Why do I need her validation?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Wow Lao tzu & charred... . Thank you 

I don't Even know where to begin. My mother is and was a great mother to e growing up. She's struggled a lot and has done countless sacrifices for me and never said "I'm doing this for you" to get some praise or whatever. Her personality is just a little dry and cold. It's crazy and perhaps, my subconscious mind will tell me but I can't find myself to believe that her personality type is what caused me to put up with my BPD ex.

I really want to know and I feel as if I will ever get over this until I understand and know why I stayed.

Was it the guilt of leaving her because she claimed to be raped?

To me that's a major issue. Despite the doubts I have about that, I couldn't leave. I couldn't find it in me, I didn't have the heart to do just leave her, she even reinforced that feeling when she would use her rape story as manipulation. Whenever she would rage at me, I never saw HER raging at me, I saw her parents, exboyfriends, and rapist abusing me not her, I totally mitigated her actions.

And I ask myself not why did she act that way but why did I have that viewpoint? Why didn't I hold her accountable for her actions? Why did I allow it? Why did I want to show her not all guys are bad and that I can be great for her. Every time I ask myself these questions, I run into a brick wall with no clear answer. It's frustrating,

Lao & charred did you two have the same issue with knowing? Or was it a ah-ha moment?

[Iamdizzy]

Wow Lao tzu & charred... . Thank you 

I don't Even know where to begin. My mother is and was a great mother to e growing up. She's struggled a lot and has done countless sacrifices for me and never said "I'm doing this for you" to get some praise or whatever. Her personality is just a little dry and cold. It's crazy and perhaps, my subconscious mind will tell me but I can't find myself to believe that her personality type is what caused me to put up with my BPD ex.

I really want to know and I feel as if I will ever get over this until I understand and know why I stayed.

Was it the guilt of leaving her because she claimed to be raped?

To me that's a major issue. Despite the doubts I have about that, I couldn't leave. I couldn't find it in me, I didn't have the heart to do just leave her, she even reinforced that feeling when she would use her rape story as manipulation. Whenever she would rage at me, I never saw HER raging at me, I saw her parents, exboyfriends, and rapist abusing me not her, I totally mitigated her actions.

And I ask myself not why did she act that way but why did I have that viewpoint? Why didn't I hold her accountable for her actions? Why did I allow it? Why did I want to show her not all guys are bad and that I can be great for her. Every time I ask myself these questions, I run into a brick wall with no clear answer. It's frustrating,

Lao & charred did you two have the same issue with knowing? Or was it a ah-ha moment?

[Lao Tzu]

It's a process, not just an a-ha.  The thing is that it's a process that actually does have an end!  You have already made excellent strides IMHO toward that end and as you keep pushing yourself I know you will get there too.  It isn't easy and it isn't fast -- many people on these boards don't get there at all -- but I have a strong feeling you will be there in your own time.  Don't forget that your 'enlightenment' in this regard may be different in many ways from "Charred" or me.  There are many ways to understand the same truth (think about the number of ways God is understood in various religions).  Keep reading and thinking and you will find the only way that matters -- yours.

LT

[charred]

Its not a blame game. My mother is very cold, but her mother died when she was five, her father then dumped her on her grandparents and they had her doing most the raising of her younger sisters, 8 yrs later her father came back remarried and she was to never question the new wife. Would losing your mother and then being abandoned for yrs affect a 5 yr old... . absolutely. Can I blame her for being unable to connect to young kids... no, not one bit. However I have been anxious as long as I can remember, was diagnosed with ADHD and on meds by 7... and attachment theory can explain my issues fairly well... secure attachment when young typically doesn't result in someone that grows up to keep people at a distance, have some low level chronic anxiety and fall for disordered women. The kinds of things that can lead to insecure attachments include having a parent that lost a parent at an early age... . fits and makes sense to me. My father is NPD and a real ass, have been keeping away from him for over a decade now, as has the rest of my family. That kind of background is dysfunctional, and is probably why I had a deep down craving for unconditional love from someone like my pwBPD. But that primary r/s unconditional love should be found from our folks... . accept no substitutes... . or no BPD ones anyway.  Someone else could become skitish over far less, or turn out fine despite having endured far worse abuse as a kid, we are not all the same.

[Iamdizzy]

Lao tzu & charred , once again   your words are comforting.

I think that many of us do not want to accept or admit that we have some sort of issue and perhaps in some cases, trauma. The same way a BPD avoids looking in and trying to understand their destructive behavior, perhaps that's whats hard. I've never needed the validation from a girl before, I usually say oh well their lose or if I mess up, ill admit it and move on. In this case, it's damn near intoxicating wondering if she thinks about me, if I meant anything, when in reality, she is probably engaging in carnal activities with numerous men.

I've always received compliments on how good looking I am but honestly I never let it get to my head. I was always thought from early childhood to be humble and never think that highly of yourself as to feel superior to others in some way or another. I assume that thinking stuck with me throughout life and in this case. To me she was a goddess, but I'm slowly thinking, you know I am dizzy you were and are too good for her, you need better. I don't know if those values growing up caused me to think less of myself? I don't know.

I want to thank you both once again!

[Lao Tzu]

Any time, man; we're here for you -- just as everyone else here.  By the way, the plain, objective truth is that you are way too good for her.  I know that because you are capable of feeling actuall love and empathy.  Even more simply put "The patient is the one with the disease".  We all have 'issues', but she's the one with the mental illness, so be happy with yourself.

