I tried out new behavior-got different results at least

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

When my xpwBPD/NPD told me to go this time I decided I was not going to beg him to not do this as I had several times before. I started moving out. I had told him during our last fight that if he broke up with me again, & tried the bs he pulled last time-ignoring me then texting then condescending to see me then ignoring me again and contacting me 4 days after I caught him with another woman and told him no contact etc. etc. over and over again for 5 months, I would get a restraining order. I would think we were done and start feeling better and all the sudden he's texting me again. I knew my behavior was crazy but I couldn't seem to resist him. Then I started reading up on BPD. That helped somewhat but I still went back to him. This time I told him it was the last time because I can't do the make-up/break-up cycle-it is too emotionally expensive. So last time I continued to be loving-talking to him hugging-even kissing and of course NSA sex! This time I was polite while I was moving out but I stopped all the loving behavior and avoided being around him as much as possible. OMG talk about Mount Vesuvius erupting! He ended up bringing the last of my stuff over and throwing it in the yard! His rage was totally out of control and scared me to death. Maybe I went too far. I just wanted to not play the game and treat him the way his behavior deserved. There is a thing called consequences he didn't seem to get. You treat a person that you claimed to love like a piece of trash-they don't feel kindly toward you anymore. That's the way it is in the real world. I think he thought it would be just like last time. After he'd had his fill of sleeping around,toying with me and punishing me for my transgressions-we could go back to how we were before. I think he counted on that & I pulled the rug out from under him. Imagine that! I still don't feel good about it. It felt like I was being mean to him & I don't like doing that to people I love. I knew I had no choice-I did not want to go through that again.And I knew I had to act differently. He put me in a no-win situation and I did what had to be done. I just wish there was a kinder way that wouldn't involve letting him take advantage of me again. They just don't get the whole love thing. Even if you show them-it makes it worse. Now it has been 2 and 1/2 weeks with no contact-that is the longest we have ever gone. So I achieved what I wanted-which was a clean break. Now I am dealing with all the crappy feelings. Anybody else have this happen?

[Undine]

When my xpwBPD/NPD told me to go this time I decided I was not going to beg him to not do this as I had several times before. I started moving out. I had told him during our last fight that if he broke up with me again, & tried the bs he pulled last time-ignoring me then texting then condescending to see me then ignoring me again and contacting me 4 days after I caught him with another woman and told him no contact etc. etc. over and over again for 5 months, I would get a restraining order. I would think we were done and start feeling better and all the sudden he's texting me again. I knew my behavior was crazy but I couldn't seem to resist him. Then I started reading up on BPD. That helped somewhat but I still went back to him. This time I told him it was the last time because I can't do the make-up/break-up cycle-it is too emotionally expensive. So last time I continued to be loving-talking to him hugging-even kissing and of course NSA sex! This time I was polite while I was moving out but I stopped all the loving behavior and avoided being around him as much as possible. OMG talk about Mount Vesuvius erupting! He ended up bringing the last of my stuff over and throwing it in the yard! His rage was totally out of control and scared me to death. Maybe I went too far. I just wanted to not play the game and treat him the way his behavior deserved. There is a thing called consequences he didn't seem to get. You treat a person that you claimed to love like a piece of trash-they don't feel kindly toward you anymore. That's the way it is in the real world. I think he thought it would be just like last time. After he'd had his fill of sleeping around,toying with me and punishing me for my transgressions-we could go back to how we were before. I think he counted on that & I pulled the rug out from under him. Imagine that! I still don't feel good about it. It felt like I was being mean to him & I don't like doing that to people I love. I knew I had no choice-I did not want to go through that again.And I knew I had to act differently. He put me in a no-win situation and I did what had to be done. I just wish there was a kinder way that wouldn't involve letting him take advantage of me again. They just don't get the whole love thing. Even if you show them-it makes it worse. Now it has been 2 and 1/2 weeks with no contact-that is the longest we have ever gone. So I achieved what I wanted-which was a clean break. Now I am dealing with all the crappy feelings. Anybody else have this happen?

[Gaslit]

You absolutely were not being mean to him. He has been mean to you.

You have freewill and can leave just as you did. Period.

