What happens when the power shifts?

[Depression = 72% of members]

We all know that pwBPD have to be in control and hold the power. So what happens when the Non takes control and holds the power over the pwBPD?

[Willingtolearn]

We all know that pwBPD have to be in control and hold the power. So what happens when the Non takes control and holds the power over the pwBPD?

[simplyasiam]

thats playing with fire. i dont think they will stand for that.

i did one time but changing phone numbers and going n/c with her, she was back on my step with three days. moved back in just to move out fours days latter, im sure they have to be the that breaks things off.

[seeking balance]

We all know that pwBPD have to be in control and hold the power. So what happens when the Non takes control and holds the power over the pwBPD?

Petulant child schema tends to be seen in this dynamic.

why would you want to "control" someone else is my question?

[Willingtolearn]

We all know that pwBPD have to be in control and hold the power. So what happens when the Non takes control and holds the power over the pwBPD?

Petulant child schema tends to be seen in this dynamic.

why would you want to "control" someone else is my question?

I use the term "Control" in the context of the Non taking control over his own well being within  a relationship with a pwBPD  The Non then has the power of  control in the essence that he cannot be controlled.

[seeking balance]

We all know that pwBPD have to be in control and hold the power. So what happens when the Non takes control and holds the power over the pwBPD?

Petulant child schema tends to be seen in this dynamic.

why would you want to "control" someone else is my question?

I use the term "Control" in the context of the Non taking control over his own well being within  a relationship with a pwBPD  The Non then has the power of  control in the essence that he cannot be controlled.

Would boundaries be the word you mean?

Boundaries are critical for any relationship - BPD or not - did you have a hard time enforcing your boundaries with your BPD?  I know I did... . I would say one thing, but give in... . it certainly does a number on one's self worth.  Although some would say that strong self-worth is equal to having good boundaries.

[obtunded]

So what happens when the Non takes control and holds the power over the pwBPD?

Ever try punching a pit bull in the nose?

[charred]

pwBPD usually are master manipulators... . that is how they get and keep control.

Are you thinking you will out manipulate her?

It is  easy to underestimate them, I grew up in a family of NPD folks (also manipulators) and thought I could hold my own, I was wrong... . my pwBPD was truly a master at manipulation.

Power isn't the way, reality and holding them to the truth is the only way. You can't base an r/s on conning each other... insist on truth, hold feet to fire, when you get a   , don't relent till its addressed. That is exactly what my pwBPD used to do... but they don't take it well, once I insisted on truth ... the end was very near. How many con men would stay with someone they conned, once found out?

[Aussie0zborn]

"taking control" can be as simple as correcting the balance of power within the relationship. Nothing to do with "controlling" another person.

They certainly don't like it.

[danley]

Boundary busting has happened on both me and my ex. I am better at withholding mine.  I will say that my ex sometimes seems to withhold his own. I notice when I am steering straight and keep within my boundaries, my ex sometimes goes out of his way to break thru to me. Somehow it bothers him that I don't talk to him or contact him or say/do what he expects from me. I think he might feel a loss of control over our interaction. He wants to be in control of how much or how little interaction and connection we have. And of course it's according to how he's feeling about himself at that moment. Unlike him, I don't have a lightswitch for my kindness and respect for others. But yet he requires a constant and consistent flow of attention even tho he can't reciprocate. The only power you can be in control of is your own. Do what's best to empower YOU.

[clover528]

I wont talk in terms of control here but I did want to chime in. They really wont stand for it. That said, it a defense mechanism. If they dont feel in control or having power they feel vulnerable. with pw BPD as I understand it and from my experience with my ex, it all leads to shame for them. They cant handle it. They have to be on top of "their" world. even if they have to make it up to make it happen. Hence, the lies and cognitive distortions. They will rage, shift blame and project to get back to being on top. Lets not forget the dreaded smear campaigns so many of us endure. Tread lightly and walk away.

clover

[bpdspell]

We all know that pwBPD have to be in control and hold the power. So what happens when the Non takes control and holds the power over the pwBPD?

In reality the only person we can have control over is ourselves. Sounds cliche but a thousand percent true.

People cannot be controlled, aren't designed to be controlled and only change when they're ready.

The BPD dance is a toxic one. Out of sheer frustration we sometimes will dupe ourselves into believing that we can beat them at their own game by stooping to their level. In reality it never works out that way because people with BPD aren't playing the Game of Thrones. They are really sick in the head and heart.

