Being proactive about the inevitable...

[TheDude]

I'm not sure if I have a question here, or just thinking out loud.

It's been right around seven months since estrangement #4 began (4th in 4 years, 7 years total - always her decision to 'off again', and always her who breaks NC to return). I guess maybe I've been a bit jumpy lately as the previous break ups were 6, 6, and 8 months each. Add to that the fact that I turn 50 in less than a month, and that history is the best predictor of the future, and it seems inevitable that her reappearance is looming on the horizon. I don't believe it matters that I clearly stated - both at the start and end of the last 'together' cycle - that it would be our last shot at it. History as a predictor, reversed.

Now, although there's been plenty of emotional craziness throughout the whole sordid tale, there has not been any of the more extreme stuff that I read about from others here. When we're "off again", it's as 'NC' as it gets. We don't even know if the other is alive. There's never been any violence or police or anything like that (ever). And when she does return, there's no trace of the emotional bully that tossed me out of my own life - just the loving, together woman who spent our time apart "getting her head on straight", and counseling and meds and... . you get the picture. All the things we all want to hear, even if it seems unlikely that such repairs could be accomplished in such a short time.

In any case, I've been struggling lately with the eventuality. I do believe I'm far enough along to know that I simply cannot participate in the continuation of this Tim Burtonesque nightmare of a relationship. On the other hand, I know that simply ignoring her forever isn't a solution (and she can be very persistent). I've considered writing a letter in proactive preparation for this, but have never been able to complete a single paragraph. A thousand and one things on my mind, yet not a single way to express any of it.

I guess I'd be interested to hear from those grizzled multiple recycle veterans what has been most effective for yourself in dealing with this subject. Did you find that the reappearance was an effective time to practice and define your own boundaries?

[Rose Tiger]

These relationships always seemed to be about the waiting.  Waiting for the other shoe to drop and it's off, waiting for the return of being loved.  Creates lots of anxiety.  Even with being completely kaput with the ex, there is still a feeling of waiting because like you, long periods of NC and then they pop back up like nothing is wrong.  That's why so many change their phone numbers, have email send their messages to trash automatically, some even move thousands of miles away with the persistent ones.  Permanent NC is saying, the waiting is over and I am done.  Sometimes we have to be the ones to say it and enforce it.

You might write the letter but not send it, write it for yourself and your resolve.  They never 'hear' done, so it's not going to get through to her anyway.  It can help though to get it through for yourself and to start feeling some control over the situation.

[MaybeSo]

I could have written your post.

I find permanent NC to be artificial and contrived given the non violent nature of my r/s with my ex. I also helped raise his kids & stuff.

I know there will be contact again in the future, who initiates doesn't really matter to me. I have two expensive Persian rugs belonging to him in my home, when his place is remodeled, the rugs will go back to him. It may be something that simple.

My issue is to get clear on not ever being sexual or romantic with him again. I think he will be around in some capacity probably forever. But, I want to move on completely such that my life doesn't have an opening for him other than as a casual friendship with an ex that I keep up with from time to time Re: kids, etc.

What do you want?

Are you with anyone else?

Is she with others during these off times?

[TheDude]

Rose - I'm fully on board with the therapeutic (do not send) approach with letters. The frustrating thing is that while writing usually flows easily for me when something important is on my mind, I have a total writer's block when it comes to her. It's almost as if my mind had become so trained to "not rock the boat", that I get anxious about potentially "triggering" her - even when there's no intention of her reading it! Still some lingering fog, I suppose.

MaybeSo - It sounds like we have some similarity in theme.

What do you want?

In general? Peace of mind. Specific to her? Good question. Realistically, I know that as long as the dysfunction exists that eventually causes her to treat me like garbage and turn my life upside-down - NO. Unacceptable. The fantasy, though, is that she gets herself fixed. I guess this question kind of leads to what I think I'm pondering as what to say when she reappears.

Are you with anyone else?

No. There's no hurry for that. I actually function pretty well on my own, and have typically embraced the autonomy between relationships. It wouldn't be anywhere near fair to someone new, anyway. Not an issue for me now.

Is she with others during these off times?

Good question. I have no idea. She has maintained all along that no, she has not been with anyone, save for one lunch date during break #3. Honestly? I have no idea. There have been suspicious things over the years that hint at possible emotional affairs, but I can't verify any of that. I have no clue what she's doing now.

Maybe I'm still dealing with some of that "bargaining" stuff. She knows she's a "head case" (her words), and has been doing counseling for more than a decade. Even so, she seems to have gotten worse (adding alcohol abuse and sleepwalking to the list during our last try). I keep thinking that with the awareness she (sometimes) has, that during the right moment (the seeming lucid clarity when she returns), there might be something I could say to nudge her in the right direction (I know... . the fixer in me). I'm a realist, though. My most significant relationship prior to this was many years with an alcoholic. I couldn't fix that, either.

[Rose Tiger]

How about starting it like this... .

Dear Ex (start labeling her in your thoughts as "the ex"

We are an incompatible match, we will never be what the other needs in a partner.  I'm going to cut my losses and begin a new search for someone that can be a partner that is good and healthy for me.  The things that are really important to me in a partner are:

-someone that doesn't run the second things get a little tough, someone that is willing to work through conflict with me

-someone that makes a hella good cherry pie (just kidding)

-you get the idea, what are your needs in a partner

-dream

I wish you the best, I hope you find that someone that can make your dreams come true.  All the best, The Dude

These relationships can be like an addiction.  Just a bit of contact with the ex can start my thoughts rolling towards that warm body I miss, blotting out the bad stuff, pulling me in like a spider web.  With quitting smoking the motto is not one more puff ever.  With AA it's not one more drink ever or something like that.  Just one little fall off the wagon can be a tumbler.  Not that all is lost, you get up, dust yourself off and start over. 

