New poster and would appreciate insight from those w/ experience.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This was originally posted on the wrong board, so I am reposting.

I have been reading many posts on here over the last few weeks and really hope I can get some insight from anyone willing to help so thus my reason for posting for the first time. I will do the best to give you the background.

Me, 52 yrs. old, self employed professional. Never married and have had different relationships of varying degrees over the years. Never got married as I saw too many people around me get married for all the wrong reasons or bailing at the first sign of trouble. I was just was not able to find the right chemistry with someone. I was up to this point content with my life and very happy even though I was involved with no one. Last serious relationship was 6 1/2 years ago. Dated here and there since but no one really caught my attention. 

So here is the story. About a year and 1/2 ago I kept running into a woman that works in my building. We would always talk to each other about everything on our minds. If we didn't see each other for a week or two we would always ask where each other has been. If she or I was talking with other people we would break away from the others and talk to each other instead. Anyways, I gave her my number one day and she called and asked if I would like to get together and of course I said yes. We had both had interest in each prior to that but neither one of else knew what to do about it.

A little about her, she is 42, divorced a couple of years, used to drink, is in AA and sober for 3 1/2 years. I was actually impressed by that due to the reason that in my mind someone is going to be more in tune with themselves than someone who is not, be it AA, support groups, counseling etc. It's people trying to improve themselves. I don't drink at all so that was great for both of us.  This was her first involvement with someone since she has been sober.

So we started seeing each other and admitedly things developed very fast. However, it was quite mutual. We kept checking with each other and kept getting the green light from one another. We started discussing things we were going to do together, just everything under the sun. I swear we would see each other and just melt. We would laugh about stuff to point where we were crying. Me, I was already doing good before I meet her and now life was even better. She made me want to be a better person in all ways spiritually, intellectually, across the board in my life. Total chemistry. Her, her friends could not believe how much she changed in such a short time for the better. As an example, she was the type of woman that did not even wear makeup, (did not even need it, was a natural beauty). When she started using it no one could believe it. She jokingly would say what am I doing to her that's she is doing these things and all the changes she was going thru and I must be using mind control over her. She said I had inspired her to start writing and drawing after not having done it for years. It seemed to me that we were having a mutually and beneficially reciprocating affect on one another. The way it should be between a man and a woman.

I said things to her regarding how I felt about her that I have never said to anyone, ever. She as well to me. Both of us had been very protective of our privacy before we met. Me, other than family and friends coming over my house I had really not been that interested in any woman enough to have her come over my house. Her, only two people had been to her apartment in the past 3 1/2 years, her close female friend as well as me.   She said her close friend was her protector and watched out for her.

Half of our communication was in person, the other by way of text.

So this is what happens next and where it crashes. The weekend before the whole thing between us went up in flames we had gone on a free river boating course and had a great time but i could sense something was off a little with her. We were texting each other after that weekend and asked how she felt, here is the text:

MONDAY

her: i'm well. i just need to slow down a bit this week. a lot of things are changing in my life very quickly. i don't want to make a mess if i can help it;

me: I understand and I hope I am not complicating it for you;

me: Would you like for more me to leave you alone;

her: you are a positive influence in my life. i just can't go full speed ahead like we started to do. i need to slow down, so i don't crash;

her: i don't want you to leave me alone. i look forward to seeing you again. i have chronic fatigue. i have to slow down in all things, or i crash;

me: I am sure I don't help with it; It just dives me crazy because I think about you so much; Just let me know how you want to go forward and I will abide by your wishes;

her: ok. my phone's battery is losing power. let's just move from the fast lane to the slow lane for now. ok?

me: ok, guess we better call it a night

We had also agreed that we needed to cut down on texting while she was at work so she would not get in trouble and I had no issue with that. I was also in the process of remodeling my house and her and a couple of friends were going to come over the in two weeks to help me out.

