Heartbroken and devastated - found out he's cheating and I have to leave

[SundayRose]

I've been married for almost 10 years to my very high-functioning uBPDH.  Even after researching BPD endlessly and knowing the facts, I always told myself the one thing he would never do was cheat.  I was wrong.

I realize now that a lot of this is my own fault - my denial and blindness when it came to him.  When we met, I was taken with him completely and never looked back.  Handsome, charming, successful, blah blah.  The man every woman wanted, and he picked me.  He was very open with me about his past - his terrible childhood, his promiscuity, the way that making women fall for him was the only way he ever felt good about himself.  And stupid me, I just wanted to give him all the love he never had.  I wanted to fix him.  I just wanted to make his life happy. We were each other's best friend.  So much in common, same values, same goals, same interests, same opinions on just about everything.  My other half.

His BPD symptoms didn't really exhibit themselves in a destructive manner until about 5 years ago.  Of course he was always struggling with self-esteem issues and highs and lows, but nothing that seemed out of the ordinary for someone who had gone through what he did as a child.  But after the death of the only family member he was close to, the more prevalent BPD behavior started to surface, the main problem being the rages. But he acknowledges he has BPD, has read books with me and is always actively trying to work on it.

Looking back now, I know he has probably been cheating from the start.  The clues and signs were there, I just chose to disregard them.  The flirting, emails to exes, calls and texts to other women.  But whenever I would confront him, he would be so convincing that nothing was going on, he would never actually follow through with anything, he just liked flirting with other women for an ego boost because he was always so down on himself and that's all it was.  He always made a point to talk about how terrible cheaters were and he couldn't live with himself if he did such a thing.  He loved me so much and couldn't live without me, I was the only one for him.  He was so tearful and remorseful. And I wanted so much to believe him.  So I did.  Sigh. 

Last year I checked the phone records and saw he had been sending massive amounts of texts and having phone calls with many different women, late hours at night when I was sleeping or during the day when I was at work (he works a non-traditional schedule) or when he himself was at work.  I confronted him and it turned into a very bad rage, of course I was the bad person for snooping on him.  When things calmed down, he apologized, said he was ashamed of himself but that (again) it was only texting, nothing happened with any of them, he was just using them to stroke his ego, etc.  He promised to cut it off, and for a few months he did (I continued checking the records, which he knew).  And then I let my guard down and stopped checking.

Last time he raged was a couple months ago. I then sat down and read the "High Conflict Couple" and started to apply some of the principles, we had many good talks and things had been going really well, practically blissful.  So well he wants to finally start a family together, something we have both wanted for a long time.

Before taking that step, I decided to check his phone while he was sleeping the other night, and found messages from other women.  Checked his email and found the one that crushed my soul.  An email back and forth with one of his mistresses, details about their physical interactions, how much they love each other, they are "soul mates," etc.  It's not clear whether she knows he's married or not.

He's known that something is wrong with me for the past couple days, and I've just tried to play it off as not feeling well.  He's been extra attentive, telling me how much he loves me, how I am his life, hugging and cuddling me whenever possible, telling me how excited he is to start our family.  From checking the phone records, he will kiss me and tell me he loves me, then go to the bathroom with his phone and text away to other women (I know there are at least two women he's in relationships with for sure, I suspect more but have no proof.  And I saw that he has started exchanging texts and having phone calls recently with a "friend" of mine - who is ironically recently divorced because her husband cheated on her).

After all we've been through, after all I've put up with, after all I've given him, this is how he treats me?  I know, typical mantra of a scorned wife.  I had committed to helping him with his problems, trying to make his life better.  It's just so shocking, so devastating.  And I feel so stupid for believing him and trusting him.  This is the one thing I cannot forgive him for, all this lying and cheating. I just wish I could turn off my love for him.  Even as angry and bitter as I feel right now, I still love him despite myself.

Given he has BPD, this confrontation is tricky.  I'm scared to confront him in person - it will cause a very bad rage, probably unlike one I have ever seen.  I plan on packing up some stuff while he is at work, printing out the email and the phone records and leaving him a letter.  It sounds cowardly but I don't know what else to do.  I have no idea where I am going to go, I don't have any family within 1,500 miles of me.  Our financial situation isn't the greatest, we recently took on a lot of debt making some expensive purchases (house renovations).  I know I have to do this, but it is so hard.  I know it's pretty unlikely he would ever stop the cheating.  I know I have to do what's best for me in the long run.  But it is so painful, the death of my perception of who he was, of who we were as a couple, of our dreams of having a family.  And I'm worried about his reaction - that he will try to harm himself, destroy our house, etc.  Or maybe he will shrug his shoulders and just move on to one of the many other women waiting in the wings, I guess you never know. 

