In the "push away" phase after I confronted him about his lack of availability

[clairejen]

Hi

   I had sent my boyfriend a letter saying that I believe his unavailiability is due to fear of intimacy and not due to his busy schedule, which he claims. We have  been together for 3 years but there have been many gaps. At first i thought these were due to his work, volunteering and child rearing. Now I feel angry and feel it is his BPD fear of intimacy that keeps us apart. We are both faithful to each other.

    So he said he would think about my letter. We never discussed it. Now here it is a month later and he texted me "How have you been doing?

I know to some people this would be a minor polite thing to do, but with a BPD it seems more like "rapprochement"-----trying to pull me back in after the push phase. Anyway I waited a few days before replying to his text. And finally I texted back "Okay----how are u?"  and now he has not replied. So I feel pushed away again!

    I am curious whether people think maybe he felt "abandoned" when i waited days before replying to his text, and now he is punishing me with the silent treatment?

    I was thiniking of staying strong and not contacting him (even if it takes months) to test it out and see when he contacts me . My motivation for that is pride  and also to see if he cares deeply enough to contact me.

  I have read the lessons and like them .

Claire

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[123Phoebe]

    I am curious whether people think maybe he felt "abandoned" when i waited days before replying to his text, and now he is punishing me with the silent treatment?

    I was thiniking of staying strong and not contacting him (even if it takes months) to test it out and see when he contacts me . My motivation for that is pride  and also to see if he cares deeply enough to contact me.

  I have read the lessons and like them .

Hi clairjen

Sorry to hear you're going through this 'unknowing' territory where he's concerned.  Is this a long distance relationship?

I think the bigger question to ask is do you feel abandoned during these month+ long gaps and how can you make your life interesting and enjoyable whether or not he's in it?

Are you willing to wait it out indefinitely for this guy to come back around?  What if this is as good as it gets?  At what point has it reached your limit?

This is your life!  Are you content?  Why?  Why not?

[clairejen]

Hi---123 wrote---

I think the bigger question to ask is do you feel abandoned during these month+ long gaps and how can you make your life interesting and enjoyable whether or not he's in it?

----Claire: I feel abandoned, yet he insists it is just his busy schedule and work. My life is chock-full of hobbies, pals, and work, so yes I have an interesting and enjoyable life. I would like to have him in it though.

Are you willing to wait it out indefinitely for this guy to come back around?  What if this is as good as it gets?  At what point has it reached your limit?

----Claire: No I will not wait indefinitely. I don't have a timeline, and I am not at my limit quite yet, but I feel confused and upset.  When we have had these gaps he believes the relationship is intact and he is just overwhelmed with family life, etc.

This is your life!  Are you content?  Why?  Why not?

---Claire: I am happy with some parts of my life. I feel unhappy about the distance with him.  With other (non BP) men I might think this gap is an actual break-up, yet I have had this before with him and know it's a BP trait. Yet I feel afraid that his distance = the end of us

----Again, I have the sense that since I waited days before responding to his text, he is now giving me "the silent treatment'  i read about in the lessons?

Claire

[123Phoebe]

----Again, I have the sense that since I waited days before responding to his text, he is now giving me "the silent treatment'  i read about in the lessons?

Can't say whether this is the silent treatment or simply part of the way your relationship has evolved, a normal pattern so to speak; it has happened before, correct?

It's great that you're reading the lessons   Have you read the communication tools, SET and DEARMAN?  

I've found that speaking my truth in a thoughtful manner has really helped our relationship.  No blame or judgment calls.  Support, empathy and truth goes a long way... .

What is that you would like him to hear and understand about yourself?

We lead by example  

[patientandclear]

Claire, I would imagine the delay in replying might have been read by him as you being gone or lack of interest on your part, yes.  Just as we might interpret a long delay in responding such an overture the same way if we had made the overture.  I know I would.

I think it helps to remember that if we feed into the dynamic a reason to be guarded and unsure, we can't be surprised if the pwBPD we are dealing with feel guarded and unsure.

The tricky part is they are going to feel guarded and unsure other times, too