How do you get your spouse to realize/admit he/she's got BPD?

[Viso]

I wonder... . for all those out there getting the blame from your spouse as if you are the only contributing factor to the relationship breakdown and really it is because your spouse has BPD.

Would you somehow suggest to your spouse that he/she's got BPD and that's why the relationship is always like a roller coaster?

My H has BPD, well not diagnosed but a few counsellors and psychologist that I worked with said he has the traits. My H has a very strong character where he is never at fault so it is very hard to get him to see any professional or accept that he has a problem. Only managed to get him to go to a family counsellor once and after that, he decided he doesn't have a problem and never went again. So does this mean there is no hope to getting him to realize he is a big part of this relationship breakdown?

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[DreamFlyer99]

I think it's part of the disorder to think they're always right... . I've found the same thing with my uBPDh. And as far as letting them in on "the secret"  my T doesn't seem to think that works, it's more about learning how to modify/change our own responses to them that may effect a change in how they respond to US.

With my H i'm pretty sure that since he can't stand to be the one at fault, telling him it's his disorder that's got us on the roller coaster would be counter-productive.

There's a link--let me find it--about just that question, tho: Helping a loved one with BPD seek treatment

and OH! I haven't seen this one, I need to go read it: Take the First Step Toward Improving Your Relationship [NEW]

For me the road trip has mostly been about learning what I can do to better my own mental health in the relationship. And i'm still reading reading reading on this site and learning, and practicing... . it's super helpful for me.

hope those are good links for you, if not there are plenty more things to read around here!

[Wanda]

let the phyciatrist tell him, because if you tell him it could all back fire... leave it to the professionals, my husband use to and still does blame me for everything he to is undiagnoised and to tell him which i did tried  many years ago so did the therapist didn't work.

we just stopped going to therapist. he is very high functioing.

  when it gets to much just take that time out for yourself... and read about BPD the lessons and such   

[Cipher13]

I have thought abouthtis also. My T mentioned it to me to think about but to look at it carefully. I have found that from what I have seen few suggest it. I fear it also and thats why I have asked before if this was a good idea or even possible.  When its all our fault you can not possibly suggest that they look at it as theres. They are dealing with feelings and there feelings point at us not themselves.

Logically thinking I thought if I could just get w to T it would and could be better. Wishful thinking.  I have learned alot of how to interact with her. Its supper hard and taxing. I kind of don't see the results yet. I am still haning in there for soem type of break through. 

We wen tot family counsleing before for years. The T ended up talking mostly about her anxiety issues. BPD never came up then. My current T was able to suggest it to me based on what I was explaining to him.  I told him after he mentioned it that I also suspected it but since I am not Dr what do I know.

[Cipher13]

I am going back to the old T that we went to... . (long story short my current T wasn't "fixing me".  I want to discuss the same type of Red Flags but don't know how to approach without it getting back to W right away. It may not and eventually I think it should.  The probelm is that in our past I commited a wrong and pay for it severly to this day no matter how often I apologize and try to own up to it.  (FYI it was not an afair. But might as well have been.)

I'm at a total lose how to communicate. She can bring up stuff that I don't know how to defend of deflect or respond to.  Thus goin to the old T. She knows W and I where as my new T I have only seen for 4 months.   

[DreamFlyer99]

i feel like with my H that it's not just about being "right"it is almost MORE about not being "wrong", you know? If they are young emotionally and use grown up tantruming to try to get their way, it's like that stubborn thing that 2 year olds like to do with just saying "NO!" Like they think if they just say the same thing long enough the other person will give in and give them that cookie (or admit they are totally at fault.) Yunno? That's why we can't approach things the same way with them, i think--they're coming from a different, childish place in their brains when they're all heated up. All my thinking that "if i could just explain" just added fuel to the fire! :P

Viso, have you read "The Lessons" to the right in the sidebar? They made so much sense to me and helped me have a clearer idea of where things were coming from. When my H was acting like a madman and i felt so emotionally hurt by him and "how can he treat me like this?" really he was acting like a child reacts to a bully who was attacking HIM.

i was initially offended when i read "Before you can make anything better you must stop making it worse."  I thought, what am I doing wrong? he's the one doing all the yelling!