My ex did very hurtful and spiteful things to my ego. In my own childish vindictive heart I played tons of tit for tat games with my ex doing my damnedest to give him a taste of his own medicine. Including the silent treatment. Of course of all of my power tactics backfired because I didn't understand at the time that I was dealing with a mentally ill person who views the world through a toxic disordered lens. Stooping to his level did not give me control or power it just made things worse.

I essentially had no power because there's nothing that we can do to make a mentally ill person not mentally ill.  It's like bringing a nun chucks to World War Six.

Spell

[peas]

The power question is a good one.

My uBPDexbf once told me I held all the power in the relationship. I stared at him blankly -- I couldn't believe what I heard. Here is someone I thought I gave way too much power to. I handed this guy the keys to everything and put up with his abuse, doing anything to keep him "happy."

When he looked me in the eye that day, in a rare moment of honesty, and said I hold all the power in the relationship, it made me realize that he does think I control him, which suggests that he feels powerless, which probably fueled his anxiety, rage and fear of abandonment. It was astonishing that he didn't recognize how much he controlled me. 

We both saw the relationship as terribly uneven, thinking the other person had the control.

[papawapa]

When I finally stood up to her and took my power back she left and ran off with her daughter's bf.

[Clearmind]

We all know that pwBPD have to be in control and hold the power. So what happens when the Non takes control and holds the power over the pwBPD?

The relationship between a non and a BPD is all about control on both parts. Both vie for a postion in the relationship as both of your needs are not met. We try to change each other ----> conflict cycle.

[Learning_curve74]

My BPDex was a waif and never raged at me, at least in person. She would go passive-agressive in order to control

[KellyO]

What happened to me that the more I got control over myself and the more detached I became, the more he just found passive-aggressive ways to control me. Well, it is not control when it does not work anymore. I think he believed it is working, but actually I was following his every move and making notes in my mind. And so he just took the last weapon in his arsenal: he decided he will not have sex with me. He masked it again with fancy antics: "I need to get emotionally close to you to have sex with you". That was utter rubbish. I followed silently his behaviour for two months, and then I told him he gives me proper relationship or leaves me for good. He left me ("I'm too scared to have a relationship with anyone bla bla bla", and YAY for that!

In the beginning of our relationship he told me that with his ex-gf there was no sexlife at all in the last three years. So I could expect this to happen. It is his ultimate way to gain control over partner. You can't force man to have sex with you. For woman to have partner who refuses sex it is devastating for self-image, and he uses that.  For him this is a pattern, and when I saw that we are in that phase of the pattern, it was over. The other shoe had dropped, and when he had decided that his manparts are made of gold, it means there is nothing I can do but put the cards on the table and make him to reveal his cards.

My point is you can never have control over other person. They fight for control to the last breath, and you never win. You can learn to stick in you boundaries and detach, but you will not get control over them or the relationship. If they can't breake your boundaries, they dig a tunnel under them with the spoon.

[VeryFree]

I let her control me for about 8 years.

Finally I started to take matters in my own hand: doing things I liked (tried her to do those things with me), set boundaries about her treating me, and so on.

Since then things went from bad to worse.

For some BPD setting boundaries will mean structure and a better r/s.

For other BPD setting boundaries will mean loss of control and a bigger fear of abandonment, resulting in devilish behaviour.

[SarahinMA]

I was really hooked on my ex after he broke up with me 2 years ago.  Every time I would reach out to him, he would play victim.  But for some reason, I kept hanging on.  I thought it was love, but maybe it was more of a codependence.  Or maybe I was in the fixer mentality- I wanted to fix him.  Regardless, I had a hard time moving on.  Every time I was around, he would feed me lines to keep me hanging on.  How I never showed I loved him enough, how I was selfish in the relationship, how he could never make me happy.  Or he would bring up happy memories of us together.  These were all ego boosts for him... . seeing me sad and still loving him.  He relished in that... . if he was going to be sad and miserable, it was comforting that I was too.  He didn't want to be with me, but no one else should either. 

Finally, I picked up the pieces, went no contact and moved on.   I dated others, fell for others.  When he realized that he didn't have the power over me anymore, he went back to painting me black.  It's been 2 years, and he hasn't seriously dated anyone since me.  He loved knowing that he had me wrapped around his finger for so long and now that's not the case anymore.  He still takes jabs at me and our relationship, but now instead of arguing my case, I just walk away.  It's useless.  We share many mutual friends, so I have to be around him more than I like.  I just carry myself as the normal, happy, caring person that I am and he hates seeing that. 

