Verbal Abuse journey continues

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

When my journey ended with my BPD/Nxh, I was/am strong enough to keep and continue to enforce my boundary of no contact. I communicate simply and effectively with BPD/Nxh about kids matters when required and create as much emotional distance as I can from him the rest of the time.

I consider myself a survivor and I know that I will never accept that behaviour in my life again, because I know it was not my fault and I didn't deserve the anger and the pain that was being directed at me.

Last night I had a conversation with my best friend via texting. She is at home with her husband (#3) and their 1 year old baby and her 8 year old from a previous marriage. H3 is kind and considerate, needs his space and is stubborn. What I didn't know, and what I learnt last night, is that he is verbally abusive and it is getting worse.

It was confronting to read her text messages to me knowing her H3 was most likely in the house too. I grabbed one of my Patricia Evan's books and texted her the blub... . Does this sounds like him: Always needs to be right; Tells you who you are and what you think; Implies that you're wrong or inadequate when you don't agree; Feels attacked when questioned; Doesn't seem to really hear or see you?

She said "OMG that is exactly what he does, I feel like crying".

I asked if she had been threatened and she said no. I asked if he had physically he harmed her and she said no. I know that verbal abuse is just as destructive, if not more, but I wanted to make sure she was safe first. He is making things difficult with her family whom she has always been very close to. She's been holding back from me too. Alienation?

I know some people can change. I have suspected that his mother has BPD as well as Bipolar which she was diagnosed with. He let his mum back in their lives when they had a baby so I guess that hasn't helped things either. I also think his dad is Narcissistic, or at least has some of the traits.

I am struggling to find the balance to help her get strong in her marriage, so that she can be ready to make whatever decision she needs in the long run. She doesn't want to fail in her third marriage and she has the kids to consider too. I want to see her in a healthy marriage, not an unhealthy one.

She's been holding back from speaking with me and I've just waited until she was ready to talk. She hopefully is ready to talk some more. It's bringing up feelings for me about my past and how it felt to be treated that way. I had locked down so many memories but I know that I'm in a better place to deal with them now. It often feels like someone else's story to me now, not so much my own. I can feel the emotional distance that I have created to cope.

Sigh. Why are there so many disordered people?

[Forward2free]

When my journey ended with my BPD/Nxh, I was/am strong enough to keep and continue to enforce my boundary of no contact. I communicate simply and effectively with BPD/Nxh about kids matters when required and create as much emotional distance as I can from him the rest of the time.

I consider myself a survivor and I know that I will never accept that behaviour in my life again, because I know it was not my fault and I didn't deserve the anger and the pain that was being directed at me.

Last night I had a conversation with my best friend via texting. She is at home with her husband (#3) and their 1 year old baby and her 8 year old from a previous marriage. H3 is kind and considerate, needs his space and is stubborn. What I didn't know, and what I learnt last night, is that he is verbally abusive and it is getting worse.

It was confronting to read her text messages to me knowing her H3 was most likely in the house too. I grabbed one of my Patricia Evan's books and texted her the blub... . Does this sounds like him: Always needs to be right; Tells you who you are and what you think; Implies that you're wrong or inadequate when you don't agree; Feels attacked when questioned; Doesn't seem to really hear or see you?

She said "OMG that is exactly what he does, I feel like crying".

I asked if she had been threatened and she said no. I asked if he had physically he harmed her and she said no. I know that verbal abuse is just as destructive, if not more, but I wanted to make sure she was safe first. He is making things difficult with her family whom she has always been very close to. She's been holding back from me too. Alienation?

I know some people can change. I have suspected that his mother has BPD as well as Bipolar which she was diagnosed with. He let his mum back in their lives when they had a baby so I guess that hasn't helped things either. I also think his dad is Narcissistic, or at least has some of the traits.

I am struggling to find the balance to help her get strong in her marriage, so that she can be ready to make whatever decision she needs in the long run. She doesn't want to fail in her third marriage and she has the kids to consider too. I want to see her in a healthy marriage, not an unhealthy one.

She's been holding back from speaking with me and I've just waited until she was ready to talk. She hopefully is ready to talk some more. It's bringing up feelings for me about my past and how it felt to be treated that way. I had locked down so many memories but I know that I'm in a better place to deal with them now. It often feels like someone else's story to me now, not so much my own. I can feel the emotional distance that I have created to cope.

Sigh. Why are there so many disordered people?

[MaybeSo]

I am struggling to find the balance to help her get strong in her marriage, so that she can be ready to make whatever decision she needs in the long run. She doesn't want to fail in her third marriage and she has the kids to consider too. I want to see her in a healthy marriage, not an unhealthy one.

Be careful, this is her third marriage. There is a pattern here, and you aren't going to be able to rescue her.