... . and then i started reading. And the light came on.  And i'm still reading and learning and practicing. And if my H responds, well that's his deal, i can only work on myself. So i'm becoming a stronger, wiser person, and how can that be a bad thing?

This one is a good place to start, it's a simple tool for communicating in a much more useful way:

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Of course we'd all like to be able to send the pwBPD to the therapists to be dealt with there, but till the person wants to go because they want to improve their own life, it's just not gonna happen. i was so jazzed when my H wanted to go to therapy! and then he went and didn't talk about anything and decided the guy wasn't doing him any good.

So we work on our skills!

i still struggle with the stuff SAdWife said about the name calling and insulting... . like, i don't know how to let it go... . but i will get there. i'm working my way slowly.

When you've looked at that link, Viso, i'd like to know what you think!

df99

[Viso]

DreamFlyer99: Thanks for the video on communicating. This is one of the thing I really have to work hard on. My counsellor has said the same thing to me but I am just really bad at that. Everytime when it gets to this situation, I will forget these "better" way of communicating. And I know this is a total trigger point for my H cuz he always say that I deny everything. And it's true because I always say "No, it is not true... . I actually feel this way." Bad way to phrase things... . I will keep reminding myself to change! Just need to somehow get him responding to me first now. He is in the "I don't care" mood, where really seeing him putting up an angry face and purposely not respond to me (even if he does say something, it is some really hurtful words)... . makes me feel devastated why he has to make himself so angry.

I think I am going to drop the thought of going to a T. I think it will just backfire.

I am feeling weaker and weaker day by day... . with him treating me this way. just frustrates me everytime he doesn't respond but talk to me when he wants me to do something for him... .

[Falmar1010]

Viso,

   My SO and i have been together for over 19 years now.  I knew about her past and quickly realized that there were issues.  Over the years, admitting that there was a problem was impossible and not advised by T.  I tried "tricking" her into therapy by doing marriage counciling.  Long story short, she hit rock bottom last year and i had to bring her to the hospital for her own safety.  I guess what I am saying is that, everyone will be different and I really don't think that any one with BPD will admit to it.  I do not wish upon anyone what i went through but sometimes that is the only way.  I refused to change because I believe that that would be enabling the issue.  There are ways to talk to people affected by BPD but the issue will not go away by you changing.

Chin up and be proud, you have come this far.

[Cipher13]

pwBPD really don't want to know the facts.

Facts conflict with how they feel. The feeling is what is true.

Everytime when it gets to this situation, I will forget these "better" way of communicating. And I know this is a total trigger point for my H cuz he always say that I deny everything. And it's true because I always say "No, it is not true... . I actually feel this way." Bad way to phrase things... . I will keep reminding myself to change!

Me too. My fisrt instict is to correct what is wrong and say no its not that way... its this way.  Or that sometimes doesn't mean always.  Its all about asolutes. Its "always" or "never"... Its very hard to stop yourself in that moment and say to yourself you have to change how you want ot say this... . sometimes the pause gets there attention while you are remebering how you need to phrase you next comment and it ends up goin 1 of 2 ways. For me the pause or silence is not always met with a positive result. Just have to be better at knowing what to say sooner.

Its work and its exhasuting.

[mcc503764]

Would you somehow suggest to your spouse that he/she's got BPD and that's why the relationship is always like a roller coaster?

The reality is this... . it is not your place to make an accusation of this nature.  Coming from you, this will probably make your H defensive and I don't see anything positive coming from that... .

If you are in therapy, I would suggest having a private conversation with your T and express your concerns.  Let the T take the lead on this one... .

Coming from a T, who is an impartial 3rd party, it is much more credible.  If this were to come from you, your H may see this as an attack, become defensive, and shut down?

Bottom line... . it takes two.  Focus on what YOU can control, which is YOURSELF and YOUR response to his behaviors... .

In reality, that's all we can do!