[Scout99]

My uBPDexbf once told me I held all the power in the relationship. I stared at him blankly -- I couldn't believe what I heard. Here is someone I thought I gave way too much power to. I handed this guy the keys to everything and put up with his abuse, doing anything to keep him "happy."

When he looked me in the eye that day, in a rare moment of honesty, and said I hold all the power in the relationship, it made me realize that he does think I control him, which suggests that he feels powerless, which probably fueled his anxiety, rage and fear of abandonment. It was astonishing that he didn't recognize how much he controlled me. 

We both saw the relationship as terribly uneven, thinking the other person had the control.

This is very telling of the dynamic in a r/s with a BPD. They do not ever think they are in any control. And that is their truth. They claw however for gaining control over themselves, and or to avoid feeling pain, usually with not very successful results... . Inability to self soothe is one example.

In turn we feel controlled by them which usually stems from our own lack in control over ourselves and our projection and willingness to try to "fix" them... . It is from that dynamic between the two, that the toxicity comes... .

The big problem in many r/s with pw BPD is that the NON have issues of their own with co dependency or low self worth, making them too unable to uphold any control over themselves, and as a result the borderlines actions and reactions to avoid pain and fill their need for validation becomes very controlling of the non - simply because the NON lack control over him or herself.

So to answer the initial question - there is no power to take control over in the BPD... . since they have none to loose... . However if one tries to act in a controlling manner towards a pw BPD they will react to it from their fear of pain, and defend themselves... . and the problem is set off... .

The only thing you can ever control in life is yourself! And that part is usually hard enough to deal with if you are a person who allows yourself to be controlled by a borderlines albeit disordered attempts to gain control over themselves... . That is where we all have to start digging... .

Best Wishes

scout99

[charred]

To a degree we are projecting our way of seeing things on them and assuming they feel the power, since they are getting us to jump through hoops.

Same thing finally became clear to me ... . I read that only a mature adult can simultaneously hold conflicting emotions about things. That is realizing that there is both good and bad in someone for instance. My exBPDgf was triggered constantly by my mixed feelings toward my ex-wife, I had some resentment for things she had done, but still had love for her and did my best to make things work well for her and my daughter... . which infuriated my pwBPD... as she really couldn't see anything but black/white... either she was wonderful (in which case the exBPDgf was defeated because she felt inadequate to compete with her, was envious of me having had a daughter with her and of time she had with me)... or she was evil incarnate, and needed to be treated as "the enemy."

I kept getting in circular arguments because I assumed that "everyone knows there is good and bad in everyone"... . but that knows part is not true of everyone, as the global response of a little kid (splitting to all good/all bad)... can't do the mature adult response of simultaneously holding conflicting emotions about someone or something.

[ScotisGone74]

Honestly, the power shifted a while ago when I quit giving a flying flip about her or anything associated with her life.  I don't care what happens with her anymore, the person I loved and cared for is dead to me.  Its liberating to be able to do the things I want to do, not be a caretaker 24/7, and not have to put up with rage filled tantrums now. 

[Undone123]

What about post relationship, when you take control of your own life and doing what YOU want without regard for them?

Like I've unblocked social networking and stuff. I want to free myself of her, so am just going on like she's not in my life. Going places she wouldn't have liked me to go etc. Not because I want to control her, but because I want to control ME.

[Scout99]

Honestly, the power shifted a while ago when I quit giving a flying flip about her or anything associated with her life.  I don't care what happens with her anymore, the person I loved and cared for is dead to me.  Its liberating to be able to do the things I want to do, not be a caretaker 24/7, and not have to put up with rage filled tantrums now.  

I think maybe there is a question about semantics here. But there is something I don't get from this chain of reasoning... . So I hope you don't mind me asking?

But from what you write here, I assume this relationship is now over, and you have disengaged from your former partner? If so, how do you mean you now have power or control over her? Once you disengage there is no longer a relationship and nobody to hold power over anybody, from my perspective... . ?

About power... . There is a difference in feeling somebody is having power or holding control over you, and somebody actually doing so... .

A person may unknowingly have the effect of controlling another person without either wanting or knowing that they have that effect on somebody... . And if so- where in lies the problem? In the person not intending to take any power but because of the other persons perception of it gaining it anyway. Or in the person believing being controlled?

Just curious about how you look at these things... .

