NC and Kids from different Dads

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello,  I've read a lot on this board in the past month, but I am struggling with NC now just over three weeks.  I re-cycled for a few weeks with her in July before that we had NC for two months, I mean zero contact.

She seems to be willing to just let go for good now since she has hooked up with some rich guy and is in the midst of that new conquest.  We had a date for dinner one night in July and  right before we were to meet she sent me a text stating "I'm sorry, I cannot continue to see you. I've met someone else and he and I are going to be exclusive".   I texted her back a few times.  No reply.  I found out from her mom she is 'happy' with this new wealthy find.   Well, I know what a joke exclusivity is with her and  I know I should take this as an opportunity to run but as you know it's not that easy.  While I don't necessarily want a relationship, I want something.  Not sure what.  I am doing a lot of self -examination as well.  One other complication, I was with her 3.5 years and established a fatherly type role with her two kids from different two different dads.  I miss them, but I have no legal rights to speak to them.

So two questions:

How long NC do things start feeling better?

Anyone know how do deal with non-biological kids you've established relationships with? Should I just let them go as well?

[bettermentofsociety]

Hello,  I've read a lot on this board in the past month, but I am struggling with NC now just over three weeks.  I re-cycled for a few weeks with her in July before that we had NC for two months, I mean zero contact.

She seems to be willing to just let go for good now since she has hooked up with some rich guy and is in the midst of that new conquest.  We had a date for dinner one night in July and  right before we were to meet she sent me a text stating "I'm sorry, I cannot continue to see you. I've met someone else and he and I are going to be exclusive".   I texted her back a few times.  No reply.  I found out from her mom she is 'happy' with this new wealthy find.   Well, I know what a joke exclusivity is with her and  I know I should take this as an opportunity to run but as you know it's not that easy.  While I don't necessarily want a relationship, I want something.  Not sure what.  I am doing a lot of self -examination as well.  One other complication, I was with her 3.5 years and established a fatherly type role with her two kids from different two different dads.  I miss them, but I have no legal rights to speak to them.

So two questions:

How long NC do things start feeling better?

Anyone know how do deal with non-biological kids you've established relationships with? Should I just let them go as well?

[Dave44]

Same situation for me just not as long as time spent dating one another. Really, really connected with her two kids (from two different dads). It's probably been one of the hardest parts about it. When she kicked me out I didn't even get to say goodbye to the kids. They went to school one day and came home and I was gone. I have never heard a single word from her again... . ever.

I often wonder what the kids think happened to me? However, after doing some research on my ex and digging into her past I realized I was just one of a long list of men brought into her kids life only to abruptly leave (not on their terms). Must be pretty sad growing up with endless amounts of guys coming into your moms life and playing the daddy role only to disappear.

Lastly, the kids never spoke highly of any of my ex's previous men. Which leads me to believe she manipulated them to "paint them black" just as she had done. They're probably speaking negatively of me to the new guy right now... .

[Mutt]

Lastly, the kids never spoke highly of any of my ex's previous men. Which leads me to believe she manipulated them to "paint them black" just as she had done. They're probably speaking negatively of me to the new guy right now... .

Yes. They are painted black and it's also for sympathy. Same thing is going on with me. The wife is with a replacement and she speaks badly about me. I'm in the same boat as her exe's. I was sympathetic towards her when she was talking about how bad her exes were.

[Gaslit]

bettermentofsocie... As a strategy point, the absolute worst thing you can do is to reach out to her. NC on your part will likely lesson their relationship time, and problems between them will arise much sooner.

Conversely, contact from you will tighten their false bond. Contact will strengthen their relationship as you become the "whipping boy" that bonds them together.

I'm hesitant to tell you the above, but anyone who has been through it, knows this is the case.

It's all about the triangle, the 3-legged stool. Remove a leg, and it all comes crashing down.

All this said... . RUN! It's your best option.

[Mutt]

bettermentofsocie... As a strategy point, the absolute worst thing you can do is to reach out to her. NC on your part will likely lesson their relationship time, and problems between them will arise much sooner.

Conversely, contact from you will tighten their false bond. Contact will strengthen their relationship as you become the "whipping boy" that bonds them together.