[Vindi]

i feel for you, 10 years is a long time for a marriage, and I am sure it will be hard to walk away. Have a plan set as you do... . and yes, i completely understand how you feel with all the dreams you had of being with him and dreams that alot of couples have... . now seem washed away.

Do you have any friends homes you can stay at for a few days, til you plan what you will do next. I am sure at some point you will have to face him, face to face and talk with him about what happened, and yes, he may walk away, then again, he may apologize up and down or just deny it all and try to reel you back into staying in the marriage.

This is the time you have to decide for yourself, what you want out of life and if you even want him in your life, to be married to him. It is so much to handle at this point, take things slow, keep re reading this post and decide what is the best for you.

Let me know how things go & remember you are not alone.

[SundayRose]

Thanks for your response!

I know I need to set a plan, that's what I am trying to do today, although instead of packing I just keep obsessively refreshing his phone records to see who he is texting in real time.  Busy morning of constant texts with mistress #1 and my former "friend."  Oh, but he did take a couple of seconds to send me a "love you" text in between.  I am trying to restrain myself from calling these women - I know no good will come of that.  And they probably don't care he's married anyway.  And the thing with my friend - so twisted.  Looking back, I always knew she was jealous because she always made comments about how she wished her husband was like mine, that I was so lucky, etc. (I never told her about his issues, in fact, I've never told anyone).

The only person I can think to stay with is a family member of my husband's that I am really close to.  But since it is technically his family I don't think it is appropriate.  And they know absolutely nothing about his BPD. The friends I would consider staying with have husbands and kids and I would just be in the way.  I'm such an emotional wreck right now I don't really want to talk to anyone.  I haven't told anyone yet, not even my mother (who unfortunately is 1500 miles away like I said). Although I am 99% sure I am leaving, I need to be sure as once I tell anyone, especially my family, about his behavior, there is no going back.  I feel so alone.  I know in my head I can't forgive this.  I can't stay in this marriage.  I want children and I'm in my early 30's so I don't have time to waste spending my life being lied to and cheated on.

What really saddens me is that if I leave, everyone will think I am a total b(*$&.  Not that it matters what other people think, but it bugs me.  Everyone loves him, thinks he is such a wonderful person (which in so many regards, he is).  He's got a very high standing in our community.  He is looked up to and admired.  I am the only person in the world he has revealed his true self to.  I'm sure all his mistresses have been told horrible lies about me.  When people ask him why we are divorced, he will likely say it was because I refused to have his children.  :'(

I guess I will go to a hotel for now.  I don't really have anywhere else to go.  He has more options of places to stay than I do, which hopefully he will realize and let me stay in the house.  Of course, one of his girlfriends would gladly take him in I'm sure, which I can't even think about.

I know I will have to face him soon, and that he will be frantically trying to get a hold of me once he finds me gone and sees the letter.  Hopefully over the phone first, and then in a public place later.  Tomorrow will probably be the most stressful day of my life.

Thanks so much for listening!

[connect]

Sunday Rose   

Feeling for you sweetheart. Let us know how it goes.   

[eternity75]

SundayRose I am so sorry to know you are in so much pain. But I am also very grateful for your post. I have been in this exact same relationship only for me it has been only 8 months, not 10 years. I ended it 2 days ago. Exact same thing. He would tell me he loves me but then be texting 10-20 other women, nevermind the ones on his facebook who he's also been seducing. I knew about his cheating, gave him multiple chances, and my breaking point came when I found out he was searching for escorts for his upcoming trip to Mexico to "see his family" (... . yeah like that's all he was going there for!)

I also spent 8 years prior in a relationship with a BPD/NPD (not sure where on the spectrum he is!)

I have questioned my decision to end it because I love him so much. I have spent 8 months justifying his actions and lying to myself at the same time he is lying to me. I can never understand how he can say his dream in life is to be with me, but he can desire all these other women.

Your post solidifies in my mind... . that I cannot change him. Marriage and babies will not change him (I have thought about the "What if's" of this many times). I don't want to spend 10 years of my life with the wrong person only to find out nothing ever changed and I knew from the beginning.

Like you, I am in my 30's and I want to have children so bad... . but I want them with the right man. And I don't want to put them through hell because I choose the wrong one.

Again, I am soo sorry you are hurting right now. You do not deserve this after all you have given to him. No one deserves that. I hope you find the support here you are looing for. It will be very difficult (I can't imagine!) but this is a safe place with many people who have been through the same... . hopefully knowing you are not alone will help. 

