18yo BP DD moved out

[pessim-optimist]

That is an interesting trait you describe and a hard one to watch - our child changing and acting very differently than they would around us, or when we raised them... .  We (or I should say my husband - since I came in to the picture later) observed how she changed from a quiet, cheerful and cooperative girl into a bossy, angry, confrontational woman who only seems to think of herself most of the time. Very similar to your situation... .  I don't know why that is, I wondered at times that it may have been the outside structure that we provide for them as parents, that may 'keep them together' until they set out on their own, and then it turns out that they did not properly internalize our lessons. Just a thought... .  

I see what you're saying with her aunt and grandparents - you see that they are making things worse for your dd, while they think they are making all better, and they think that they know better than you... .  That's gotta be frustrating to say the least!

I think that your dd has 'idealized' her grandma, and that she feels more secure with grandma's advice than having to do it on her own, also she might be hiding behind 'grandma's advice' so she doesn't have to defend her decisions to anyone.

The fb 'messages' must be infuriating... .  Sounds like they have made up their minds, want to keep their opinions, and do not want to be confronted on the issues.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[superman]

Radical Acceptance is a good way of putting how I've been dealing with all this. 

I think you're right on the idealized grandma AND aunt.  Her aunt has never been there for her, even to the point of missing her 16th birthday and now all of a sudden she's the holy grail... .  I suspect it's simply because she's the catalyst for DD moving out... .  the WAY out so to speak, to get away from us.  I'm beginning to understand that alot of what DD has said was her using her words to make it seem like she wanted to do it all on her own, however it was just fluff to make it sound that way.  I think deep down inside, she still wants someone to "do it for her".  She's been that way most of her life, if it doesn't come easy to her she doesn't 'want it'.

Yes, the extended family, I think, has their mind made up... .  albeit based on DD's words.  However I don't understand why they don't pick up  the phone or stop by to discuss all this.  Just wrong if you ask me.   I believe my mother should have at least had the decency to call and say hey, what's up with all this... .  let's talk... .  but no... .  nothing.   To me that just re-enforces that she doesn't 'want' to confront the situation or discuss it because she believes what DD believes and that's that myself and DW are the problem "the bad guys" if you will. 

Just makes no sense really.  I understand the actions of DD because I know she's 'ill', I don't understand the actions of grandmother.

Regardless it will effect the relationship between me and DW with grandmother, grandfather and sister, and I'm sure not in a good way until one of them gets the nerve to say something in person.  I will end up being the one to say something as they are cowards in my opinion.

It's all in how I handle things from here on out.  I have my life to live, two other kids to raise and a wife to love.  I've done all I can with DD for now until she's ready to talk to me and DW and take steps in the right direction to rebuild what has been broken.  She knows we are here, all she just has to open the door.

[Being Mindful]

Hi Superman,

I actually found it was much easier to learn validation, practice validation and use it with my d. after she moved out. You mentioned in your first post that with distance you might not be able to do this. For me, it was helpful for me to have my peace and calm restored. I was able to start seeing things from a much different and healthier place. I'm happy to say that my relationship with my d. has improved dramatically since she moved out.

Now, that said, yesterday was a horrible day for her, that she tried to engage me in. With radical acceptance I was able to handle the situation much differently. For me which is:

Freedom from suffering.

No longer fighting reality.

Let myself go completely with what is.

Acceptance is the only way to a healthier me.

Tolerating the moment, this is acceptance.

Acknowledging what is and not what I want.

This allowed me to stay in the moment and not take her attacks personally. She was blaming me for all her problems and the decision to place her in residential treatment when she was 16. With acceptance, I could validate every raw emotion that she had. I didn't need to defend myself.

When she told me that she was going to pull up and move out of state and I might not hear from her, my response was... .  You are an adult, you can make this decision for yourself. I sure hope you don't as I would miss you terribly. She said it a couple of times and I'd repeat some portion of the above. Eventually, she said, mom I'm so tired of feeling crappy all the time. I'm saying things and don't want to hurt you. Do you forgive me?

I don't mean to make this post about my situation, but just want you to know that it might be helpful for her to be elsewhere so that you can work on yourself. It might help her too.

