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Author Topic: wondering about the dreams and reliving/thinking about the RS  (Read 496 times)
tomjon78
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« on: August 17, 2013, 03:11:25 PM »

I have been posting on a thread which has been ongoing for a few weeks but I decided to post a new thread about the constant nightmares/dreams and having on on my mind dozens a time every day.

It´s been a few months now since we finally parted. I have been going through a lot emotions. Anger, self doubt, hurt, missing her etc. etc.

The thing that has been troubling me is firstly the re-living of our moments. Both the good ones and the bad? The whole relationship was 18 months and I have never been in my life so "in love" (or under a spell). The good things were so many. We bonded emotionally, we had kids from former rs. and all the family structure and relationship between us was great. The sex was fantastic. Our intimacy was very good. I fell flat for this woman and felt things I´ve never felt before. Then of course like many here I saw the cracks on this beautiful rs. Her lies, past, and the BPD symptoms we have talked about here.

I sometimes get caught thinking about these moments. A place, a restaurant, a smell, a moment, a date and many things trigger this. It can be quite painful.

And to tell you it´s something I have never felt before. I have had serious traumas in my life (father in jail, sexually abused, handicapped daughter, a divorce with my former wife) but I have always managed to work through these events.

Then the nightmares and dreams. I can have many days I have recurring nightmares about me being with here, other men being with her and I´m so tired of it.

There have been moments I have been really down and even thinking I won´t go through this but in between I am trying to do positive things.

I´m seeing my T. regularly but I´m so tired of talking about her/sometimes even ashamed. I just don´t know what do to slow this down... .

Can anyone give me some advice or tell me if the know these feelings I´m going through?

B.T.W in 3 weeks I have to go to a wedding and she will be there (that´s another dilemma)

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tomjon78
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« Reply #1 on: August 18, 2013, 05:57:34 AM »

Woke up this morning and had another terrible dream about her. I really think i´m going crazy. I woke up thinking she was at my door and I felt I even heard her banging on it.

I just not at a good place. The strange thing about this is that I feel like at some point in our relationship I maybe could have fixed this.

Waking up like this many times a week is so draining... . and I just am so tired of this and feel so angry towards myself for being so weak.

I just wish I never had met her.
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Surnia
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: 8 y married, divorced since 2012-11-22
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« Reply #2 on: August 18, 2013, 06:18:09 AM »

Nightmares are terrible and draining! 

I have two thoughts, one goes in direction of PTSD, I think, repeating nightmares are one of the symptoms. Did you spoke with your T about it?

What about some self suggestion like: Its a dream, not reality. I want to weak up as early as possible from this dream? I want be awake and tell her she has to go... .

Are the dreams in the middle of the night or more in the morning? I am asking bc I am dreaming less or at least I remember less when I do not sleep too long.

About feeling ashamed about seing the T with the same topic... . I can relate very much. The inner should voice. I should overcome this, I should be a better client for my T... . Can you share this with your T too?

Take care Tomjon!
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“Don’t shrink. Don’t puff up. Stand on your sacred ground.”  Brené Brown
tomjon78
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« Reply #3 on: August 18, 2013, 06:48:11 AM »

These dreams are mostly in the middle of the night... . I woke up 3.30 am and went to sleep at midnight. I have talked about PTSD with my T. and it is certainly something we are talking about. Not only regarding my ex BPD but also about the stress of having a handicapped child.

I´m seeing my T. on tuesday and I want to try to put my therapy into some kind of working system. Not only going to release my "troubles of the week". He says I have some work to do and I have to see one day at a time and concentrate on my basic routines. He says I have depression symptoms and my obsessive thinking about my ex is something we are working on. But progress is slow.

I have been very tired and my sleeping is not so good so I have been taking some Melantonin to help me.

I miss her very much these days and try to think about the bad times to soothe and put things in perspective but that method is not working as well as before.

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Surnia
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« Reply #4 on: August 18, 2013, 10:50:08 AM »

I´m seeing my T. on tuesday and I want to try to put my therapy into some kind of working system. Not only going to release my "troubles of the week". He says I have some work to do and I have to see one day at a time and concentrate on my basic routines.

Sounds like a good plan!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

May I ask you, what kind of handicap has your child?

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“Don’t shrink. Don’t puff up. Stand on your sacred ground.”  Brené Brown
tomjon78
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« Reply #5 on: August 18, 2013, 01:33:05 PM »

I´m seeing my T. on tuesday and I want to try to put my therapy into some kind of working system. Not only going to release my "troubles of the week". He says I have some work to do and I have to see one day at a time and concentrate on my basic routines.

Sounds like a good plan!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

May I ask you, what kind of handicap has your child?

She has CP after a intracranial hemorrhage when she was 2 months old. She has epilepsy also which is as common side effect. She is now 3 and a half years old and me and my former wife (not the one with BPD) got divorced in 2011. I also have a five year old son from that marriage. Me and my former wife have a quite good relationship even though our divorce was hard of course. It was a common decision btw.
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Surnia
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Relationship status: 8 y married, divorced since 2012-11-22
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« Reply #6 on: August 18, 2013, 02:45:39 PM »

This is tough! I am so sorry.

Good you and your former wife have a good relationship now.


I hope you can have a night without bad dreams!
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“Don’t shrink. Don’t puff up. Stand on your sacred ground.”  Brené Brown
eternity75
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« Reply #7 on: August 18, 2013, 02:58:01 PM »

Tomjon... . sorry you are having such a difficult time with all of this. You are definitely not alone here.

I have had bad dreams about my relationship too. Since much of my focus throughout the relationship has been on his texting and messaging women on facebook this tends to be what my dreams are about. Finding messages on his phone with nude pictures of women (this hasn't happened... . but it's been on my mind) or reading messages on FB between him and other women (this HAS happened).

It's painful. We spend all day thinking about our relationships... . what went wrong... . what was great... . how much we miss them. And then at night when we should be getting some rest and relief from all our thinking, we end up dreaming about it too!

My only suggestion for you would be to try self-suggestion before you sleep. The melatonin is a good idea too. I have been taking this some days as well and I find I do sleep better once I actually fall asleep. What I mean by self-suggestion is try getting completely relaxed before bed, listen to some relaxing music, and focus on what you want to dream about. Tell yourself you want to dream of flying, or of travelling to some exotic beach or something. Really get into the feelings of where you want to be in your dream "I am on an exotic beach in Thailand. I feel the warm ocean breeze on my skin" That kind of thing. Try to feel the feelings of being there, being relaxed, being happy... . focus only on you and how good it feels to be in that place. Maybe this will help you to sleep and have happier dreams.
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ucmeicu2
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« Reply #8 on: August 18, 2013, 04:05:34 PM »

Can anyone give me some advice or tell me if the know these feelings I´m going through?

B.T.W in 3 weeks I have to go to a wedding and she will be there (that´s another dilemma) ?

yes, i know the feelings you're going through!  i could have written your post myself.  even down to the embarrassment of talking about my ex to my T over and over and over. and over again.

just when i think i've gained some ground, gotten some traction, BAM i seem to be right back to square 1.

i don't know the answers, yet, but regarding the upcoming wedding?  i will tell you that out of 3 T's i've talked to about my ex, ALL 3 have said to "RUN! and stay NC".  i guess they know what they're talking about.

i've been NC (she hasn't, she keeps calling my best friend who ignores her!) for 6 months and dreamt about her again 2 nites ago.  don't remember details but woke up crying, so sad and kinda panicky.

hang in there tomjon,

icu2
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