The following Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday our texts were kept to a minimum and I was slowing everything down a little as she had asked. Friday she texts me from work and she said I know we agreed not to text while she was at work but had a question about something which I did answer. We did not talk all day on Saturday, I had been busy at my house every night till one in the morning trying to get it prepped for painting the following week for her friends. She was going to her AA meetings and doing other stuff.

She sends me a text that Sunday and here is what transpired:

her: hey, is 9am a good start time for everyone on saturday, to paint the house?;

me: I am starting to paint today. But I can have them do stuff outside;

her: well, x, (her friend), wanted to paint. so, deal off?

me: I will probably only get the ceilings done so she could do the walls, 9:00 is fine next Saturday;

her: So, you're right. I try to do what's best for everyone, help everyone, and i get ****ed.   Everytime.  By you. By x, (her close friend who was going to help). What the heck?   It's fine. I'm used to it. Can i just have my stuff back? ;

me: I don't understand, my feelings for you have not changed one bit;

can you please tell me what is troubling you, it's just killing me inside knowing that you hurt so;

  (couple of hrs. later I get this text)

her: you and i do not communicate well. i'm sorry. but, this has to stop. we can't do this anymore;

me: I would be happy to find a solution; Feel like going for a walk to talk about this;

her: no. please, leave me alone. i don't want to see you or text with you any longer.


That is where it ended. After that I did not respond to the last message at all, I just went radio silence. I have not called her, texted her, written her or seen her in any shape or form other than sending some stuff back to her in the mail that she had at my house the following day after it happened. I did not include any note or letter in the package, just her stuff. This was a little over a month 1/2 ago. I am not sure how much of this actually has to do with me or something else.

These are my feelings and thoughts on all of this.  We had known each other for about 1 1/2 years before this but our actual involvement with each other was three weeks. Everyone may say after all this that's all it was and why I am I even posting. Well it was all real to me and her. I am not some kid who doesn't take things seriously, especially a person's feelings that I care about.

I feel absolutely horrible about what happened but the shock is over. I really cared for her and I believe the feelings were mutual. I don't know if it was a misunderstanding in our final texts and the lessening of them the couple of days before it all crashed and her interpreting that as me losing interest; that I had let her down regarding the work that was going to be done at my house with her friends because of a change in plans and she felt she could not trust me; if I misinterpreted her wanting to slow things down a little as her losing interest in me and I overreacted, (I really do not believe I did); did all of it get pushed too fast by both of us; was the stress of a relationship was overwhelming her and and a threat to her sobriety; was she scared of what was developing between us and when a conflict needed to be resolved she did not how to handle it and lashed out instead of talking about even though I asked; maybe she was scared to talk about it and it meant opening up and hearing someone else's point of view. Nothing is one sided and I hope I am not coming across that way because I am tying to resolve my part in this and my responsibility. God I would stick a fork in my own eye if I in any way had been an impediment to her continued sobriety and if that was the reason for all of this I totally understand and give her a lot of credit for her actions to protect herself. It could be she was not as vested as I was, but it does not seem like the case even though she ended it.

I totally realize no one is perfect, me, her or anyone else on this earth. I have plenty of faults as well as good qualities. No one person is ever 100% of what you want but if you can you try to get close to what you want and go from there, handle it to the best of your ability and take it from there.

Any insight from anybody would be appreciated, flash me if you want. I really feel like I owe her an apology because of what maybe I didn't pick up on. What bugs me the most is that I said I was willing to find a solution and that seemed to make things worse.

Couple of things that stick out in my mind regarding some of the things she said before this all happened:  a number of times she thanked me for validating her, (we had discussed some things that were going on with her work, etc.  I thought it was normal to talk about things happening in someone's life.   After she said I was validating her she then says I was not trying to bring negativity into your life ?);  a couple of times she asked why I was being so nice to her, (that one I do not understand?);

that I only picked her because no one else was available, (I have no idea what that meant).   A number of times she had said to me that her ex had refused to give her stuff back but she had receipts to prove it was hers,  (what that is all about I have no clue).   She must have said to me 5-6 times she was letting me into her world and never does that.     (hermit?)