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Clearmind]

Honestly, the power shifted a while ago when I quit giving a flying flip about her or anything associated with her life.  I don't care what happens with her anymore, the person I loved and cared for is dead to me.  Its liberating to be able to do the things I want to do, not be a caretaker 24/7, and not have to put up with rage filled tantrums now. 

There was a power struggle from you both. It was never one sided. Folks with Borderline partners often struggle with their own issues around control.

If we didn't feel the need to control we would simply break up and let them go without the need to vent!

[ScotisGone74]

Honestly, the power shifted a while ago when I quit giving a flying flip about her or anything associated with her life.  I don't care what happens with her anymore, the person I loved and cared for is dead to me.  Its liberating to be able to do the things I want to do, not be a caretaker 24/7, and not have to put up with rage filled tantrums now. 

I think maybe there is a question about semantics here. But there is something I don't get from this chain of reasoning... . So I hope you don't mind me asking?

But from what you write here, I assume this relationship is now over, and you have disengaged from your former partner? If so, how do you mean you now have power or control over her? Once you disengage there is no longer a relationship and nobody to hold power over anybody, from my perspective... . ?

About power... . There is a difference in feeling somebody is having power or holding control over you, and somebody actually doing so... .

A person may unknowingly have the effect of controlling another person without either wanting or knowing that they have that effect on somebody... . And if so- where in lies the problem? In the person not intending to take any power but because of the other persons perception of it gaining it anyway. Or in the person believing being controlled?

Just curious about how you look at these things... . smiley

Best Wishes

Scout99




To get it straight, nothing in my post said that I have any power or control over Her.  It stated that the power shifted back to me when I quit caring, worrying, and caretaking for Her.  When we continue to pacify BPD's by jumping threw their hoops we are continuing to give away our power. 





Posted by: Clearmind

Insert Quote

Quote from: ScotisGone74 on Yesterday at 03:55:36 PM

Honestly, the power shifted a while ago when I quit giving a flying flip about her or anything associated with her life.  I don't care what happens with her anymore, the person I loved and cared for is dead to me.  Its liberating to be able to do the things I want to do, not be a caretaker 24/7, and not have to put up with rage filled tantrums now. 

There was a power struggle from you both. It was never one sided. Folks with Borderline partners often struggle with their own issues around control.

If we didn't feel the need to control we would simply break up and let them go without the need to vent!




What does venting have to do with control?  Because we vent unfortunately does not necessarily mean we had a need to control anyone.   I'd be interested to hear more about own own issues around control. 

I think its normal for most people to vent that have had their lives turned upside down and left confused about what happened without anything related for the need to control. 

[Clearmind]

US: Venting - is it healthy or unhealthy?

For some venting can be a way to control anger - temporary fix to a much deeper issue to resolve. Don't get me wrong I came here angry too - many of us do. In time we begin to process our role and find ways to process the hurt constructively - so it helps us long term.

Everyones time frame for healing is different.

hit

As far as the relationship dynamic - there are attempts to control one another as you each vie for a position in the relationship which leads to escalated conflict. Conflict ensues due to control. Its unfortunate that neither the partner nor the Borderline will get their needs met because neither really understand just how complicated the dysfunction is at the time!

[Scout99]

To get it straight, nothing in my post said that I have any power or control over Her.  It stated that the power shifted back to me when I quit caring, worrying, and caretaking for Her.  When we continue to pacify BPD's by jumping threw their hoops we are continuing to give away our power.  

Ok, but I still don't get fully what you are trying to say, and I think you are on to something important, about yourself that could be helpful to you, if nothing else... . So I will not just let it go just yet, Ok?

When something shifts, it has to shift from say X to Y... . When you write this, where do you mean the power shifted from?

When you were doing all of that caring and worrying and care taking for her, what was in that for you? What were you hoping to accomplish by doing all of those things? Was it perhaps to make her be nicer to you? Be happier? Or was it to try to improve the relationship between you? Or perhaps all of the above, or something else?

Whatever it was, there were elements of trying to gain control over her, over a chaotic situation, over circumstances... . Take your pick... .

And know this - we all do this... . Just becoming aware of when and why is a way to become more free, and feel less frustrated... .

When you write that "we are jumping through their hoops", that is to me a way to express you feeling controlled by her, and or her BPD... . That too is completely understandable, and something most of us feel, at least I know I did in my r/s with a NPD... .

