list of unresolved issues from past 8 years

[standing firm]

So today was not good. My uBPDh son from previous marriage staying with us at present. He is 17 and upset at how his father treats me. But, of course, according to husband I am the cause of all the upset. Anyway big conversation after we came home from a less than fun family afternoon out about the usual - his dissatisfaction with our marriage and how I never want to discuss anything so issues are never resolved.

I ended up agreeing to do a list and he will do a list and we will go through them together. 

So, I am posting to see if anyone has any advice on how to proceed with this.

Interestingly during tonights conversation i became aware that he isn't interested in me as an individual and my issues, only in us as a couple. Our view of marriage is so different I don't know how we can improve the relationship.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SadWifeofBPD]

I ended up agreeing to do a list and he will do a list and we will go through them together. 

So, I am posting to see if anyone has any advice on how to proceed with this.

Gosh... . I wouldn't try this without a trusted 3rd party present... . like a T that you both trust. 

The reason is that you'll likely get nowhere with your list, and may not even get to really present you list, much less discuss it. 

IF you can't use a 3rd party, then each should agree to some FIRM ground rules... . such as:

taking turns, each spouse presents ONE issue and sticks to a limited time with a timer (maybe 5 minutes).

each spouse is given 5 minutes to respond.  The response should include some words that indicate that the spouse has heard and understands the complaint.  Some validation should occur. 

and so forth.


I think it would also help that the issues be typed out and then given to each other AFTER the discussion.  Not before, because the list will be a distraction.

[Cipher13]

I have been burned by lists. Infact they are for me not W. In the end if I have not lived up to them exactly at every moment I might as well have never done anything on them any way. 

Interestingly during tonights conversation i became aware that he isn't interested in me as an individual and my issues, only in us as a couple. Our view of marriage is so different I don't know how we can improve the relationship.

Thnak you for posting this. I'm sure you just happen to notice this but until you just posted it I didn't realize this for myself. It was not until I read this that I feel the same way. My W sees me as a relationship not as a separate person. I need to "fix" me for the relationship. Fortunatly our viw of marriage are similar but I can separate the relationship and the individual. She does not.  Thank you for that post it wass most helpful to me.