  It almost seems as if so she was afraid of telling me she wanted to slow down a little but I could tell something was bugging her.   Was she so scared that I may so no and therefore abandon her and if I said yes would her scare her and act as a trigger that I actually cared about her?      The one and only day I did not talk to her on that Saturday did she feel abandoned and felt she had to end it before the other shoe dropped.   ( I was not planning on leaving or dumping her at all, just respecting her wishes to slow down a little).

This is even though she had said I was a good influence in her life and was looking forward to seeing me.

What really strikes me is what does her friend have to do with any of this, same friend who was supposed to help at my house.   Was I triangulated?  Was their a falling out with her close friend and I was collateral damage?

The other thing that confuses the hell out of was her text:

... . I am used to it, can I just have my stuff back... .

Used to what?  I never got an answer or explanation

Was I just being mirrored in the beginning?   Then triangulated, devalued and painted black in the span of hours because my feelings were genuine. I really, really cared for her so much.  More so than anyone I have ever met.   I thought finally I had met someone where it work in the long run.    I do realize nothing is perfect, especially relationships but for the life of me I am utterly confues.

For the time being the best thing for me is to do nothing at all, especially attempting to contact her.

Thanks everyone.

[MNS]

This was originally posted on the wrong board, so I am reposting.

I have been reading many posts on here over the last few weeks and really hope I can get some insight from anyone willing to help so thus my reason for posting for the first time. I will do the best to give you the background.

Me, 52 yrs. old, self employed professional. Never married and have had different relationships of varying degrees over the years. Never got married as I saw too many people around me get married for all the wrong reasons or bailing at the first sign of trouble. I was just was not able to find the right chemistry with someone. I was up to this point content with my life and very happy even though I was involved with no one. Last serious relationship was 6 1/2 years ago. Dated here and there since but no one really caught my attention. 

So here is the story. About a year and 1/2 ago I kept running into a woman that works in my building. We would always talk to each other about everything on our minds. If we didn't see each other for a week or two we would always ask where each other has been. If she or I was talking with other people we would break away from the others and talk to each other instead. Anyways, I gave her my number one day and she called and asked if I would like to get together and of course I said yes. We had both had interest in each prior to that but neither one of else knew what to do about it.

A little about her, she is 42, divorced a couple of years, used to drink, is in AA and sober for 3 1/2 years. I was actually impressed by that due to the reason that in my mind someone is going to be more in tune with themselves than someone who is not, be it AA, support groups, counseling etc. It's people trying to improve themselves. I don't drink at all so that was great for both of us.  This was her first involvement with someone since she has been sober.

So we started seeing each other and admitedly things developed very fast. However, it was quite mutual. We kept checking with each other and kept getting the green light from one another. We started discussing things we were going to do together, just everything under the sun. I swear we would see each other and just melt. We would laugh about stuff to point where we were crying. Me, I was already doing good before I meet her and now life was even better. She made me want to be a better person in all ways spiritually, intellectually, across the board in my life. Total chemistry. Her, her friends could not believe how much she changed in such a short time for the better. As an example, she was the type of woman that did not even wear makeup, (did not even need it, was a natural beauty). When she started using it no one could believe it. She jokingly would say what am I doing to her that's she is doing these things and all the changes she was going thru and I must be using mind control over her. She said I had inspired her to start writing and drawing after not having done it for years. It seemed to me that we were having a mutually and beneficially reciprocating affect on one another. The way it should be between a man and a woman.

I said things to her regarding how I felt about her that I have never said to anyone, ever. She as well to me. Both of us had been very protective of our privacy before we met. Me, other than family and friends coming over my house I had really not been that interested in any woman enough to have her come over my house. Her, only two people had been to her apartment in the past 3 1/2 years, her close female friend as well as me.   She said her close friend was her protector and watched out for her.