The thing is, it is a result of two people not really in control of themselves, but who instead try to gain control by controlling the other... . You by trying to make her want to be nicer to you, and she by trying to make you focus yet more on her... . The irony of it is that none of you think you are making any progress but at the same time you both feel controlled by the other... . In a blunt way... . She holds up the hoop, but doesn't see when you jump through it, and you choose to jump, since nobody is forcing you... .

Then comes what you call the power shift... . Now I may be wrong here, but my guess is you mean that you took your power, (that you felt you had lost to her) back? And disengaged from the r/s.

what I am trying to tell you is that she never "took your power or control", you either gave it to her, or you lost control over yourself, not because of her, but because of you... .

At the same time, she never thought she had it... . And this is usually when these relationships get ugly, when there are two people who have lost control or never had any, but they are trying to get it from the other... .

Understanding the dynamics of this is an important key to full recovery from a relationship like this... . The thing is, you won't be able to see that you are in a dysfunctional situation or able to disengage until you take control over you... . Which is also what happened in the end for you.

It is only the part where you still blame her from taking something from you that you really gave to her willingly hoping to gain some control over her through doing so, that you need to untangle about yourself to be able to let go of the anger and frustration that you still carry around... . When and where you choose to let that baggage go, is however entirely up to you!

What does venting have to do with control?  Because we vent unfortunately does not necessarily mean we had a need to control anyone.   I'd be interested to hear more about own own issues around control.  

I think its normal for most people to vent that have had their lives turned upside down and left confused about what happened without anything related for the need to control.  

When we need to vent, that means there are still things we are frustrated about... . If frustrated we have not yet let go of something. Not letting go, is trying to hold on to something. Trying to hold on to something spells control... .

If we have a sound control over ourselves, that is we can look at a situation and not just see what the other person did that felt violating to us, but also see how we helped maintain an unsound situation by giving away our control over ourselves or by being passive or by trying to make the other person change, (trying to gain control over them). Then we can see the full picture, and learn from it to add to our experience and perhaps change the way we choose to act and care for ourselves in the future when encountering relationships?

If we don't get to the point where we can reflect over ourselves in the situation, the venting becomes never ending. It is like the movie only shows us half of the screen. And a lot of things remain questionmarks in our lives, and anger and frustration will linger for a long time to come... . And that I both stressful and doesn't teach us squat for the future... . And in all likelihood we will repeat the same behaviour over and over again until we get it... .

So - Venting to a certain degree is very healthy, and a way to help us figure out what we have been through. But preferably always with a focus on ourselves and our own actions, and not just the actions of the other... . We are actors in our own stories, not just victims... . But if we cling to the victim part, we are also still trying to control the other party by blaming them for controlling us... . Which also is not true in itself... . And at the same time we never get our own power and control over ourselves back... . So staying there is really just a loose loose for us... .

But just know this... . I have been struggling with these issues for more than three years, before I was ready to understand my own part in things... . So take your time, you are worth it!  

Best Wishes

Scout99

[VeryFree]

There was a power struggle from you both. It was never one sided. Folks with Borderline partners often struggle with their own issues around control.

If we didn't feel the need to control we would simply break up and let them go without the need to vent!

I think there's a difference between controlling the other and controlling yourself.

I've reached the point I don't want to control her and I do not want her to control me.

And there is a problem, because she tries from a distance to destroy my life:

By claiming absurd alimony.

By stealing (and not giving back) stuff that belongs to me (among that a lot of money, which leaves me with debts, while I should have enough money).

By painting me black all around.

By lying.

By picking unnecessary legal fights, which are costing me very much money ($ 20,000 and counting) and are free for her.

For her it is about maybe revenge, maybe money, maybe control. I don't know, I don't want to know. I just want my life back. Control over my own life. Start building again.

I understand that even controlling your own life isn't possible for 100%, but  right now I feel that I can control only 10%. 

[ScotisGone74]

Ok, but I still don't get fully what you are trying to say, and I think you are on to something important, about yourself that could be helpful to you, if nothing else... . So I will not just let it go just yet, Ok?


When something shifts, it has to shift from say X to Y... . When you write this, where do you mean the power shifted from?

When you were doing all of that caring and worrying and care taking for her, what was in that for you? What were you hoping to accomplish by doing all of those things? Was it perhaps to make her be nicer to you? Be happier? Or was it to try to improve the relationship between you? Or perhaps all of the above, or something else?

Whatever it was, there were elements of trying to gain control over her, over a chaotic situation, over circumstances... . Take your pick... .