Good Luck

MCC

[Viso]

About the "Pause"... . I always pause because my mind couldn't work as fast as his words because half the time things he says make no sense. Whenever I pause, my H would be like "see, you have nothing to say, so i am right. All you are thinking now is how you can make up something to blame it on me or someone else".

Well I am the only one at the counsellor now cuz obviously my BPD H feels he has no issues and do not need to be seen. I have started reading "Walking on Eggshells"... . and oops... . I just remembered I left it by the bed this morning. Oh well, I don't think he will be interested in what I am reading and wouldn't understand what that title means cuz his english is not that good.

[mcc503764]

About the "Pause"... . I always pause because my mind couldn't work as fast as his words because half the time things he says make no sense. Whenever I pause, my H would be like "see, you have nothing to say, so i am right. All you are thinking now is how you can make up something to blame it on me or someone else".

Well I am the only one at the counsellor now cuz obviously my BPD H feels he has no issues and do not need to be seen. I have started reading "Walking on Eggshells"... . and oops... . I just remembered I left it by the bed this morning. Oh well, I don't think he will be interested in what I am reading and wouldn't understand what that title means cuz his english is not that good.

Remember, "you can lead a horse to water, but you cant make them drink!"

You will drive YOURSELF crazy trying to decipher them, and at the end of the day, ask yourself this... . where will you be?

Point is, you cannot possibly try and fix something when the other person wont acknowledge their part in the dynamic.  It's impossible and it's miserable when the person that you love wont even make a half-ass effort to work on things.  They are sending the silent message that they don't care enough nor value the r/s enough to try!  Trust me, I have lived it for years and eventually you cant take it anymore!

Let me ask you this... . what are you doing for YOURSELF right now?  We all too often lose our own identity and ourselves trying to convince the other person that there is a problem!

[Viso]

mcc503764: Well, that's how I feel sometime... . that there is no point of continuing this relationship if he will never see that he is the key to this breaking down. And yes it hurts really much not feeling loved and no effort to making a change. I am not sure how long I can hold up for but I want to try... . cuz I love him and the kids are still young. I think I have past the stage of losing my identity... . he made me seemed like such a bad person and said that I have mental health issues. So I have been seeing the psychologist and counsellor. They have reassured me and helped me to cope with this... . so at this moment, I don't think I will try to get him to a T cuz there is no point and may just backfire.

[DreamFlyer99]

I was just re-reading this and saw what Falmar said:

I refused to change because I believe that that would be enabling the issue.  There are ways to talk to people affected by BPD but the issue will not go away by you changing.

I felt like that, like "what? You're telling me I should be validating to HIM when he's been such an ___ to ME? I should be re-learning communication skills when he so obviously has the problem?" Yup. Been there.  And like the second part of that, I had to settle in my own mind that I will help ME by changing my ways of communicating, but he won't suddenly stop having BPD traits.

What my new skills WILL do though is help ME have more peace of mind in knowing i'm doing all I can do to have positive input in my marriage. I guess that matters to me because i'm one of those people who can't give up until no matter what I do things are not gonna get better. The Boundaries workshop https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries  msg581650#msg581650 made for great reading for me because it helped me solidify what is important to me as a separate person from our couple-hood.

Also, once I learned about what Projecting was, the mean stuff my H said made so much more sense to me, so this could be helpful: BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

Every single thing I did that helped me understand the dynamics behind the words and actions of my H helped me get that much more clarity about who I really am and what matters to me, and what I am and am not willing to deal with.

Keep reading, there's a lot to get through, but each piece of knowledge helps put the puzzle of BPD together. That's key to our own mental health.

[GreenMango]

Whenever I pause, my H would be like "see, you have nothing to say, so i am right. All you are thinking now is how you can make up something to blame it on me or someone else".

He can believe whatever he likes.  Guess what you are entitled to your own beliefs too.

When we stop letting the reality of someone who struggles with BPD defining out reality things get better.  Belief in yourself goes a long way.  With it comes sure footed-ness and courage.

Do you want to let this person lead you?