Half of our communication was in person, the other by way of text.

So this is what happens next and where it crashes. The weekend before the whole thing between us went up in flames we had gone on a free river boating course and had a great time but i could sense something was off a little with her. We were texting each other after that weekend and asked how she felt, here is the text:

MONDAY

her: i'm well. i just need to slow down a bit this week. a lot of things are changing in my life very quickly. i don't want to make a mess if i can help it;

me: I understand and I hope I am not complicating it for you;

me: Would you like for more me to leave you alone;

her: you are a positive influence in my life. i just can't go full speed ahead like we started to do. i need to slow down, so i don't crash;

her: i don't want you to leave me alone. i look forward to seeing you again. i have chronic fatigue. i have to slow down in all things, or i crash;

me: I am sure I don't help with it; It just dives me crazy because I think about you so much; Just let me know how you want to go forward and I will abide by your wishes;

her: ok. my phone's battery is losing power. let's just move from the fast lane to the slow lane for now. ok?

me: ok, guess we better call it a night

We had also agreed that we needed to cut down on texting while she was at work so she would not get in trouble and I had no issue with that. I was also in the process of remodeling my house and her and a couple of friends were going to come over the in two weeks to help me out.

The following Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday our texts were kept to a minimum and I was slowing everything down a little as she had asked. Friday she texts me from work and she said I know we agreed not to text while she was at work but had a question about something which I did answer. We did not talk all day on Saturday, I had been busy at my house every night till one in the morning trying to get it prepped for painting the following week for her friends. She was going to her AA meetings and doing other stuff.

She sends me a text that Sunday and here is what transpired:

her: hey, is 9am a good start time for everyone on saturday, to paint the house?;

me: I am starting to paint today. But I can have them do stuff outside;

her: well, x, (her friend), wanted to paint. so, deal off?

me: I will probably only get the ceilings done so she could do the walls, 9:00 is fine next Saturday;

her: So, you're right. I try to do what's best for everyone, help everyone, and i get ****ed.   Everytime.  By you. By x, (her close friend who was going to help). What the heck?   It's fine. I'm used to it. Can i just have my stuff back? ;

me: I don't understand, my feelings for you have not changed one bit;

can you please tell me what is troubling you, it's just killing me inside knowing that you hurt so;

  (couple of hrs. later I get this text)

her: you and i do not communicate well. i'm sorry. but, this has to stop. we can't do this anymore;

me: I would be happy to find a solution; Feel like going for a walk to talk about this;

her: no. please, leave me alone. i don't want to see you or text with you any longer.


That is where it ended. After that I did not respond to the last message at all, I just went radio silence. I have not called her, texted her, written her or seen her in any shape or form other than sending some stuff back to her in the mail that she had at my house the following day after it happened. I did not include any note or letter in the package, just her stuff. This was a little over a month 1/2 ago. I am not sure how much of this actually has to do with me or something else.

These are my feelings and thoughts on all of this.  We had known each other for about 1 1/2 years before this but our actual involvement with each other was three weeks. Everyone may say after all this that's all it was and why I am I even posting. Well it was all real to me and her. I am not some kid who doesn't take things seriously, especially a person's feelings that I care about.

I feel absolutely horrible about what happened but the shock is over. I really cared for her and I believe the feelings were mutual. I don't know if it was a misunderstanding in our final texts and the lessening of them the couple of days before it all crashed and her interpreting that as me losing interest; that I had let her down regarding the work that was going to be done at my house with her friends because of a change in plans and she felt she could not trust me; if I misinterpreted her wanting to slow things down a little as her losing interest in me and I overreacted, (I really do not believe I did); did all of it get pushed too fast by both of us; was the stress of a relationship was overwhelming her and and a threat to her sobriety; was she scared of what was developing between us and when a conflict needed to be resolved she did not how to handle it and lashed out instead of talking about even though I asked; maybe she was scared to talk about it and it meant opening up and hearing someone else's point of view. Nothing is one sided and I hope I am not coming across that way because I am tying to resolve my part in this and my responsibility. God I would stick a fork in my own eye if I in any way had been an impediment to her continued sobriety and if that was the reason for all of this I totally understand and give her a lot of credit for her actions to protect herself. It could be she was not as vested as I was, but it does not seem like the case even though she ended it.

