Destroyed

[duncanville1]

I am stuck in a huge way. I can rationalize how not normal this relationship was. How completely one sided it normally was. Just a few weeks ago my ex was telling me almost daily how many men want her, and I need to appreciate her, do exactly what she says because I have it so good. I felt I had to build myself up this time to get her back after she left with our daughter for 2.5 years ago. I flat out lied about having more money than I do, I lied about anything I felt I needed to too make her happy. In the end money was what she left over. As always she has placed the blame on me, I feel that I have lost everything since she is gone. She treated me horribly but I always look past it. How just days before she left again how she was holding my hand saying I am good enough and she would never leave again. Now she has filed suit to terminate my rights to our child. She swore she would never take our daughter from me again... I am falling apart and lost how to stop the pain. Even when we were together everyday I was waiting for this day again. 

[Reg]

Duncanville1,

You said it yourself, you were waiting for that day again, you knew it was going to happen.

I heard all the same things, also just a few days before the final breakup.  I would never have someone like her again (I hope so !) she had so many people that wanted her, talk talk talk... .

You don't know it yet, it will take time, but there comes moment you will see how much you have gained.

I'm not a father myself, but I actually loved my stepdaughter as much as my own flesh and blood.  Seeing her getting the same problems as her mom on abandonment issues was heart breaking as well.  I hope you are able to convince the judge to get a psychological profile from her, and that it is not a good thing that your daughter grows up in the company of a borderline.

First take care of yourself !  That is now the most important thing, let go of the anger, the guilt, the doubts, it is not you, it is them, it is borderline. 

Reg

[duncanville1]

Thanks Reg,

I should be good at this by now. I have been in and out of this for 3.5 years. I know this hurt is all on me, only I can change. Lost, searching for answers that I will never get.

[Reg]

What answers are you looking for ?

[duncanville1]

Does she love me or did she ever? Why have we kept coming back to each other? Why is she trying to take our daughter?

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Duncanville,

    Hang in, my friend.  Filing suit isn't the same as getting a ruling -- by a long shot.  The real pain here may be the lies.  It really drives us all crazy, I think.  She lied continuously as it's part of her disorder.  You lied in desperation to keep her around.  The big difference is that you can change and she can't.  When you can figure out what it really was that she addicted you with you will figure out how to give it to yourself and finally be free.  Stop lying and then stop beating yourself up about it.  You are a massive f@ckup sometimes, especially when it comes to this wacko r/s.  So am I in mine.  The thing is "The patient is the one with the disease"; she won't get better, but you can.  

LT

[Aussie0zborn]

Duncan, do you have family and friends for support right now? Unfortunately they don't let us have the answers we seek. The important thing right now is having a support network and being strong for your daughter regardless of what the BPD tries to do.

Please take care.

[Lao Tzu]

Dear DV,

    OK, hard truth time.  No, she probably never felt at all what you feel for her.  You have sacrificed everything for her as that's what someone in love does.  She feels only what she temporarily reflects from someone real like you.  She only cares about what having her needs met, not sacrificing anything for you or anyone else.  Read on this site about the question of whether 'they' are even capable of feeling love.  I'm sorry (for myself also), but they just aren't.

LT

[Reg]

Duncanville1

Did you read the lessons on what BPD is and the behaviors, the 3 stages of their 'love' ?   Read them again if you need it !  It helps !

They do not love us the way we do, they love an object that can satisfy all of their needs.  If you don't fullfill them your are bad.  Black and white thinking.  I often talk about the 3 year olds and their emotions the last days here.  There is a good mom, and a bad mom.  The good mom always says yes, the bad one always says no.  Same here !  White vs black.  They need no more then that to place you in another 'color'.

Why do you keep coming back to one another ?  For her it is recycling, you were the bad dad and now again the good dad.  For us, it has to do with ourselves, and something worth looking deeper at for ourselves.  Our own abandonment issues, perhaps the fact that we also have to grow emotionally, own self image, add the manipulations and lines of our borderlines such as you mentioned, you will never find someone like me again.  And the overwhelming moments when it starts and when they recycle, the cuddling, the sex, etc.

Why your daughter, very simple I think you are now black, bad to the bone in her vision, so she will not have someone who looks that bad have her daughter.  Unfortunately the unhealthy person for your daughter is her.  You know that.  And she is also the unhealthy toxic person for you as well.

As Lao Tzu said, you can and you will get better !

[duncanville1]

I do have a support system, but I am trying not to drain them. As I have been dragging this around since 2010. I KNOW I have issues at this point. In the 2.5 year split I got my life together but never fixed the original issues in myself that led me to her. She bounces back between her mother and I, its a constant power struggle. I just looked at her fathers obituary online and someone has added pictures of my diagnosed exBPD gf as a child. It tore me up. To see the young future mother of my child with her family before her mom left her dad. The pics she seemed so happy, not like I have ever known her. I know only she can get out of this, I have tried so many times, we had just went to counseling the Tuesday before she left. I know she either cant or does not want to change. Everyday I look at my daughters car seat, I almost cry.