Being Mindful

[vivekananda]

Hey Superman,

I thought I'd stick my nose back in again 

It is so hurtful to have close family not working with you to try to make things better, but actually working against you and making things worse. Family can be so hurtful. I expect that your mum and dad and sis find it convenient to blame you and your dw. That way they don't have to face up to the reality. People don't understand mental illness and they don't like it. It is so much easier to create a bad guy and hit out at them. My advice to you here is just to do what you need to do to deflect their barbs and arrows, it is not about you, it is about them. There is nothing you can do to change them. If it were me, I'd practice a phrase that I would then repeat... .  my phrase is, 'dd does have a mental illness', when people ask unanswerable questions or make unfair comments etc. Say it often enough and people may begin to hear it... .  That is if there is any talking going on between you.

I would also avoid Facebook. What you don't see can't hurt you - do you really have to know what they are saying?

They way I got myself through some really tough times was to read. Like many here it has been through reading and discussion with my peers here that has brought me to a level of understanding and peace of mind that I would have thought impossible before. Have you read anything of help to you? Are you reading up on anything at the moment?

Take care Superman, of yourself and your family,

lots of love going your way,

Vivek      

[js friend]

Radical Acceptance is a good way of putting how I've been dealing with all this. 

I've done all I can with DD for now until she's ready to talk to me and DW and take steps in the right direction to rebuild what has been broken.  She knows we are here, all she just has to open the door.

Superman practising Radical Acceptance and letting go has done wonders for my own mental health. It has helped me to get through the most difficult situations that Im sure would have taken me under without it.

Leaving the door open for your dd is the only thing you can do right now. when she is ready she will be back.If your dd is anything like my dd she may come back under a cloud but I have learnt to take a backseat.

If people wanna talk let them. There is always 2 sides to every story and if grandma and aunt dont even have the courtsey to  hear your what you have got to say then them get on with it. I guarentee that when things start to go wrong there they will be on the phone to you as quick as anything.


Taking this time fo focus on the positives and what is good in your life will help you in the long run. I t may not feel like it now, but not being involved in the drama and triangulation is the best thing you can do for yourself right now.

[superman]

Hi all,  thanks for all the support.  I haven't had much time to come and and tell what's been going on.  Up he until the last few days it had been fairly quiet.  Then all hell broke loose.  DD was being nasty and disrespectful again.  Basically telling us where to stick it and then she blocked me and DW from seeing her facebook.  Said she doesn't want any communication with us.  But the facebook thing is just her giving us the finger because we never communicate with her through facebook, we just keep an eye on her with it.  So that was just a finger up at us... . bravado i guess.  Then today DW was trying to reach out to her.  First asking her a simple question about school and then asking her how she was... .  she gave short answers like "i'm taking care of business and working" and DW pushed it and said how are you doing again and the conversation continued for a short bit with DD saying she'll talk to us when she's ready and when she wants (including her siblings).  The tone of the messages was nasty and rude.  Wasn't necessary.  DW was trying to reach out to her and got nothing but heartache in return.  DD is doing everything she can to try to run us out of her life and avoid having to talk with us. 

All this sparked issues and my dad called me and we had a long talk and then my mom called after our talk.  At first they were very angry with me because they didn't like the things I was doing and how I was handling DD.  Then after a while they calmed and started to listen and I thought they were beginning to understand.  The only good thing that came out of that is that our lines of communication with them have reopened... .  However, I still think they are in real denial that their perfect little granddaughter has a mental problem. 

After the messages today, DW said she doesn't want to go to DD's graduation next week.  We haven't discussed it at length as she had to leave for work but I can see why she wouldn't want to go.  I'm not sure that I want to go either. DD is just being nasty and disrespectful yet she wants us to be at her graduation.  I want to go, but with all this animosity going on.  It's going to be hard to overcome my hurt feelings just to see this accomplishment of my DD.  BTW, I am proud of her... .  out of 130 students she's graduating with highest honors and 9th in her class.  I know, this is typical of BP's as they are usually smart ones... .  at least that's what I've read. 

So how do you decide to go or not to go to any function your child might want you to go to even though everything else in her life she says "finger".  Heartbreaking.

[griz]

I think I might reach out to her and tell her that you are so proud of her achievement and would love to be there to support and celebrate her.  Would she like you to attend? and then ask her how you could make it a nice celebratory time for all involved.  My DD gradutated from high school a year early last summer by attending summer school.  We went from she wasn't going to she was going but we shouldn't, then "OK fine, you can come".  You had to see the smile on her face when she walked in with the procession and saw us right up front in the first row.