I totally realize no one is perfect, me, her or anyone else on this earth. I have plenty of faults as well as good qualities. No one person is ever 100% of what you want but if you can you try to get close to what you want and go from there, handle it to the best of your ability and take it from there.

Any insight from anybody would be appreciated, flash me if you want. I really feel like I owe her an apology because of what maybe I didn't pick up on. What bugs me the most is that I said I was willing to find a solution and that seemed to make things worse.

Couple of things that stick out in my mind regarding some of the things she said before this all happened:  a number of times she thanked me for validating her, (we had discussed some things that were going on with her work, etc.  I thought it was normal to talk about things happening in someone's life.   After she said I was validating her she then says I was not trying to bring negativity into your life ?);  a couple of times she asked why I was being so nice to her, (that one I do not understand?);

that I only picked her because no one else was available, (I have no idea what that meant).   A number of times she had said to me that her ex had refused to give her stuff back but she had receipts to prove it was hers,  (what that is all about I have no clue).   She must have said to me 5-6 times she was letting me into her world and never does that.     (hermit?)

  It almost seems as if so she was afraid of telling me she wanted to slow down a little but I could tell something was bugging her.   Was she so scared that I may so no and therefore abandon her and if I said yes would her scare her and act as a trigger that I actually cared about her?      The one and only day I did not talk to her on that Saturday did she feel abandoned and felt she had to end it before the other shoe dropped.   ( I was not planning on leaving or dumping her at all, just respecting her wishes to slow down a little).

This is even though she had said I was a good influence in her life and was looking forward to seeing me.

What really strikes me is what does her friend have to do with any of this, same friend who was supposed to help at my house.   Was I triangulated?  Was their a falling out with her close friend and I was collateral damage?

The other thing that confuses the hell out of was her text:

... . I am used to it, can I just have my stuff back... .

Used to what?  I never got an answer or explanation

Was I just being mirrored in the beginning?   Then triangulated, devalued and painted black in the span of hours because my feelings were genuine. I really, really cared for her so much.  More so than anyone I have ever met.   I thought finally I had met someone where it work in the long run.    I do realize nothing is perfect, especially relationships but for the life of me I am utterly confues.

For the time being the best thing for me is to do nothing at all, especially attempting to contact her.

Thanks everyone.

[dangoldfool]

Wow. Man I feel bad for you. Seems like you were in a great position from the start off. Did not seem you were in the position of jumping right into a relationship and you took your time on this one. This story scares the hell out of me, for my future GF relationships. Yikes. I really don't have the answers for you hopefully one of the wiser ones on here will chime in shortly. Take care of yourself man. Peace to you.

[Learning_curve74]

Was I just being mirrored in the beginning?   Then triangulated, devalued and painted black in the span of hours because my feelings were genuine. I really, really cared for her so much.  More so than anyone I have ever met.   I thought finally I had met someone where it work in the long run.    I do realize nothing is perfect, especially relationships but for the life of me I am utterly confues.

For the time being the best thing for me is to do nothing at all, especially attempting to contact her.

I know my expwBPD would have many people on the hook that she was keeping in touch with while I was her "number one". She had a pathological need to be in contact with people. It was so much that sometimes she wore herself out. Maybe her "close friend" was like her "number one", you were the new fish, and once she had you totally hooked she threw you back into the sea? I've seen that happen.