And I agree, we show people how to treat us. And he was used to treating you badly without consequences.

It is why they say leaving them is kind. It stops the back and forth for both of you, and lets them fail. They need to fail to learn.

[Learning_curve74]

You absolutely were not being mean to him. He has been mean to you.

You have freewill and can leave just as you did. Period.

And I agree, we show people how to treat us. And he was used to treating you badly without consequences.

It is why they say leaving them is kind. It stops the back and forth for both of you, and lets them fail. They need to fail to learn.

/truth!

I've come to the conclusion that it is MORE loving to break it off and have them hurt than to continue to enable their dysfunctional behaviors. I am still heartbroken, but we are adults and have to realize we can't always get what we want.  :'(

[GreenMango]

Anybody else have this happen?

When you change your behavior from the expected it triggering an extinction burst is pretty common.  Personal responsibility and consequences interfere with the emotional reasoning.  I wouldn't count on him getting this part - sounds like he feels victimized and isn't able to accept his behavior as destructive.  This disorder is basically relationship destructive if you are expecting reasonable. 

This push pull is common too.  Same with the emotional rescuing and capitulation by partners.  It keeps that dance going.  When you don't do it anymore a revolt happens and it can up the ante on "throwing your stuff in the yard" antics.

Good to hear you made a decision based on your needs. Huge questions to ask yourself - that many if us probably didn't ask in the beginning or think about - is this behavior something I want to deal with the rest of my life?  Can I cope with a partner who struggles with x, y, z? Etc.

[Undine]

Thank you so much for these comments. In reply to your question-no, I simply cannot deal with being kicked out on my a_ _ every time we have a disagreement. How can you build any kind of lasting relationship in the midst of that? I can cope with the rest of it -even though it's hard. I only had 2 boundaries-do not cheat on me and do not break up with me when you are in the midst of a fight with me. He steamrolled over that last one and I have no way of knowing whether he abided by the 1st. I have no intention of initiating contact now-I know it would undo all that I sought to achieve. Based on his behavior he will not try to contact me which is a relief. Of course I am struggling with withdrawal & all the rest.I know that abusive relationships form the strongest bonds which I feel is completely unfair and I have let the universe know how mad it makes me Oh well-every day out makes it easier.

[GreenMango]

What the pros say is two people get into these relationships because of the matched maturity.


One aspect of that can be... .

One person not respecting boundaries and the other not having good boundaries.

As you started to introspect and make changes (mature) he didn't.  Making for all kinds of choas and incompatibility.

Maturity can be hard sometimes and not feel real good.   

[Undine]

Thank you for responding-actually boundaries are something I have been working on for some time. I was well aware that I had issues with them. I had no way of knowing that this relationship was going to give me so much to work on! I was attracted to this guy because he did not have a drinking problem.I was married to an alcoholic/addict for 20 years & was very vigilant. I was so busy looking for alcoholism I didn't see the red flags in front of my face! I had no experience with any person like him in my adult life. I was aware that things were wrong & I kept periodically dragging him to counseling from the time of our 1st break-up which was about 9 months. I stood my ground with him from the beginning on many fronts but he just kept sliding around & finding new ways to run right over me(& it was so effortless for him!). I feel that I practiced acceptance with him a little too well. After all, everyone has their own issues right? A lot of things were clarified for me in dealing with him which was good. I feel like the price I paid was a little too high. I did love him and I feel so sad that he is unable to feel that(he really doesn't know what it is like). I think his condition has deteriorated in the last few years. I wonder if that happens when a pwBPD gets older. Anyway- for him it was all about how dissatisfied he was with me and I became sick of it. All the magic just doesn't seem worth it when they can tip you out of the boat without blinking an eye and go on their merry way. Even though my alcoholic loved his alcohol more than me, I am very sure he loved me & could experience that feeling. It was disappointing to find out my pwBPD could not and it has taken me a long time to accept this. So which is better, unhealthy love or no love? I don't know -each has their own demons. All I know is I can't help either one & I don't want to. I was worried that I had fallen into the pity trap and mistook pity for love but I found it to be untrue. I have great admiration for the good he could manifest.I had compassion for him and I loved him where he was, for who he was. I make no apology for that.