It may often seem like they don't want us and don't need us... .  but we know better.

Griz

[lbjnltx]

If you want to see her graduate then go.  Limit interaction afterwards if necessary.  Just don't miss this event... .  I think you would most likely regret it down the road.

JMO

[superman]

MD:  :)o you want me and DW at your graduation?

DD:  yes

Me:  So you want us at your grad, but not in your life and you don’t want to be in ours and have no relationship with us?

DD:  True.  I don’t want you in my life and I don’t want contact.  Right now I need time to heal and I am not ready for a relationship with ya’ll.  But I would like you to come graduation if not for me but for you DW and siblings


I don't know what to say to this.  Breaking my heart.  It's all about her isn't it.  No concern for anyone else's feelings.

[jellibeans]

Although this might be extremely hard for you I think you should respect her wishes. Go to graduation and celebrate this time in her life without wanting more or demanding more. You might see it as hurtful and maybe it is but I think there is a control factor here that can't be ignored. She wants some distance for now... .  that doesn't mean forever. I think you will be surprised at how she might change her response with you once you give her the space to do so.

Recongizing that she has a mental illness is the first step... .  understanding and accepting that her choices are maybe not based solely on hurting you. I truly think you would regret not going so do it for yourself not her. The way things are right now does not dictate how they will be in the future. There will be a time in the future when things will be bettter between the two of you so don't make the wrong decision based on how things are now.

Superman... .  you are a caring and thoughful parent... .  your dd loves you whether she shows it or not... .  this is a rough time for all concerned and you have very right to feel hurt but let her come to you. Don't force the relationship. Trust that you raised her right and she just needs some time and some distance. Congrats to your dd on graduation with such honors and having this terrible disorder all at the same time. My thoughts are with you and hope you can fully enjoy your dd's accomplishments because I am sure you had some thing to do with that. Sending a big hug your way  

[pessim-optimist]

Hi superman,

I see how that is all so extremely sad and frustrating at the same time... .  

Your dd expressed clearly, that she does not want contact with you, but would like you at the graduation (even thinking of her siblings etc.), regardless of what else is going on in your lives.

As crazy as things have been, this seems to be maybe the last remaining thread of civility from her side that remains between her and you. I would see it as an opportunity to: 1. Honor her express request (no contact, but coming to graduation); 2. Act as the mature/stable party in this relationship.

3. Plus, as torn as you are, you don't want to miss this important milestone in your dd's life.

(I think lbj's suggestion to limit interaction afterwards is a good one)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

Hi superman,

MD:  Do you want me and DW at your graduation?

DD:  yes

Me:  So you want us at your grad, but not in your life and you don’t want to be in ours and have no relationship with us?

DD:  True.  I don’t want you in my life and I don’t want contact.  Right now I need time to heal and I am not ready for a relationship with ya’ll.  But I would like you to come graduation if not for me but for you DW and siblings

I don't know what to say to this.  Breaking my heart.  It's all about her isn't it.  No concern for anyone else's feelings.

Yes I can see how hurtful it is for you, so sad. We want the best for our children. We want a family like we dreamed about when they were only little and we watched them grow. And then BPD comes along... .  

No, I am going to be a little blunt I think. I want you to perhaps see things a little differently. What you have said is telling me that 'it's all about you being hurt, it's all about your feelings (and dw's too)'. Now, I think that is perfectly reasonable, I would be thinking and feeling the same... .  but can you see that this is what can be said about you, and also what can be said about your dd?

When we feel hurt, we take it personally, of course. Your dd has hurt you, she in turn is hurt because she has a mental illness that distorts her thinking and makes hurt where none should be. She has said she needs time to heal - you want to avoid the grad so you can feel a little healed form that hurt. You both appreciate the benefit of some distance.

I would like to say, please go to graduation and be happy for her. Limit any other contact. Give her space and time. Devote yourself to learning and practising the tools we know are so helpful: boundary setting and validation. Do it until you are perfect. Then when you are ready, make contact with your dd and try to only validate her. That's how you can repair a relationship. My own experience is that it is a long and hard struggle, but this is so important for you and your dd while she is relatively young. You don't want this to be a worse situation in another ten years... .  

I am thinking of you and your dw superman, I am feeling your hurt. I am glad the dialogue with your parents is improved.


Vivek      

[superman]

I will be going to graduation, however I will leave as soon as it's over and there will be no contact at least with me. 

