Anxiety during the good times

[O.Hi]

My girlfriend's unexpected rages and dysregulation are a constant source of anxiety for me. We've stayed together for 4 years because there are many great things about our relationship during the good times. The expectation of the next big incident is always in the back of my mind, though. My understanding of healthy relationships is that you feel comfortable and safe with your partner. If you always have to worry about unpredictable (and brutal) conflict, how do you ever feel safe?

I know there are methods for dealing with a person who is dysregulated. I'm applying some of them and they are helping make the fights less extreme. What I don't yet understand is dealing with the anxiety in the long term.

I'd really appreciate the perspective of someone who is staying and has been able to make peace with their situation.

• What did you have to do to accept your situation?



• Do you have a feeling of safety now?



• Does it still bother you that more dysregulation is inevitable?



• Do the doubts about the relationship ever go away or become less constant?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SadWifeofBPD]

What did you have to do to accept your situation?

Do you have a feeling of safety now?

Does it still bother you that more dysregulation is inevitable?

Do the doubts about the relationship ever go away or become less constant?

It will ALWAYS bother me that dysregulation is inevitable.  What's worse, is that as time goes on, it can happen anywhere... . in public, in front of strangers, in front of friends, in completely inappropriate settings.

The doubts never go away... . never.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

• What did you have to do to accept your situation?



• Do you have a feeling of safety now?



• Does it still bother you that more dysregulation is inevitable?



• Do the doubts about the relationship ever go away or become less constant?

I've been with my dBPDbf for 3 years, going from a very exhausting, stressful, high alert situation to a quite peaceful place. Granted, he is in therapy, but has so far been dealing with childhood issues and not BPD related behaviour.

So to answer your questions:

- To accept: I've been reading a lot about BPD from reputable sources, getting a good understanding about this mental illness. And consciously working on radical acceptance. And posting here, working on the tools like boundaries, time-outs and validation. And I've been doing therapy myself. It has all come together to where I'm at peace with the relationship, and even it my dBPDbf doesn't get any better than he is now, I'm happy to live with that.

- Feeling of safety: Well, yes because I'm more secure in myself and have confidence that I can handle the rough spots and I don't have the same need for validation from him that I did in the beginning. With me being more at peace (see my acceptance-answer), my partner is reacting less and hence giving a little more. And me needing less seems to want to make him give more.

- Dysregulation to come: no it doesn't bother me. I know I can handle it, I've confidence in myself and the tools. If it happens, it happens. The storm will pass.

- Doubts about the relationship: I've had periods where I've thought that the relationship wasn't viable. I don't anymore.

I know there are methods for dealing with a person who is dysregulated. I'm applying some of them and they are helping make the fights less extreme.

What are some things that you're doing that are working for you?

[rj47]

• What did you have to do to accept your situation?



• Do you have a feeling of safety now?



• Does it still bother you that more dysregulation is inevitable?



• Do the doubts about the relationship ever go away or become less constant?

Acceptance.

Never... . well maybe since I'm still here. Yes. Lets refer to it as an "armistice".

Safety.

So long as there is a large piece of furniture between us.

Inevitability of more dysregulation.

It angers me, but has caused me to focus on my own behavior and how I need to be better. Once we label them its too easy to claim victimhood in every respect. I can sense an onset days before a "full launch" and have learned to control the burn with proactive steps. Sometimes I am successful, sometimes not. Usually when not successful its because I've had enough and feel like the victim. They are easily manipulated by subtle passive aggressive tactics. So... . I prep for the dark clouds knowing that afterward we will have blue skies for a time.

Doubts?

They are there, but in my case I suspect that she will lose more than me. Even if she didn't, I figure I'm a better person for having gone through it with her for so many years. I know that she loves me, but will never likely be capable of loving me back the way I love her. I've laid out a few boundaries that are deal breakers. As much as she hates me during episodes there remains a spark of rationality in her that will not step over those lines.

If he is in therapy with an intuitive professional, eventually the discussion should move toward something you know. Its a good start.

My BPDw was initially diagnosed with PTSD from childhood trauma. Congenitally ill from childhood, her family situation was so messed up, I'm not surprised where she is today. I don't get angry that she becomes dyregulated... . I do get angry that she seems utterly incapable of "trying". Nevertheless, when she is stable she characterizes it as being unable to control this awful thing that is driving her to hurt me. She falls to pieces and begs forgiveness, but seems weakest to control it when she's exhausted and pain from the illnesses.