[Vindi]

((sundayrose)) wishing you strength today and my thoughts and prayers are with you, i know today will be the most difficult day ever!

know in your heart you are doing the right thing, let him know how you feel and it doesn't matter what anyone thinks or if they call you a b*)&h, they do not know the full story and how this many truly hurt you. And yes, I know there are always 2 sides of every story, but cheating is a HUGE mistake, and you have found out he cheated, and he is not worthy of your love and all the time you invested in the relationship.

I know thoughts will be flipping thru your mind, the key thing is, is he

cheated, lied etc to you and that is not right.

Please stay strong and let us know how things go!

***and Eternity 75*** wishing you strength too thru your difficult time, stay strong ladies!

((huge hugs your way))

[SundayRose]

Thank you everyone so much for the kind words.  It is so helpful to be able to pour out my feelings on here to people who understand.  It is such a lifeline.   

Eternity - I'm so sorry to hear of what you've been through.     It is so excruciating to be betrayed, it's no wonder why they call it "heartbreak."  I swear I can feel a physical pain in my chest.  It sounds like you definitely made the correct choice.  If he was acting like that after only 8 months, it likely would have gotten much worse as time went on.  And how terrible that you had to deal with this after getting out of the painful long-term relationship with the other guy. 

So as far as an update on what happened today - it was absolutely NOTHING like I expected.  He came home, saw what I had left for him to read and called to ask if I would be willing to meet him in a public place (he knew I was scared of his reaction and being alone with him) so he could tell me the truth about everything - no more lies, no more BS.  He was not angry with me at all.  I actually have never seen him in such a state - it was so unlike how he'd ever been in the past in this type of situation.  Totally calm (upset with the gravity of the situation but no sign of rage whatsoever) and no excuses.

Basically, he took full responsibility, admitted to everything he had done (much of it I didn't know about, so he wouldn't have had to tell me), and patiently answered every single question I asked sparing no details (as horribly painful as it was to hear, I needed to know exactly what had happened in detail).  He explained the reasons behind what he had done (careful not to place the blame on me in any way, he just wanted to explain how he rationalized his actions in his mind).  He validated all my feelings (!) and placed the blame solely on himself.  He had known he was on the verge of getting caught, and was feeling very weighed down by the guilt, especially because of how great things had been between us the last couple of months.  His current mistress had been getting too attached and was pressuring him to leave me - he felt it was only a matter of time before she contacted me and it all came crashing down.

He wants to save our marriage by whatever means necessary, go to BPD counseling himself, marriage counseling for us, etc.  He said he will change his phone number (this is a big deal as he's had the same number for a decade), make a list of all his account passwords for me to keep and check whenever I want.  But he said he understands if I need to leave, even though he doesn't want me to.  He said he will give me whatever I want, support me financially until I can get on my feet, etc. 

For now he is moving into the guestroom and giving me space until I figure out what to do.  I was so sure I was leaving yesterday, so I am surprised by my feelings today.  What a roller coaster this is.

I really don't know if I can forgive him.  I don't know if I can ever get over the betrayal and ever trust him again.  But I do think that finally, he was totally honest with me today.


   

[Scout99]

I am so sorry to hear about the difficulty you are having in your relationship!  

It is almost a bit too much for anybody to have to bear... .

I think it is important that you keep your focus very closely locked on you at this time, and make sure you don't loose track of what you want and need from a relationship... .

Maybe it would be a good thing for you to seek out a therapist to help you sort out where you are in all this and who can also be a place where you can vent all the feelings and stress that must be present in you right now... . ?

A word of caution and a perhaps important question to ask yourself right now I think would be, what is it your husband may be gaining from keeping you as his spouse?

It is important since his behaviour right now is not really consistent with the expected behaviour of a pw BPD when being exposed doing something like this... . Like you say, rage would be expected, and also a lot of assigning blame on you for whatever he may think of to deflect responsibility from himself... . Instead this total apology and wanting to seek treatment and make amends... . ? If there is not something in it for him, that he specifically is looking for, I would say this is a very suspicious behaviour... . coming from a BPD... .

Almost so one could suspect there to be a bit of antisocial tendencies... . ?

So tread carefully here now, and don't be to quick to just try to get things back to normal to avoid your own pain and discomfort of being in this situation, but instead take your time, sort your own feelings out and above all carefully investigate what your husband is up to and what this behaviour of his is all about... .

There are some serious and hurtful things he has done against you that you have not deserved. And in order to find peace in that and be able to move forward, I think it is important that you won't leave the stones unturned here... .

Please let us know how we best can be of support for you at this time! You are not alone in this!

Best Wishes

Scout99

[seeking balance]

SundayRose,

I am so sorry you are going through this - there is nothing easy about cheating and recovering.  Only you know if this is something you can move past.