LT

[charred]

Second what Lao Tzu said.

Honestly my ego took such a beating in the r/s with a pwBPD... that I was finally low enough to accept that I might have issues.  

Has been very hard for me to ask for or accept help with anything, and while I long took an apparent false pride in that... it wasn't really me being independent, but telling myself I was independent... and steering clear of admitting I sometimes needed help and assistance with things. (Not just T, but in general... I never call tech support, get a mechanic, etc... hard headed about trying to do it myself and figure it out... way past normal level of trying.)

I found it very hard to view my upbringing as traumatic... as I was in the odd position of being a doctor's kid, having all kinds of small advantages, fun toys, camps etc growing up... . mixed with lots of dysfunction. Folks divorced and we moved a lot of times... and I just told myself over and over to buck up and deal with it... then avoided doing so.

So like most people I know my childhood wasn't perfect and I am a product of it, warts and all.

There are billions of people in the world, most have it worse that we do in some way or other, and some have it better, but that one person you know deep down isn't perfect... . you can do without and others are out there that can help and bring you what you want, without the truckload of hurt/crazy.

[Iamdizzy]

lao & charred- it's rough to think about ourselves as having issues because at least in my case, I freak out and think I'm pathetic/ damaged or crazy like BPDex but that's not true. What has happened in childhood is not our faults and we are healthy enough to be responsible and strong enough to look inside and correct our errors. I don't believe for a second that the 7 billion people on this planet had ideal childhoods and are unscathed by anything. We all have issues for some, it gets resolved in other ways but for us here on bpdfamily, it took a highly disordered BPD to show us what's wrong with us.

I had a dream with BPDex these past 2 nights. some 'force" drove me to her house but the drive there took me through the darkest and loneliest parts of space, past these huge nebulas all alone ? once I got there and sat down with her, I couldn't move/ talk/ couldn't be within 5 feet of her. I felt so repulsed by her presence, I didn't want to talk so i don't waste any time on her.

I think this is my subconscious mind telling me "Iamdizzy, how could you ever want this person that even in your dreams you find yourself lonely and repulsed by her presence.

Which reminded me of Gotye's "Somebody that I used to know" which from my experience sounds like broke up with a BPD.

here are some of his lyrics that truly resonated in me:

Told myself that you were right for me

But felt so lonely in your company

But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness

Like resignation to the end, always the end

So when we found that we could not make sense

Well you said that we would still be friends

But I'll admit that I was glad it was over



Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over

But had me believing it was always something that I'd done          typical BPD projection.

But I don't wanna live that way

Reading into every word you say

You said that you could let it go

And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

this song, my god, I related to it so much. I truly felt the sadness and emptiness behind it. I don't want that, I don't ever want that ___ in my life again!

[Iamdizzy]

I will add that I actualyl heard this during our break up on the radio and I cried like such a little girl. A grown man crying like a little 5 year old girl, healthy no doubt .

I just recall the times in which I stayed at WORK, AT WORK!, later than usual to avoid calling her/ spending time with her. I was so miserable, I felt so lonely with her. I asked why did I stay? and the only reason I can come up with is that I felt like I was taking care of a terminally ill person 24/7 and I needed a break. It's not normal. It all stems from her sexual abuse story which hooked me DEEPLY.

I dunno... . sorry for the rant, just felt like saying that. Thanks for replying once again! I am very grateful.

[Lao Tzu]

IMHO it takes a lot more strength to cry like a 5 year old girl once in a while than to play Clint Eastwood in your own life story.

LT

[rodman8]

I actually sent my BPD ex a mix CD and put that song on there.  She told me the CD made her cry.  Of course there were different songs I included, and I included movie clips (some which were actually quite funny), but those lyrics also resonate with me as well. 

[pari]

Very enlightening discuss LT, Charred and lamdizzy.

[Emelie Emelie]

I heard a lot of those things as well.  He would tell me "I'm just no good at relationships."  The saddest thing he ever said to me is "There's no hope for me." 

[Iamdizzy]

Emeliex2,

I think it's safe to say we all did. Now that's where this whole thing bifurcates, it our faults for not understanding the magnitude of what they are saying and/Or is it them that they didn't seek help? Or that they just continued to stay

[haliewa1]

What is interesting is to watch your ex go through the motions again with someone else.  I have friends who see my exBPDgf occasionally and they tell me that she is idealizing every guy she talks with, overstates and oversells her interest in him, is dressing like a streetwalker in restaurants/bars and in general looks like a paid for prostitute!  Most of the guys she is talking with seem to be less than interested according to my acquaintances.  But there's always one quack who will think she's sincere and take the bait!  My friend said he had seen her approach six or seven different guys in just under a week at the same restaurant.  He's a waiter there and she isn't aware he knows me that well.

It would kill me to know she was doing this while we were still together so it's good we aren't together!  Keep your head up and look to a brighter future!

[aloha1983]

What an enlightening conversation. Thanks for sharing Lao, Charred and Iamdizzy.

Lao far out what strength you have to still be in the workplace with your BPD ex. That's very impressive you have such a good attitude towards it.

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Aloha,

     Thanks for the kind words.  To be honest, I'd have been lost without this site.

LT