I don't know what to do...

[sadinnc98]

I don't know what to do... .

After 30 breakups in the past year, plus the mass of other BPD stuff I have dealt with... . then being lied to repeatedly and ignored for three days... I just found uBPDbf (stbx) on a dating website... . active and online.  I do not want to divulge that I know this... but I want to end things-this was not the first time I have caught him on here but its the straw that broke the camels back.

I can no longer do this. He won't talk to me on the phone (always has been a problem in our relationship) so this will have to be done via text.

Any suggestions? As far as I know, there was nothing wrong before he went cold on me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

Is this different than the other 30 breakups?

The reason I ask is that when we have done many recycles, the breakup becomes a routine - a way to send a message - to vent anger - to control - to manipulate - to hurt.   The level of dysfunction in the relationship also becomes routine.

Is this is more of the same?

[sadinnc98]

Is this different than the other 30 breakups?

The reason I ask is that when we have done many recycles, the breakup becomes a routine - a way to send a message - to vent anger - to control - to manipulate - to hurt.   The level of dysfunction in the relationship also becomes routine.

Is this is more of the same?

This is pretty much in line with the other 30 breakups as far as how it happened-wonderful time/weekend, got closer, he pulls away, distances/ignores... . then breaks up with me. I then go through this same painful, grieving process... over and over... and then he comes back. It has affected me mentally and physically for certain.  The worst breakup was the engagement-the whole thing alone is bad, plus the way that he did it... . that one I think forever changed me in how bad it hurt.

I just wonder if this time is the "final time" to where he won't come back again.

[Skip]

This is not going to stop if you continue to do the same thing.

If you rethink this and make healthy changes it may help, it may not.

However poorly conceived, why would he say he is doing this?

[dotSlash]

when we have done many recycles, the breakup becomes a routine - a way to send a message - to vent anger - to control - to manipulate - to hurt.   The level of dysfunction in the relationship also becomes routine.

I feel this. It's hard for me to comprehend how a person could do this so continually like mosquiotos and not realize how much they drain the other person. As a scientist by nature I like to understand the deep root of why things happen, and in a relationship all the two people have to be is considerate with one another and conflict can be avoided. But when nothing you say to someone in that state gets processed, it's an impossible battle to bring rationality into conversation. Rough...

[sadinnc98]

This is not going to stop if you continue to do the same thing.

If you rethink this and make healthy changes it may help, it may not.

However poorly conceived, why would he say he is doing this?

Do you mean make healthy changes in order for me to feel better and move on, or, try and make it work with him?

He has given me multiple reasons why he does this, mainly he says that he is afraid that I eventually will leave him, and that he has never felt genuine love from someone like he does from me, so he pushes me away saying he would rather regret losing the love of his life vs the pain of me leaving him one day. He also says he is worried he won't be enough for me, will fail me, is too damaged, too many issues, etc... He sometimes says he feels that I am better off without him, but that he realizes he can't live without me, so he pulls me back.  I honestly felt that a lot of that was stuff that we could work through, until I discovered the online dating... that to me is where I really had to rethink this-and it is not the first time I have found him on there and i suspect it has went on for a long time.