I will honestly never forget my ex coming back from an intensive week of treatment and saying, "if I were a man, I would be a sex addict"... . I had no idea what that meant, but said, "is there something you want to tell me?"

The point is using sex or intimacy as a validation for self worth or a sense of self  or cope with abandonment feelings (which can all tie to BPD) requires not only the mindfulness but the willingness to tolerate the hard emotions to heal through.  It is hard work.

As my T said, I had just as hard of work as I processed my emotions and forgive and learned to trust.

Do you happen to have a T of your own to help with your part of the process?

Peace,

SB

[Saffron2]

SundayRose, I am also very sorry to hear that you're in this horrible situation. 

I've been married about as long as you have, and have been dealing with the same. After a long period of lying, and on the verge of getting caught anyway, my husband also confessed, not sparing me any of the ugly details either.  He verbally accepted responsibility for his behavior, and promised to do everything within his power to make it right... . Here I am several years later, and guess what I found out?  He's still having an affair with that woman.

What I've learned from this situation is to "listen" to the behavior; to take every word uttered by a man who has proven himself untrustworthy with a grain of salt.  I've also learned that my husband is the type to always have affairs because of something that he's lacking within himself - he's a gaping hole of need, and not only is it not my job to fill it, but I'm not capable anyway. I've also learned that any sort of recovery from this takes a long time - there are stages of grief to be dealt with.  You may go from being shocked and feeling numb, denial, bargaining, relief when he says he's going to make it better to additional pain when he doesn't follow through.  You may get to stage of intense anger, which hopefully will turn into righteous indignation.  Most of all, I've learned to be patient - decisions made in the heat of the moment are not necessarily the right ones for us.  I'd encourage you to take your time, weigh your options, and focus on yourself right now.  If your husband truly has good intentions, you will see it soon enough.

Any thoughts?

[SundayRose]

Thanks again everyone.  You are all so helpful.

Scout: 

I agree that it is very peculiar that he reacted this way.  Completely inconsistent with BPD in general and his past behavior in such situations.  I don't really know what his motivation could be other than realizing he is about to lose me for good, but I am definitely going to take it slow and be careful.  The whole thing is just very unusual and my guard is definitely up. 

Also, in the past when we've had fights or after he's raged or whatever, he never gives me space to be upset at him.  He needs me to just get over it and forgive him quickly.  He cannot handle me being upset over things for long because he himself bounces back so quickly.  So it will be interesting to see how he handles this situation - because obviously getting over it and forgiving him is not in the cards any time soon.  Besides asking me if I think I will ever be able to forgive him someday and knocking on the door to say sorry every once in awhile or to ask if I need anything, he's left me alone so far (but of course it's only been one day). 

I'm definitely taking things slow - whatever was "normal" for us is over now.

Seeking Balance: 

I don't have a T but I really need to find one.  I definitely need professional help with all this.  Any thoughts on how to find a good one?  I haven't had good experiences - two that I sent my husband to were awful and did more harm than good.

Saffron: 

I'm sorry to hear you are going through the same thing - and that he has hurt you yet again.  Have you confronted him about the continued affair?  That's what makes me very nervous for my situation (if I decide to stay with him).  The reason your husband is having affairs is the same reason as mine - the gaping hole of need. 

[Clearmind]

Sunday, I am sorry to hear this - it really is crushing.

Be sure to take all that you will need, papers, copies of bank statements etc - marriage certificate. I know you are hurting right now however you need to be meticulous in what you take.

Be kind to you…things will get better for you.

[seeking balance]

Seeking Balance: 

I don't have a T but I really need to find one.  I definitely need professional help with all this.  Any thoughts on how to find a good one?  I haven't had good experiences - two that I sent my husband to were awful and did more harm than good.

Interview a few just like any other professional.  Tell them what you know and ask them their approach - then listen to your gut... . the right one will be evident.  Honestly, there are other threads on this board with this same question and always, there is a clear "winner".

Take good care of you during all this.

[pecia]

My BPDh did the same thing at our 13 year mark. The other woman contacted me when he broke it off. At first he was shameful- so much so that he insisted he leave. He flipped it around so I had to take care of him, beg him to stay. He never would disclose the details. I found out from her that she didn't know we had been married that long or that we had a loving relationship. After about a year he told me to get over it or get out. Periodically I would get red flags that another affair was occurring. He denied it every time. I had an emotional affair because of all the turmoil. When I confronted him, he decided it was my affair that was too much to deal with. Now he says we are done. We have been together 18 yrs. what the heck. And I am the one who is still begging to stay. It's crazy. Maybe he has this gap that cannot be filled by me or anyone else. I think he will always cheat but I just can't make myself leave. I love him- and am painfully codependent. Good luck sweetie. It's a hard road.