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Author Topic: The overwhelming heartbreak of them being with someone else.  (Read 458 times)
expos
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 213


« on: August 19, 2013, 03:48:05 PM »

Since my divorce in November, and my ex-BPD wife rebounding with a rich co-worker at her company 2 months after our split was official, I have had this lump in my throat and this profound sense of emptiness inside.  

She was overweight and depressed during our sexless marriage (maybe 15 times in 3 years of marriage).  I would lean in to kiss her and she would shudder at times.  She would call me sickly – and say things like “if you were a little heavier I would be more inclined to have sex with you.”

Just before our divorce was official, she lost all of her weight and got intimate with this guy a few months later.   The guy is pushy and brash by others accounts.   He is also very overweight but makes 6 figures a year as a director at the company they work for – so that was her draw to him.  She wanted financial security, status, and now she’s got it.  Apparently my $62K university salary as a director wasn’t enough.  

I, on the other hand have always been athletic.  I'm like the complete opposite of this guy.

The pain of all of this has been unbearable.  I walk around like my spine had been pulled out.  I have these waves of anxiety and panic.   I cry many times per week.    I never begged for her back, but I did tell her that I do love her, but for the most part I have disappeared.

This guy is getting everything I wanted from my wife, intimacy and love she withdrew a few months into our marriage.   I have been completely removed from her life - she wants nothing to do with me - and this guy is my replacement.   He is Facebook friends with her entire family, she’s Facebook friends with his family and his friends.   He attends all of their family functions.  We haven’t even been divorced a year!  I am in utter shock.

What is this pain?  Is it heartbreak?  

It’s been about 10 months now and I am no better.  Therapy, new dates, time, support, exercise, new activities are not separating me from the feelings I have for her.   At times, I just want to disappear forever.  

Sometimes I have to wonder why I was destined to meet a woman like this.  Why did I choose to love someone who was never capable of loving me back?  We were supposed to love each other forever... .

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Surnia
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: 8 y married, divorced since 2012-11-22
Posts: 3900



« Reply #1 on: August 20, 2013, 02:31:07 AM »

So sorry to hear about this, expos. I hear deep despair in your words.

Realizing that the ex has a new gf/bf or even will marriage is never easy! 

Why did I choose to love someone who was never capable of loving me back? 

This is a important question. Did you speak with your T about it?

We are here for you, expos!

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“Don’t shrink. Don’t puff up. Stand on your sacred ground.”  Brené Brown
jippolito1969

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« Reply #2 on: August 20, 2013, 05:27:18 AM »

I am going through something kind of similar. My exBPD girlfriend and I split up mid-Feb. However, we went back and forth for 4 months after that, and even attempted another try at things in early June. At that point, she more or less shut me out, and/or started to "ignore," me, using her words. For the most part, I accepted it, and figured it was for the best because the relationship itself was obviously unhealthy, she was abusive verbally, emotionally and physically towards me on many accounts. She negated my feelings, disrespected my boundaries and did many hurtful things. On July 5th she met someone else. I know this was the date, b/c the person she met was someone I had invited to a BBQ I had on the 4th of July, and attempted to befriend. At the time, they did not know each other, or so I want to believe (I have wondered otherwise, b/c the way things played out seemed a bit odd). From what she explained, they met at a bar the following night (ironically), became friends and now they are dating, some 6 weeks later. When her and I split, she told me she wanted to be single in order to work on herself, and I agreed it was best for me to consider doing the same, but now, she is with this other person and it is eating me up inside, not only because they are dating, but because she has also gone out of her way to throw it in my face on a number of occassions. In fact, she wactually had the guy call me up about 3 weeks after they started dating to tell me their friendship was progressing to somethign other than dating. I found this completely inappropriate and told him so. I indicated that if she wants me to know somethign about their relationship it needs to come from her, not him. From time to time, she continues to try to bait me, and admittedly, is successful in doing so. Now and then, I will get an email from her indicating that she misses me, or a call telling me she wants us to forgive one another and that she is sorry for how she treated me, etc., but all this does is make me feel worse. In my heart, I recognize this person is most likely a rebound and that for my ex, she is unable to really be alone. However, I keep wondering will she treat him differntly, will she be kind, and compasionate, and loving, in ways she was not with me. To be honest, it all feels just horrible to me, the way it played out, how she has made a point in going out of her way to throw it in my face. I also despise myself for continuing to have feelings for this seemingly selfish woman. She was not good to me, or for me, yet I struggle each and everyday to let her go. What is wrong with me. All I want is for this pain to go away and to get over what it is I feel for her, I really do. I do not want the relationship back like it was, and do not believe it could could ever be anything differnt, especially if she does not make efforts to work on herself. I, howeer, am taking steps to address my part in things, in particular my co-dependency issues that lead me to engage in a relationshp like this for as long as I did. It's a painful time, but I am also hopeful thi pain will eventually go away and I can get back to leadign a simple, pretty stable life, like the one I had before she came into my life. This is my first relationship with a woman of this nature, and frankly, if I have anything to do with it, plan to make it my last. What I want to know from others is if the kind of pain one experiences as a result of their exBPD getting in volved with another is normal? If so, why does it feel so awlful?
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Mirdin
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 64


« Reply #3 on: August 20, 2013, 06:13:04 AM »

Step 1: Cut her and her new partner off facebook, as in block/ignore, whatever you need to do for you not to see them.

Step 2: Keep up the activities in your life going. Even take up new activities,

Step 3: Remake lost connections with your friends

Step 4: Forget dating, heal for now, you will know when you're ready for a new relationship

Get them out of your life, completely and move on. It takes time, but time alone can't do it, you need to help it... .
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Mirdin
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 64


« Reply #4 on: August 20, 2013, 07:26:28 AM »

On another note, to both of you suffering, your ex-es are behaving like they are the girl of the other guys dreams, they get along great, they are happy together etc. Remember how it was when you started dating her. Pretty much the same wasn't it? Things started going down hill after a while, suddenly.

BPD works in phases. The 1st phase is mirroring, meaning they say and do whatever their new partner needs them to say or do, therefore seeming like a great person in their life. 2nd phase is the clinging phase, they say they can't live without them and act as such, becoming more and more clingy, gealous and protective. The 3rd phase is the hating phase, where they start hating the person the so much loved. It's inevitable, each of their relationships worked the same way, had the same phases and will have the same phases, maybe with some differences in timeframes and behaviour, but they will come down to the hater phase, when some people leave, others try to hold on to the memories of the mirroring phase, looking for that great person the BPD was at that time.

The sad part is, BPD people have no personality, they are who they need to be and their moods shift in an instant.

If you want to understand more about the phases a BPD relationship goes through, read this: https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves
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