i had a major breakthrough a couple weeks ago. i've been out of the r/s for about 1.5 years, but things keep coming back to me since my ex and i share some mutual friends, plus the fact that 6 months ago she moved in only a few houses down from me. the truth is, i was scared of a smear campaign from her, but over the last few weeks i've talked to the friends i needed to and things seem to be contained--she's told a few people that i cheated on her, which is a lie of course but i've been able to see most of them and tell my side too.
anyways, the breakthrough happened last week when catching up with friends, a couple, who were still "friends" with my ex. they had recently posted some pics on facebook and i was worried she had them under her thumb, worried she was lying to them about me. turns out she had, a while back. but instead of having to defend myself to them, we start the conversation off and immediately they just start laying into her. they are a couple (guy/gal) in a long term r/s. my guy friend basically starts cursing my ex, calling her a whore and a liar; and he was mad at his gf for still hanging out with my ex. he didn't want rumors spreading that his gf was a floosy i guess from hanging out with my ex (who I now call sarcastically "Triple X"
). and his gf was just sad/confused; i told her things my ex had said about her, and about her r/s with her bf and of course she felt betrayed. it turned out that her being friends with TripleX had been an ongoing argument between them for a while. In any case it was deemed that she was toxic, and i think my friend (the woman) said it best, that TripleX was just a "Tortured Soul".
For two days i was depressed, couldn't concentrate on work or anything, just kind of glided through the days, the following two days were better but still hard. Even though there was a weight off my shoulders since i wasn't worried about my friends being turned against me anymore, it's just really really hard hearing so much negative speak about TX. Over the past year she's been called the most horrible names you can think of from 3 people i know (and several others that i don't), and it's just sad. just really sad that this was someone i once shared a home with. she was definitely mean to me in the r/s at times, and she was plain cruel after our break. but no man wants to hear people referring to someone he once cared for as a whore. i know it doesn't reflect on me, but it did mess me up for a few days.
But then after several days of sadness i just had a really good night. For hours i was able to completely not care about her or her actions anymore. I felt so good and happy about my life and the fact that I had escaped the situation with no children, not much financial loss, no false domestic violence charges. I truly feel like I'm so much closer to full radical acceptance and forgiveness. I'm *not* there yet, but I'm actually close enough to fake it till i make it!
I was recently introduced to some really cool neighbors who do volunteer work around our block. And since they live only a house or so down from where TripleX just moved in they know her and are friends. So, I'm preparing myself for the inevitable event of running into her. I'm focusing on not being offended any more. I'm focusing on not suffering any more and letting go of my frustration with her returning into my life and contacting my friends again. I'm not going to stop working on me until I can truly be happy and smile and really *feel* good about everything even if I were around this person. I'm not completely there yet, but having this breakthrough is really bringing me comfort. I've talked with the friends I've needed to and had my say. I've come to terms with the fact that TX now lives close and will sometimes park in front of my house; I just care much less about it now. I know that any frustrations I have come from living in the past and I'm constantly working to be in the now instead, but being kind to myself if i get pissed now and then. I have to unlearn thought patterns that I developed to keep me safe, because now i am less afraid and they aren't so necessary. I'm truly trying to imagine a me being triumphant when I run into the ex--whether it be that we just act fake and don't acknowledge each other at all, or whether we act fake and act nice to each other, or if she acts fake nice while still trying to do things to hurt me (most likely the case)--it won't matter, I'll remain calm, I'll be ok, because this person can no longer hurt me. I still get butterflies when I think about this moment but every fiber of my soul is pushing to let go of any lingering frustrations. I feel much safer. Thank you for listening!