At what point do you validate AND be a parent?  It seems to me I'm supposed to validate and then leave everything else be?  I'm supposed to keep it all positive and there can never be any negative?  As a parent I feel a responsibility to let her know when she's done or doing something wrong just like I have that responsibility to do so when she's done right.  One thing I have discovered through the years is that DD only sees the negative and none of the positive, especially lately. 

The communication with my parent is open, however it is biased and they are in denial.  They aren't listening and I keep having to repeat myself and defend myself as they keep claiming I'm the problem, in not so many words.   Say I should ONLY show positive and not any negative.  Say DD wants communication only if it's positive.  They are basically wanting me to pretend like everything is ok and smile and be happy.  I can't do that, I'm not that kind of person, especially when it comes to family. 

Anyway, my plan is go to the grad have no contact, then after that I'm backing off and not even going to try to speak with DD unless she comes to me.  She doesn't want any contact with me, DW or her siblings (sad, they haven't done anything).  So I'll give her what she wants.  Who knows how long that will last.  When/If she ever comes around, she needs to have apologies and a plan on how she's going to work with us to make changes in herself.  I've been willing to make changes in myself for her sake, but she's basically spat it back in my face and I can't do that anymore unless she realizes she has a problem and can admit that... .  much like someone with alcohol or drug addiction.  If you can't admit it, nothing will ever change.

[lbjnltx]

I will be going to graduation, however I will leave as soon as it's over and there will be no contact at least with me. 

I think this is a good plan.  Would you be open to communication with your d if she initiates it?  What would the focus of your chosen words be on this special occasion should you have the opportunity to speak in her presence?

At what point do you validate AND be a parent?  It seems to me I'm supposed to validate and then leave everything else be?  I'm supposed to keep it all positive and there can never be any negative?  As a parent I feel a responsibility to let her know when she's done or doing something wrong just like I have that responsibility to do so when she's done right.  One thing I have discovered through the years is that DD only sees the negative and none of the positive, especially lately.

People who suffer from BPD do have a tendency to be negative in their outlook.  We get to choose if/how we participate with them.  We can either feed the negativity or present a more balanced view when we communicate with them. When we validate their FEELINGS we are not validating their views, their actions, their inactions... .  we validate how they are FEELING as their FEELINGS overwhelm their ability to see the positive, see solutions, see their responsibilities in the moment and in general.  When we validate their FEELINGS they MAY FEEL heard and  understood.  When they FEEL heard and understood they MAY no longer FEEL the need to project outward and this creates the opportunity for them to problem solve, take accountability, and/or calm down and see the positives for balance. Pointing out that they are wrong feeds the intrinsic shame that already exists... .  there is a great deal of internal negative self talk going on in her head already!  She thinks in black and white/all or nothing terms. 

The communication with my parent is open, however it is biased and they are in denial.  They aren't listening and I keep having to repeat myself and defend myself as they keep claiming I'm the problem, in not so many words.

While this is very frustrating for you it isn't helpful to anyone to defend themselves.  Are you listening to them?  Are you blaming them as they are blaming you? When we try to force understanding and acceptance onto someone else we will be frustrated.  What are you willing to do to improve your relationship and communication with them?  Since you only have control over 1 person in all of these relationships are you willing to change the focus of your energy?

   Say I should ONLY show positive and not any negative.  Say DD wants communication only if it's positive.  They are basically wanting me to pretend like everything is ok and smile and be happy.  I can't do that, I'm not that kind of person, especially when it comes to family.

When we begin to shift our focus of energy to self, accept that we don't have the power to change others and work on what we can do instead of what we can't ... .  the relationship dynamics will change... .  they must change because at least 1 person in the relationship is different. 

Anyway, my plan is go to the grad have no contact, then after that I'm backing off and not even going to try to speak with DD unless she comes to me.  She doesn't want any contact with me, DW or her siblings (sad, they haven't done anything).  So I'll give her what she wants.  Who knows how long that will last.  When/If she ever comes around, she needs to have apologies and a plan on how she's going to work with us to make changes in herself.  I've been willing to make changes in myself for her sake, but she's basically spat it back in my face and I can't do that anymore unless she realizes she has a problem and can admit that... .  much like someone with alcohol or drug addiction.  If you can't admit it, nothing will ever change.

