have uBPD father, threatens to disinherit me daily

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi, everyone. I am hoping I can find some help here with my uBPD father (who is 76). The therapist my insurance would pay for was really no help, as my father is a textbook example of BPD. I have no siblings to help me with him. He was alcoholic his whole life, but got worse after retiring. He is a carver- sits at his desk, watches TV and cuts his hands with exacto knives. These behaviors drove my mother away after 45 years of marriage: she couldn't take it anymore. She chose a life of poverty over dealing with my dad and his craziness. He sulked and drank for 7 years and was finally ready to move on after her death in 2011. Now that he has given up drinking, he is cognitively very well and sitting on a significant pile of money, so my husband and I decided to help him get the retirement he always wanted, so we helped him buy a house at the lake. Imagine our surprise when without the alcohol and with his beautiful lake house and all toys he ever wanted, he is still carving his hands! I went on the internet to look up what psychiatric syndromes may overlap this and BPD describes his whole character in a nutshell. He is abusive to me and my husband, threatens me almost daily with "If you don't do hit__. I am changing my will". He is a compulsive shopper, buying more and more expensive toys he doesn't use (bigger boats, overbudget swimming pool for the man who won't swim, etc.) mostly on leverage from his broker. Longevity is on his side: common ages of 95, and he has no major health issues.  He did and said anything to get us to move him out of the retirement home, and now he says "I never said that". It's clear to me at this rate he will not have the money he needs to get him through his upper 80's and 90's. I am thinking of going NC with him. I cannot stand his abuse any longer. He also carries a gun and used it in situations that implied threats to my mother. It sure pushed her over the edge and I am worried for my personal safety when I go visit. He also calls my husband ___hole to his face (after all the work we did setting up his new household) and gives him the special finger.

Is this normal for a BPD parent?

[dnagrl]

Hi, everyone. I am hoping I can find some help here with my uBPD father (who is 76). The therapist my insurance would pay for was really no help, as my father is a textbook example of BPD. I have no siblings to help me with him. He was alcoholic his whole life, but got worse after retiring. He is a carver- sits at his desk, watches TV and cuts his hands with exacto knives. These behaviors drove my mother away after 45 years of marriage: she couldn't take it anymore. She chose a life of poverty over dealing with my dad and his craziness. He sulked and drank for 7 years and was finally ready to move on after her death in 2011. Now that he has given up drinking, he is cognitively very well and sitting on a significant pile of money, so my husband and I decided to help him get the retirement he always wanted, so we helped him buy a house at the lake. Imagine our surprise when without the alcohol and with his beautiful lake house and all toys he ever wanted, he is still carving his hands! I went on the internet to look up what psychiatric syndromes may overlap this and BPD describes his whole character in a nutshell. He is abusive to me and my husband, threatens me almost daily with "If you don't do hit__. I am changing my will". He is a compulsive shopper, buying more and more expensive toys he doesn't use (bigger boats, overbudget swimming pool for the man who won't swim, etc.) mostly on leverage from his broker. Longevity is on his side: common ages of 95, and he has no major health issues.  He did and said anything to get us to move him out of the retirement home, and now he says "I never said that". It's clear to me at this rate he will not have the money he needs to get him through his upper 80's and 90's. I am thinking of going NC with him. I cannot stand his abuse any longer. He also carries a gun and used it in situations that implied threats to my mother. It sure pushed her over the edge and I am worried for my personal safety when I go visit. He also calls my husband ___hole to his face (after all the work we did setting up his new household) and gives him the special finger.

Is this normal for a BPD parent?

[Scout99]

Hi dnagrl!



I am so sorry that you are going through such a hard time with your father. Being an only child myself with a mother who may not be a full blown BPD, but still has a lot of issues, I sure can relate to how the weight sometimes can feel almost overwhelming. But it is a good thing that you have found your way here to us at this site!

You are not alone in having to tackle these kinds of hardships, which you will see when you start to explore the boards here.

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

It is so easy to get lost in all the things around your family member who has a disorder like this, especially when they are engaging in such destructive behaviors as you describe here with the self injuring and destructive spending habits that your father displays.

In times like these it is important to stop for a second and turn the perspective back to you and your needs and how it all is affecting you.

Reaching out to us here is a good thing! There is a lot of help and support to be gained from using this site and the boards.

I am sorry to hear about your negative experience with your T... . Could you tell us a bit more about how that played out? In what way that contact was of no help to you?

Having a therapist of your own would be a good thing for you, in helping you find ways to deal with your situation without letting it drain you of all your energy and cause too much stress. But it of course needs to be a therapist that understands what you are going through.

Are there no alternatives your insurance company could help you with?

We are glad to have you with us here now, and we want to help! And talking to and exchanging experiences with others that you will find are in similar situations like you gives both a lot of hope and comfort, but also a lot of help! you are not alone in this!

So take a moment to think about how we best could support you at this time?

What is the most stressful situation regarding your father and also you at this time?

Here is a video on how to reduce some of the conflict triggers when communicating with a relative or significant other with BPD.

At the Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner you can also get in touch with our staff and our board advisors who are skilled in teaching valuable communication skills that can help take some of the conflicts out of communicating with your father. I suggest you check out that board too. And feel welcome to post questions you might have or problems you encounter.

We are glad to have you onboard!

Best Wishes

Scout99

[dnagrl]

Thanks, Scout.

The therapist had some experience dealing with BPD patient group therapy, but did not know the current DSM criteria and the personality and coping effects on the children raised by BPD parents. Also, he was unaware of the self-medicating (read:alcohol) and that his self injury being a relief mechanism. He gave me a few pointers on directing him with questions like "why would we want to visit you if you abuse us so?" which may have flummoxed him for a few seconds, but then my father gaslighted me and said "I never abuse you". My father knows where all my trigger points are, pushes the buttons when he feels like toying with me, for the sick fun of it all. He would never admit he has a problem. The psych eval he had when he  was admitted to the hospital for alcohol related incidences (including psychotic episodes), even when I told the psychiatrist about the cutting, he did not diagnose him as a borderline.

I have heard many people say the disease is untreatable for various reasons. My father will be alert and vigilant enough to evade any diagnosis that would label him as sick. The only thing he wants to do is continue his behaviors (compulsive carving and purchasing) in his house for as long as possible, even if it means my husband and I will never go to see him. I don't know what to do, but it is effecting me in a negative way. Being LC with him the last 6 weeks has done an enormous good for my own mental health. That's why I am thinking we should part ways. He has already removed me from the POA positions in his estate and will pay and trust strangers from the bank to do that, because he thinks I will try and cut his time short at the house because he knows I am aware he is pathological. I shudder to think the task at hand for the person the bank assigns to his case to try and get him all the help he is going to need in a remote area. He is also hinting he is making other changes, but I am not 'out' ("for now". Arrgh!