I'm hesitant to tell you the above, but anyone who has been through it, knows this is the case.

It's all about the triangle, the 3-legged stool. Remove a leg, and it all comes crashing down.

All this said... . RUN! It's your best option.

This makes a lot of sense. I have felt the same way with the way she is currently treating me. I'm the persecutor, she's the victim and he's the knight in shining armor. If I take myself out of the equation, then the rages and blaming goes on him.

[Gaslit]

Exacto Mutt!

Still, it's a short term solution in that BPD is un-winable over the long haul.

But this keeps your dignity while knowing you are absolutely not helping with the current relationship.

[Mutt]

@bettermentofsociet I was with my uBPD for 8 years and she had a child from a previous relationship. I have 3 kids with my ex. My uBPD used to get in the middle of me and my step daughter all of the time (females in my family were always a target and not the males except me the SO) but we had a good relationship when we were alone without the ex around. My wife packed it in, took the kids and moved out and is with the other man that she as seeing in the last few months of our relationship.

To get to my point, and sorry for taking your thread off topic, she cut me off completely from my step daughter for the last 5 months. She ejected her and sent her to her dad's because she is old enough to fight back and my ex was raging on her all of the time because I'm out, and the OM was not at sleeping over at her place all of the time.

I'm going to court for my kids for 50/50 custody and I'm going to court for her as well too. She is going to return in a year. The BP rage will be at home with OM and it will be toxic. My step daughter is like my daughter, and she's a part of my family with my kids is the way that I see it. If I can be the balance that she's lacking when she gets back and re-establish a relationship with her, it's worth pursuing. I'm the only person that truly knows what's happening to her at home and I want to be there for her. If it's in your heart, maintain a relationship.

[bettermentofsociety]

Dave44, Gaslit and Mutt... .

Thanks so much for your insightful responses.  It helps a lot just to know what you've all been through.  I know that I am not alone. 

Dave44,  That sucks that you've had to endure the same situation. Having done the same and really connected with her two kids (from two different dads).  And I concur that it's probably been one of the hardest parts about it. That is the worst that she kicked you out you didn't even get to say goodbye to the kids. How long has it been for you? I too know that I am simply one of many in a long list as you are.   I know that the kids never spoke highly of any of my ex's previous men either. And I concur that she manipulated them to "paint them and me black" as she is doing to the new guy.  What an terrible way to live... . poor kiddos!


Mutt, I concur that this makes total sense.  it is the same. and yes, they are painted black and it's also for sympathy. Always the exes are the worst, me included.  What a web of lies they weave!

Gaslit,  Yes I concur that as a strategy point, the absolute worst thing I can do is to reach out to her. NC is best on my part and perhaps will lessen their r/s time.

You are right that contact from me could tighten their false bond and maybe my contact will strengthen their relationship as I become the "whipping boy" that bonds them together.  I am gettin' ready to RUN.  Like Forrest Gump.

[Mutt]

 @bettermentofsociet Your welcome :-) The condition is always there. The   were there for me at the beggining,  and I sensed them, but ignored them. Right now she has her mask on and the BPD has to come out. It comes out with denigrading and smearing the ex (it's also a double edged sword because the boyfriend will feel sympathy, how could these guys be so bad to this woman?) and by getting dysregulated on you instead of him, once the honeymoon ends the focus will shift. Don't be an outlet for her, don't soothe her, have it shift on the bf. You've done your tour of duty.

[Dave44]

Dave44, Gaslit and Mutt... .

Thanks so much for your insightful responses.  It helps a lot just to know what you've all been through.  I know that I am not alone. 

Dave44,  That sucks that you've had to endure the same situation. Having done the same and really connected with her two kids (from two different dads).  And I concur that it's probably been one of the hardest parts about it. That is the worst that she kicked you out you didn't even get to say goodbye to the kids. How long has it been for you? I too know that I am simply one of many in a long list as you are.   I know that the kids never spoke highly of any of my ex's previous men either. And I concur that she manipulated them to "paint them and me black" as she is doing to the new guy.  What an terrible way to live... . poor kiddos!

