Own core wounds? Fear of abandonment/rejection/Insecurity?

[Blaise]

My dBPDexGF and I broke up 8 months ago. It was my decision -- she asked me to commit more and I said I cannot -- but I still have days where I feel overwhelmed by sadness and want to reach out to her.

When I am not well, it's like I want to tell her please do not reject me and do not abandon me, I cannot face life alone.

When I am well, I think about our r/s, what I did not like in it and why I said I was not ready to commit more.

Is this something that some of you experience as well? Is this a kind of fear of abandonment or insecurity I have in me?

It's like I can only look honestly at the r/s we had when she is here or when I am well and I completely disregard all of this when I am feeling bad.

[Scout99]

I think we all feel this, and to an extend we all fear abandonment and rejection and also insecurity without it necessarily meaning they are part of our core fears... . Sometimes they are depending on our background. But most of it is really natural and it is on a different level than it is for our BPD loved ones... .

To me at least it is when I let my feelings run amok with me and I feel the hurt and the loss of the relationship and allow that to bring back memories of only the good times and or the pain from the loss and the hurtful things said or done that I can't for a moment see straight... .

But when I let my mind take over and think things through I can detach and see the dysfunctional parts of the relationship and then my feelings don't take the same presidency.

It comes and goes... . And in the beginning the feelings are more or less unstoppable... . But eventually they do diminish and I am ok for a while... .

I think it is a process, and it takes time... . There is a lot more to process, I believe when the person we have been involved with has a severe mental disorder, since there come so many illogical and strange things into play in it... .

I think it is only natural considering. And you are for sure not alone in feeling this way!

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Blaise]

Thank you Scout, it's indeed good not to feel alone.

One of the things that keep me struggling is that I read the stories here of members who truly loved thier pwBPD, did all what they could and, somehow, have nothing to regret.

I, on the other hand, did not do everything I could. I am still legally married to my wife, whom I left when I met my dBPDexGF. My BPD ex kept telling me that there was no sound basis for a r/s because I was still married, and in fact we broke up when she asked me to divorce and I said I cannot.

She was right. Even with a non, you cannot build a r/s when one of the partners is still married and has not closed this chapter of his life. That is part of what keeps me struggling. I keep telling me that I should have divorced before it was too late and also I have hopes that if I do it now, she will return.

I also hope that my BPD ex is working on her own issues (she has been in T for more than 10 years).

[Scout99]

I understand from that that your relationship with your dBPD ex gf differs a little bit from the majority of the broken stories you can read about around the boards... . In that she has been in therapy for a long time and therefore probably has a better understanding of herself stemming from that.

Seen from her perspective and knowing who she is, I can understand she chose to bow out from your relationship, since she knows how much toll it will take on her part to make a relationship work in the first place.

Going from a marriage directly into a new relationship usually puts extra strain on the new relationship simply due to the fact that the person having gone through a divorce will have at least so some extent some issues to deal with themselves... . Break ups are hard no matter if we have found a new love interest or not. And adding to that a pw BPD creates a bit of a challenge... .

From my perspective I don't believe it would have made a difference even if you would have been willing to leave your marriage right away... . It is only natural to hesitate before making such a life changing decision. It is easy to get stuck on the what if's in these situations. But when the pain from the loss of your gf begins to subside, you will probably be able to look at it with more detached eyes... . You did nothing wrong by hesitating to get a divorce... . After all that woman you are married to, or were married to? were also an important person in your life, wasn't she?

So maybe what broke you up were not so much BPD as difficult timing... . It still hurts to lose a love. And it takes time to heal... .

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Blaise]

I am still married and struggling figuring out why I cannot resolve me to divorce. I have a very good relationship with my wife, who is also the mother of our two kids.

My dBPDexGF kept criticizing her (she does not know her), which always put me on the defensive as I have a lot of respect for her even though we are not a couple anymore.

This with the fights and breakups with my ex BPD occulted, I think, the primary issue, which is my relationship with my wife.

You're right in saying that my ex BPD has a good understanding of herself. She often told me that it would be too difficult for her to come after the kids and their mother, and also that she felt hate at my wife without knowing why.

I had the firm belief that we could make this r/s work, and also I kept telling her that it was taking time but that she would have her place next to me. And I told her to stop making attacks at my wife as this was just not productive, to say the least.

The fact that she is in T is also part of what fuels my hopes. Hope that we both use this time -- no contacts for more than two months now -- to work on our own issues, whatever the outcome is.