Also from all the resources here and elsewhere, BPDers don't want to be alone and want to be with somebody but as soon as they get very close and intimate, their fears of engulfment take over. Then they push you away and your reaction might be to pull back and that might further trigger her fears of abandonment. Either way the outcome is a push/pull cycling effect, where the BPD pulls you in and then pushes you away, rinse and repeat.

My expwBPD was relatively high functioning with awareness of her mental illnesses. But it still didn't keep her from crazy making behaviors, push/pull, promiscuity, and all the other great stuff that BPD seems to entail. Unless you suffer from disordered thinking, you probably will never understand, heck I know my pwBPD sometimes barely understands herself.

In all likelihood, she is probably not who you thought she was. She was probably just being the person she needed to be to attract you. It's kind of sad.

[MNS]

Have not been on this board for a while.    I am very happy to say that I have not broken NC once since I got that crazy text when this all ended.   I made the right choice by not even responding to it.  After analyzing this whole situation to the ninth degree I would have done everything the same as far as my involvement with her was concerned.   Regardless if someone does or does not have have a diagnosed/undiagnosed emotional disorder or just not what to be with you for whatever reason just let it go.    Easy for me to say as everyone's situation is different.    Fortunately, I had no permanent ties to her.   I acted like an emotionally mature adult.   I wanted her but I did not need her and funny that is what I will remember as well as the fact I offered alternatives and all was rebuffed.   Not my problem.     

[seeking balance]

 

I can understand based on what you wrote why you would be confused - definitely seems like an abrupt end.

Texting or even emailing major emotions or life changes can really lead to people feeling unheard or misunderstood - BPD or not actually. 

What you seem pretty clear about was that she was over-whelmed.  She may have been more stressed than you realized.  Once the honeymoon is over and real life happens, we see with cleared eyes who someone is... . she seems like someone who may retreat when super stressed.

If I were in your shoes, I would do nothing.  Unfortunately, sometimes people simply are poor at handling conflict - BPD or not.  This tends to be a red flag for future stressful situations.

Take good care of you right now.

Peace,

SB

[mitchell16]

thats a tough place to be in. I dont know if yours is BPD or not but it sounds alot like how mine started out. I feel like now she was training me and the push away made me chase her more, which in my opinion it validated her. Some of the things yours is saying almost sound excatley like one. Mine would say in the beginning how I was the one true love of her life, how I was the man she had been searching for and so on. But every now in the her mood would shift and she would start pulling away. Then Start accusing me of things that wasnt happening. She would then she would send me a text that would say  she was sorry but she was just being cautious becasue she didnt want to screw up such a good thing. Which this made me chase her, pled my case, try to hold on, but give her space. Then in a few days or a week she would be back to normal. The first break up came about 3 months into the relationship and it came out of know where. It was after a trip with her and her relatives and her child. The trip was very good no problems at all. as soon as we got home the next day, she started accusing me of all kinds of things and then told me she needed to spend time alone. I was confused to say the least, I was hurt because of the things she was accusing me off. I knew i didnt do those things and I felt like she was ending the relationship becuase of some percieved things I did. which caused me to pled my case of being inocent. It one thing if you did something wrong and teh relationship ended but it another if you hadnt done anything wrong and knew you didnt and it ended. This went on for about a month push/pull. one minute I was the best two days later I was horrible. would come by have sex at my house and then next day needed to spend time alone. It horrible. this went on for about a month which resulted in her spending time with her ex before. That was the reason for the whole thing, she claimed she got confused and needed to figure it out. I found out later while we was on the trip one of her relatives is good friends with her ex and they told her he had a new girlfriend and was doing good. I think it scared her that he was moving on. that whole month of push/pull she was using that time to commnicate with him and probabley seeing him behind my back. Of course when it all came to light It was all my fault and according her she did this as a favor to me, becasue she came back to me. yeah lucky me. I guess my point is that her beginning cycles of push/pull set the tone for the next 2 and half years. Her pushing me chasing. my self esteem took a big blow for all this.