[MaybeSo]

I am trying to stay in ownership about my ex.

I know his limitations. He comes and goes, like your ex does. Except I know fir a fact his goings always involve a dip into another womens pool to see if SHE'S THE ONE. When he becomes demoralized with that... .

It's back to maybeso, full of remorse, and new insight and epiphanies.

This is what he does. It won't change; it may take on certain differences over time but it's the same push pull pattern.

I do well alone, too. However, being alone leaves me, I believe, in a bit of a waiting stance and leaves an opening for his entry once again. its not a requirement that I take him back just cause I'm single, but... . I value partnership and all that goes with it. If a year from now he swings into his usual mode, and I've not fully engaged in life, then I'm kind of waiting for his entrance again. If that's the case, I want to own it. This is a choice. The pattern is working for me in some way. I accept the breaks and the reunification. I accept the pattern.

If it's not okay, and I don't want it anymore, then I feel I really need to own that. Owning it means moving on as though he's not an option, no matter what he does with his pattern. I've gotten along fine without him, fully poured myself into my own work, friends, bought my own home, I do  well on my own. The only thing I've not done, until now, is make myself open and available to meeting and dating other people. I'm doing that now, not because I cant be alone or don't thrive alone. It's because I do value partnership, otherwise why did I stay attached for so long to my partner with an attachment disorder?

Dude... .

Don't you feel on some level, if you always stay in stasis whil she is off doing her attachment disorder thing... . that you are waiting for her?

If you are, can you accept and own it? That THIS the r/s you are choosing; it involves her comings and goings.

Honestly, if my ex's goings didn't involve other women, I may very well be fine with it, go take your break. I'll see you in a couPle of months. love you.

What do you think? Can you embrace The relationship as it is?

[TheDude]

These relationships can be like an addiction... . With AA it's not one more drink ever or something like that.  Just one little fall off the wagon can be a tumbler.

And she's a double Tequila popper. Then before you know it, I'm passed out in a ditch somewhere. 

Don't you feel on some level, if you always stay in stasis whil she is off doing her attachment disorder thing... . that you are waiting for her?

If you are, can you accept and own it? That THIS the r/s you are choosing; it involves her comings and goings.

I've been thinking about these things lately (obviously). It might be waiting, but I can't say I'm sure what I'm waiting for, you know? I can't say that the notion of accepting coming and going as a status quo is an option at this point. MaybeSo, if you've found a way to make that work, more power to ya. I find it absolutely exhausting.

Maybe this will just be a bridge to cross when I get to it.

[MaybeSo]

It was very exhausting when I was waiting for something that wasn't ever going to happen.

My ex isn't going to stop rolling the way he rolls.

Once I accepted that, then I started to think about what I could (or couldn't) accept based on how it is, not what I longed for.

And I  haven't found a way to make it work; IF his goings did not involve other women, it may have worked.  But his goings always involve other women. I can't sign onto that, it's not even practical.

That's why I'm putting more effort than ever into moving on.

I know he will swing back around again, that's for certain. Cause that's how he rolls. I've written wonderful letters before; all it does is stimulate interest and provide fodder for stimulating connection.

Then I feel embarrassed and mystified about my well worded, heartfelt letter and the strong stand I took as it melts away like wet tissue paper.

When I'm feeling more grounded, I find less is more. No letters, no manifestos, no heartfelt this and that. Just silence. Just not putting energy into his pattern (our pattern) and focusing on myself.

Anyhow, that's my "grizzled- veteran of many recycles" 2 cents. 

[GreenMango]

As another veteran to more recycles than I can count... . I felt this way

I've considered writing a letter in proactive preparation for this, but have never been able to complete a single paragraph.

I did this - exactly this.  I didn't try to contact him but I knew there would be a time that he would try.  And I didn't want to be caught off guard and engage in any verbal circular logic or excuses or selective amnesia.  I was really tired - too tired to talk.  I wasn't awful but I wasn't nice either - I was honest.  My letter didn't spur more interest in the conventional sense but it did stop the direct contact.

I would have never given it to him if he didn't approach me wanting to try again.  I felt I needed to communicate clearly my experience, my boundaries, what I was going to do  and why I couldn't have him in my life.  No didn't work well in the past.  It was decisive.

It took me a long time to write it - I rewrote it, pared it down, cleaned it up, edited it and walked around with it in my purse for a long time.  It was my insurance, my life vest.  I still think its one of my finer pieces.  

And there was a day I handed it off.  I'm not a big believer in not communicating nor am I a believer that if a person tries to communicate with you you ignore them.  sometimes we can be too fragile tho at times.  Say what you need to say even if its just "No Thank You wish you well" or don't if youre too vulnerable.  It's good to know where you are at and being resolved about it.  Silence after that communicating No More I feel more comfortable with.  I think its more respectful you don't leave someone hanging.

The beauty of the letter was it was tangible reminder of reality.  Of the facts.  Not of some waxing nostalgic on the good times junk.  It was the certificate of a hard lesson learned.  It helped fortify my resolve.  It was like, maybeso mentioned I wasn't hanging around anymore on this person's boat while they ran it aground repeatedly like a drunken sailor, I made a committment to myself to be done.  I gave it the kind of thought that my future deserved and it was in ink.

And it still sucked because it still hurt to let go.  But I think when you get to a point like this the choice isn't about love as much as it is about emotional health and futures.

But I wouldn't approach her first.  That seems like you engaging to alleviate your anxiety a little. And I'd bet dollars to donuts that will start up something.

What's the end goal?