I am now into month 9. It's been long and excruciating. I miss my ex a lot but it pails in comparison to how much I miss her two girls. I'd also like to add that she kicked me out of her place 27 days after moving in with her and her two kids. When I moved in with her I sold, gave away and or threw away everything that I owned except my vehicle, my TV and my clothes. When she was kicking me out I begged her not to do this, I had no where to go? She didn't care one bit. So, I left with my clothes and my TV and went to a hotel for a week before I found a one bedroom apt to rent. I have never heard a single word from her since.

[bettermentofsociety]

I have not seen the kids in about a month now and I feel like contacting her just to say hi to them.  What a messed up situation.  Everyone says I should just move on and not "worrry" about her and hope the best for the children.  It's not that easy.

She is with some new guy now so that complicates it further.  I am sure she has love bombed him the past month and he is now enmeshed into her.  As I was at the one month mark of our relationship. 

With the NC is the right answer to continue it  or contact her and ask to speak to the kids?

Sucks!

[dangoldfool]

@bettermentofsociet Your welcome :-) The condition is always there. The   were there for me at the beggining,  and I sensed them, but ignored them. Right now she has her mask on and the BPD has to come out. It comes out with denigrading and smearing the ex (it's also a double edged sword because the boyfriend will feel sympathy, how could these guys be so bad to this woman?) and by getting dysregulated on you instead of him, once the honeymoon ends the focus will shift. Don't be an outlet for her, don't soothe her, have it shift on the bf. You've done your tour of duty.

In one way this sound like the best thing to do, NC. But so difficult to do at the same time.

I think, in the back of my head, I want the new relationship to fail badly, and the new BF to get dumped as hard as me. Maybe that's me being mean or something. But this guy knew we were in a relationship. And just walked right on in. So I hope she reels him in, and throat hooks him. I don't want her back. I just want her to suffer some pain that she seems to have side stepped away from, dropping me on my head. &%$^**^.

[Mutt]

But this guy knew we were in a relationship. And just walked right on in. So I hope she reels him in, and throat hooks him. I don't want her back. I just want her to suffer some pain that she seems to have side stepped away from, dropping me on my head. &%$^**^.

Same thing happened to me. 4 small kids at home and he walked right in while we were together. That tells me there's something wrong with him. Lack of boundaries and morales. From what I gather BPD latch unto people that lack boundaries. I had more than him because I would never pull a stunt like that. Someone's else kids don't seem to phase him, as he has none of his own. He may outlast my relationship with her. I was with her for 8 years, the longest she's ever had. What I do know is that the red flags are there during their honeymoon and the craziness will ensue shortly thereafter. It's how much he can tolerate I guess. So far kids, custody battle in court with my wife and a divorce doesn't seem to bother him one bit. I feel the same way.

Everyone that I know keep telling me, it's summer vacation the kids being at home or around him all of the time are going to bother him, he'll want to go hang out with his buddies instead, it won't last because it's a rebound relationship, fighting with me for custody and divorce is going to put pressure on them, yada-yada. This guy is as resillient as a cockroach. She's hinted at moving to his town once her lease is up too, so in with him and That's when we'll be separated for a year.

[bettermentofsociety]

dangoldfool,  I gotcha.  I know exactly what you feel.  I drafted that letter to her new "bf" and I am contemplating sending that to him.  What a bunch of ___ this disease is. I concur, on one hand I wish the worst on them.  I hope their relationship is doomed to spiral toward the abyss as ours did, I also hope that they fail soon so I can at least have some gratification in that.

I know that is not right, but we all do it, but just don't want to admit it.

I will not contact her to talk to the kids today or tomorrow.  Maybe in the future.

It is just very discouraging that this illness exists and that people are subjected to it. Like myself, a person with co-dependent tendencies and the desire to fix others.

I do miss the kids and wish I could talk to them without the complications of the Borderline ex getting into the mix.

Mutt,  sounds like your ex's new man lacks the morals, and he's just into her "love bomb" likely.  She is throwing herself at him as mine is her new bf.  What a weird thing, most Nons and normal people have to endure huh? 

'

I hope that you can have a relationship with her kids in the future.  I hope to be able to talk to my exes kids and make sure that they know I care for them despite their mother's lack of life skills.