It is good that you are willing to respect her wishes and not try to force communication.  During this time it would be to the benefit of all to learn the art of validation, asking validating questions, setting value based boundaries for self, and educating yourself about the disorder.  Is the future of your relationship with your daughter dependent upon her apologizing and admitting all of her wrongs (past) or is the present and future where the focus needs to be? The past cannot be changed and without long term therapy she may not have the ability to own her mistakes. Will you allow the past to stay in the past so that the future can be different?

lbjnltx

[Being Mindful]

Dear superman,

I hear your hurt and understand it. I've been there. I only was able to let go once I worked on changing me. I was only able to continue in my relationship with my D. when I changed. The hardest thing for me to grasp was that I HAD TO CHANGE FIRST.

Yes, you validate and be a parent. Validation is not pretending that everything is okay and you should be happy. Validation is honoring her emotions. They are hers, no matter how distorted they sound to you. For example, right now you are hurt and angry, right? The responses that you are getting from us are validating. What if we told you... .  superman you have no right to be angry, you have no right to be hurt. Superman you are wrong to be angry. You probably would defend your position, get more angry, get more frustrated and then not see clearly through anything else until you were able to soothe yourself, and come back to your emotional baseline. Your d. can't do any of this on her own. She is ill and does not have these skills.

Validation is not ignoring the negative. You still need to parent, but dealing with the negative is a lot different than how we deal with negative in our healthy children. Our healthy children can learn by our parenting when they do something negative. Our BPD children cannot not "hear" us when we parent them the same way.  

Superman, you can demand an apology and that she has to have a plan on how she is going to make changes in herself. Realistically, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Do you want to "lose" your daughter and the hope for a better relationship with her by demanding things that she is not capable of?  The other option is to start working on yourself... .  engaging yourself in reading, learning about BPD, your value based boundaries, validation, acceptance etc. In my opinion, you will only have relief when you begin with yourself. In my opinion, you will only see change in your d. when you begin with yourself. I only wished I knew this years ago when I kept trying to change my d., to fix her. In all those years of therapy for her, the biggest piece that all the therapists did not know or did not share is that real hope for my d. began with me, NOT HER. Crazy isn't it? We aren't the ill ones.

I hope this is helpful. We all care about you. This place you are in of suffering is miserable. I remember it well.

Being Mindful

[superman]

I am hurt however I am not angry.  I am trying to validate her feelings and not her actions, however I don't think she sees it that way.  Many of her actions are good ones and I'm glad she's making some good choices.  Some of her actions aren't so good so those I just give her my opinion and the facts and leave it to her.  I don't chastize her if she doesn't make the choice or decision I think she should make.  It's hard not to however she is 18 and has the right to do as she pleases.  I understand she doesn't have the skills even though her T is trying to teach her them... .  but she's not doing as he asks and that's what worries me. 

As far a graduation, if she approaches me I will tell her I'm proud of her.  That's all that needs to be said I think.  Treating her like a kid that's used the potty for the first time shouldn't be necessary, though I think that's what she wants. 

I'm not trying to focus on the past, I am trying to focus on the present.  I do think though that she should apologize for some of the recent (last few weeks) disgressions. 

As far as the parents go, if they aren't willing to see that there's a problem, then there's nothing I can do to change their minds, nor are they going to be able to help DD.  Hopefully they will have their meeting with her T next week and we'll see what their mindset in then.

[qcarolr]

Superman -

This is really about figuring out that boundaries are something that you do for YOU. I am also sturgging with how to communicate with my BPDDD26 and maintain some distance from her. I was searching for some info for you on S.E.T. and found the following thread that is helping me figure this out. I hope that it can help you. Even though the members posting are talking about their partner relationships, the underlying principles are valid for us as parents loving our kids and needing to detach with love from them.

S.E.T. stands for communication with Support, Empathy and then the Truth (ie. boundaries/consequensces). WIth BPD person they need to know that you care (support) and understand their feelings (empathy) before you talk about your versin of reality.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=194050.0;all#lastPost

Let us know what you think.

qcr  

[Being Mindful]

Dear superman,

Of course you are hurt.

I don't know about you, but for me hurt and angry can go hand in hand, get flip flopped, and all tangled up together.

I was really, really angry that my daughter is mentally ill.

I was really, really angry that she was mean and abusive.

I was really, really hurt that she was mean and abusive.

Let me ask you something, if you don't mind... .  

Do you believe that your daughter is sick?

