Words They Like To Hear.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Are there any?  What can a Non say to a pwBPD that would make them feel more relaxed in the relationship?

Or is it a case of no matter what is said, they will always behave on the manner they do.

[Willingtolearn]

Are there any?  What can a Non say to a pwBPD that would make them feel more relaxed in the relationship?

Or is it a case of no matter what is said, they will always behave on the manner they do.

[almostez]

As far as I know there are no magic words that can be used to make a pwBPD feel better etc... .   The main problem is that you can say something that would be very reassuring to a non, but the pwBPD hears something completely different.  There were windows of lucidity where my BPDex and I could talk and my point would get through to her but these were rare occasions. There are methods of communications I learned in "Walking on Eggshells" and "I Hate You, Please Don't Leave me", but I think it will take a lot of trial and error to make them work for an individuals situation. I highly recommend both of these books for anyone with a pwBPD in their lives.

[Notthesame64]

A perfect example of what you are talking about is:

My BPDex who has MS (multiple Sclerosis) would self loath himself all the time... part of his depression and image of himself.  He wanted love but never felt loved even though I would spend hours trying to tell him how wonderful he was, what a good person he was, and how much I loved him... pointing out all of his wonderful qualities.   But, instead of seeing me, hearing the words I was saying to him... he still would sit there and say, I know you love me but who is going to love me with a disease. (looking right at me!).  Damn near brought me to tears.   However, in the end, he got his greatest fear to become a reality.  I left and now who will love him with a disease.  See how that works?  mind boggling... it really is!

[Gaslit]

Lying through my teeth, whenever I would say, "I think you are a good person."

Boom! Super happy, no matter the reality.

Says a lot I think. I really do believe that there is an awareness of their inner struggles and while it doesn't prevent them from being bad, they still like to 'think' they are good. I think 'good' is their unreachable goal, or what they want to project outwardly, and so they love to pretend they are indeed good. Facts be damned.