Hang in there.

rj

[waverider]

I no longer have anxiety about outbursts, a little frustration yes, but not fear. I have more self confidence in being able to defuse, repair and detach when necessary. I no longer fear conflict to the point that I am not afraid to bring up issues that I believe there is a good chance of being triggering.

I have come to accept these problems are my partners problems, not mine. I can choose to be elsewhere if it becomes unreasonable, or I can choose to stay. It is the knowledge that I have the power to choose, I am not doing this by default or out of obligation.

So frustration and at times anger. Anxiety is born out of fear. Learn to believe in yourself and the coping tools along with your own boundaries, and the fear and anxiety will be greatly reduced.

[SadWifeofBPD]

Does it still bother you that more dysregulation is inevitable?

I should have said more about this... .

Much depends on your pwBPD and whether they get "worse" as time goes on (which happens for a variety of reasons... . more pented up anger as time goes on, more things to complain about in the relationship, alcohol influence, drug influence, etc.

Early on, the dysregulations were so rare, that I wasn't anxious about them at all.  We could go places, and I rarely ever had a concern that H would say something inappropriate or lose his temper in public.  Although he did do it a couple of times which was embarrassiing.

  Then about 15 years into the relationship, the episodes started increasing in regularity... . going from maybe once a year, to twice a year, to monthly, to weekly and sometimes daily.   The "causes" were typically unresolved anger from "something else" that H "couldn't let go of".   It could be anger from someone at work, anger over the results of a political election, anger when one of his favorite teams lossed, or anger at something he claimed that I had done (but I hadn't done) and I wouldn't apologize for it (then that issue would pop up with almost daily regularity with him screaming that I'm a liar and that I need to apologize). 

Sometime around 13 years ago, H began drinking more and more.  I'm not exactly sure when this started to be excessive since he hid the booze and drank most of the quantities at night after I had fallen asleep.   

He claims that he began drinking because of "unresolved anger" (likely unvalidated issues involving fellow employees, me, the kids, his relatives, etc.   His drinking really started going out of control when he became very angry about 8 years ago when his family didn't make sure his dad got adequate healthcare, and his dad died.  He's never gotten over that... . and still rages about that regularly.  (I empathized throughout the whole ordeal, but my empathy meant little because I wasn't the cause of the dad dying.  He wanted (and still wants) his family to beg forgiveness and admit their mistake regarding their dad's inadequate healthcare.)

Two years ago, we had to leave a restaurant because H began tormenting me because we had experienced a lot of traffic driving to the place (which was "my fault" since I had picked the restaurant.  ugh!) .  A fellow customer first came up to us and told my H to "knock it off or he'd call the police".  H wouldn't stop.  Then another male customer told H to stop.  Then the manager came up to us and told H that he had to leave.  During the entire ordeal, I said not one word, hoping that my silence (along with eye contact) would convey that this wasn't the right place to have such a discussion.  Our adult aged sons were QUIETLY telling their dad to stop, be quiet, etc. 


So, my point is... . if your pwBPD would never cause a scene, then maybe the "fear" or "anxiety" is less or no-existant.  However, if your pwBPD has "no filter" and no sense of decorum when out in public, then anxiety is going to be constant. 

[O.Hi]

Thanks for the responses, guys.

What are some things that you're doing that are working for you?

Ignoring the "facts" of the situation that has triggered her and paying attention to the emotions she is feeling. If I can make physical contact before the point of no return, it can defuse the situation. Massaging alters her mood in a way that my words never have. The odd contradiction is that when she is getting angry and pushing me away, what she really wants is love and intimacy. If she gets too dysregulated, she is disgusted by any of my attempts to touch her, and it's going to be a long, awful fight. When she gets abusive, I'm trying to consistently leave the house for a set period of time.

I have come to accept these problems are my partners problems, not mine. I can choose to be elsewhere if it becomes unreasonable, or I can choose to stay. It is the knowledge that I have the power to choose, I am not doing this by default or out of obligation.

I'll make that mentality a goal.



SadWifeofBPD, your post touches on a lot of my concerns. My girlfriend drinks at least a bottle of wine every day. There have been a few "public" incidents, but they have mainly been around groups of friends that also drink heavily and openly fight.

I raised the issue of her drinking very carefully during a couples counseling session and it touched a nerve. Huge fight afterwards. It came up during every fight for months as an example of how terrible I am.