You sound so tired, hurt, frustrated. You have so many hopes for your d. and it hurts so bad to see her like this. I remember that time and it is very painful to be in this place. I hope when you get past the graduation, and perhaps sometime with her not in your home will ease the burden and tension. I hope you will let us walk the journey with you, let us show you and help you see that there is hope and a way that you can make things more tolerable for yourself and your daughter.

Being Mindful

[superman]

I do believe my daughter is sick.  There was a time where I didn't and thought she wasn't and she was just "being a teenager"... .  however when you look back, hindsight really is 20/20.  Scary.

A couple days ago, DD brought my car back, she walked in the house, said here's the key, put it (and the house key I didn't ask for) on the bar and left.  I didn't try to communicate with her too much I just told her where to put the key.  She was in and out in a flash.  I don't understand why she left the house key, I didn't ask for it, nor do I want to take that ability from her.  She said nothing about it.  In fact she didn't even say goodbye.

So my parents have been in town (as they live 4 hours away) Since Friday.  They have not contacted me, DW or our other two grandchildren while here, even over Mom's day.  DW and I both sent messages to my mom telling her happy mother's day, got nothing  but a thank you.  I believe their disbelief that DD has a problem and my mom's issues with me have kept them away.  I'm really surprised because my Dad is usually the one to make sure he sees the other two grandchildren when he comes.  But they are staying away.  Don't really know what to say about all that.  I will ask them once graduation is over, but I don't know what good it would do.

DD never called, texted, fb or anything to tell my DW happy mum's day.  Very sad for her.

I've started reading Overcoming BPD and so far, it falls right in line with everything that's going on with DD, how I feel, what's happened between me and DW over the years and even how the parents seems to have the "raised eyebrow" effect.  It's kind of scary how accurate it all is.

Graduation is tonight.  I will be attending (provided DD brings tickets today as she's supposed to), I'm both proud and scared to see the end of school for her. 

[qcarolr]

superman - will be keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers today for graduation to be a celebration of a great accomplishment. Maybe a moment to put the past behind you and let the future wait.

qcr  

[jellibeans]

I hope all goes well superman... .  I will have my finger crossed for you... .  stay strong  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

Hi Superman,

Good luck at Graduation. Your dd has done a grand job to get through given she struggles so with her BPD. She is a girl to be proud of indeed.

It seems like it's a good time to settle down with Valerie and learn what she has to say for us. When they withdraw from us, it is a good opportunity to lick our wounds and work on what we can... .  work on changing ourselves.

You know I thought it was the absolute irony that although dd was the one with BPD, that I was the one who had to work on changing myself. Now, of course, it seems like it is so obvious that is the way it should be: if you want to know how hard it is for your dd to change, start trying to change yourself!

We all here have a lot to learn.

Cheers,

Vivek      

[superman]

Hi Folks.  Sorry about being gone so long, kinda had to take a break from it all after graduation.  Long story short, Graduation happened, my DD came over for about 5 minutes with my dad in tow.  Got her graduation gift and left.  Didn't even sit down and not hardly 5 words spoken between us.  Since then she has not spoken to me, my DW or her two siblings that still live with us.  She graduated back in Mid May.  Here it is almost the end of August.  I'm still hurt, but the anger is gone.  I still don't understand what has happened.  My mother is still distant.  She and dad came to visit a couple weeks ago and she was very very quiet and reserved.  Didn't even mention our DD.  They were here no more than an hour.   So basically she's still holding a grudge thinking I'm the bad guy here in all this.  My dad's trying to smooth things over, but it aint happening with her. 

New story as of yesterday.  Saw on my sister's facebook (where my DD lives) that she couldn't believe her ONLY niece was starting college.  Well this was good news to know DD was going to college, however I do have another daughter, she's my step-daughter but she's been mine since she was 4 and now she's almost 13.  Then DD and mother LIKED the comment.  The difference one word makes is alot. 

I just don't know what to say or do anymore with any of this.  We are planning on contacting DD and see if she will come talk with us this week but if she doesn't then there's not much I can do.  But what to think about my sister (who doesn't speak to me anyway) and my mother who thinks I'm to blame.  I just don't know. 

[vivekananda]

Ah superman that is so cruel. You must be deeply hurt.

My experience with similar sorts of stuff is it is just thoughtlessness and a bit of denial. No-one knows how to deal with things so challenging until they learn the sorts of skills we learn here. I understand the hurt.

