. I think you're having a difficult time creating boundaries with her because your challenges are two fold: you aren't accepting of her mental illness and you are allowing her to manipulate your emotions because you are still holding onto the hope that she will ultimately choose you over this new situation.

As for your date... . I don't think this post is really about that. It's about your inability to shut the door for good on a situation that allows you to hold onto whatever your BPD is willing to throw your way. You want her to care, you want her to come back and you want things to go back to the way they used to be. But they won't. She's BPD and as long as you aren't protective of your heart she will toss it back and forth over the net like a volleyball.

Can we make our ex's jealous: yes. When they don't have full complete control over us it can make them a bit possessive and territorial but those fleeting emotions will not be enough to make their mental illness disappear. At her core she will remain the emotionally stunted and unstable woman who cannot sustain intimacy or vulnerability.

If your ex is in a panic over leaving town that's her problem and I really don't know how you believe your helping her by listening to her unstable antics of indecision. You are not her rescuer nor life saver. She's an adult. Let her live with her consequences.

Besides... . What about your life? Your ex shouldn't even know that you are dating. Where are the boundaries? It honestly sounds like the both of you are playing ego games but I'll tell you this: you will never beat a BPD at their own game.

Spell.

[Hurtbad]

Spell and October etc.  Thank you. thank you all. Your posts were honest and helpful.  I do need to set firmer boundaries, Spell.  She knew I was on a date because when she called I wanted her to know why I could not talk,  But you are right, I think, about me wanting her to know that for ego or getting even... . whatever.  But I did not indulge her... . but I did feel some duty to help her, which is why I posted.  Your honest feedback is mostly on target and I have to firm up on boundary setting.  I am only good at when threatened directly, or when dared,but can be soft-soaped to death.  Your general sense of what the dynamic is is spot on.

I will keep you updated.

thnaks

Hurtbasd

[Hurtbad]

October... . I forgot to mention... . no need to apologize about being long winded.  these posts have really showed me how easily I can still be taken in etc.

thanks again.