I hear her describe her drinking habits to others frequently, and I don't think she realizes how extreme it is. Her father drank during the day, hiding vodka around the house. To her, that is what alcoholism is. Drinking 6-10 white wine spritzers every single night and then getting very sad and/or starting a fight doesn't qualify for her.

As I'm trying to decide if I can do this in the long term, I'm wondering if she will ever get her drinking under control or if she will get worse over time.

[SadWifeofBPD]

When I began telling my H that he's an alcoholic, he LOUDLY denied that he had a drinking problem.  Then about 5 years ago, H drank so much one night that he fell out of bed and could not be woken up.  I didn't know he had been drinking, so I thought he had had a stroke or something.  So, I called 911.

At the hospital, after many tests, I was told that he was VERY drunk.  (I was humiliated because I had told them he hadn't been drinking that night... . because I never saw him drink that night.  I didn't even know we had any booze in the house that night.  ugh!)

That very expensive episode (our 10% insurance copayment was over $900!) opened H's eyes a bit, and he began admitting that he had a problem. He said he could stop and would stop (he didn't stop). 

The "hidden secret drinking" kept on and on... . and so the episodes became more and more frequent.  He'd secretly chug some booze in the evenings, and then begin raging "out of the blue" over some minor thing... . even if we had been having a very nice loving evening!

My sister is a T, and she insists that BPD and a drinking problem are just "too much" to handle.  She's readiy admitted that T's avoid these folks like the plague because they're just too difficult and abusive.  These addict BPDs will fill up their phone message machines with long-winded messages, and when they're used up all the message space, they'll call one of the T's colleagues and leave messages there as well!

A Non person can't even really make adequate headway (personal changes, etc) because the alcohol abuse is such a major problem.  Any normal filters or self-control are completely obliterated.  You're not just dealing with a 2 year old mind at this point. 

You (the non) can have gone to sleep without any issues that night, but as the addict becomes more intoxicated, their anger and impulsiveness grows (all while you're asleep!).  Suddenly, you're woken up by someone standing over you yelling about something that happened a year ago, or something that they accused you a year ago (in my case, one time, my H woke me up to yell at me about an "affair" that I never had!)   The "window" to have defused any of this passed while you were asleep, so you're rather helpless in this situation.


If you're SO is drinking even a half a bottle of wine every night, that is too much.  The fact that she's drinking a bottle or more is a serious problem.  She can deny it all she wants.  That's alcoholism. Pure and simple.

[waverider]

When I began telling my H that he's an alcoholic, he LOUDLY denied that he had a drinking problem.  Then about 5 years ago, H drank so much one night that he fell out of bed and could not be woken up.  I didn't know he had been drinking, so I thought he had had a stroke or something.  So, I called 911.

At the hospital, after many tests, I was told that he was VERY drunk.  (I was humiliated because I had told them he hadn't been drinking that night... . because I never saw him drink that night.  I didn't even know we had any booze in the house that night.  ugh!)

That very expensive episode (our 10% insurance copayment was over $900!) opened H's eyes a bit, and he began admitting that he had a problem. He said he could stop and would stop (he didn't stop). 

The "hidden secret drinking" kept on and on... . and so the episodes became more and more frequent.  He'd secretly chug some booze in the evenings, and then begin raging "out of the blue" over some minor thing... . even if we had been having a very nice loving evening!

My sister is a T, and she insists that BPD and a drinking problem are just "too much" to handle.  She's readiy admitted that T's avoid these folks like the plague because they're just too difficult and abusive.  These addict BPDs will fill up their phone message machines with long-winded messages, and when they're used up all the message space, they'll call one of the T's colleagues and leave messages there as well!

A Non person can't even really make adequate headway (personal changes, etc) because the alcohol abuse is such a major problem.  Any normal filters or self-control are completely obliterated.  You're not just dealing with a 2 year old mind at this point. 

You (the non) can have gone to sleep without any issues that night, but as the addict becomes more intoxicated, their anger and impulsiveness grows (all while you're asleep!).  Suddenly, you're woken up by someone standing over you yelling about something that happened a year ago, or something that they accused you a year ago (in my case, one time, my H woke me up to yell at me about an "affair" that I never had!)   The "window" to have defused any of this passed while you were asleep, so you're rather helpless in this situation.


If you're SO is drinking even a half a bottle of wine every night, that is too much.  The fact that she's drinking a bottle or more is a serious problem.  She can deny it all she wants.  That's alcoholism. Pure and simple.

So been there and it is a long hard road out of it, especially if you have no idea about BPD as well. But things can get better, albeit slowly