I have seen my dd32 3 times this year - two times were most unsatisfactory and they were all instigated by me. Last year it was the same. My dd needs to stay away from me because just being there is a trigger for her. She doesn't want to face it and she isn't getting appropriate therapy. She blames me for her situation.

I expect your dd blames you too and your sister doesn't want to lose her, so she would side with your dd's version. I expect your dd would colour the truth as mine does and when they come to explaining why, they are very vague with details and examples and so forth. After all, they just deal with emotions and that's what counts for them. Your parents are really torn between you all. Their beautiful gd is not well and they don't know why and they can't do anything. They will want to do anything to keep seeing her.

The overlooking of your sd is very hurtful, your parents though are probably wanting to celebrate their gd's achievement and aren't thinking of much else - they probably wouldn't notice. But these are the sorts of things we need to learn to let go of.

Here we practice 'radical acceptance' we understand what our values are and live with integrity by our values. The tools we learn here of validation and boundary setting are those things that give us real strength in our relationships with others. Superman I really want to encourage you to do the reading that can help us survive this and that which can ultimately give us hope for ourselves and our kids. There is much to be learned.

Reading may be difficult - but it's worth it, believe me. I am a living, walking, breathing example of someone in a place like you who is now able to see more clearly and feel much happier. I am sending you a link on 'validation' on UTube by an expert on BPD. This lasts for about 50 mins and it helps to have a pen at hand for notes while you listen. This may help you see things a little differently. Please let me know how it goes?

Understanding Validation in Families - Alan E. Fruzzetti, PhD

take care superman, we are here for you, please stay in touch,

Vivek    

[superman]

Hi Viv,

  Thanks for the encouraging words.  I have been reading a couple of the books recommended on here and they are definitely eye openers.  Hard to put into practice some of it, but still good info.  I confronted my sister on the only niece thing and she basically said she wasn't doing any wrong and said because my youngest wasn't blood she 'just didn't think of her'.  My sister is one that is selfish, doesn't take responsibility and doesn't seem to care about others until she wants something.  Not the best environment for my DD to be in to say the least. 

I attempted to contact DD about 5 days ago and left voicemail asking for a visit to talk.  No response, so yesterday morning sent a text (her preferred method of communication) requesting the same... . Same result. 

Today I dropped off a letter to her T telling him what's been going on and how I've tried to contact her with no response.  He called and left me a message telling me he hasn't seen DD in about 6 weeks saying they decided they would have only appts only on an as needed basis.  He wasn't happy about her not contacting us but in his words... . We can't legally make her do anything... . of course I know this, however it's kind of frightening that now she's not seeing her T and her new T is my sister with whom she's living... . very scary. 

I guess all we can do now it wait and keep expectation very very low. 

[vivekananda]

Hey superman, sometimes it can seem so overwhelming and sad and hopeless... . but that's just because we are a bit low. I want to assure you that it doesn't have to be any of those things.

I am glad you are doing some reading. I found that the solution for us is to be found with those who are 'expert' in this area. And yes, it is eye opening. And for me, validation was a challenge to put into practice but I am amazed at what a skill it is and how it makes life much easier and richer. It helps you see the world differently I believe. Keep up the reading and share with us what you learn, ok? When you learn we do too 

I wanted to let you know that my dd was seeing a T who diagnosed PTSD based upon dd belief that she had been abused all her life by me. Yes that was hurtful, but isn't why I tell you this. I wanted to say that my dd - last time I saw her, described her situation as a post therapy phase. In other words, she should be able to take care of herself now ... . more like her T is out of his depth I think   . Anyway, she is, like so many pwBPD we know about, trying so hard to get her life into order - and failing miserably all the while.

We can't do anything about who our children see, we can't do anything about getting them to treatment, we can't do anything about where they live or who their friends are. Sure we can dwell on the futures we can see for them that could be bleak etc - but what point is there worrying about something that may not happen?

What's my point? Rather than seeing it as low expectations (which is right too), see it as 'acceptance' or 'radical acceptance' - this is a key feature of mindfulness and is of great personal benefit to us, if we come to practice mindfulness. It's sort of about letting go of our needs being met by others. It's about changing what we can - ourselves, so we can be more balanced and ready for when our children do want us (if that does occur). So, I thought to send you this for a little more reading to add to this list 

Radical Acceptance for family members

let me know what you think, ok?

Vivek