She has to want to rescue herself.

I always hesitate to get too directly involved in labeling a person's partner as abusive etc., cause sometimes they end up in a honeymoon stage and decide during a moment of bonding that you're a trouble-maker.   

I think the best bet is to stand back and validate her experience by listening and offering empathetic support that assumes she is able to figure out what she wants to do to help herself... . I know where focusing on HIM as the problem leads... . we just start going round and round on a drama triangle. Being supportive generally assumes the person is capable and already has the answers, you are just there to support her in finding her own way.  You don't have to rescue her.  You can't anyway, as much as you might want to.

Sigh. Why are there so many disordered people?

It is what it is!

[dharmagems]

I agree with Maybeso.  I remember how I had to leave my xBPDh, and it had to come from me.  It is only me who knows what happened from my point of view with him.  I had to finally decide what to do and do it alone.  I also had to face a lot of fears and old childhood wounds.  It it the hardest thing to do, and it is a gentle recovery process, but this is what it takes to confront myself and heal.  Luckily, I've recognized some newfound strengths I had.  I know we can try to fix or have them change even when we see them in trouble, but they've got to do it for themselves.  Think on how you moved on from your BPDx.  I'm guessing you had to do it by yourself.  As hard as it might be, everyone has their own path. 

[Cumulus]

I agree, if anything at all is said it needs to be done cautiously and with love, not with a need to help her out or fix her relationship. If this is a very good friend and you heard him yelling at her or being verbally abusive I think I might say, "you know Jane, you don't deserve to be talked about like that, would you let anyone else talk to you in that same way? It may give her a different perspective and may be the key she will need at some point to leave. But stay or leave, it's her business.

[Forward2free]

All amazing advice, thank you!

I haven't heard from her since our last conversation and I am guessing that maybe I pushed her further than she was willing to look. You're right Maybeso, I did do it by myself, although I actually hid it for 5 years and then sought help when I was ready to leave and get help. I hoped she was at the same base.

Yes, third marriages are never smooth sailing. In her defence, first marriage lasted less than a year before she was 20, just too young. In this marriage she wore the pants.

Second marriage ended after her husband was involved in corruption in the police force and failed at overdosing one night when she was 6 hours away with their new baby at her parents house. In this marriage she wore the pants.

Third marriage has been joyous, until baby arrived. I know, I should have been more aware of this. He's had lots of stress with work and now with baby although was amazing with her 2 year old when they met. She was happy to find someone who wasn't easy to push around, and it seems to have gone too far the other way. He wears the pants.

I will be there when she's ready. I would hope that he is just angry and can calm down! No one but husband knows if the damage is permanent or transient. I hope that she gets strong enough to demand more for herself and her kids.

[Rose Tiger]

It might not hurt to direct her to the articles on this site about improving communication skills.  You know, you're not saying he is BPD but learning about boundaries and the communication skills on the staying board is helpful in any relationship.  I needed to try to improve things first and learning about 'stop the bleeding' and that sort of thing helped improve things immediately.

[MaybeSo]

I didn't mention her 3 marriages as an assumption that the dynamics in all 3 unions were exactly the same... .

I was just saying, she is an adult, been around the block a few times,  she is on her third marriage! she has her own patterns and way of doing things and she makes choices for her own reasons.

And we cant fix it for her!

[Forward2free]

I didn't mention her 3 marriages as an assumption that the dynamics in all 3 unions were exactly the same... .

I was just saying, she is an adult, been around the block a few times,  she is on her third marriage! she has her own patterns and way of doing things and she makes choices for her own reasons.

And we cant fix it for her!

I completely understand, I guess I felt better communicating it in case I have missed something too.

Since the birth of the baby in Jan 2012, she was diagnosed with post natal depression and is seeing a therapist and on anti-depressants. Her husband is blaming everything on her "chemical imbalance" as he calls it and is deflecting any responsibility.

For me, it took a long time to realise that I didn't need to put up with BPD/Nxh's behaviour and I had to build up my self esteem to learn that I could stop the effect BPD/Nxh was having on me. I needed to learn that I could completely control my actions and reactions and no amount of anger/hurt/venom from BPD/Nxh could emotionally hurt me if I didn't let it in.

It still did of course, but I can remember the day when it was different. I remember realising that I was repeating his words in my head all day and night, trying to understand them/punish myself/seek answers/analyse/fix things. When I stopped repeating his words and got power over my thoughts, I was able to focus on the bigger picture.

It took me 5 years to get out, but my kids were still only 2 and 4 so I don't think they will remember everything as time goes on. I worry that her 9 year old already knows too much.

[MaybeSo]

Yup, the 9 year old probably does know too much already.

Sigh.