And know this - we all do this... . Just becoming aware of when and why is a way to become more free, and feel less frustrated... .

Then comes what you call the power shift... . Now I may be wrong here, but my guess is you mean that you took your power, (that you felt you had lost to her) back? And disengaged from the r/s.

what I am trying to tell you is that she never "took your power or control", you either gave it to her, or you lost control over yourself, not because of her, but because of you... .

At the same time, she never thought she had it... . And this is usually when these relationships get ugly, when there are two people who have lost control or never had any, but they are trying to get it from the other... .

Understanding the dynamics of this is an important key to full recovery from a relationship like this... . The thing is, you won't be able to see that you are in a dysfunctional situation or able to disengage until you take control over you... . Which is also what happened in the end for you.

It is only the part where you still blame her from taking something from you that you really gave to her willingly hoping to gain some control over her through doing so, that you need to untangle about yourself to be able to let go of the anger and frustration that you still carry around... . When and where you choose to let that baggage go, is however entirely up to you!


Quote from: ScotisGone74 on Today at 01:53:47 AM

What does venting have to do with control?  Because we vent unfortunately does not necessarily mean we had a need to control anyone.   I'd be interested to hear more about own own issues around control. 

I think its normal for most people to vent that have had their lives turned upside down and left confused about what happened without anything related for the need to control. 

When we need to vent, that means there are still things we are frustrated about... . If frustrated we have not yet let go of something. Not letting go, is trying to hold on to something. Trying to hold on to something spells control... .

If we have a sound control over ourselves, that is we can look at a situation and not just see what the other person did that felt violating to us, but also see how we helped maintain an unsound situation by giving away our control over ourselves or by being passive or by trying to make the other person change, (trying to gain control over them). Then we can see the full picture, and learn from it to add to our experience and perhaps change the way we choose to act and care for ourselves in the future when encountering relationships?

If we don't get to the point where we can reflect over ourselves in the situation, the venting becomes never ending. It is like the movie only shows us half of the screen. And a lot of things remain questionmarks in our lives, and anger and frustration will linger for a long time to come... . And that I both stressful and doesn't teach us squat for the future... . And in all likelihood we will repeat the same behaviour over and over again until we get it... .

So - Venting to a certain degree is very healthy, and a way to help us figure out what we have been through. But preferably always with a focus on ourselves and our own actions, and not just the actions of the other... . We are actors in our own stories, not just victims... . But if we cling to the victim part, we are also still trying to control the other party by blaming them for controlling us... . Which also is not true in itself... . And at the same time we never get our own power and control over ourselves back... . So staying there is really just a loose loose for us... .




If you didn't fully get what I was saying I am a little confused on why you have so much to say about it.  To make it distinctively clear for a 'shift' to take place, it doesn't have to go from one person to another.  I

referred to it shifting back to me, the power I had given away in an attempt to meet another person's needs.  When a person cares for you it is generally a sign and show of love-which takes place in Most Normal relationships between two people.  Loving and caring about someone doesn't have to do with control, it is about giving of yourself in order to get it in return, which most BPD's are good at pretending to do at the beginning of the relationship. 

Venting is about getting things off of your chest that you cannot or will not say to the exBPD, how you get it is about Control I don't know, but that is your opinion.  Each relationship is different and each person involved with a BPD recover at a different rate, depending on the length of relationship, dynamics, family, etc. etc.  I appreciate your opinion but we will have to agree to disagree on that regard. 



Posted by: Clearmind

Insert Quote

US: Venting - is it healthy or unhealthy?

For some venting can be a way to control anger - temporary fix to a much deeper issue to resolve. Don't get me wrong I came here angry too - many of us do. In time we begin to process our role and find ways to process the hurt constructively - so it helps us long term.

Everyones time frame for healing is different.

hit

As far as the relationship dynamic - there are attempts to control one another as you each vie for a position in the relationship which leads to escalated conflict. Conflict ensues due to control. Its unfortunate that neither the partner nor the Borderline will get their needs met because neither really understand just how complicated the dysfunction is at the time!



I do agree that venting can be a way to control or dispense anger, but I don't believe that there always has to be a much deeper issue involved in us.  My role in the relationship was trusting, believing, and loving the other person, so how do you constructively process being hurt?   Besides the usual working out, talking, friends, and talking to a counselor?

[Suzn]

Just a friendly reminder. 

Guideline 3.1 -Advising and Supporting Others: Members should offer advice as peer opinions targeted directly to the host of the thread.